* * *
What
You Should Do If Someone Tells You They’re Asexual
Right
off the bat,
Assume
that “asexual” means
Their
plumbing is missing
Or
mangled
Or
otherwise non-functioning.
If
you’re up to it,
A few
binary fission jokes
Wouldn’t
be amiss
At this
stage.
Wait to
really dig in.
Hold
off until they tell you
That
“asexual”
Simply
means they’re not interested in sex –
With
men, with women, etcetera.
Now
it’s time to get things started.
If you
possibly can,
Gawk
As if
you just saw Frankenstein’s monster
Doing
the cha-cha
With
Jimmy Carter.
Once
that’s taken care of,
Insist
that this can’t be true.
Adulthood
be damned,
They’re
clearly a late bloomer
And
just haven’t met
The
right person yet.
Argue
that they won’t know
Until
they’ve tried it,
And
when they point out
That
you, presumably,
Knew
you wanted sex
A fair
sight before you had it,
Say
that it’s different,
But
don’t explain why.
Suggest
they’re repressed,
Or
scared of commitment,
Or so
far in the closet
They’re
halfway to Narnia.
Failing
that,
Simply,
sweetly,
Assure
them that they’re broken,
But not
hopelessly so,
And
that drugs, surgery,
Or
psychotherapy
Could
fix them up in a jiff.
If,
despite all your best efforts,
They
stubbornly hold
That
they are who they say,
Then
crank up the pity
Two
notches beyond eleven.
In your
best serious tone,
Remind
them
Of
everything they’ll miss out on,
And
don’t forget to imply
That
they’ll never find anyone
Who’s
willing to love them like that.
In all
you do,
Make
sure they feel deficient.
Ideally,
Before
you go,
Try to
overhear a sexist, racist,
Or
homophobic comment
From a
passerby,
So
that, as you walk away,
You’ll
be able to grumble to yourself
About
“how insensitive some people can be.”
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