"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, October 29, 2022

News Satire Roundup: October 24th-October 27th

Monday, October 24

·        Headlines – Climate activists target artwork, Chinese President Xi Jinping reaffirmed for third term, Rishi Sunak becomes U.K. prime minister

o   We got an opening blurb on a public bathroom that will cost San Francisco $1.7 million – “Now, before you complain, remember, this toilet is going to be top of the line. The seat will come pre-peed on. And the graffiti on the walls will be written by George R. R. Martin.”

o   An easy art joke, but it made me smile – “First, they splashed food on a van Gogh, now a Monet. They also hit a Jackson Pollock, but no one noticed.”

o   Oh man, U.K. politics right now – “Yeah, that’s right. The U.K.’s new prime minister is former Finance Minister Rishi Sunak. And he’s Indian. He’s Hindu. And he’s only 42 years old, which means he will probably serve well into his 42 and a halves easily.”

o   I loved Trevor’s response to a British racist calling into a TV program to say that Sunak shouldn’t be prime minister – “Yeah, this guy has a good point! Can you imagine if white English people wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them? Oh, that would never happen. Can you imagine that world? What would that world be like?”

o   Great bit – “If you ask me, British racists are looking at this whole thing all wrong. This could be a good thing for you people. After 400 years, you’ll finally get to legitimately blame a Brown person for your country’s problems. You’re living your dreams!”

o   Ronny was the headline correspondent, and he referred to Sunak as “the new prime minister of the week” – valid.

o   This was a good joke from Ronny – “You mentioned America’s math scores were dropping since COVID or something, right? I mean, math scores in America were bad before COVID. How could they get any worse? Like, the question used to be, what time did a train leave the station? Now you got to explain what a f**king train is.”

o   Excellent point, about the art vandalism – “My question is, who the hell is doing museum security these days? You see people walking in with two buckets of mashed potatoes and a high-visibility vest, and you don’t think anything is going on?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – The threat of civil war

o   Jordan described the Civil War as “our country’s bitter attempt at divorce that ended with Mom and Dad back together in a state of constant resentment.”

o   When Jordan shared a statistic at a Trump rally that 43% of Americans think there will be a civil war in the next decade, an attendee in an Oath Keeper T-shirt replied, “I’m going to be perfectly straight up and honest. It’s going to happen much sooner than that.”

o   Jordan also talked with Rep. Adam Kinzinger, who said, “I think we’re closer than we’d like to think. And I used to be afraid to talk about it. Now I think it’s important for us to talk about it.”

o   Jordan assembled a focus group to discuss what it would look like today for the U.S. to split into two countries. After some back-and-forth over which states/cities would be in what country and pondering what new laws they might pass, they came to agreement on one issue – When Jordan asked, “Which side wins?”, the participants agreed that, “We all lose.”

·        Interview – Actor John David Washington

o   Trevor couldn’t help asking Washington a few questions about Tenet, including, “Do you understand the movie when you’re in the movie?” – Washington hedged, joking, “Christopher Nolan’s always watching.”

o   Washington has just made his Broadway debut in a revival of The Piano Lesson. I loved this remark from him – “I felt like the words of August Wilson would lead me to the promised land.”

o   He pointed out that he’s onstage every night opposite Samuel L. Jackson, who originated the role that Washington is now playing – talk about pressure!

o   This was a neat observation from Washington about his experience on Broadway, in relation to continually performing before a live audience – “I have more courage in trying things when I get back to film because of this experience.”

Tuesday, October 25

·        Main Story – Kari Lake

o   One of the opening blurbs involved an announcement that plastic recycling is essentially a failed endeavor – Trevor was ready to do away with single-use plastic altogether, saying, “We need to be drinking out of materials that are easier to reuse, like glass or tin, or the skulls of our enemies.”

o   I smiled at this description of Arizona – “It’s the state for people who like Texas but wish it had more scorpions and old people.”

o   I liked Trevor’s response to a campaign ad of gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake smashing TVs playing “the mainstream media” with a sledgehammer – “For the record, if you disagree with what you see on one channel, you don’t have to sledgehammer the whole TV. You can just change the channel to something different. We have that technology now.”

o   Good line – “If you’ve only been following her for this election, you might think she’s your standard right-wing Republican—you know, MAGA this, hang Mike Pence that, normal stuff.”

o   However, looking deeper at Lake’s history shows that she was a past donor to Obama campaigns and used to be close friends with a local drag queen, when she now speaks virulently against LGBTQ people as “pedophiles” and “groomers” – “Over the past few years, this seems to have happened to a lot of people. Like, everywhere, everyone has a story about this. They used to be normal, living a chilled life. But then they clicked on the wrong Facebook post, and they got sucked in by a few YouTube videos. And the next thing you know, they believe that Care Bears are actually a Democratic sex cult that’s going to penetrate your children with rainbows.”

o   Given that, as governor, it’d be up to her to certify future election results, her comments on 2020 were supremely troubling – In an interview, she said, “I believe that Biden is the president just like OJ is innocent. The system is corrupt.”

o   Great closing lines to the story – “I know you might be saying, ‘Oh, relax. Trump tried to do a coup last time and it didn’t work.’ Yeah, the only reason it didn’t work is because there were various Republicans in key positions who didn’t go along with it. But if those people get replaced by people like Kari Lake, it’s a whole different story. Because, you see, you don’t need to storm the Capitol when your friends have the keys.”

o   Roy was the headline correspondent, and his main focus was on an opening blurb about the McRib being retired for good this time – “What did the McRib do? Did it say something about Jewish people or something? I thought the McRib—the McRib is an ally!”

·        Interview – OpenAI CTO Mira Murati

o   AI art has been an interesting topic of conversation in recent months, and Murati runs a company at the forefront of that innovation – Explaining how the AI works, she said, ”We have been making images since the beginning of time, and we simply took a great deal of these images and we fed them into this AI system.”

o   Trevor asked if work on AIs constantly has her thinking about the possible implications of the technology – Murati said, “The technology that we’re building has such a huge effect on society, but also the society can and should shape it.”

o   This was an interesting sentiment about AI art – “It’s really just an extension of your imagination. There isn’t even a canvas or the boundaries of paper are not there anymore.”

·        Interview – Actor Ralph Macchio

o   Macchio was there to talk about his new memoir about his time with The Karate Kid franchise – “I walked in the shoes of this character that has been so impactful and so inspirational, aspirational, wish-fulfilling, for decades. I was the lucky guy who got the part. So I wanted to be honest about what that journey has been.”

o   He admitted that he, and a lot of folks on the production, were skeptical of Pat Morita before his audition, since he was better known for sitcoms than for kung fu – Macchio explained, “We all kind of questioned the depth and breadth of his chops.”

o   But he also described the “soulful magic” on display in Morita’s audition, along with the “instantaneous” chemistry between them as actors – While he also acknowledged the strength of the film’s writing, he insisted, “It was elevated by the two guys who were meant to play those parts.”

o   In describing how he dealt with huge early career success that also hampered future opportunities through contract commitments and typecasting, Macchio said, “I’ve always kept one foot in and one foot out of it. And therein lies, for me, the balance” – Smiling, he added, “There you go. That’s a Miyagi-ism.”

Wednesday, October 26

·        Headlines – Pennsylvania Senate debate, search-and-rescue rats, anti-cheating plan from Filipino professor

o   “that time of year when your babies are at highest risk of being kissed by Ted Cruz.”

o   “He’s basically doing that TikTok thing where you flip your hair down, and then when you come up, you act like you suddenly didn’t want to hang Mike Pence. You know that thing?”

o   “Here’s the thing. Being pro-Trump and pro-reasonable is a lot harder than you think.”

o   “I think we can all agree, there is only one politician who should have a say in your abortion, and that’s Herschel Walker, because it’s his. It’s his. It’s probably his. Ladies, check. They’re all his.”

o   “Maybe they don’t care whether Fetterman is capable of debating. Maybe voters prefer his policies. Or maybe they just want a senator who can block the door the next time it’s getting stormed by rioters. That could be very useful.”

o   “Lock the doors, let’s blow the building up. You’re gonna thank me when there’s a bunch of cute rats saving all of us.”

o   “Bet you wish you hadn’t appropriated my culture for your Chuck E. Cheese now, huh?”

o   “In a real-world situation, we want to encourage people to go with whoever has the best ideas. It’s not cheating. It’s called having an open mind, people.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – The history of Halloween

o   “Now, according to my local CVS, Halloween is a two-month festival beginning September 1, which celebrates the worst candy of all time.”

o   Samhain – “Most importantly, they disguised themselves in costumes so the dead wouldn’t recognize them. Because—trust me—no one wants to get stuck in a conversation with a ghost. They’re always like, ‘Avenge me, avenge me.’ It’s like, okay, weird, I just met you.”

o   “It’s the most expensive holiday after Christmas. And we don’t even get a PlayStation out of it, just some highly regrettable photos and a mouthful of cavities.”

·        Interview – Actor/director Elizabeth Banks

o   Call Jane

o   “I first read the script nearly three years ago. And we had the pandemic, and we finally got to make it—get Sigourney Weaver in to be this amazing activist in the film. And I think, at the time, we knew that there were what we call abortion deserts in America, which are areas where abortion was so inaccessible that basically people were living in a time that was like pre-Roe.”

o   “This film really presents the dangerous, often desperate situations that pregnant people found themselves in when they didn’t want to be pregnant.”

o   “Safety relies on legality, frankly.”

o   “It was 1968 in the movie, but it’s today in 14 states.”

o   “I think we all felt like the way to depoliticize this whole thing, which has become so politicized, is to remind people about the stories, right? These are real people’s lives that these politicians are messing with. These are real women who have hopes and dreams or already have kids, for whatever reason, are making the decision to seek out abortion health care. And regular, real women, they have fun too, you know. They laugh too.”

o   “When it happened, I felt foundationally like less of a free person than I did the day before. And so, when you live in a society where your human rights can be taken away from you, you’re kind of a second-class citizen.”

Thursday, October 27

·        Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That – Putin oversees nuclear drills, allegations of undeclared Chinese police stations around the world, Rihanna announces new single for Wakanda Forever, Elon Musk prepares for buying Twitter, Meta stock falls 20%

o   Russia’s claim is that Ukraine plans to unleash a dirty bomb on itself – “It’s so transparent. It’s like a kid going, ‘Just so you know, Mom, I heard that Ukraine is going to steal all the Halloween candy before you can hand it out next week. So if Halloween candy goes missing, you know who to blame. And, by the way, please don’t buy Raisinets. Ukraine doesn’t like those ones.”

o   Meanwhile, China’s claim is that these underground offices is has in over a dozen countries are merely for mundane paperwork stuff – “But if that’s true, why are they keeping them all secret, huh? You don’t need to be shady if you’re just doing paperwork. Yeah, the DMV lady is never like, ‘Oh, you need to renew your passport. Be at this parking lot at 0500 hours. Tell the man in the green jacket that the sun shines in November. He’ll give you a briefcase with your new passport and a gun. Use the gun to kill him. And if you don’t your picture, come back and we’ll retake it, okay?’”

o   Trevor was psyched about new music from Rihanna – “You understand how bit this is, Rihanna plus Black Panther. What?? I haven’t experienced this much Black joy since that time Obama featured on that Cardi B. track.”

o   This was a good line – “I will say, it’s interesting to see Elon go from being ‘the free speech cowboy of the West’ to pandering to the advertisers and saying, ‘Twitter will be a safe space for your advertising dollars.’”

o   After announcements that the Metaverse is losing Meta/Facebook tons of money, Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on the technology – “And I will say kudos to Mark. Kudos, Mark Zuckerberg. A lot of people have been talking about taking down big tech for a while. But he’s the only one with the balls to do it his own company. Be the change you want to see in the world!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Ronny) – Halloween

o   This was a Prove Me Wrong segment, with Ronny arguing Halloween opinions with folks on the street.

o   When someone offered up haunted houses as a reason to like Halloween, Ronny said, “I don’t like holidays where I sometimes shit my pants” – The participant was quick on her feet, and she immediately replied, “That sounds personal.”

o   I liked this reaction to a couple of people being unable to explain where Halloween came from – “You think that’s how this started? I guess not knowing your traditions is also an American tradition.”

o   I’ve gotta say, Ronny was right on this one, as a reason for why scary costumes are superior to sexy ones – “First of all, scary costumes—way warmer than sexy costumes.”

·        Interview – Actress/author Diane Kruger

o   Kruger was promoting her new children’s book, A Name from the Sky.

o   As part of the discussion, she brought up how uncommon her own name was growing up in Germany, and where she experienced the unfortunate rhyme “Deana banana” – Trevor remarked, “Even in Germany, kids are the same,” to which Kruger replied, “If not worse.”

o   Kind words from Trevor – “It’s a really wonderful book about belonging, about understanding where you come from, why you’re special, why you’re important.”

o   The book, while taking some inspiration from Kruger’s own childhood, was written expressly for her four-year-old daughter, who evidently took issue with her character was illustrated – “She hated her outfit in the book?” Trevor asked in surprise, adding, “I like your daughter. I like this already.”

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