The Lair of the White Worm (1988, R)

 

This is possibly the strangest outing I've had thus far, and since The Love Child includes multiple conversations with a toilet, that's saying something.  The Lair of the White Worm is very loosely based on a horror story by Bram Stoker (which is slightly less famous than a certain other work of his.)  However, the film is both a modern update of the story and a decided B-movie, all gore and ominous music and phallic imagery.  I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting from this movie, but what I got wasn't it.

 

The Lair of the White Worm kicks off when a young archeological student unearths a 2000-year-old reptile skull in Derby.  The locals tell him the tale of the D'Ampton worm, a folklore monster allegedly slain by the ancestor of the village's current lord, and it soon becomes apparent that the creature isn't as mythic as everyone thinks.  The worm turns out to be a tremendously fake-looking giant snake (it'd feel right at home with the Mara from classic Who) with vampiric venom, and it's up to the lord (a very young Hugh Grant – even before Four Weddings and a Funeral!), the student, and two sisters from the village to defeat it and its comely acolyte.

 

PC plays Angus Flint, the archeological student.  Angus is passionate about science and enjoys folklore, though he initially scoffs at the idea that the two could be connected.  He believes mainly in what he can see, but once he has seen, he's quick to get on board and start talking practical solutions, which makes him a desirable candidate for any monster-slaying team.  

 

As far as performances go, it's a little silly, as it seems to should be – I'd imagine it's hard to do otherwise when your character is discussing pornographic cave paintings or siccing mongooses on vampire snake-women.  Still, PC grounds Angus enough that he stays relatable, and you hope he doesn't end up as anyone's dinner.  Also, he sports some epically ridiculous '80s hair.

 

I should mention – bizarre as the aforementioned vampire snake-woman is, she's kind of great.  During the course of the film, she quotes both Oscar Wilde and Citizen Kane, just cuz, and her idea of playing with her food involves challenging her would-be victims to Snakes and Ladders.

 

Accent Watch

 

Three words:  Angus, bagpipes, kilt.  Safe to say he's Scottish.

 

Recommend?

 

In General – Possibly, if you like campy B-movies.  It was kind of fun in a really cheesy, lurid, whacked-out way.  Just know that this movie is insane.

 

PC-wise – Maybe.  He has a major role and, while playing Angus was never going to win him any acclaim, you might enjoy watching him run around in such a goofy film.

 

Warnings

 

Lots of gory, uber-fake violence, a little swearing, and a fair amount of sexual content, including nudity and all the phallic imagery you can shake a stick (or a snake) at.