"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, December 5, 2020

News Satire Roundup: November 30th-December 3rd

Monday, November 30

·        Headlines – Boxing matches, Biden fractures his foot, “Santacon” cancelled due to COVID restrictions

o   Trevor’s only conclusion for how a YouTuber wound up boxing an NBA player is that professions were randomly pulled out of a hat – “And in the next fight we’ll see… a Nobel physicist, versus… musical legend Tony Bennett!”

o   I laughed at Trevor’s reaction to Biden fracturing his foot while playing with his dog – “Once again, I am just relieved that America doesn’t choose its leaders the same way Wakanda does, because right now, that dog would officially be the new president of the United States.”

o   Upon learning that New York’s Santacon pub crawl is cancelled, Trevor thought Santa Claus himself was in need of a cancellation – “Let’s face it, dude is problematic as hell: sneaks into everyone’s homes, goes to malls to have kids sit on his lap, and he’s kissed all of our moms? Yo, how is this dude still around?”

·        Main Story – Trump’s last-minute policy pushes

o   Great response to Trump paying $3 million for a Wisconsin recount that netted Biden 87 more votes than the last time – “I almost want Trump to pay for a third recount, so they’ll be like, ‘Oh yeah, and you have a small dick too, Mr. President.’”

o   I liked that one of Trump’s anti-immigration policies on Trevor’s list was “renaming San Antonio ‘St. Tony’” – I laughed.

o   Great bit about how, if Trump is going to increase the length of the citizenship test, applicants should be allowed to answer the questions like Trump would – I can’t remember everything from Trevor’s impression, but it included lines like, “No one knows more about the Stamp Act than I do,” “So many stamps!”, and “I’ll have a lot more for you on that in two weeks, ese.”

o   I loved when Trevor said, “Also, it’s gonna much harder to study for this test now that so much Confederate statues have been taken down,” then wailing, “What have we done?! There’s no other way to study U.S. history!!”

o   Of course Trump wants to expand capital-punishment methods of execution. Awesome riff from Trevor on firing squads – “By the way, one thing I’ve never understood about firing squads is, why do you need a whole squad? Like, how bad is their aim that they need eight people to shoot at you? This is America! One person can kill thirty people in a minute with a gun, you don’t need eight people to kill one person!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – The economic cost of climate change

o   The expert Dulcé talked to endeavored to contextualize the amount of GDP loss that will result from ongoing climate change – “$100 billion is Jeff Bezos, so $1 trillion is like 10 Jeff Bezos.” Dulcé later used that unit of measurement herself, reminding us that “$25 billion is a quarter Jeff Bezo.”

o   Dulcé was impressed by a 21-year-old activist suing the U.S. government over climate change – “Is this a Doogie Howser situation? I know you don’t get that reference, because you’re 21!”

·        Interview – NBA player Stephen Curry

o   I grinned at the beginning of the interview, in which Trevor lamented that they were both wearing gray hoodies and urged Curry to coordinate wardrobes with him next time – Curry pointed out that they could use their hairstyles to tell each other apart, and Trevor claimed he saves his cornrows for the weekend.

o   Curry talked about partnering with Under Armor to launch his own brand – Trevor highlighted the brand’s philanthropic arm, noting, “You guys are gonna be setting up to create safe places where kids can play sports, and a lot of people take that for granted.”

Tuesday, December 1

·        Headlines – White House Christmas decorations, endangered sea turtles flown to Florida for warmer waters, mysterious monolith in Utah, French bill to prevent people from sharing recordings of police, CDC advisory panel votes on COVID-19 vaccine priority recipients

o   Trevor’s reaction to the White House’s hospital decorations in honor of frontline workers – “Aw, they even have a little ornament hospital! Given how crowded the real hospitals are right now, that one better get ready to start taking in tiny patients.”

o   I laughed at this line – “I gotta say, though, this whole ‘flying them somewhere else’ thing is going to make other animals jealous. There was probably a duck migrating that looked in on the plane and was like, ‘Oh, hell no! I gotta fly myself?!’”

o   Very true – “It just goes to show you, whether it’s America, France, or Nigeria, the official government line is always that police brutality is not a problem. Then, time and time again, we discover video evidence that shows otherwise. So really, it’s no surprise that the French government wanted to ban filming. It’s easier to gaslight the public when there’s no evidence to the contrary.”

o   I liked Trevor’s plan to decide who gets the vaccine first via “Vaccine Ninja Warrior.”

·        Post-Election News – Biden announces administration picks, Wisconsin and Arizona certify election results, Trump’s “Election Defense Fund”

o   I liked Trevor calling Biden “America’s Control-Alt-Delete.”

o   Loved this bit – “Don’t be fooled: this team isn’t as diverse as it seems on the surface. For example, all of these people have experience in their fields. Yeah, everyone’s experienced! The Trump administration would never have tolerated this kind of discrimination against incompetents. Shame on you, Joe Biden! Shame on you.”

o   Great line about Trump raising $170 million for his so-called Election Defense Fund – “Even at the very end of his presidency, Donald Trump is grifting his own supporters out of their money. I guess the only thing he doesn’t have to recount is balls, because clearly the man has a massive pair to go out like this.”

·        Interview – Author Ernest Cline

o   Note: going into this interview, all I could think about was this thread from writer Laura Hudson reacting to the opening chapters of Ready Player Two – some of the images of the text have been removed now, but it’s still a doozy.

o   In talking about Cline’s new book, Trevor noted the wish-fulfillment angle of the virtual world Cline created but appreciated that “the fantasy is couched in the reality of its toll on human beings.”

o   In response to Trevor’s comments about the diversity in the books, Cline said, “It’s one of the things I love about the Internet and video games, that by creating an avatar, you’ve created this alternate, idealized version of yourself and you have control over how other people see you. The Internet can strip away a lot of prejudices that way by allowing people just to connect as pure intellects” – And yes, I did think, “Ah, of course, the Internet and gamer communities! We all know there’s no sexism/racism/homophobia/transphobia there!” Seriously, what was that?

·        Interview – Actress Rosie Perez

o   Trevor began the interview by asking Perez about her own experience having COVID in the very early days, getting sick while filming in Asia before most people knew about the virus – I can only imagine how harrowing that was for her.

o   Since then, she’s worked hard to educate people about COVID – asked what she hoped to achieve, she explained, “For them to wake up. For them to understand how deadly and how serious this [is], and that we [have] to respect each other more.”

o   They also talked about her new miniseries The Flight Attendant – I liked Perez’s affection for her seemingly-shady character, asserting, “Without judging her, I wanted to bring something special to it.”

Wednesday, December 2

·        Pandemic News – Britain is the first country to approve the vaccine, Belgium’s holiday party restrictions, Hungarian MEP resigns over attending a sex party against COVID regulations

o   I loved Trevor describing COVID-19 as “the reason our nostrils aren’t virgins anymore.”

o   Great impression of Britain finally “getting revenge” to promising vaccines for all its colonies – “Oh wait, that's right…”

·        Main Story – Trump’s last-minute pardons

o   On Trump considering pre-emptively pardoning his children – “He’s not even pardoning them for anything specific! Trump is just handing out pardons like they’re gift cards. ‘I figured I’d let you pick your own crimes, so it’s yours. Just do something crazy, you know? Live a little!’”

o   The 45th president of the United States, ladies and gentlemen – “So there was already controversy over Trump’s pardons, and now bribery might be involved as well! Basically, Trump managed to shove one of his scandals in the middle of another scandal. So impressive!”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Racial discrimination in housing

o   This reaction to an impending eviction crisis is so true – “It’s truly amazing that the American government, the most powerful nation in the world, has failed its people so badly. I mean, it almost feels like they tried to one-up the damage corona was doing. ‘I’m going to cause a massive public health crisis!’ ‘Well, then we’re going to cause a massive economic and housing crisis!’ ‘Damn, you guys are cold.’”

o   This launched us into the meat of the story, looking at how, even without a pandemic, Black people are at a huge pandemic when it comes to home ownership.

o   Disgusting – “The home ownership gap is worse for Black people now than it was in segregation, which is insane! I never thought a Black guy could be able to say, ‘Ah, Jim Crow! Those were the good old days.’”

o   I loved Trevor clapping back at how the government once described redlined neighborhoods – “But seriously, do you know how f**ked-up it is to describe those neighborhoods as ‘infiltrated by Negroes’? That’s where Black people live! But they made it sound like Black people were breaking and entering into their own houses.”

o   These stories always come with harrowing statistics – a Black person earning $100,000 is more likely to be put into a subprime loan than a white person earning $35,000.

o   Because this cuts both ways, with Black sellers finding their homes devalued, Roy offered his “house whitification” services – “I’ll make your house look so white, they’ll think Wes Anderson lives in this bitch!”

·        Interview – Author Britt Bennett

o   In discussing Bennett’s new book The Vanishing Half, Trevor acknowledged how it defied his expectations by being a Jim Crow-era story that stayed more within the Black community instead of focusing on interracial relations – Bennett replied, “I wanted to write a story about these nuances within a Black community. I think sometimes we have a tendency to think that the more interesting story is conflict between Black and white people, but for me, really, I’ve always said the most interesting thing to happen to Black people is not necessarily white people.”

o   The book is about two sisters, one of whom passes for white, and as a mixed person who grew up under apartheid in South Africa, Trevor liked how Bennett’s novel gave her a unique lens through which to examine that system – he asked, “Is it interesting to rewrite this ridiculous thing that was created and then try to understand the rules through the eyes of these characters?”

o   I liked these musings from Bennett – “What does it mean for these characters to be Black, to be white? To what degree are they performing race? And how are they creating or sort of deconstructing themselves?”

·        Interview – Actor Michael J. Fox

o   Fox was also there to talk about a book, a new memoir he’s written – its subheading, “An Optimist Considers Mortality,” caught my eye.

o   In the interview (and in the book, it seems,) Fox was frank about his struggles with Parkinson’s, admitting that he thinks he may have previously “commodified hope” but now allow himself to be a little more open about his dark days.

Thursday, December 3

·        Pandemic News – Former president band together to promote the vaccination, politicians go against their own coronavirus guidelines

o   Given the subset of American resistance to mask-wearing, Trevor wasn’t convinced that people would be sold on the vaccine – “It’s sort of like a mask that hurts.”

o   Hence the former presidents stepping in, volunteering to get vaccinated on camera – I laughed at the bit about a Secret Service agent, hearing the word “shot,” leaps in front of the former presidents and winds up getting vaccinated in their place.

·        Ray of Sunshine – China sends an unmanned craft to the moon, the UN no longer labels cannabis a schedule 4 drug, Drake releases scented candles, Queen Elizabeth needs a new personal assistant

o   Trevor found it suspect that China’s moon mission is happening now, when they’re receiving international scrutiny about possible COVID coverups early in the pandemic – “Oh, I would love to answer your questions, but I have to go get rocks on the mooooon!”

o   Trevor applauded the UN for reclassifying marijuana and argued that no one needs weed more than world leaders, asking whether Israel and Palestine would still hate each other if they sat down and smoked a joint together – “Probably yes, but would they want to get off the couch to do anything about it?”

o   Great bit about the queen dithering over how much to pay her new personal assistant – “I wish we could pay you more, but money’s tight right now.” “Uh, your diamond-covered crown is crooked, your majesty.” “Oh sorry, it’s because of all the diamonds.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Trump’s potential pardons

o   Desi contested Trevor’s suggestion that “pre-emptive” pardons for Trump’s children would be admissions of their guilt, insisting that it merely made them “pre-criminals.”

·        Fake Trailer – Election Day

o   A play on Groundhog Day, going off the idea that, by repeatedly losing his legal challenges to the election results, Trump is losing the election “over and over and over.”

o   I laughed at, “From the people who brought you I’ll Release My Taxes When the Audit is Finished and I’ll Release My Taxes in Two Weeks…”

·        Correspondent Piece (Roy) – 2020 streaming hits

o   2020 has made everyone paranoid – “If I’m being honest, I’m a little suspicious of all these [new streaming} companies dropping during the same year we had a pandemic. You telling me y’all had nothing to do with corona?”

o   Funny joke about going to the genius bar to complain about Apple+ content – “Yes, I got this show from Apple+. It’s gotta Steve Carell, but he’s sad! And that’s not how I like my Steve Carell. Can you get him back to Anchorman status?”

o   Ha! – “I was watching Hamilton on TV and I didn’t get the real, full live experience like I would on Broadway, so I just threw $900 out the window when the movie ended so I could know what it felt like.”

·        Interview – Rapper Ludacris

o   Ludacris and Trevor swapped stories about needing to get more sun as light-skinned men, and Trevor shared a great bit about his first winter in New York – “And then on the show, my makeup artist was like, ‘Man, you’ve gotta start standing outside or I’m gonna start using white people makeup on you.’”

o   Ludacris was there to promote his new educational initiative KidNation. In talking abut collaborating with kids to make some of the content, he said, “We have to listen to kids a lot more. They have this innocence and this candidness about themselves and they just shoot you straight. They tell you about love, they can reteach you.”

o   He did think it was amusing that here he was giving kids a ‘safe” destination on the Internet, considering his explicit music career – “I’m almost balancing my karma from all the adult content I made before.”

o   He also talked about his new movie The Ride, about a Black family who takes in a child who was raised under white supremacy – “This movie is all about second chances. I think, if you can be taught to hate, then you can be taught to love.”

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