News Satire Roundup: November 20th

Sunday, November 20

·        Recap of the Week – Chaos at Twitter under Elon Musk

o   Loved this description of Elon Musk – “A man who answers the question, ‘What if Willy Wonka benefited from apartheid?’”

o   Yeesh – “Many of the worst people on Twitter seemed to take Elon’s arrival as a sign that the brakes were now off, with one analysis finding the use of a racial slur spiking nearly 500% in the 12 hours after his deal was finalized. Which is pretty shocking, even for a website where a regular trending topic is sometimes just ‘The Jews.’”

·        And Now This – Local anchors talk about Thanksgiving foods

o   This one made me laugh – “Turkey tastes like dirt. Ham tastes like salted dirt.”

o   One anchor lamented that her kid hates Thanksgiving food, saying, “Listen, I tried! I make really good green bean casserole too.” – In response, her colleague deadpanned, “Apparently not!”

·        Main Story – The Qatar World Cup

o   Brutal – “FIFA: a cartel-like group of scumbags and assorted criminals who occasionally put on soccer matches.”

o   This was a great line – “Qatar wasn’t just a surprising choice, it was logically inexplicable. It would be like if the Westminster Dog Show awarded the Best in Show title to a tortoise. Nothing against that tortoise, but not only should it not have won, it should’ve been automatically disqualified.”

o   In order to host the World Cup, Qatar had to construct a whole new city to hold all the necessary stadiums, hotels, and amenities. Most of the labor came from migrant workers boxed into horrific conditions under the exploitative kafala system – “it’s true. All the new stadiums and infrastructure were essentially built through modern-day slavery. So we should probably introduce a new collective noun to refer to this group of stadiums: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, an atrocity of stadiums.”

o   One journalist interviewed a Qatari official about the migrants’ squalid living conditions, a conversation that did not go well – “Incredible. Nothing says ‘workers live in a comfortable and healthy environment’ quite like leaving the room 30 seconds are you realize that the person you’re talking to has actually seen that environment.”

o   When the head of FIFA was questioned about Qatar’s harsh anti-LGTBQ laws, which involve harsh prison sentences for men engaging in same-sex behavior, he shrugged it off, quipping that maybe gay athletes or fans should just refrain from those activities during the World Cup – “You know, they say in comedy, you can either punch up, punch down, or co-sign oppressive governments for a quick laugh while looking like the Penguin went to Wharton.”

o   Ever the class act, we also saw the head of FIFA in a truly despicable photo op – “Quick tip for the president of FIFA: if you are going to make arguments about how your organization is a ‘global force for good,’ maybe try not to sit between Mohammed bin Salman and Vladimir Putin, because you’re the filling in a real shit sandwich there.”

·        And Now This – Local anchors debate “pecan” pronunciation

o   Can’t argue with that – “It’s a ‘pi-cahn.’ Who wants to eat something called a ‘pee-can’?”

·        Finally – Last show of 2022

o   To wrap up the season, John caught up with the latest AI images involving him, focusing on a saga about him having a horrific unicycle mishap.

o   Once again, the AI image generator cheated the people out of a climactic image, as it pulled its punches on the end of the story – The creator had envisioned John ending an episode with 50 clowns careering on the studio on unicycles.

o   Naturally, John had to oblige and make that prompt a reality – “The concept of chaotic clowns wobbling around dangerously on unicycles actually felt like a pretty decent metaphor for the year that we all just went through. It’s messy, idiotic, a little bit scary, and it feels like someone didn’t fully think it all through.”