"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, January 22, 2022

News Satire Roundup: January 18th-January 20th

Tuesday, January 18

·        Headlines – Novak Djokovic barred from the Australian Open, concerns about 5G, viral moment from Oklahoma pastor

o   71% of Australians agreed with their government’s decision to deport Novak Djokovic for being unvaccinated – “Wow. It says something about you when that many Australians thinks you’re too dangerous to be in their country. I mean, this is the country whose health minister is a giant poisonous spider.”

o   Trevor’s response to airlines’ worries that 5G will interview with their radio signals – “Honestly, even if it’s true this time—if it’s true—if you tell people that they can download a movie in a few seconds, but there’s a slight chance it’ll crash a plane, pretty sure people are gonna be like, ‘Yeah, it’s-it’s worth it. I’ll take my chances.’”

o   After seeing the video of a pastor wiping his spit on his brother’s face to make a biblical(?) point, Trevor just said, “…How is COVID still spreading in America? We’re doing everything right!”

o   Loved this bit – “All these people who are like, ‘God doesn’t want you to wipe your nasty spit on people.’ Yo, somewhere Abraham is like, ‘Yo, He told me to kill my damn son. I wish He just wanted me to spit on him. You know how much therapy me and my kid had to go through after that? Shit was never the same!’”

·        Keeping Up with Corona – New CDC Guidelines

o   Trevor acknowledged that the CDC’s COVID guidelines have never really been straightforward and helpful – “I mean, do you remember their mask chart? Shit looked like a traffic light at an aneurysm.”

o   Trevor was frustrated that the CDC said N95s are really needed to stop the spread of Omicron but didn’t overtly recommend everyone to upgrade their masks – “I mean, in that case, I might as well wear a T-shirt with a seat belt drawn on it instead of an actual seat belt. Yeah. I mean, it looks like a seat belt. Doesn’t protect me, but I mean, apparently, that’s enough, right?”

o   I liked Trevor’s riff pondering the people who are still wearing cloth masks – “You either want to protect yourself or you don’t. You can’t just-the-tip the coronavirus.”

o   Next up were the new isolation guidelines. I really appreciated this tweet from one researcher emphasizing that five days isn’t enough – “Why do all the work to identify infections if we are going to just let them go back to work while still potentially infectious?”

o   The new guidance does mention particular individuals to avoid after that 5-day isolation… individuals equaling about 9/10s of the population – “Yo guys. Yo, the CDC is crazy, people. You can come out of isolation as long as you don’t interact with basically any other person. You realize, you’re describing isolation.”

o   Well said – “Kamala’s point was that the administration doesn’t need a new plan because we already have a way out of this pandemic, which is everyone getting vaccinated. But it should be obvious by now that hoping everyone gets vaxxed isn’t enough.”

o   Lastly, we looked at the new federal website for sending free at-home COVID tests, which can be received in 7 to 12 days – “I can’t help but think that if America just took a military approach to COVID, this testing thing would be solved like that. ‘Cause there’s no delays when it comes to the American military. American doesn’t need bombs and then start building them. America always has bombs ready to go! If America wants to drone someone, no one is like, ‘Okay, we can place the order now, and then we wait 7 to 12 days. Unless there’s a holiday. Then, in that case…’ No. It’s just boom!”

·        Interview – Dr. Bernice A. King

o   When asked what Martin Luther King Jr. Day means to her, King said, “I try to capture it in three ways. It’s a time to educate, advocate, and activate.”

o   This was a really well-stated observation from Trevor – “In your lifetime, you saw your father go from being one of the most hated men in America to now being one of the most beloved men in America but, ironically, almost not because he’s changed but because people have changed what he stood for.”

o   In response to that, King said, “We have an affinity for dead and deceased leaders. They’re more comfortable when they’re no longer with us, because they are not able to, you know, influence the masses in the same way.”

o   She pushed back against people who pick and choose what they say her father stood for – “We have to continue to be resolute in teaching the whole King.”

o   I liked this – “For some reason, people think love is like this, you know, namby-pamby weak kind of thing. No. It’s not. What love does is it makes sure that you are always trying to elevate the situation and even the person.”

Wednesday, January 19

·        Headlines – New York investigation into the Trump organization, freight train robberies, Rap Music on Trial bill

o   The latest Trump middle name – “Donald Jumanji Trump.”

o   Trevor wasn’t surprised that Trump overvalued his apartment by $200 million – “Donald Trump does not give a f**k. Let’s be honest. This dude will brag about himself even if it gets him in trouble. I bet when a cop asks him if he knows how fast he was going, he’s like, ‘Yeah, I do. 400 billion miles a second, the fastest anyone has ever gone. I was so fast. So fast.’”

o   People have been robbing freights trains for Amazon packages, leaving the empty boxes and anything they don’t want strewn along the tracks – “Did you see that mess? It’s like a Thomas the Tank Engine episode of Hoarders.”

o   Great bit – “Knowing how picky these robbers are is gonna make Valentine’s Day extra stressful. Because either your surprise gift doesn’t show up and your girl is pissed off or it does show up and she’s still pissed off. ‘Well, if this necklace was so great, why didn’t anyone steal it off a train, you cheap-ass bitch?’”

o   The Rap Music on Trial bill would prevent prosecutors from presenting song lyrics as “confessions” in court – “Just because you rap about killing someone doesn’t mean you did it. It’s just that a lot of words rhyme with ‘kill.’ ‘Chill,’ ‘hill,’ ‘windowsill,’ ‘Uncle Phil.’ All of the words you need in a rap song!”

o   This cracked me up – “And you don’t want worries about legal trouble to interfere with musical freedom, especially not rap music. Because throwing in the word ‘allegedly’ after every rap lyric really screws with the flow.”

·        Main Story – Boris Johnson’s lockdown scandals

o   After news broke that multiple parties were held at 10 Downing St. during COVID lockdowns, 63% of British people want Boris Johnson to resign.

o   Good point – “You can see why so many people have turned on Boris over his scandal. Because while he was having parties, the people of Britain were dealing with severe lockdowns. And I’m not talking about American lockdowns. I’m talking about real lockdowns. Like, there were curfews. The government limited how many people you could see. People weren’t even allowed to have anyone over for Christmas. Yeah, if Santa came down your chimney, you’d have to shoot him dead.”

o   Trevor didn’t buy Johnson’s claim that the parties were just “work events” – “How could you not know that was a party? I mean, it’s not a work event. They said ‘Bring your own booze.’ That never happens for a regular work meeting. No one’s ever like, ‘We really need to figure out our fourth quarter projections, so grab some tequila, because Daddy’s making margaritas.’”

o   I loved Trevor’s reaction to Johnson’s claim that “nobody told [him]” the parties broke COVID restrictions – “Nobody told you? They’re your rules! Your rules to deal with a global pandemic. This isn’t your kids’ birthdays. You got to remember this shit.”

o   In light of the scandals, Johnson has decided to end all COVID restrictions in the UK – “Oh shit! Boris went from B-Y-O-B to D-G-A-F. You can’t break the rules if there are no rules!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – January 6th anniversary

o   Jordon tried to puzzle through the logical of the “respectful” protester shouting profanity at a CNN anchor at the Capitol – “It’s important to have respect for the office of the president […] and at the same time wear a shirt that says ‘F**k Biden.’”

o   Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene announced a plan to re-enact “walking the grounds” of the January 6th insurrection – “Hey Matt Gaetz, if you are going to re-enact the events of January 6th, who is going to take a shit in the rotunda? And also, who is going to make the gallows?”

o   In a brief interview with Rep. Gallego, Jordan recalled his own memories of January 6th and a man who shouted insults at him – “The guy was talking with a pitchfork. If he’s not in Congress, he’s definitely running in the midterms.”

o   Jordan also visited a vigil outside a jail where some of the charged insurrectionists are being held – After confirming that the vigil was for the insurrectionists and not the 140 police officers that they injured, he noted, “Even a year later, selective victimization was still trending hot.”

·        Interview – Actor/singer Ariana DeBose

o   In talking about the “10-year overnight success” she’s experiencing with West Side Story, DeBose was channeling some Into the Woods “Any Moment” energy –“You know moments, they’re moments. They’re fleeting. Ephemeral. Fleeting.”

o   She was excited, not just for the film itself, but for increasing opportunities for BIPOC actors across the industry – “I’m very grateful for the opportunities to be seen, especially for artists of color. Like, it feels like we’re all starting to have a different kind of moment right now. And most of our work is not only being seen but considered and valued in different ways. And so that’s really the heart of why I’m so excited.”

o   DeBose especially cherished this moment for herself as an Afro-Latina actor, because her community is represented so rarely onscreen – “I don’t think any film is a perfect film, but I do think the fact that we-- that my inclusion in this film works-- we’re the beginnings of getting it right.”

Thursday, January 20

·        Headlines – Supreme Court rejects federal vaccine mandate, the cooling of the Earth’s core, M&M character redesign

o   I loved this offshoot from the observation that Superman is the only person who doesn’t need/can’t get the vaccine (since his skin would break the needle) – “Which, I guess, means that Clark Kent can’t get the vaccine, because then people would know that he’s Superman. So now he just has to pretend to be an anti-vaxxer so that he doesn’t give away his secret identity, so then he gets fired from The Daily Planet, so now he works for Fox News?!?”

o   Whether businesses are or aren’t choosing to employ vaccine mandates, there are some people calling for boycotts – “Good luck boycotting Starbucks. Yeah. How are you gonna boycott America’s number-one bathroom provider? ‘Cause, I mean, I’ve got principles, but my number-one principle is to not go number two in my pants.”

o   Great response to the news about the Earth’s cooling core – “You know, sometimes I feel like living on Earth is like owning your first home. There’s always something new that’s random and breaking.”

o   This cracked me up – “Finally, let’s talk about M&M’s, the only time it’s okay to say, ‘I don’t like the brown ones.’”

o   This was a great line – “But I mean, that’s 2022, right? Women will probably lose the right to an abortion, but, on the plus side, the green M&M gets to wear comfortable shoes. Hakuna matata.”

·        Main Story – Voting rights ahead of the midterms

o   This was a great description – “America’s basic cable elections are coming up in November, which is just five COVID waves away.”

o   I love Trevor’s perspective on America as someone who didn’t grow up here – “Voting—it’s what makes America the greatest democracy in the world. And if you don’t like American democracy, America will come invade your country to show you in person how good choosing for yourself is.”

o   Good line – “For Trump to say the vote counter is more important than the candidate, I mean, that just shows you how committed he is to ensuring the democratic process goes the way he wants it to. I mean, think about it. Donald Trump said, ‘Stop thinking about me so much.’ It’s unprecedented!”

o   Great response to Sen. Manchin’s refusal to stop the filibuster (for voting rights, not for raising the debt ceiling) – “Yeah. Joe Manchin is right. Everything in the Senate should be as difficult as possible. If Democrats want to pass a bill, Chuck Schumer should have to carry it through a stage of American Ninja Warrior first.”

o   Excellent explanation of Senators Manchin and Sinema’s stance here – “Because you see, those two do support the Democrats’ voting rights bills. They just don’t support making sure they pass.”

o   Another great summation – “What Joe Manchin is saying is, ‘I want to help you out of the water. I’m not going to throw you a rope, but I want to throw you the rope. And any drowning man would agree—it’s the thought that counts.’”

o   This was savage, in response to pundits who were both-sidesing Biden’s concerns about election integrity if Congress doesn’t pass voting-rights protections before the midterms – “Joe Biden needs to step up and say that not a single other country in the world has a better electoral system than America. People in Denmark—they wish. They wish they could spend all of Election Day sweating in a high school gym. I mean, sure, that’s why most functioning countries actually have their elections run by nonpartisan independent commissions, you know, to make sure that politicians can’t twist the voting laws for their own gain. But that would just be ridiculous! I mean, think about it. You want the people in charge of the election to have some skin in the game, right? That’s how you know it’s fair.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Social media influencers encourage vaccination

o   Sigh – the U.S. ranks 46th in the world when it comes to COVID vaccination, despite having astronomically greater access to vaccines than many countries in the world.

o   Desi looked at Guilford County, North Carolina, which has enlisted influencers to promote vaccination to their followers who maybe are more include to listen to influencers than politicians or public health officials – I laughed at, “As a self-licensed juice therapist, I am all about avoiding public health experts.”

o   One influencer described her role thusly – “I’m like the sock puppet, I guess, for those experts that they can speak to that comes off a little bit less Big Brother-y.”

o   This was a good line – “So how effective is this program? Are we talking, like, Pfizer-level effective, or are we talking Johnson & Johnson, it’s better than nothing?”

·        Interview – UFC champion Francis Ngannou

o   Ngannou and Trevor started out sharing the biggest “shocks” they experienced over American culture – “Usually-- when I was a kid, if I complained about something, I’d have a slap. Bop! And here, they’re like, ‘Oh, please, eat your food, Junior. Please, baby, eat it.’ I’m like, send Junior in Africa for two days, when Junior comes back, he will be eating all his food.”

o   In addition to talking about his story of being a UFC fighter and sharing his anticipation for an upcoming important fight, Ngannou talked about his efforts to help raise wages for UFC fighters in an industry that’s rapidly rising in popularity and profit – “I’m not asking to share, but I just need to have some respect, to see that I’m worth it.”

o   He had a very sweet story about how mind-blowing it is that he now converses with The Rock, someone he’s always looked up to, and expressed his desire to become that person for kids back in Cameroon – “Basically, knowing that where I come from, that’s what we need. We just need hope. From my experience, I believe that somebody that has hope and self-believing is a successful person. It doesn’t matter if you have zero dollars in your bank account. That faith will push you out there and then will make you a successful person.”

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