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Sunday, June 5
· Headlines – Queen Elizabeth’s jubilee
o John joined news personalities in the U.K. noting how the question of whether Prince Andrew would attend the jubilee was conveniently answered by the announcement of his positive COVID test prior to the celebration.
· Main Story – School resource officers
o 77% of mass shooters buy their guns legally – We really are just screaming into the void at this point, aren’t we?
o Instead of focusing specifically on the Uvalde shooting, John looked at one of the popular rallying points from the “anything other than guns control” – More police officers in schools.
o I loved John’s response to a video clip of a school resource officer (SRO) saying it “wouldn’t hurt” to have cops in schools – “‘Wouldn’t hurt’? Are you absolutely sure about that? Because, little secret, if we are showing something on this show, it could absolutely hurt. There has never been a moment where we’ve shown you a clip where a cop goes, ‘Wouldn’t hurt,’ and we’d say, ‘You’re right, Officer Big Man, it wouldn’t. Anyway, that’s our show. Have a great weekend!’”
o But when it comes to the “good guy with a gun” argument, studies have shown that SROs don’t deter school shootings or result in better outcomes when they occur. In fact, because many school shooters are suicidal, the presence of an SRO can lead to increased fatalities – “And if school officers can make shootings worse, why then are we still pitching them as a solution? If Off! discovered that their mosquito repellent attracted mosquitoes, they’d stop selling it, or at the very least, rebrand it as a cologne for lonely mosquito bachelors.”
o Most of the story was devoted, not to school shootings, but to what SROs do in non-emergency situations, such as get called in to deal with student behavior issues that aren’t illegal – “I know teachers have an exhausting job and, for some reason, society’s decided that their reward for that is insultingly-low pay and occasional thank-you apples […] While I understand a frustrated, overworked teacher wanting to get a troublemaking kid out of their classroom, involving the police in that is a very dangerous impulse for many reasons.”
There have been over 54,000 school-related arrests (the show didn’t specify over what length of time – But rather than all being for actual crimes, there were plenty of instances of students getting charged with assault “for throwing a paper airplane”, drug possession “for carrying a maple leaf,” and battery on a police officer for 5-year-old with ADHD who had a tantrum.
o A lot of these arrest charges are plainly not criminal, and a reporter in one county noted that 75% of student arrests at school did not get referred for criminal charges – However, whether the arrest is legitimate or bullshit, all these students then have arrests on their juvenile records, which will affect their future college and job prospects.
o Unsurprisingly kids with developmental disabilities are almost three times as likely as neurotypical kids to get arrested, and Black students make up nearly a third of arrests, which is double their share of enrollment.
o I wanted to slap the sheriff who supported no charges being brought against an SRO who knocked a student unconscious while slamming her to the ground during an arrest – He regretted that the student “had to go through this incident” while bemoaning how the officer “suffered the constant bashing” of people criticizing him for, you know, knocking a minor unconscious while he arrested her.
o In response to that sheriff, John said, “I honestly think no one makes a better case for defunding the police than the police themselves.”
o When schools in Minneapolis tried to create “better relationships” between SROs and students by replacing their cop uniforms with blue polo shirts, the students were unimpressed – “That’s right, teenagers aren’t stupid. You can’t send the cop uniform to a farm upstate. They know what is going on!”
o Excellent speech to end on – “We not only fail to keep our kids safe from gun violence, we condemn them to a system that criminalizes the essence of childhood. Kids deserve to be annoying without being arrested, to be sad and angry without being body-slammed. They deserve to have tantrums, throw carrots, do science experiments, talk shit, and carve their name into stuff without risking ending up in the back of a police car. They deserve to be curious, to make mistakes, to go a little too far, to be a little too loud, to basically be a fucking kid. And they definitely deserve better than the fundamental lie that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy who can arrest a 5-year-old.”
· And Now This – Local news covers the queen’s jubilee
o This was a very “local news anchors are at it again” montage – I caught numerous “cheerios,” an “ ‘ello, guv’nor!”, and multiple Mrs. Doubtfire impressions, which was purportedly those anchors’ only context for a Brtish accent?
· Finally – Banana sculpture vandalized in Australia
o This story was our entertaining treat for having made it through the last several grim weeks.
o I chuckled at John’s reaction to the artist explaining his sculpture of a giant half-peeled banana with a skull face – “Wow. Yeah, that is not the statement I thought that banana was making. The statement I thought it was making is ‘I’m a big, weird banana,’ so I was clearly way off there.”
o As John pointed out, though, Australia is full of big weird statues, among which was a ”massive crocodile with boxing gloves, whose role is to entice tourists to visit the very real town of ‘Humpty Doo,’ a statement so offensively Australian if it were not true, it would actually be racist.”
Monday, June 6
· Headlines – North Korean missile tests, Ohio trans sports ban, inappropriate Juneteenth celebrations
o I laughed out loud at this bit – “The U.S. and North Korea are communicating through missile launches? That’s adorable. It really is! It’s so different. ‘Missile, missile! You up?’ ‘Missile, missile. Nuh-uh.’”
o This was fun – “You know who I feel really bad for? Those missiles. Yeah. The missiles that were shot into the ocean. Because think about it. They think they have a specific purpose to blow up in glorious combat, but then, they just end up being used for a show. It must hurt their feelings. It’s like being a condom that gets put on a banana for sex ed class. I was meant for greater things, dammit!”
o Trevor said everything that needs to be said about Ohio’s trans sports ban – “Yeah, that’s right, America. You asked lawmakers to protect your kids from guns, and they said, ‘We got you. We’re gonna look at your kids’ genitals.’”
o I loved this description of Juneteenth – “The holiday commemorating the end of slavery. Or as Tucker Carlson would put it, ‘The day millions of African Americans became unemployed. Is that progress?’”
o In addition to tasteless products like Walmart’s Juneteenth ice cream and the “Juneteenth Watermelon Salad” in the cafeteria of a children’s museum, Trevor made this observation – “It’s amazing to me how America does this. Like, they turn every meaningful holiday into an excuse to spend money. Like, that’s part of the problem here. You don’t need to sell things for Juneteenth.”
· Main Story – L.A. mayor primary race
o Great response to candidate Rick Caruso’s desire to “take the Democratic Party back 30 years” – “Can I ask you an honest question? Why do so many politicians want to go back in time, but never forward? Like, they always say that. ‘I want to go back.’ ‘Take the Democratic party back 30 years.’ ‘Make America great again.’ ‘Bring back the good old days.’ People, we already tried the past. That is how we ended up here. You realize that?”
o It’s an important primary for L.A., but unfortunately, a lot of people polled about their choice expressed their support for Gavin Newsom…who’s the governor.
o “Damn. Forget knowing who’s running for mayor. A lot of people in Los Angeles don’t even seem to know that there is a mayor? Like, I thought $40 million in ads was a lot before, but now I’m feeling it’s not enough.”
· Interview – Musician Bobby Brown
o In between filming a documentary show about his life, Brown is back on tour with New Edition – In describing the differences between touring at 14 (his first) and now, he simply said, “You’ve gotta have a lot of Bengay after the show. A lot of Icy Hot.”
o Asking what advice he would give to his younger self, Brown said, “I would just tell myself to take my time, because I grew up way too fast. Being 14 and being on the road, being away from your family, you get into things.”
o However, he also said, “I’m not mad about it, because I wouldn’t be the man that I am today without experiencing all of the things that I’ve experienced.”
Tuesday, June 7
· Headlines – Turkey changes its official name, Russia steals Ukrainian grain for export, new gun reform laws in New York, CNN cuts back on “Breaking News” logo
o Trevor understood why Turkey now wants to be known by its Turkish name, Türkiye – “A country’s name is its brand. Nobody wants their brand associated with an animal that people don’t even like that much.”
o In fact, Trevor thought more countries should rebrand – “Like, this isn’t the United States of America. Let’s be honest, it’s more like that States that Barely Put Up with Each Other of America.”
o This one was my favorite – “Niger: oh, you need to change that name to be safe. You just need to change that name to be safe. I bet you right now they’re losing a ton of white people tourism ‘cause there’s a lot of white people who are too nervous to type that into Expedia.”
o In response to the news that Russia likely plans to sell stolen Ukrainian grain to African countries, Trevor wanted one thing known – “And by the way, just in case you’re wondering, Africans are going to use the grain to make, like, bread and shit, okay? These stories always make it sound like Africans are just gonna eat the grain right out of the sack.”
o A sadly-apt introduction – “Ever since the Uvalde school shooting, Congress has been working hard to craft sensible gun safety measures that can be narrowly defeated at the last minute.”
o Trevor had a great, relatable reaction to New York tightening its gun laws – “Wow. This is so weird. A mass shooting happened, and then politicians did something. I didn’t even know that that was possible.”
o He did have a caveat about raising the age to purchase AR-15s to 21 – “In my opinion, instead of 21, I feel like it should be 21 and four days. Yeah, ‘cause I don’t want someone buy a gun on the same night that they’re slamming ten shots of Jäger.”
o This made me chuckle – “Finally, let’s move onto a story about CNN, which stands for Cable News… Ninjas?”
o Valid – “Maybe, just maybe— all of cable news can acknowledge that maybe news doesn’t need to be 24 hours? Maybe? Huh? It’s not necessary, you know? Maybe you can wait to get all the facts and tells us the correct story at the end of the day. Just me?”
· Correspondent Piece (Roy) – Ammon Bundy
o Good intro – “For this story, I traveled to Idaho or Montana or…Wyoming— somewhere with no Black people.”
o Roy spoke with Ammon Bundy, a man best known for getting into armed standoffs with the government in multiple states – “Now, the guy who spent two years in prison for fighting the federal government before getting out on a mistrial is running for governor of Idaho.”
o Roy tried to understand Bundy’s desire to run for office when he’s so anti-government – “You know, like when you were a child, your daddy would be all in your business, come in your room, go through your toys. That’s government now. What we really want is a stepdaddy government that comes in and just goes, ‘Hey, don’t kill each other. I’ll be outside drinking.’”
o I appreciated Roy’s exasperated reaction to Bundy’s COVID conspiracy theories – “Any time people go, ‘I’ve done the research,’ they never say where.”
· Interview – Author Eliot Schrefer
o Schrefer described the fundamental principle of his book Queer Ducks (and Other Animals) – “We got the story of animal sex wrong, that we think of it as procreation only. Humans, sure. Humans, we have a wide variety of reasons for having sex. But animals, animals just dutifully like, walk up to Noah’s Ark in their male-female pairs and they have sex only to have offspring and that’s the end of the story.”
o In fact, a wide range of animals engage in same-sex sexual behaviors, including cockshafers, a.k.a. the doodlebug – “It seems like by naming it a cockshafer, you’ve already set up the situation, right? What were you expecting to happen?”
o Whoa, gay dolphins can have sex “2.4 times an hour on average” – the more you know!
o Schrefer also addressed increasing challenges to books in schools and libraries – “If you believe that this is an outside source, it’s a contagion that comes into people, that they read the wrong book that has a lesbian character in it, and now my daughter is going to become a lesbian. If that is truly your belief, then it’s also your belief that you can wall it out, right? If in our town there isn’t a single book that has a lesbian character, if there is— I’m not letting my kid watch TV shows that have them, then it’s impossible that she will become a lesbian.”
Wednesday, June 8
· Headlines – January 6th hearings, the EU standardizes chargers, Saudi Arabia starts a new golf league, punctuality coming into fashion
o Good description – “January 6th wasn’t just a way for QAnon members to get their steps in. It was the culmination of a high-level plot to overturn the election results.”
o Trevor noted that all the major networks would be airing the January 6th hearings – “Obviously, except Fox. Yeah. Yeah, they’re gonna be spending all night talking about the real culprit. ‘Why is nobody talking about how Congress has too many doors? If there was only one door in and out, this never would have happened. The crowd would have peacefully dispersed after hanging Mike Pence. Huh?’”
o Trevor had some ideas for how to “spice up” the hearings and hold Americans’ short attention spans – “Have a kiss cam for the witnesses. Yeah. Get Shakira to do a halftime show.”
o The EU is moving toward having just one type of device charger, the kind that’s used for everything except Apple products – “Oh really, Apple? You’re worried about a change out of nowhere that’s gonna render a billion devices obsolete. Oh, that’s funny, because I’ve got a drawer full of wired headphones that agree with you!”
o Trevor marveled that the EU is taking on chargers and needless electronic waste while Americans are busy trying to figure out gun safety and a living wage – “Meanwhile, Europe is so far ahead, they truly have first-world problems. You know? They’re like, ‘You know, I was thinking about this when I was in the doctor’s office not paying the other day….’”
o It’s controversial that PGA golfers are moving to Saudi Arabia’s new league, but Trevor wasn’t surprised – “You’re telling me that for $200 million, you wouldn’t play golf for the Saudis? Hell, let me tell you something. For $200 million, I would let the ruler of Saudi Arabia set up his tee on my crotch.”
o This cracked me up – “That’s right, people. Being on time is cool now. We’re putting the ‘punk’ in punctuality.”
o The bit on punctuality put its newfound popularity due to people reevaluating the value of their time during COVID, but Trevor wasn’t buying it – “In 2022, no one should be pissed off that they had to wait a little bit for somebody to show up. You’ve got a phone, people. Use it. Right? Read the news. Play a game. Learn Japanese. Maybe you should answer one of those 2,000 unread emails that I’ve seen on your phone.”
o Desi was the headline correspondent tonight. This was a great line – “You know what’s crazy, is that American country clubs have just started to let women play golf, and these guys are like, ‘Let’s move it to Saudi Arabia!’”
· Correspondent Piece (Roy) – Gentrification in Brooklyn
o Valid – “We’re gonna talk about gentrification. It’s why your old bodega is now a fancy brunch place named Bodega.”
o I loved this bit, about white hipsters moving into Black Brooklyn neighborhoods – “So I followed a trail of succulents and Wes Anderson DVDs deep into the den of gentrifying Brooklyn.”
o Good line – “The Trojan horse of gentrification seemed to increase the volume of nut milks while decreasing actual necessary food supply.”
o After discussing gentrification problems with Black resident, like rising housing costs and the loss of locally-owned businesses, Roy asked them what gentrifiers could do to be better neighbors – At the top of the list? “Just be kind.”
· Interview – Actress Iman Vellani
o Vellani proudly admitted that she loved watching the doubters of Ms. Marvel eat crow after the show premiered – “The amount of ‘actuallys’ in a sentence. ‘Oh, it’s actually pretty good.’ ‘Actually, I think I’m kind of liking it.’ So, that’s my favorite part.”
o She talked about discovering Ms. Marvel at her local comic-book shop when she was younger and getting bowled over by the representation – “It’s crazy. I felt like the comics were written about me, for me and only me.”
o When Vellani told Trevor that she was Ms. Marvel for Halloween when she was 15, she awesomely added, “I fully manifested this.”
o Trevor made an effort to try for some spoilers, but Vellani wasn’t budging – “I, like, swore an oath to Kevin Feige. I’m like, ‘You will not get a Tom Holland out of me. Nothing’s coming out.’”
Thursday, June 9
· Headlines – Rising gas prices, the House passes Protecting Our Kids Act, Summit of the Americas
o Good joke – “In fact, instead of champagne, gas is so expensive that ballers have started ordering canisters of premium at the club.”
o I loved this response to a police department advising officers to handle non-urgent calls by phone to save on gas – “Well, well, well. I guess Joe Biden did end up defunding the police.”
o Trevor had no patience for Rep. Steve Scalise deriding gun control because “we didn’t ban planes after 9/11 – “Wow! Wow, that is a good point! I can’t think of any way flying changed after 9/11. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the airport 15 hours early so the TSA has time to run a background check on my shampoo to see if it has any links to ISIS!”
o This was a great bit – “There is nothing else that is as unregulated as they want guns to be. So their options and the analogies they use always don’t make sense. They’re always like, ‘Cars kill people, too, but you don’t regulate… Wait, wait. Actually, I mean, alcohol kills people, too, but they… Wait, actually… No, wait. Medicine kills people, too, but we don’t regulate… Oh, no, wait. We do. Uh, let me think. Guns kill people, but we don’t regulate those, huh?’”
o Of course, even though the House passed this gun reform bill, everyone knows it doesn’t have a chance in the Senate – “What a weird system in America, where one chamber of Congress spends all its time passing legislation that they know the other chamber’s gonna shoot down.”
o Trevor noted that 1) even the bill was incredibly mild, only five Republicans voted for it and 2) four of those five aren’t seeking reelection – “Time and time again, you see whenever Republicans aren’t worried about pandering to Trump voters, all of a sudden, they make commonsense decisions.”
o Trevor thought President López Obrador had a point about the U.S. excuding Cuba, Venezuela, and Nicaragua from the Summit of the Americas – “America’s stance on human rights violations seems a little inconsistent. Right? Think about it. You won’t even talk to Cuba and Nicaragua? But then you’re gonna fly to Saudi Arabia and beg Prince Bone Saw to release more oil? Huh? I mean, it seems like America’s a lot more tolerant of countries that have a little, uh, cha-ching. Is that what it is?”
o Trevor also noted that, regardless of their human rights records, these countries are still part of the Americas and affect/are affected by the entire region – “Don’t you think it’s weird that you’re gonna be talking about migrants from Nigaragua, but then Nicaragua is not gonna be at that summit? You don’t think it’s strange?”
· Main Story – January 6th defendants
o I laughed when Trevor described January 6th as “the day when white people visited the democracy store and demanded to speak to the manager.”
o In the clips of far-right folks wringing their hands over how January 6th defendants are being treated by police, I’m glad they included this bonkers quote from Rep. Louie Gohmert about Peter Navarro’s arrest – “If you’re a Republican, you can’t even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent, or they’re coming after you.”
o Trevor’s response to Gohmert – “You realize he’s just stating the law, but in an angry voice. ‘You can’t hit pedestrians and drive away. You can’t even sell another man’s kidney on Craigslist. And if you steal your neighbor’s dog and sell it back to them for the money, it’s also not allowed. Is this America?’”
o But as Trevor pointed out, these people are now experiencing what Black people have been saying about the criminal justice system for decades – “I mean, Marjorie Taylor Greene. You heard what she said. She’s like, ‘Can you imagine a group of men who can’t pay bail and can’t see their family?’ Well, you don’t have to imagine it. America’s already go the largest population of them in the world.”
o We ended with Michael and Desi as a pair of Trump supporters having “the talk” about police with their son – “You can be targeted because of how you look or what you chant or who you’re assaulting with a flagpole.”
· Interview – Playwright Michael R. Jackson
o Noting that Jackson spent 20 years writing his critically-acclaimed Broadway show A Strange Loop, Trevor said, “George R.R. Martin would be like, ‘Yeah, I know what that’s like.’”
o Jackson discussed the effect that the success of the show is having on his life – “I guess, for me, the best part of the show has been actually talking to people after, when, like— when it lets out. Because what I’ve been finding is that, for some people the show is a mirror. And for other people, the show is a window.”
o Trevor pointed out that everyone in the audience seems to be connecting/relating to the show from a different perspective – Jackson explained – “There’s a lot of different reference points sort of in it because that’s kind of what it’s like to be a person. You’re made up of all of your reference points, your history, your different memories, everything.”
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