"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, August 1, 2020

News Satire Roundup: July 26th-July 30th

Sunday, July 26

·       Recap of the Week – Federal response to Portland protests

o   Good point that CNN showed federal agents beating a veteran with batons and spraying him in the face with tear gas but censored him giving them the finger.

o   Interesting demonstration of Fox News’s own coverage undermining its hyperbolic take on the protests – “‘Graffiti’ is listed 12 times in a row under the header ‘Violence in Portland.’”

·       And Now This – Martha Stewart doing a lot of booze tutorials in quarantine

·       Main Story – Uighur Detention Camps in China

o   “The largest imprisonment of people on the basis of religion since the Holocaust,” sit with that for a second.

o   John was right, censoring out Muslim women’s hijabs in a TV program by imposing a cartoon cactus over them is certainly a choice (I laughed at his suggestion to do this with Kevin Spacey in House of Cards.)

o   Hearing a Han Chinese woman claim that all Uighurs are “robbers and thieves,” John thought that would be overly harsh even in reference to raccoons, despite them being “kleptomaniac possums who steal all your trash with their scary little doll hands.”

o   One official’s claim that Uighurs were future criminals who were just being “proactively” apprehended before they committed any crimes led to a thorough rundown of the plot of Minority Report, ending with, “And they send the precogs away to live on a farm, but not the death kind, we assume.”

o   How chilling that Uighurs who are tasered for taking too long (i.e., more than two minutes) in the bathroom then have to say, “Thank you, teacher, we will not be late next time” – despicable.

o   Powerful line – “Assimilation, when forced, is cultural erasure.”

·       And Now This – Newscasters repeatedly saying “mask debate”

o   I get the majority of my news in print, so while I’ve seen that phrase a lot in recent months, I didn’t realize how much it sounds like “masturbate” when spoken aloud – ha!

 

Monday, July 27

·       Highlights – LeBron James helps ex-cons vote in Florida, a 4-year-old poet gets a publishing deal, Trump cancels the Jacksonville portion of the RNC, Sen. Tom Cotton rails against The 1619 Project

o   With LeBron James helping ex-cons in Florida to pay the outstanding court fees that are standing in the way of their reenfranchisement, Trevor said, “Welcome to 2020: where politicians dunk on people and athletes try to improve their lives.”

o   After Trump canceled his big nomination-acceptance speech in Jacksonville, Trevor hearkened back to the big show of the 2016 RNC convention “when [Trump] looked like an out-of-shape god coming down from heaven. You can’t do that shit on Zoom!”

o   Trevor also noted “how differently some Republicans treat coronavirus when their own health is on the line,” politicians who’d already announced their intention to skip the convention while brushing aside COVID-19 fears in their states.

o   Oh man, Tom Cotton – “This guy acts like racial division doesn’t exist until kids are taught about slavery.”

o   We were also treated to a fake ad for a Cotton-approved school curriculum on slavery that avoids mentioning race at all – loved the accompanying curriculum, “The Civil Rights Movement: Letting Whites Sit in the Back of the Bus!”

·       Pandemic News – First cases in the MLB after the season started up again, NBA player breaks quarantine “bubble” to visit a strip club, U.S. national security advisor tests positive, North Korea reports its first case

o   Good jokes about a baseball coach fighting with an umpire in the age of corona – “It definitely slows down a fight when you have to Purell after every single punch.”

o   With the latest White House COVID-19 case, I loved, “Of course Trump won’t get infected. There’s no way Trump has had contact with his national security advisor.”

o   Great line – “It’s a little redundant for North Korea to order a lockdown.”

·       “What Was Trump Asked?”

o   Oh man, I love this game, it’s bonkers.

o   Listening to Trump go on about the NASDAQ when he was asked about a schoolteacher who died of COVID-19 was infuriating, but I laughed at him disagreeing with his polling numbers in Texas when he was asked about the Jacksonville convention

·       Correspondent piece (Desi) – How white people can be better allies

o   Perfect line – “Okay, I’ve watched all the Netflix documentaries. How else can I fight racism?”

o   The expert Desi spoke to cautioned her against calling to check in on her Black friends, saying, “You’re not the only white friend who might be calling,” and urging her not to put her emotional reaction on them

o   He emphasized that talking to racist friends and family members is a valuable way that white allies can help, since they might be listened to when Black people wouldn’t

·       Interview – Historian/author Eddie S. Glaude Jr.

o   Glaude was there to discuss his new book on James Baldwin’s later writings, and he came out right away with the excellent Baldwin quotes, like, “America’s always changing, but America never changes.”

o   He pointed out that this period of Baldwin’s work is angrier than some people are prepared to handle, and he grappled with how to present it in the book – “How could he be angry and still hold onto the belief that we can build a new Jerusalem?”

o   Trevor brought up Baldwin’s time as an expat in Paris, and Glaude discussed his own experience being a Black American in different countries where, even though racism is still present, it isn’t directed at him in the same way – “I looked like folk, but I wasn’t their Negroes.”

o   Great line here – “Every time we try to give birth to a new nation, the umbilical cord of white supremacy is wrapped around its neck.”

Tuesday, July 28

·       Main Story – Coronavirus stimulus bill

o   “The best way to go back to work is to not go back to work [too early]” – very true, and I liked Trevor’s plan for the government to fight the pandemic by giving every American “an HBO Max password and a giant bag of weed.”

o   We spent a good portion of time on the fact that the coronavirus stimulus bill apparently includes funding for F-35 fighter planes – “You don’t need any of this stuff, America – coronavirus is your defense!” (For real, who’d want to invade the U.S. right now?)

o   Plus, the wildly-expensive plane is riddled with problems that impair its functionality – I laughed at, “Sorry, the African in me just smelled a scam.”

·       Pandemic News – Rising cases in other countries, continuing surge in the U.S., Trump’s new “expert”

o   Good point on the comparatively-miniscule number of increased cases it takes for other countries to announce fears of a second wave – “You could fit all [of Hong Kong’s] cases on a school bus in America.”

o   I loved the response to a shoulder-to-shoulder, mostly maskless outdoor church service – “Jesus is supposed to die for you, not the other way around!”

o   The doctor Trump found to tout hydroxychloroquine also thinks that demons have sex with you when you masturbate but God watches you when you have marital sex – Trevor wasn’t fond of either option.

·       Fake Ad – Pandemic school supplies

o   My favorite was, “Crayons that double as nasal swabs: if your tot’s gonna stick it up there, you might as well get them tested!”

·       Correspondent Piece (Lewis) – Outdoor dining reopens in New York

o   I laughed at Lewis’s reaction to Trevor not being sufficiently put off by New York’s rats – “Someone’s watched that Ratatouille movie one too many times. I’ve had it up to here with Pixar’s pro-vermin propaganda!”

·       Interview – Voting rights advocates Tina Knowles-Lawson & Leigh Chapman

o   Knowles-Lawson and Chapman are working to get the Senate to vote on the the House-passed bill to provide funding for states to ensure safe elections – “We should not have to choose between public health and a functioning democracy.”

o   Because it bears repeating: Louisville had 640,000 registered voters and one polling place in the Kentucky primary.

o   Trevor and the guests also discussed the importance of being ready to accept that it will likely take days to know the full results of the general election, especially with Trump already working to undermine faith in the process.

Wednesday, July 29

·       Headlines – 2020 Emmy nominations, mystery seeds from China, Mackenzie Scott gives away $1.7 billion, Trump doesn’t discuss Russian bounties with Putin, announcement of federal agents pulling out of Portland

o   Trevor was thrilled to see so many Black actors nominated for Emmys, but he wants more – I laughed at, “Yeah, you heard me! We’re coming for you, white people!” and, “I won’t be happy until Kevin Hart is playing Queen Elizabeth on The Crown!”

o   So true – “Who just gets an unexpected package of seeds in the mail and goes, ‘Well, I wasn’t planning on planting any mystery vegetables in my backyard, but guess it’d be rude not to….’”

o   I loved this Mackenzie Scott joke – “She’s so rich that when she checks her balance on her phone, she has to turn it sideways. (When you in landscape mode, you rich-rich.)”

o   Great response to Trump’s assertion that the feds will “clean out” Portland if he deems it necessary – “You’re gonna clean out Portland? That’s a good idea, you guys left a lot of tear gas canisters and flash grenades lying around the place.”

·       Main Story – Black women’s overlooked contributions to social movements

o   I liked Trevor’s comments on a picture of Black suffragists who were excluded from the larger suffragist movement – “Just look at their faces. It’s like they’ve already seen the future and are like, ‘Mm hmm, I’m not gonna get credit for any of this, am I?’”

o   The story of Dorothy Height, who was instrumental in helping to plan the March on Washington, not being allowed to speak at the event broke my heart

o   I’m they included the LGBTQ rights movement in here too, with Stonewall being kicked off by trans women of color (not that you’d know that from the film about it, as the show pointed out – “Damn, they pulled a reverse Hamilton on the Stonewall movie!”), as well as the Me Too movement, which was started by Tarana Burke years before the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke

·       Interview – Stockton Mayor Michael Tubbs

o   They talked a lot about Tubbs’ guaranteed income program, which gives people $500 a month. Tubbs talked about it as a sign of trust, the same way that bailouts for corporations/industries signal that the government trusts that these companies will use the money in a way that’s good for the economy.

o   I really liked what he said about pivoting from the “dignity of work” to the “dignity of humanity.” If there’s dignity purely in humanity, then human dignity will be respected in work through things like unions, fair wages, and paid family leave.

·       Interview – YouTuber/actress Liza Koshy

o   Koshy talked about her new Netflix film as well as When We All Vote, an organization she works with to help educate Gen Z-ers about voting.

o   I liked this observation she made about Gen Z – “They have all this information in the palm of their hand, but then there’s that shame of not knowing.”

Thursday, July 30

·       Headlines – COVID-19 updates, Trump floats delaying the election, Trump fearmongers to white suburban voters

o   It’s only 95 days until the election, “so if you’re Black, you probably want to start waiting in line now!”

o   This line really hit home, re: Congress dithering over the next coronavirus stimulus bill – “If your government can’t help when things are this bad, then you don’t really have a government. You’re just paying people to watch this shit along with you.”

o   After Trump suggested delaying the election on Twitter, Trevor felt extra-vindicated by one of the earliest stories he ever did when he took over the show: comparing Trump to an African dictator.

o   We also looked at the pearl-clutching months ago when Joe Biden predicted that Trump would try to delay the election, and as usual, Trevor’s Trump impression was stupendous – “How dare you! I wouldn’t sink that low for at least three months!”

·       Main Story – Breonna Taylor’s murder

o   Even though this story is several months old, the show covered it today because Taylor’s name has become a trend on social media and Trevor wanted to go into detail about what happened to her.

o   Great point that Taylor’s boyfriend had zero reason to think it was the police who were breaking into their home and not an intruder, with Trevor noting that this is exactly the reason why people feel the need to own guns – if not when someone is breaking into your home, then when is the time to use it?

o   Trevor disputed the name “no-knock warrant,” preferring to call it “a home invasion where police get to act like they’re in a video game.”

o   “[The police] made a million mistakes, which is a million more than any Black person is ever allowed to make” – Trevor is always searingly insightful in stories about police killings, and this one is no exception.

o   And the mic drop at the end, after Trevor listed all the forces that had to be in place before Breonna Taylor was murdered in her own home by police who, months later, still haven’t been charged – “What happened to Breonna Taylor wasn’t a failure of the system. It was the system working as it’s intended.”

·       Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Studying sewage to look for COVID-19

o   I guess they wanted something light after the Breonna Taylor story?? Michael relished each of the poop jokes he told, and I admittedly chuckled when he announced that pooping (which then becomes part of a wastewater study to examine the prevalence of COVID-19 in a community) is his “civic doody.”

·       Interview – Anti-human-trafficking advocate Nadia Murad

o   Murad was kidnapped, trafficked, and abused by ISIS. She and Trevor spoke about how a lot of Americans believe ISIS is “over,” but the truth is that their remaining members are still “trying to create terror through the abuse of women’s bodies.”

o   I’d previously seen the clip of Murad attempting to describe her experiences to Trump, and it’s just as infuriating the second time around – Immediately after she tells him about her mother and brothers being murdered by ISIS, he asks, “And where are they now?” :rage:

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