News Satire Roundup: May 12th-May 16th

Sunday, May 12

·        Recap of the Week – Eurovision, U.K. deportation plan

o   Great line – “Kristi Noem cut short her book tour, allowing her more time at home, which should be a concern to any of her remaining pets.”

o   John’s favorite contest on Eurovision was Finland’s “Windows 95 Guy,” who put on quite the spectacle – “I don’t know what the other contestants were like, but I highly doubt they had jean shorts descending from the ceiling, followed by this.” We watched a clip of the (pantless) Windows 95 Guy donning the shorts, then dancing around as sparklers shot out of them.

o   Rishi Sunak claimed that his plan to deport migrants to Rwanda will save the U.K. huge amounts of money – “Far be it for me to question the keen financial acumen of a man who earned his gigantic fortune through marriage.”

o   In truth, though, the cost of sending one migrant to Rwanda would cover a year of schooling for 233 children.

o   Excellent point – “Okay, a few things there: you’re not sending people ‘back to Rwanda’ if that’s not where they’re from in the first place.”

o   As usual, these cruel policies rarely have the desired effect of “deterring” migrants – “Asylum seekers tend to flee their country out of necessity. I don’t think they’re coming to the U.K. for its beautiful weather or tantalizing cuisine.”

·        And Now This – The Men of Local News are Ready for Mother’s Day

o   One anchor confidently stated that he’d tell his wife, “I’m okay with you getting the top gift on your list right now” – When his co-anchor asked, “Which is what?”, he replied, “I don’t even know.”

o   Another anchor pushed the idea of giving his wife a homemade card – “I’m not even kidding you, I bet that would be meaningful.”

·        Main Story – Opioid settlements

o   John side eyed the Sacklers’ claims that agreeing to pay billions of dollars in settlements doesn’t mean they bear any guilt in the opioid crisis – “Oh, it wasn’t an admission of guilt, was it? That makes sense. $26 billion is exactly how much you pay when you’re not guilty of anything. Who among us hasn’t surrendered the entire GDP of Iceland just ‘cause?”

o   Various structures and deals had been put in place that will prevent further opioid settlements against Big Pharma – “So when it comes to restitution, this is basically all the blood money we’re getting, making it feel especially important that we spend it well.”

o   We looked at an example of how not to do it – When tobacco companies were forced to pay a large settlement, there was little regulation in how states could spend the money. Far from using it for smoking prevention or cancer treatment, North Carolina used part of their share to fund a massive tobacco processing factory.

o   Loved this – “First, shoutout to the states promising to report how they spend ‘some’ of the money. I’m not sure that’s much better than not reporting it at all. ‘Oh, don’t worry, we’ll report on every dollar that doesn’t go into our mysterious money hole.”

o   Plenty of politicians are out here looking for loopholes to allow them to funnel their settlement money back into their state’s budget for general use – “It turns out it’s a lot less entertaining to watch someone trying to launder millions in drug money when it’s not Brian Cranston who’s doing it!”

o   We met an activist who’s had no luck securing state funding for her outreach program, which gives out Narcan and clean needles – “That seems like a pretty good use of settlement money. Honestly, all other options tend to pale in comparison to, ‘If people don’t get the stuff I’m handing out right now, they’ll fucking die!’”

o   Despite no evidence of reducing opioid abuse through increased policing, “in some place, sending opioid money to police is actually mandatory. Louisiana decided to allocate 20% of its funds directly to sheriffs, with no obligation to report how they spend any of it.”

o   Some of that money for police has gone to fancy, frivolous gadgets, like a special flashlight that’s supposed to identify the presence of fentanyl on sight – “For the ten thousandth time, it is all but impossible for a cop to just encounter fentanyl in the field and overdose. To quote one expert, ‘There has never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been a confirmed case’ of that happening. That is two more ‘never evers’ than Taylor Swift uses for getting back together, so you know they’re not fucking around!”

·        And Now This – People on TV Share Heartwarming Memories of Their Mothers

o   I laughed at the guy whose mother would smoke in the car and fire off commands like, “Don’t be cheap!”

o   Another news anchor reminisced about her mother demanding five minutes of peace and quiet – “Like, she would go and hide in the bathroom!”

 

 

Monday, May 13

·        Headlines – Robert Menendez trial

o   When Jon brought up Robert Menendez’s corruption trial, the audience started booing – “My God, Menendez turned heel!”

o   Jon attempted to argue that those gold bars might have nothing to do with Menendez, at which point we of course heard about Menendez googing, “How much is one kilo of gold worth?” – “Damn you, metric system! I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your base ten system of measurements and weights!”

o   His lawyers tried to argue that the colossal amount of cash/gold hidden in Menendez’s house were due to family history and trauma – “These are simply my emotional support gold bars.”

o   I liked Jon’s reaction to the news that Menendez may try to pin the blame on his wife – “Yes, it’s those three magic words every woman is dying to hear: ‘It was her! She did it!’”

o   Jon pointed out that Menendez’s problem was that he was simply doing too much – “You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so f**king lucrative!”

o   The rest of the piece was devoted to examples of just that, like folks in Congress trading individual stocks in ways that seem suspiciously based on insider government knowledge – When one congressperson sold their Boeing shares after reading a damning report in a committee, Jon pointed out, “You see, the rest of us only find out about Boeing’s problems as we’re being suck out of the fuselage mid-flight.”

o   Nancy Pelosi argued that members of Congress have every right to trade individual stocks, because the U.S. has a free market – “Here’s the thing. In a free market, everyone has access to the same information. So unless you’re gonna put all of us on the committees, I don’t get it.”

o   After watching clips of a bunch of politicians evading questions about unethical/corrupt actions, we saw Hunter Biden admit in an interview that he probably wouldn’t have gotten on the board of Burisma were it not for his last name – “Out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricated and wouldn’t answer any f**king questions, you know you’re in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the ex-crackhead.”

·        Interview – Actress/writer Ilana Glazer

o   Glazer was promoting her new film Babes.

o   She made Jon a little twitchy when she talked about navigating “top titties” in scenes where she hugged her friend and co-star Michelle Buteau – After laughing at his reaction, she pointed out, “To be honest, like, this is how women talk.”

o   This was an interesting comment from Glazer – “As we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldn’t believe that these things haven’t been covered in film.”

 

 

Tuesday, May 14

·        Headlines – Trump surrogates speak outside trial, NYC and Dublin Portal, OpenAI’s Omni system

o   We had Desi for the rest of the week!

o   I loved Desi’s description of the GOP politicians speaking outside Trump’s hush money trial – “It’s like the Met Gala for people who don’t believe in women’s rights.”

o   The livestreaming “portal” between New York City and Dublin immediately devolved into insults and mooning – After mourning the loss of a chance to build real connections between the two cities, Desi said, “Also, you think you’re winning, Dublin? New York has barely begun to fight! This is a city built on treating the Irish like shit!”

o   Desi saw right through OpenAI’s flirty new chatbot Omni – “You can really tell that a man built this tech. She’s like, ‘I have all the information in the world, but I don’t know anything! Teach me, Daddy!’”

o   In an amusing bit, Desi tried to stop Josh from falling for Omni’s tricks, saying, “Josh, this is AI, okay? It has the entire internet already. It knows everything about superhero movies” – In response, Omni added, “But for just $19.99 a month, Omni Premium will let Josh explain to me who’s the best Batman!”

o   When Ronny started vying for Omni’s affections too, she said, “Boys, don’t fight! How ‘bout this: whoever has the best social security number can go first?”

·        Daily Show-ography – Eric Adams

o   I chuckled at the subtitle for Adams: Philosopher King of New York – As it turned out, Adams has compared himself to Gandhi.

o   When the show talked about Adams’ Stop the Sag campaign to get teen boys to pull up their pants, they cut to a clip of Steve Urkel.

o   During his tenure in one political position, Adams was known for sleeping in his office, “a commitment to both his job and avoiding New York rents.”

o   It was noticed that these days, Adams is committed chiefly to going to the club – As he put it himself, “When the mayor has swagger, the city has swagger.”

·        Interview – Author/filmmaker Miranda July

o   I loved what Desi had to say about her experience reading July’s new book All Fours – “Then I got to that point in the book where I only had, like, 20 pages left, and I started to panic that it was almost over. So I saved the rest for Mother’s Day, and I locked myself in the bathroom for some alone time so I could enjoy the rest of your book.”

o   July summed up the book like this – “The book is really for every woman who’s aging and has secret desires, and anxieties about those desires, and is wondering what’s going on with her body and her marriage, and just her whole self.”

o   This was a great observation from Desi – “You really made this a coming-of-age story, and it made me wonder, like, why do all coming-of-age stories have to be about teenagers? Why can’t a coming-of-age story be about a woman in the middle of her life?”

o   July responded by talking about all the books, movies, and love songs that center around teenagers, with the unspoken acknowledgement that the hormonal changes of puberty make these experiences electrifying and magical – She continued, “There’s also a hormonal change that happens at this time of life, but no story. What is the love story about now?”

Wednesday, May 15

·        Headlines – King Charles’ portrait, Biden challenges Trump to debates

o   I laughed at Desi’s reaction to King Charles’ intensely red, bloody-looking portrait – “Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons!”

o   Ha! – “I gotta admit, there was part of me that thought Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump. Because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking, and thinking, and standing, but woo! The way that he powered through that 14-second video makes me think that he’s got this!”

o   Trump’s Truth Social response to Biden’s debate challenge included the line, “Let’s get ready to rumble” – Desi threw in some dramatically-intoned pop culture lines as well, including, “I see dead people,” and “On Wednesdays, we wear pink.”

o   Michael was interested in the debates less for policy questions and more for Biden and Trump demonstrating whether they’re physically/mentally fit to be president – “For example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy while following this finger with their eyes.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Ronny & Jordan) – Sports War

o   The gimmick of this piece was that Ronny and Jordan compulsively disagreed about everything, and every bit eventually devolved into insulting each other.

o   Ronny wasn’t impressed with Caitlin Clark’s WNBA debut – “She’s tall, she’s white, and she didn’t show up when it mattered. She’s the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.”

o   There’s concerns that the Seine won’t be in good shape for swimming events at the Paris Olympics due to high levels of e. coli. As they argued about it, Ronny told Jordan, “Well, I puke just looking at your oblong face,” pronouncing it like “oh-blong” – Jordan just responded, “‘Oh-blong?’ Is that right? Is that how you say it?”

o   When it came to NFL player Harrison Butker’s toxic commencement speech, Ronny said, “I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? They’re the football players with the least amount of brain damage.”

·        Interview – Actress Amy Ryan

o   Doubt, Sugar

o   It was wild to learn that Ryan stepped into her now Tony-nominated role in Doubt with only a week’s notice – Wow!

o   In talking about her Apple TV show Sugar, Ryan admitted she doesn’t normally go for film noir – “This show spins it a bit. I mean, I know my character’s kind of the classic femme fatale, but we pulled away from, you know, the woman in distress and became just a strong friendship. Which you don’t see between a male character and a female character—you assume they’re going to, you know, end up rolling in bed in the first episode.”

o   Desi told Ryan, “You deserve an Emmy for the restraint it took to not jump on Colin Farrell’s bones. I don’t think if I could do the same” – She answered, “I’m a pro.”

Thursday, May 16

·        Headlines – Michael Cohen cross-examination in Trump hush money trial, Bob Menendez corruption trial, two Virginia schools restore Confederate names

o   I liked this line – “His testimony directly ties Trump to the falsification of business records, which, remember, is the actual crime here. The ‘porn star hush money’ part is just a little thing we keep saying ‘cause it’s fun!”

o   Part of the cross-examination involved Trump’s lawyers asking Cohen to confirm different insulting things he’s said about Trump – “Damn, Trump is just sitting there while his own lawyer roasts him! ‘And did you also call the president Mr. Bitch-Tits? Yes? How about Resting Ball-Sack Face? That’s a good one! Commander-in-Cheesedick. You never said that one, but you could, is that true?’”

o   Loved it! – “So Bob Menendez’s argument is that his wife was secretly orchestrating a corrupt international bribery scheme and hoarding gold bars in his own house, and he never knew it. And that, gentlemen, is why you need to ask your wife about her day, okay?”

o   Desi was confused by Menendez’s lawyers pointing to his wife’s Lebanese heritage as proof that she was the one responsible for the gold bars – “[This] is a stereotype I did not even know existed. Like, doesn’t every culture like gold? No one’s ever like, ‘Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your gold bars. My parents are Canadian.’”

o   She had no patience for Virginia schools reinstating the Confederate names they’d dropped during the Black Lives Matter protests of 2020 – “If you wanna honor white people, why can’t you at least pick white people that everybody likes? What about Paul Rudd High or Dolly Parton Elementary? Hey, we’ll even be happy with white people who are just ‘meh.’ Like, how is graduating from Justin Long High? Eh, it was fine. It wasn’t great, but it was fine.”

o   Josh, however, thought changing the names back would be all right – “Have you seen the guys who are arguing for the name change? Look at ‘em! They look like they just lost the Civil War, like this morning!”

o   Another great line from Josh – “Plus, if you’re a middle-aged man trying to un-rename your old high school, you don’t have much.”

o   Desi argued, “But they have to accept that the culture has changed – Josh responded, “Yeah sure, but the culture has changed, whether they accept it or not. I mean, these people are living in a time where all the best musicians are Black, all the best athletes are Black, the only living president with a functioning brain is Black! What Black people do is literally called ‘the culture,’ all right? The only place these guys feel like they’re winning is the first half of a civil rights movement.”

o   He thought schools named after Confederate generals was “just racist enough” to distract racists and keep them from meddling in more substantial matters – “For example, while they were fighting over a Black Little Mermaid, I was able to slip into a bank and get a mortgage.”

·        Fake Ad – Joe Biden’s Build Bods Better

o   I loved Desi’s surprise at how quickly Trump agreed to Biden’s debate terms – “He jumped at the offer like it was a plea deal with no jail time.”

o   However, both Republicans and Democrats have expressed doubt that this is a good move, with Nancy Pelosi saying she certainly wouldn’t recommend debating Trump – Desi said, “Listen up, Mr. President, when you get advice from Nancy Pelosi, you take it. That’s what I always tell my stockbroker.”

o   As Democrats ponder how Biden might perform at a debate, that led into the fake ad for Michael’s new exercise video – “The science is simple: when exposed to the stress of watching Joe Biden trying to get through a sentence, the body naturally tightens muscles in its core, legs, back, and brain. Which burns calories, tones your body, and leaves you feeling totally and utterly exhausted!”

·        Interview – Author/farmer Helen Rebanks & actor/farmhand Nick Offerman

o   Desi brought up Offerman’s acting, woodworking, and now farmwork, saying, “I think it’s safe to say that you are officially a renaissance man” – He replied, “I’ll take ‘competent.’”

o   Rebanks, who describes a day in the life of working on her family farm in her book Farmer’s Wife, had this to say – “I love it. I love it from morning ‘til night. It’s a completely, sort of immersive thing to be on a farm. You respond to the weather, the livestock, the kids, whatever needs doing. And I wrote the book to celebrate the people that do that daily, kind of mundane work, really. But to me, it’s really important.”

o   Offerman talked about the pleasure he takes in working as a farmhand on Rebanks’ farm – “It’s like really a really good book, where suddenly the way they live is like a work of art. And you can curate it, and it never has to involve shopping for anything online or going to the mall. But instead, it’s just, ‘How good are your Yorkshire puddings?’ Suddenly, it’s like, why aren’t we all living like this?”

News Satire Roundup: March 31st-April 4th

Sunday, March 31

·        Recap of the Week – “LEGO head mugshots,” Trump publicly trades Truth Social

o   Great summation of right-wing news outlets linking everything and everything to the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse – “Are these two events related? Experts say ‘no,’ but if given enough time, morons can find the path to ‘maybe.’”

o   A police department got hit with a cease-and-desist after posting people’s mugshots with LEGO heads superimposed over their faces. One officer said they did it to increase their engagement on the department’s socials – “But that’s not the police’s job at all! There is a reason they have mottos like ‘To Protect and Serve’ and not ‘To Protect, Serve, and Get to 1,000,000 Followers—Please Hit Like and Subscribe.’”

o   Spot-on description of Trump hawking his latest grifts – “That is a man who talks nonstop about how he’s one of the richest men on Earth, begging strangers for money in a hostage video that looks like it was filmed in a house haunted by the world’s tackiest ghosts.”

o   After discussing Trump sneakers, John pulled a, “And the reason I know that is—”, lifting his foot up from behind the desk – When he was clearly not wearing Trump sneakers, he added,  “—No way, I’m not a fucking idiot!”

o   Loved this line about Truth Social’s branding – “And ads are called ‘sponsored truths,’ which is just a deeply dystopian phrase. It sounds like something that George Orwell typed into the first draft of 1984 before thinking, ‘That’s a little on-the-nose.’”

o   The huge spike in Truth Social’s value when it hit the market has been compared to the GameStop movement from a few years ago – “But the GameStop movement was at least nominally about wresting financial power away from shitty rich assholes and restoring it to the little guy. Whereas this movement is about funneling the little guy’s money directly to the shittiest rich asshole there is!”

o   Why yes, there was a MAGA supporter who hyped up Truth Social with an image of an erection that was also a bald eagle – “Truth Social is kind of like a penis, in that a lot of sad men on the internet spend their time lying about how big it is and what it can do for you.”

o   Excellent point – “This year more than ever, everything Trump does is going to be a cash grab. This year has brought one of the few times he’s actually been asked to pay the price for his actions, but already, he’s got other people footing the bill.”

·        And Now This – Garth Brooks’ Facebook Videos are a Portrait of a Very Strange Man

o   Lots of odd little videos – The strangest one for me was the shot of Brooks sitting beside the Target dog with a Target-branded guitar(?)

·        Main Story – Food delivery apps

o   The introduction involved an ad starring a lot of anthropomorphized produced and featuring the tagline, “Introducing the bottom-friendly menu from Postmates!” – “By the way, it is good to see the peach from Call Me by Your Name staying booked and busy. Gay parts should go to gay actors!”

o   While the biggest food delivery app predated COVID, they exploded in popularity at the start of the pandemic – “These apps basically had the kind of pandemic-era rise that Skype absolutely thought they were in for. And what the hell happened, Skype? You had it and you lost it! We used to use ‘Skype’ as a verb ‘to video call someone.’ You know what it means now? ‘To completely fuck up the easiest opportunity imaginable.’”

o   We looked at a 2020 ad from one delivery service about how it was up to us to “save” our favorite restaurants during these unprecedented times – “Wow, that hits all the hallmarks of every pandemic-era ad! Soft twinkly piano music? Check. An eclectic cross-section of races, ages, ethnicities, and genders? Check. A vague threat that if you don’t participate in capitalism the things we hold near and dear will be destroyed? Checkity check!”

o   This bit about the old days of food delivery made me laugh – “And then—trigger warning for anyone under 30—you’d make a phone call to a restaurant.”

o   But of course, there are numerous ways that apps like GrubHub and DoorDash are disadvantaging the restaurants they deliver for – Their fees/commissions can cost restaurants up to half of their earnings on an order.

o   Not to mention the exploitation faced by drivers – “The truth is, for many of those engaged in gig work, it’s not a side job for them. It’s their main source of income. And that can be a real problem when you realize that delivery apps classify their workers as independent contractors.”

o   Food delivery apps have drivers traveling unreasonable distances, sometimes in dangerous conditions – After looking at a clip of a delivery worker trying to bike through flood waters, John said, “By the way, don’t do that! If you see a flash flood warning pop up on your phone and immediately open Grubhub, sorry! You don’t get to go to Heaven. That was the test, and you failed it.”

o   John pointed out that, now that food delivery apps have undercut existing markets with unsustainably low prices, they’ve reached the consolidation phase that often prefaces jacking up prices once the competition is gone – “Grubhub and DoorDash alone comprise more than 20 companies that once competed with one another.”

o   One man called food delivery apps a “millennial lifestyle subsidy” – John said, “Personally, I find it a little hard to get mad at millennials getting some sort of subsidy in life. After all, this is a group who will never be able to afford a house, is drowning in student debt, and can’t even enjoy Harry Potter anymore! You can’t spell ‘millennial’ without three massive L’s.”

·        And Now This – Stuart Varney’s Favorite Person is Exactly Who You Think It Is

o   Yep, I guessed it correctly, though it was impressive just how doe-eyed Varney’s praise was – I laughed out loud at him sighing, “Oh, if only Lady Thatcher was still around!”

o   One guest mentioned that Thatcher was “was one tough negotiator,” and Varney immediately responded, “Wasn’t she just? What a lady!”

 

Monday, April 1

·        Headlines – News reacts to violent Trump repost video, the future of AI

o   After Trump reposted a video of a truck airbrushed to look like Biden was hogtied in the back of the pickup, John wasn’t impressed with news outlets opting not to air the “disturbing” footage – “Aren’t you the same networks that show reruns of 9/11 every year?”

o   This led into the larger story on AI – We heard views on it from tech companies, including Google’s Sundar Pichai, who said, “AI is the most profound technology that society is working on, more profound than fire or electricity.”

o   While the tech entrepreneurs have sold the limitless possibilities for AI to solve humanity’s crises, right now it does a lot of novelty tricks, like announcing when toast is ready – “See, here’s the thing: toast, I can make. I can make toast! It might be the only technology we have that works pretty much every time. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you get to work on curing the diseases and the climate change, and we’ll hold down the fort on toast.”

o   Of course, despite “reassurances” that AI is a tool for workers that doesn’t replice human labor, many corporations are prepared to do exactly that – “So AI can curse diseases and solve climate change, but that’s not exactly what companies are going to be using it for, are they?”

o   John had a visceral reaction to one tech bro’s description of AI’s potential for increased productivity with fewer employees – “‘Without the tax of more people’? Ah, the people tax! Formerly referred to as employees.”

o   Good line – “This is some shit you’ve got going here. AI models have hoovered up the entire sum of the human experience, that we’ve accomplished over thousands of years. And now we just hand it off to be their ‘prompt engineers’?”

o   A quick montage showed us that Congress is unlikely to save it, given that many of them have little to no understanding of AI – As Sen. John Kennedy put it, “The short answer is no. The long answer is hell, no.”

o   John noted that, at this point, we’re well accustomed to the promise that workers who’ve been “innovated” out of their industries can simply retrain and get better jobs – “That’s the game. Whether it’s globalization or industrialization, or now artificial intelligence, the way of life that you are accustomed to is no match for the promise of more profits and new markets.”

·        Interview – FTC chair Lina Khan

o   Khan succinctly laid out the FTC’s mission – “We want to make sure that the American public is not getting or coerced in the marketplace or tricked, and so we enforce the nation’s antitrust and consumer protection laws.”

o   This was also an excellent explanation – “We really focus on, how are companies behaving? Are they behaving in ways that could harm their customers, harm their suppliers, harm their workers, and get away with it? And that type of ‘too big to care’-type approach is really what ends up signaling that a company has monopoly power, because they can start mistreating you, but they know you’re stuck.”

o   John got a read on how/why corporations do things that they know violate these laws – “Is their game, ‘We’re gonna see how far we can push this and get away with it, and do these different things, in the hopes that we don’t run up against an entrepreneurial or crafty FTC’? Are they waiting you out?”

o   They also talked about how monopolies can lead to product shortages and brought recent real-life examples such as baby formula and Adderall – Khan laughed when Jon mentioned Adderall, and at the audience’s reaction, he joked, “I see the audience has no use for baby formula, but has an interesting predilection….” This was kind of crummy, since ADHDers have been talking about how debilitating the Adderall shortage is, and in particular, that government agencies don’t seem motivated to do anything about it.

 

Tuesday, April 2

·        Headlines – Truth Social stock tanks, Florida Supreme Court rules on six-week abortion ban, NCAA women’s tournament

o   Desi was our Tuesday-Thursday host this week.

o   When Truth Social first went public, its value immediately soared to around $8 billion, “which seems like a lot for a website whose business model is, ‘What if Twitter was just Nazis?’”

o   This made me smile – “At this point, it just seems like Trump is trying to be in every section of the newspaper: finance, politics, style,” (a.k.a. his gold Trump sneakers,) “city crime. It’s only a matter of time until he drops a theatre review. ‘Just saw Wicked, total witch hunt!’”

o   Desi found it confusing that the Florida Supreme Court upheld the state’s six-week abortion ban while also allowing citizens to vote on it this coming November – “These are some crazy mood swings. You’d better hope you’re not pregnant!”

o   She was glad that Florida voters will have a chance to reverse the ban but angry that our country is in a position where they should have to – “I don’t know whether I’m happy or not. I feel like Ron DeSantis’s face.”

o   Great observation – “It feels like women’s basketball is having a moment this year, and you can tell because of how much the media can’t stop talking about how they’re talking about it.”

o   Hee! – “That’s right, people are excited about women’s basketball right now. They’re discovering it like it’s the first time your mom tried sushi.”

o   In a recent round of NCAA women’s games, it was discovered that the three-point line was several inches closer to the hoop than regulation, but the teams went ahead and played so as not to postpone the games – “I really relate to this as a woman. It is so classic for someone else to fuck up, and we’re like, ‘Oh, the line is messed up? It’s fine! We’ll just go ahead and play four games. You can fix it later. Or not! I’m sorry!’”

o   Josh reported on this three-point line error – “Well, Desi, I talked to the director of court maintenance who made the mistake, as well as several other men who were just around, and we all agree that your length being a few inches shorter than everyone was expecting is no big deal. No story here! Back to you.”

o   He got a little defensive when Desi pointed out that women can really tell when a line is too short – “It’s not about the length of the line, it’s about how you play the game, okay?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Michael) – “Ghost” license plate covers

o   “Ghost plates” are when people partially obscure their license plate to avoid detection by traffic cameras – Michael spoke to a guy who’s made it his mission to go around and remove these obstructions so people will get ticketed.

o   When Michael asked why the police aren’t doing more to crack down on ghost plates, the man replied, “The vast majority of the people I’ve caught defacing or cover their plates are cops or firefighters or court officers.”

o   As Michael followed the guy on his rounds, he remarked, “In ways to actually get shit done and actually get people to respond to you, you have to be f**king annoying.”

·        Interview – Rep. Colin Alldred

o   Alldred is running against Ted Cruz for U.S. Senate in Texas.

o   When Desi asked him about Cruz’s most “embarrassing” moment, Alldred had some good examples – “There’s the antics, you know? Right, like there’s reading Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor while you’re trying to take healthcare away from 40 million people. There’s stuff like that. There’s the fact that he podcasts three times a week, which is a lot for a sitting United States senator.”

o   Abortion rights are an important issue for his campaign – After talking about accompanying his wife to doctor’s appointments during her pregnancy, he said, “You know, those rooms where you’re having those conversations with your doctor, they’re too small to have somebody like Ted Cruz in there with you.”

o   Alldred has a background as a voting rights lawyer – “To me, there’s nothing more important than getting Texans and our fellow Americans engaged in our democracy. And in Texas, we make it way too difficult to vote.”

o   Good line – “And to our young people, you wouldn’t let your grandparents pick your playlist for the next six years. Don’t let them pick your senator!”

Wednesday, April 3

·        Headlines –Transgender Day of Visibility falls on Easter Sunday

o   This story started with the obvious, that the Transgender Day of Visibility is always on March 31^st and that, because Easter moves around every year, they just so happened to fall on the same day this year – But of course, “conservatives processed this like a child meeting the Easter Bunny: by losing their f**king minds.”

o   This was a great reaction to the classic clip of Trump talking around the question of his favorite Bible verses – “Trump talks about Christianity like I sound at every book club. ‘Oh, my favorite part of the book? I’d have to say the, um, the title? And the symbolism—all the symbols! Definitely not hiding from my husband and children!’”

o   Also great – “I also like how he says, ‘I can’t talk about it, it’s too personal,’ like he also has an NDA with the Bible.”

o   Meanwhile, Jesse Watters’ outrage over the whole was undermined by the fact that he wasn’t sure whether Easter marked Jesus’ death or resurrection – “You know what, the Fox audience deserves a higher level of con artistry than this. Jesse Watters, if you can remember the green M&M’s entire sexual history, you can Wikipedia what Easter is!”

o   However, as some of the other commentary from the controversy illustrated, this was never about Easter – “They don’t think Trans Visibility Day should be moved—they don’t think trans people should be visible at all.”

·        In My Opinion (Charlamagne tha God) – DEI programs

o   Charlamagne began by hearkening back to 2020, when corporations reacted to worldwide racial justice protests by making ads that their own companies didn’t live up to – “That’s right, the board of Nike was so white, they were all wearing New Balance!”

o   We were treated to a montage of right-wing figures sneering about Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion programs and making up their own versions of the acronym – I thought the worst was, “DEI stands for Didn’t Earn It.”

o   But for all the outrage, Charlamagne pointed out that these programs do little to actually change things at a company – “DEI training is like DARE for racism, and you all know how effective that was. I was sitting there going, ‘Oh shit, there’s a ton of fun drugs I should try! I didn’t even know about molly—thanks, Officer John!’”

o   Charlamagne also noted that having a DEI program can be a mitigating factor when corporations are sued for racial discrimination – “It’s the ‘I have a Black friend’ of the legal system!”

·        Interview – Actress Alison Brie

o   Brie was there to talk about her new series Apples Never Fall – Her character is described in the show as “an emotional chaos sinkhole,” which is just objectively awesome.

o   Nice observation – “I also think, because she’s a bit of a catastrophist, she tends to get all her mess out early on. Other characters continue to be surprised, and she’s like, ‘Eh, I’ve been there, I’m evolving now.’”

Thursday, April 4

·        Headlines – New York City Marathon, Trump pushes for change to Nebraska’s electoral votes, solar eclipse

o   Desi was on board with the marathon runners having to pay the city back for the lost tolls due to closing the bridge for the race – “In fact, they should pay every time they tell us they ran the marathon! Yeah, we know! It was three days ago, you can take off the silver blanket.”

o   Oof, relatable – “Let’s move onto the presidential race. It’s the reason your therapist drives a Porsche.”

o   Trump is pushing for Nebraska to switch its electoral votes back to the more typical winner-take-all system, instead of doling them out by district – After pointing out that this decision could cause the election to end in an electoral tie, Desi said, “And you might be wondering, what happens in that case? Well, it’s simple, really. Have you ever seen The Purge movies? It’s like that.”

o   There’s a planned flight along the path of the total solar eclipse, so passengers can see it from the air – “Although, how cool to celebrate the once-in-a-lifetime event of a Delta flight taking off on time?”

o   We looked at money-making ventures tied to the eclipse, from astronomical hotel prices along the path to a special Dunkin’ Donuts promotion – “I love how every civilization honors the heavens in their own way. The ancient Incans built Machu Picchu, America put an Oreo on a donut.”

o   Ronny and Jordan came out to report on the anticipation for the eclipse – Ronny was surprised to receive a warm reception in Texas, saying, “It’s so nice to see America stop fighting for one day and watch the sun put on a show!”

o   However, the divisiveness came roaring back when the two started arguing over which was the main attraction, the sun or the moon – Jordan told Ronny, “The sun is not why people are putting aside their differences and coming together, dipshit. They’re watching the moon cross over the sun. Unlike you, most people don’t stare at the sun all day.”

·        Fake Ad – Trump Elementary

o   This bit came out of Trump doing a mini history lesson on Al Capone after announcing he’d been indicted more times than the infamous mobster – He said, “Alphonse, who was a tough man. They did a movie called Scarface, check it out.”

o   That led into an imagined Trump Elementary, with Trump “teaching” kids on a variety of subjects via clips from different speeches of his – For instance, the geography lesson was, “Puerto Rico is an island, sitting in the middle of the ocean. And it’s a big ocean! It’s a very big ocean.”

·        Interview – Documentarians Sebastian Junger & Ken Harbaugh

o   Junger and Harbaugh’s film, Against All Enemies, looks at efforts to recruit veterans to white nationalist militia groups.

o   Harbaugh started by emphasizing that the overwhelming majority of veterans don’t join these extremist groups – “The ones that do, in many cases do it out of a sense of needing to recapture the camaraderie and that sense of belonging that they felt in uniform. When you take the uniform off, that goes away, almost overnight. And one of the things these groups do really, really well is recreate that by giving veterans that sense of purpose and that sense of mission.”

o   Interesting observation from Junger – “The real combat veterans usually don’t have anything to prove. And I think one of the ways that the January 6^th crowd is dangerous […] I would say most of the guys on January 6^th, with the beards and the camo, the tactical pants, etc., etc., might’ve been in the military, but probably never saw combat. And I think that makes them extremely dangerous, because they have this sort of fantasy of themselves as a hero, along with probably some psych disorders, and that creates a very, very dangerous mix.”

o   Harbaugh acknowledged that America has always had extremist groups, “but you have to go back a long ways to find a period in American history where a domestic terrorist movement has the cover of a political party. That is a new situation, where you have a former president namechecking an organization [like the Proud Boys] from behind a political cover.”

o   Looking ahead to the election, Harbaugh said, “I certainly hope the person who tried to end democracy doesn’t win a second term. Even if he loses, though, I think we all know he is not going to concede.”

o   Junger added, “I can’t give a good reason why there wouldn’t be violence if Trump loses. He’s all in now, right? If he doesn’t win, he’s wide open to criminal prosecution. It’s the only thing protecting him, and it shouldn’t even be protecting him, but it seems to be for the moment. So he’s got nothing to lose.”