"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, December 4, 2021

News Satire Roundup: November 29th-December 2nd

Monday, November 29

·        Main Story – Omicron variant

o   Very true – “We had alpha, we had lambda, we had delta. You know, COVID basically turned the planet into the shittiest frat house of all time.”

o   One scientist described omicron’s litany of mutations as “all [of COVID’s] greatest hits in one place” – “Like if Mamma Mia! killed you instead of teaching you about the power of love.”

o   I loved this – “How did that happen after everything we did? I mean, for two years now, people, we wore masks for some of the time, we social-distanced when it was convenient, then, like, half of us got vaccinated. What more is it gonna take?!”

o   Fun bit – “The good thing about them skipping those letters is that means we’re halfway to omega now, which is the last letter of the Greek alphabet. And that means once COVID reaches the end of the alphabet, it can’t make any more variants, people! That’s just science. We did it, baby.”

o   I liked Trevor’s reaction to Gov. Abbott arguing that South Africans kept out of the U.S. by a newly-imposed travel ban (due to omicron) will just cross the southern border – “Look, props to the governor of Texas for being able to turn literally any story into a complaint about the border. ‘Everyone’s watching Red Notice on Netflix, when what they should be doing is watching our southern border!’”

o   My thoughts exactly – “Omicron has already been found in over a dozen countries, a dozen countries around the world. Right? We don’t know where it started. We don’t know how long it’s been around. It’s everywhere, from Hong Kong to Israel to Spain. So why aren’t you banning travel from all of those countries, too? Huh? Only the African countries?”

·        Interview – Dr. Peter Hotez

o   Hotez, who’s been on the show a couple times before in pieces with Jaboukie, called the backlash against South Africa and neighboring countries “demoralizing” – “What did people think was going to happen if we refuse to vaccinate the African continent, and help Africa vaccinate itself? This was both predicted and predictable. So, the rise of omicron was inevitable from the simple fact that the African continent is virtually entirely unvaccinated.”

o   He didn’t think much of travel bans either – “They haven’t worked this entire epidemic. Why would they work now?”

o   Trevor pointed out that omicron was sequenced in South Africa, but since it’s already been identified in a dozen countries, we don’t necessarily know where it originated – Hotez replied, “That’s always my first talking point when people are wringing their hands about the omicron variant. They’re saying: Oh my god, but it’s in multiple European countries and in Australia and Canada, maybe the United States. And I say, well yeah, that’s been true of every variant we’ve had. By the time we identify a new variant, it’s almost always all over the world.”

·        Interview – Actor/producer Thandiwe Newton

o   Newton was there to discuss President, her new documentary on a stolen election in Zimbabwe – Trevor pointed out, “This is a story, not just about Zimbabwe, but about democracy as a whole.”

o   When asked why she chose to produce this documentary, she said, “I realized recently that I’ve been a spokesperson for people all over the world except for Zimbabwe, my own home, because I feared the political backlash.”

o   Trevor noted the similarities between what happened in Zimbabwe and what was attempted in the U.S. in 2020 – Newton agreed, saying, “It’s a framework that is… we can see all over the world. You talk about, is this America? Well, yes, it is. It’s happening in Zimbabwe. It’s happening in Congo. It’s happening in the United States. It’s happening in the Middle East. It’s happening everywhere, this imbalance, this knowledge of where power rests and an inability for that to be shared amongst everybody.”

o   Newton praised the film’s director for her cinema verité style of filmmaking, attempting purely to capture what she saw without influencing it in any way – “All you see in this film is what was actually happening, and it is more crazy than any kind of murder mystery, any kind of CIA drama.”

o   This was beautifully stated – “We also know that there are people suffering in this system, and there are people cheating in this system. If we find the cheaters, those that are suffering will suffer less.”

Tuesday, November 30

·        Headlines – Omicron variant, Barbados becomes a republic, North Korea bans leather jackets

o   It took Trevor a few tries to correctly name the omicron variant – I love that one of his guesses was, “Emmanuel Macron?”

o   Relatable – “The world is still waiting to find out whether omicron […] will be a significant problem in our lives. And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now. You know? Should I be buying my Spider-Man tickets, or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals?”

o   Great line – “Let’s talk about colonialism. It’s basically gentrification, but for entire continents.”

o   Loved Trevor’s reaction to Rihanna being named a national hero of Barbados – “Well damn! Rihanna put up one photo of her butt, and immediately, Barbados was like, ‘All right, we’re done with the queen, Rihanna is our leader now.’”

o   This made me smile – “You know, you got to feel bad for the British empire. I mean, unless your country was pillaged by them and they stole all your jewels and resources.”

o   I really liked this bit – “We think of colonialism as, like, this old thing from textbooks, but you realize that in 2021, there’s still, like, a dozen countries that have the queen’s picture on their money! And not like the dope picture. You understand how wild that is? Like, imagine if your ex had so much power over you that 300 years after you broke up, you still had to have their face on your phone’s lock screen.”

o   I had the same thought – “This is such a strange story, because I always thought that dictators wanted everyone to copy them. You know? ‘Think like me, act like me, look like me, dress like me.’ But then Kim Jong-un, he looked at himself wearing this jacket, and he was like, ‘Nobody else is allowed to look this fly.’”

·        Main Story – COVID conspiracy theories

o   Trevor was asking the important questions about the omicron variant – “Does it spread faster? Does it make you sicker? And is it available as an NFT?”

o   I loved Trevor’s skepticism of the conspiracy theory that Democrats make up new variants prior to elections – “You realize for this to be true, the Democrats would have had to coordinate on this lie with the World Health Organization and South African scientists and governments across Europe. You serious, people? You know the Democrats can’t coordinate shit. The only thing Democrats can coordinate is their kente cloths.”

o   Trevor said that the show consulted an oncologist after a Fox News pundit claimed that human bones are full of coronaviruses – “We were like, ‘Weird question, but if you crack open a bone, do hundreds of coronaviruses fly out?’ And she was like, ‘No. And, also, why is everyone asking me this question today?’”

o   This made me laugh – “First of all, Stephen Miller, ‘if’ President Trump was still in office? If? Someone’s not a true believer. JFK Jr. will be so disappointed when he hears about this one.”

o   I loved Trevor’s response to claims that Trump would’ve handled this new variant already (even though it allegedly doesn’t exist) – “First of all, he would have spent four months denying there was even a new variant, and then he would have wasted six more months saying that the vacines were on their way, but then also don’t worry about it, because it’s not going to hurt anybody, but also the vaccines are coming. And then he would have gotten omicron himself, and then he would have been like: ‘Omicron is real, folks. Totally real, and I beat it. I karate-chopped it so hard, I destroyed it.’”

o   Trevor’s impression of Trump bragging about being omicron went on for quite a bit longer, culminating in, “And I beat it, so now it’s over! Congratulations to all, even the haters and the losers.’”

o   Trevor pointed out that, last year, the conspiracy theory was that COVID would “magically” disappear after the election, i.e., that the Democrats would drop it as soon as the election was over – “To be fair, for a while after the election, we did hear less about COVID. Mostly because the news was about Donald Trump trying to overthrow the country.”

·        Interview – Activists Natalie & Derrica Wilson

o   Natalie and Derrica run a foundation called Black and Missing, which fights disparities in law enforcement/media attention for Black and brown missing persons.

o   One issue they pointed out was the importance of getting law enforcement to start looking for missing girls, and the media to start publicizing their cases, as soon as possible – “We all know that the first 24 hours are the most critical moments when someone goes missing, but a lot of jurisdictions all over the country require you to wait 24 hours before you can even file a missing persons report.”

o   Their advice to media outlets claiming that stories about missing Black and brown girls won’t drive viewership –  “Don’t wait until it trends. Help it to be a trend.”

Wednesday, December 1

·        Headlines – Chris Cuomo helped brother Andrew with sexual harassment allegations, news that Trump tested positive for COVID a week before it was announced, Supreme Court hears argument about Mississippi abortion ban

o   Trevor acknowledged that siblings covering for each other is something “ingrained” from childhood, but he didn’t let that excuse Chris Cuomo’s actions – “Of course, it does matter, and it does make a difference how you help your brother and what you’re helping him with. Like, if your brother murdered somebody, you can either help him get the best lawyer in the country or you can help him bury the body. I mean, both make you a good brother, but one makes you an accessory after the fact.”

o   This made me smile – “Well, damn. Omicron got here quickly. Say about you want about Joe Biden, but he got that supply chain moving. Am I right, guys?”

o   One of several in-person events Trump attended (maskless) after testing positive for COVID was the first presidential debate – “What was especially irresponsible about this is that he hid, he completely hid his positive test right before he went on stage and screamed at 98-year-old Joe Biden for two hours. I’m not saying that Trump was trying to assassinate Joe Biden, but he definitely wasn’t going out of his way to avoid it.”

o   This was Trevor’s take on the Supreme Court abortion case – “When you think about it, it is wild. It’s wild for the United States to take such a step backwards in women’s rights. It’s almost like the U.S. invaded Afghanistan to defeat the Taliban, and then came back to the U.S. like, ‘Actually, those guys have some pretty good ideas.’’

o   Quoted for truth – “The truth is, this is the culmination of a 50-year plan for the conservative movement to reshape the courts for this very purpose. And say what you want about it, but you’ve got to admit, man, the conservative movement is just that dedicated to protecting life. I mean, not protecting life from coronavirus or school shootings, or from a lack of healthcare or climate change or poverty or homelessness or….”

·        Interview – Former gun executive Ryan Busse

o   Busse has published a book on his issues with the gun industry – He explained that, while he’s always advocated for responsible gun ownership, “I started to see things in the firearms industry and in my life and in my career where responsibility was not being inserted into the discussion anymore and just runaway rights were taking over.”

o   Bussee noted a shift he’s seen in gun ownership becoming an increasingly-large part of some people’s political identities, noting the number of pro-gun flags at the January 6th insurrection – “Political radicals, right-wing political radicals in this country now are driven, are owned…. They use guns as the central symbol of their identity. That’s a dangerous thing. This is authoritarianism, you know, at its formative stages.”

o   Trevor compared the U.S.’s gun violence with Switzerland’s, which has a similarly-high number of guns per capita but has many laws regulating their use – “It seems like it’s not ‘cool’ to be safe with guns now in the world of gun ownership [in the U.S.].”

o   This was a strong statement from Busse – “I don’t think Kyle Rittenhouse was an aberration. I think he’s a warning of what’s to come.”

·        Interview – Former NBA player Scottie Pippen

o   Pippen is the latest athlete with a memoir to appear on the show. As such, the interview was very reflective of his life and career – Trevor asked whether Pippen always knew he was destined for greatness, and he replied, “I think I was taking it day by day, step by step. Like any kid, I was dreaming and wanting one day to play in the NBA, but, you know, along that journey, you got to reach certain other steps, you know?”

o   They also discussed the events of the Last Dance documentary as a pivotal time in Pippen’s life – “I had been playing under the wings of Michael Jordan for, I guess at that time, six years, three championships, so I felt like it was time for me to break out and to let them know that, hey, I came here to be a star player. I didn’t come here to be a second fiddler to anyone.”

Thursday, December 2

·        Headlines – Omicron cases in the U.S., MLB work stoppage

o   Valid – “But people, please remember this, please remember this. We shouldn’t be surprised when we find more and more cases, okay? Because Omicron is like those microscopic bugs that live in your eyelashes. Even if you don’t see them, you know that they’re there. Yeah. Laughing at you. About all the spiders that crawl into your mouth when you sleep.”

o   Trevor took note of one of the MLB’s pettier moves toward the players in the midst of labor disputes – “They took all the players’ photos off the MLB website. You know who’s feeling great about this right now, yeah? Anyone who collects baseball cards. ‘Well, well, well, you guys said there was no reason for me to have a photo of Albert Pujols, but now I’m the only guy who knows what he looks like.’”

o   That said, Trevor expected the MLB and the players to work it out before the season starts, since the MLB needs players and the players’ job skills don’t translate well to other jobs – “Yeah, I’m looking for a position where I can stand around doing nothing for most of the day, but then every 20 minutes, something comes at my head really fast. Yeah. Also, I want to be able to slap anyone’s ass whenever I like.”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Angela Merkel

o   Trevor was a little unnerved by the military parade given for Angela Merkel as she steps down as prime minister of Germany – “Yo, Germany, what the f**k? Yo, am I the only one who picked up the Nazi vibes there? The torches and shit? Yo, you guys better stop before you reach Poland. We’re watching you!”

o   Very true – “What’s really remarkable is that, after all that time, she still has a 70% approval rating. Guys, usually the only time a world leader leaves with that high of an approval rating is because they killed everyone that didn’t approve!”

o   I loved this reaction to Putin bringing a large dog to a meeting with Merkel as a power move, knowing she’s scared of dogs – “Goddamn. I like dogs and that dog scared me. I mean, look at the size of that thing. It’s like an evil Clifford.”

o   This was a good bit too – “Obviously, bringing a dog to that meeting was a dirty move by Putin, you know? But, on the other hand, he didn’t cover it in poison first, so, by Putin’s standards, that is some good diplomacy.”

o   I liked this, in response to the embarrassing treatment Merkel received from many other (male) world leaders over the course of her career – “You can’t even really do anything about it, because there’s no HR for world leaders. What are you going to do, tell the UN that someone rubbed your shoulders? I mean, they don’t even do anything when there’s a genocide.”

o   Merkel initially planned to step down in 2017 but decided she needed to run again after Trump was elected president – “That just goes to show you how insane it was that Trump got elected. Like, if you get a job, and someone all the way in Germany is like, ‘oh, mein Gott. This certainly changes my life plans,’ that is saying something about you.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Power couples of 2021

o   Desi’s response to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez getting back together was very much about J-Lo – “What the hell? She’s 52? Years?! I didn’t look that young at 52 months.”

o   The number-2 “couple” on the list was Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema – “Everyone was talking about these two Senate sweethearts because they love grinding… everything to a halt.”

·        Interview – Actor William Jackson Harper

o   Harper admitted that he nearly quit acting – “The industry had me on the ropes. I was, you know, catching a lot of left hooks. But yeah, it was-- Good Place came along at exactly the right time and just sort of, like, rescued me, you know?”

o   I liked what he had to say about the “messiness” of his character in his new show Love Life – “You know, it feels really human to me. I feel like, you know, there’s something about the genre of rom-com where, like, your central character is always so sympathetic and everything is happening to them. But I feel like in life, you know, when you’re going through something like that, you are partly responsible if not mostly responsible for a lot of the drama that’s coming your way.”

o   This was a nice observation from Trevor about the series – “There were really cool, calm moments where you’re just like, ‘Oh yeah, this is what most relationships are,’ and that is just the nothing between the valleys and the peaks.”

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