"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, November 6, 2021

News Satire Roundup: October 31st-November 3rd

Sunday, October 31

·        Recap of the Week – Facebook changes its company name, Build Back Better bil

o   John likened the Facebook name change to the Pope announcing the Catholic church was changing its name to “Halo” in the wake of sexual abuse allegations against priests – “Don’t worry; we shipped the old name off to another parish.”

o   Great response to Mitt Romney, who argued against having a billionaire tax in the Build Back Better plan because then billionaires would use their money to “buy ranches and paintings” instead of investing it (for fear of increasing their wealth and being taxed on it) – “At the risk of stating the obvious here, billionaires already buy ranches, and paintings, and dinosaur bones they have no use for. Why? Because they have too much fucking money! There literally aren’t enough things on this planet for them to buy. That is why they’re all racing to space: whoever lands on Mars first gets it!”

·        And Now This – Local news on Halloween

o   This is a reliable And Now This every year, and this one was no exception – My favorite collection of news-anchor costumes was a trio of a Mandalorian, Pennywise, and Chucky.

·        Main Story – Homelessness

o   This problem is already bad and is poised to get worse – John pointed out that homelessness is expected to increase up to 49% over the next 4 years due to the pandemic.

o   We looked more than once at the fact that prejudice against homeless people exists in liberal cities as well as conservative ones – As one woman put it, “As your safety declines, so does your compassion.”

o   But John didn’t have a lot of time for those attitudes, in either red or blue cities – “Far too often, stories focusing on homelessness are presented solely through the lens of how it affects those with homes. But in reality, it is obviously the people without them who need the real help.”

o   We revisited Reagan’s insistence that most peole living on the streets were “homeless by choice” – “The notion that homelessness isn’t related to economic policies but simply reflects the problems of the individual’s experience in it still informs the way it’s discussed today.”

o   In response to various news stories about human excrement found on the streets near homeless encampments, John brought out of the statistics – Before the pandemic, LA had only 16 mobiles toilets available for the city’s 36,000 homeless people, and they were carted away at night for “security” reasons.

o   This was an excellent line – “It seems the impulse behind many local policies surrounding unhoused people isn’t so much to help them as to punish them for their existence and keep them out of sight.”

o   One homeless man explained that he’d spent three of the last nine years in prison due to the criminalization of his homelessness (i.e., being arrested for “trespassing” because he sat down on the sidewalk) – “In what way is that man being helped? You cannot arrest someone out of homelessness, the same way that you can’t sing someone out of bankruptcy.”

o   This was an important point – “The key problem with saying, ‘Why don’t people just go to shelters?’ is that shelters are only a stopgap solution. Because you don’t live in a shelter, you just sleep in one.”

o   John looked at supportive housing solutions and other interventions to house people, and while he acknowledged that it would require significant investment, he also noted that we’re currently paying more indirectly – One study of homeless people in Florida found that the cost of their incarceration and emergency medical care was, on average, 3 times more expensive than getting them into affordable housing would be.

o   Awesome response to a woman trying to talk around her discomfort with homeless people – “Saying, ‘I’m not a racist or a bigot,’ but also saying you have ‘a stigma against people who are different’ isn’t necessarily splitting hairs, but it is definitely segregating them.”

 

Monday, November 1

·        Main Story – Biden’s European trip

o   Good description of the Vatican – “The place Trip Advisor rated Best City to Feel Guilty for Masturbating In.”

o   After Trevor did an impression of the Pope meeting Biden, rife with fake Italian, I was charmed by this explanation – “Well you see, it seems like I speak bad Italian. But actually, the Pope is actually from Argentina. He speaks Spanish. So I’m actually doing a very good Pope impression.”

o   Great response to the G20’s… shall we say, noncommittal commitment to reducing coal emissions in their own nations – “Damn, G20. Now that is a flex. Did you hear what they said there? Basically, these leaders were like, ‘No more coal for anyone. Except us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go home and give a Pfizer booster to my pet.’”

o   Trevor questioned how much the G20 will actually accomplish on climate change if their goal is to have done something “by or around 2050” – “If somebody says to you, ‘Yeah, yeah, we should hang out sometime; what’s your schedule looking like in 2050?’, you’re never seeing that person again. I don’t care if they’re your dad. You’re never seeing them.”

o   Michael was around for this story, and he pitched his own plan to get the G20 to set concrete climate goals – “Stop having the conference in a fancy room in Glasgow and put the G20 summit inside of a California wildfire. Okay? They got… two minutes, they’ll wrap this thing up.”

·        CPTime (Roy) – Black horror movies

o   I laughed at Roy trying to summon Candyman with a mirror – “I knew he wouldn’t show up. Cheap bastard owes me $50.”

o   We looked at examples of Black horror throughout history, including Son of Ingagi, the first horror film with an all-Black cast – “The scientist in that movie is an old Black woman. It was like a scary Hidden Figures.”

o   Roy’s summation of the moral of Night of the Living Dead – “It is the living who are racist, and we should all strive to be more like the zombies, who eat the brains of any race. …Wait, is that the lesson?”

o   Even though it was a Black horror film, Roy still gave a shoutout to Rachel True and her character in The Craft – “Rochelle was a groundbreaking character for Black women in horror. She takes revenge on a racist bully at school after becoming a powerful witch, which is literally Black girl magic.”

·        Interview – Rep. Dan Crenshaw

o   This was a supersized interview, and as often happens with lawmakers, I feel like Trevor didn’t go far enough in challenging what Crenshaw was saying. That said, every noteworthy quote I found in the interview is from Trevor, not Crenshaw.

o   Trevor noted that Crenshaw has spoken against using “extreme rhetoric” and offered up saying we have “wide-open borders” is an example of that, only for Crenshaw to claim the border was wide open – Trevor replied, “Sometimes I wonder if people saying the borders are wide open is what [migrants/asulym seekers] might be hearing, and then they go like, ‘Oh, then we should go to America ‘cause they said the borders are wide open.’”

o   Crenshaw insisted that he only had an issue with “illegal immigration,” but Trevor got him to acknowledge that the U.S. has done nothing to increase legal immigration in response to this issue – “That’s one of the things I’ve been intrigued by, you know, when you talk to some of the architects of America’s original immigration policy, they have said that America hasn’t done a good job of adjusting those numbers of who comes in and how.”

o   Trevor’s expressed this kind of sentiment before, but he offered this up in response to Crenshaw’s statements on cancel culture – “I feel like there’s this weird attitude where now we have lost our ability to separate canceling from criticism, from critique, from accountability, even.”

o   They spent quite a bit of time on Critical Race Theory, mostly for Trevor to even understand what Crenshaw seemed to think “Critical Race Theory” meant – When Crenshaw repeatedly said he wasn’t against talking about slavery/Jim Crow/etc. in reference to race, Trevor asked, “So it’s just like a branding thing then? Is this like an Obamacare, Affordable Care Act situation? Is that what we’re dealing with here?”

o   Crenshaw finally came around to saying that Critical Race Theory teaches white kids that they’re evil and Black kids that they’re disempowered (no word on the existence of Latino, Asian American, or Indigenous kids) – Trevor remarked, “This goes to a certain Republican ideology […] where I feel there’s a difference, I feel, between telling somebody where they are or what things, what obstacles they may face, and victim mentality. And I think there’s a difference between the two.”

o   When Trevor asked Crenshaw about America’s lack of progress toward reducing carbon emissions, Crenshaw kept trying to point to China’s increased coal production – Eventually, Trevor just asked, “Is America going to wait for China to follow the rules before it just does the right thing?”

Tuesday, November 2

·        Headlines – Supreme Court considers Texas abortion ban, Squid cryptocurrency, SpaceX malfunctioning toilet

o   This is how Trevor summarized the Texas abortion ban’s method of allowing citizens to sue anyone who helps someone obtain an abortion – “Snitches get riches.”

o   While two of the justices Trump nominated voiced opposition to the law, it was more for the precedent it sets (Brian Kavanagh pointed out that a blue state could instill a similar law allowing citizens to sue people over gun ownership) – “Uh oh, looks like the conservative justices are gonna have to choose what they care more about: guns or fetuses?”

o   Great description of cryptcurrency – “It’s like if money got into vaping.”

o   Cryptocurrency is so easy, anyone can create their own! – “All you need is a computer and a willingness to bore your friends to death at parties.”

o   Trevor didn’t have too much sympathy for the people who got scammed with a Squid Game-inspired cryptocurrency – “Did they not see the show? Were they like, ‘Wow! These nice Squid Game people are offering me easy money! What could go wrong?’”

·        Correspondent piece (Desi) – Virginia gubernatorial election

o   Relatable – “It’s election day again and we’ve got another close race on our hands, so you’d better start clenching those butt cheeks.”

o   In an interesting twist, some people are positing that Taylor Swift fans could help the Democrat incumbent win reelection, since his opponent was affiliated with the label that bought her masters out from under her. I enjoyed this exchange about it, between Desi and a Five Thirty-Eight pollster – “Well, we don’t have any polling on different, you know, fan groups of musical artists.” “I thought you were Five Thirty-Eight. What the f**k?”

o   Desi assembled a panel of “registered Swiftie voters” from Virginia to discuss the election – While all of them were huge Swift fans, they also demonstrated that 1) Swift fans aren’t 14 anymore and 2) they follow/care about politics.

·        Court Cases

o   This was a sketch in which Roy and Desi played lawyers defending or opposing various court cases in the news (not the defendants but aspects of the cases himself,) with Trevor presiding as the judge.

o   Roy felt that January 6th rioters who insisted on representing themselves were just getting themselves in more trouble – “That one guy admitted to two extra felonies. Two extra felonies! What does he think? He think he some sort of loyalty program, where you do enough felonies and then the next one’s free?”

o   On the other hand, Roy wasn’t bothered by a juror in the Elizabeth Holmes trial playing Sudoku in court – “I want a guy in my jury who plays Sudoku. He can do that Beautiful Mind thing where he ses all the connections and discovers who the real killer is. And once we know who the real killer is, we get to go home and watch Insecure.”

o   Desi’s thoughts on a bizarre case involving Richard Gere between called as a witness against an Italian public official – “Richard Gere belongs in that courtroom. Not just because he might have been witness to migrant kidnapping, but because he played a lawyer in both Primal Fear and Chicago. He is qualified to practice law and to be doing it while tap dancing.”

·        Interview – Activist Vanessa Nakate

o   In asking the Ugandan climate activist Nakate about her work, Trevor noted, “As a fellow African, I know what it’s like to be in a place where you have to be respectful, even in your activism, because if you’re not careful, things may not go well for you.”

o   Nakate talked, not just about activism in her own country, but about how Uganda and other African nations are being ignored in the global climate conversation – the story about her attending a climate conference and being cropped out of a photo of young climate activists was just inexcusable.

o   This was a good distillation of the issue – “I think that is the horrible reality of the climate crisis. Africa is responsible for only 3% of global emissions. While we are on the front lines of the climate crisis, we are not on the front pages of the world’s newspapers.”

o   Great statement – “I think we won’t be able to have climate justice if everyone is not included. Climate justice is only justice if every community, if every voice is listened to, is amplified, especially people from the most affected areas.”

Wednesday, November 3

·        Main Story – 2021 Elections

o   Before we got into it, Trevor brought up seeing the Braves fans at the World Series and wondered why people are still doing the “tomahawk chop” in 2021 – “Also, why is it that white people never have rhythm until some racist shit?”

o   Given the hard night that Democrats had in key state race, this piece was titled “The Red Wedding.”

o   Trevor looked at the complex situation involved in Black communities that voted against Minneapolis disbanding their police force, given that Black communities experience police brutality and crime at disproportionate rates – “Even N.W.A., they didn’t want to abolish the police. Yeah, f**k the police, but you still need to have them around to f**k.”

o   This made me laugh – “It must be so hard to be a Black barber. Right? ‘Cause, like, 90% of your shop is always just filled with reporters trying to interview Black people.”

o   We ran through some of the reasons that Democratic candidates struggled, from the lack of progress on the Build Back Better plan to Biden’s falling approval rating to Republicans’ focus on scare tactics like “critical race theory” – “Oof. It would be bad enough if Democrats had one reason why they lost, but they have, like, 50.”

o   This was a strong point – “This, my friends, this is where Republicans really excel. I mean, they set the agenda. They know how to play the game. Because a year ago, if you asked anyone what critical race theory was, they’d be like, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ But if you ask them now, they will be like, ‘I still have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m terrified of it!’”

o   Trevor went on to say, “What you need to understand is, if they can set the agenda, then they can choose the fight.”

·        Johnson & Johnson

o   Disgusted but not surprised at Johnson & Johnson’s response to the revelation that they sold talcum powder tainted with asbestos (and continued to do so after they discovered that fact,) causing cancer in some of their customers – “Now, the experts over at Johnson & Johnson, they have found a cure. But unfortunately, it’s not a cure for the cancer. It’s for the company’s legal problems.”

o   Great breakdown of the loophole by which Johnson & Johnson seeks to wriggle out of its lawsuits by creating a dummy company, transferring all liability for the tainted talcum powder over to it, and then having that company declare bankruptcy to avoid legal fines – “This is insane, people. Johnson & Johnson is pretty much trying to do the first thing everyone thinks of when they get caught, blame it on their evil identical twin. I mean, we’ve all tried it. The only difference is it somehow actually works if you’re a powerful corporation.”

o   Trevor pointed out that declaring bankruptcy isn’t a new move for powerful corporations/entities in legal trouble, from Purdue Pharma over the opioid crisis to the Catholic Church over sexual abuse – “Yeah, I’m sorry. Purdue Pharma is not bankrupt. And the Catholic Church is definitely not bankrupt. Ain’t no bishops rolling into pawn shops, asking how much they can get for that Michelangelo ceiling.”

·        Interview – Rep. Katie Porter

o   Porter’s interview was part of the Johnson & Johnson story – She explained, “This isn’t really a bankruptcy problem. It’s a larger problem about how do we make sure that companies that make money are also on the hook for paying for the harm that they cause along the way.”

o   Trevor highlighted a point that makes this type of behavior from corporations even more egregious – “We find out time and time again that the companies knew that they were harming people. It wasn’t a mistake. And then, not only did they not say anything, but oftentimes, they pushed their products even more.”

o   Porter explained how these companies exploit bankruptcy law in ways it wasn’t intended to be used but are still unfortunately legal – “The whole point of bankruptcy is to help people and companies who cannot pay. Johnson & Johnson can pay. This is a company with $440 billion dollars. It is perfectly capable of paying for the harms it caused.”

·        Interview – Radio/TV host Charlamagne Tha God

o   In talking about his new Comedy Central show Tha God’s Honest Truth, Charlamagne discussed bringing, not just his entertainment persona, but his whole self to the project – “Now that I’m older, it’s like, you can’t really hide Lenard. You can’t hide Lenard when, you know, you’re the father of four beautiful daughters. And you can’t really hide Lenard when Lenard’s been in therapy for the past five, six years. And Lenard has written two books and given you so much of himself, it makes it feel easier to be Lenard.”

o   Trevor asked Charlamagne about his openness in discussing his mental health on his show and in his books, saying, “Let’s be honest: hip-hop and mental health haven’t exactly been aligned. There hasn’t been a culture of like, you know, ‘This is how hard I am, and this is when I go to my therapist.’ That hasn’t exactly been in that world.”

o   For Charlamagne, however, he said it was a natural decision to make – “It wasn’t authentic for me to come on the radio and talk about anything other than what I was going through.”

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