"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, October 30, 2021

News Satire Roundup: October 24th-October 28th

Sunday, October 24

·        Recap of the Week – Vaccine hesitancy in police departments

o   In among the rapid-fire events of the last week that John name-dropped was simply this – “Adele wore the hell out of this full-body chocolate-leather outfit. No one has worn chocolate that well since Augustus Gloop. That is a fashion fact!”

o   John opted not to show us what the Chicago PD’s union chief said about vaccine mandates. Instead, he only showed us the man’s apology for those remarks, which John then summed up as, “Technically, I never said the word ‘Holocaust,’ I just referenced the showers” – Yikes.

o   John struggled to follow the logic of an NYPD officer who manhandled a commuter for asking him to wear a mask, insisting that the commuter was being “disruptive” – “‘Disruptive’? Have you ever been on the subway? You know, the big metal worm that screams? The place where, every day, you see the biggest rats that ever walked the earth and then you just go to work like it’s nothing? You’re in disruption junction, baby!”

o   I like how John brought this piece home – “The constant refrain we hear from cops every time they kill an unarmed Black person is, ‘They should have complied with commands,’ because as long as you comply, things will supposedly go well. But that only seems to work one way. Because when officers are asked to follow simple rules or face consequences, a not-insignificant amount of them flip their shit.”

·        And Now This – The Weather Channel’s graphics

o   Weather Channel meteorologists pretending to be in danger from CGI car crashes on icy roads or CGI falling debris during a hurricane was definitely a choice.

o   I don’t for the life of me know why a meteorologist was interacting with a CGI Frosty the Snowman.

·        Main Story – Taiwan

o   John’s take on John Cena’s delivering an apology to China (in Mandarin!) after commenting that Taiwan would be “the first country to see F9” – “Every part of that is so weird! It’s weird John Cena apologized to China, it’s weird he did it for calling Taiwan a country, and it’s weird to see him do it in pretty decent Mandarin! That’s just too many weird things! I half-expected that shot to pan out to reveal he’s also doing a needlepoint of Liam Neeson kissing an ostrich. Honestly, it would only make it slightly stranger.”

o   This was a good analogy – “Historically, Taiwan has been like the Stanley Cup of Asian history, in that different people keep passing it around and carving their names on it.”

o   I liked John’s reaction to an old-timey news reel about Taiwan – “You know, I do kind of miss that period of human history when the only way to learn about other cultures was to have a British man on amphetamines tell you which were the good ones and which were the baddies.”

o   Oh man, that video of a Hong Kong reporter’s attempt to get a WHO representative to even discuss the existence of Taiwan was painful – “That man couldn’t be more clearly avoiding the question if he came back online pretending to be a lamp. ‘Uh, you can’t ask a lamp about Taiwain, especially me, I only speak French. So that’s actually two reasons I shouldn’t have to answer this question. I’m a lamp, and I only speak French, except for this brief paragraph in English explaining my situation. Au revoir! J’suis lamp.’”

o   John succinctly described the U.S.’s official policy of “strategic ambiguity” – “It is a willfully-confusing will-they-or-won’t-they dance that, for 40 years, has been the backbone of U.S.-Taiwan policy.”

o   This was John’s response to a video of one Taiwanese official delicately acknowledging Taiwan’s autonomy without actually calling it separate from China – “It’s like meeting your partner’s parents for the first time and saying, ‘Hello, I regularly fuck your offspring.’ Yeah, everyone was aware of that, but now that you’ve officially declared it, things are gonna get much more difficult for everyone involved here.”

o   John was impressed with one Taiwanese citizen’s nonchalance on China’s possessiveness over his country – “Wow, that is a pretty relaxed attitude given the circumstances here. He’s talking about the nuclear-armed, saber-rattling superpower taunting his country with war planes like it’s season 2 of Emily in Paris. ‘You know, I don’t love that it’s happening, but honestly, I just try to carry on with my life.’”

·        And Now This – James Corden interviewing actors

o   This was a supercut of James Corden segueing into discussing an actor’s movie (in no less than 20 different interviews with, “I have to congratulate you on your brilliant new movie”, and saying, “For anyone who doesn’t know, tell them what it’s about and who you play.”

 

Monday, October 26

·        Headlines – Used medical gloves imported to the U.S., elephants evolving without tusks

o   Sad but valid – “These gloves are not meant to be reused. They’re meant to be thrown into a trash bag, which is then thrown into the ocean, which is then swallowed by a whale. That’s the right way to do it!”

o   I loved Trevor’s introduction to the elephant piece – “For this next story, let’s do what my haters and my grandmother are always telling me to do and go back to Africa.”

o   More female elephants are being born tuskless due to natural selection, which has been affected by elephant poaching – “Yeah, believe it or not, these elephants, like most females, are just trying to avoid Don Jr.”

o   Ronny was the headline correspondent today. Too much awkward “bit” stuff for my taste, but I liked this line – “If you’re an animal with money growing out of your face, what do you think is going to happen next? Yo, if I walked around Times Square with bitcoin growing on my ass, dude, I’d have a poacher problem, too.”

·        Main Story – Cinematographer killed on movie set

o   Like many people, Trevor had a hard time believing how a gun loaded with live rounds wound up on a movie set to begin with – “Hollywood movies love using the fake version of the real thing for everything except guns. Like in Hollywood, they’ve got fake everything. They’ve got fake tigers. They’ve got fake houses. They’ve got fake diversity and inclusion initiatives. But then when it comes to deadly weapons, suddenly they’re like, ‘Let’s get a real gun and, uh, see what happens. Yeah, you know, switch things up.’”

o   Trevor would’ve thought real guns were phased out of moviemaking years ago – “But I guess Hollywood has a history of moving slowly on innovation. I mean, shit, it was only a few years ago that they found out that women could be over 33.”

o   News has come out that there were multiple safety issues on this set and that crew members quit over poor gun safety – “I mean, this gun misfired multiple times and was still allowed on set? How is that possible? Like, was this gun’s dad the producer?”

o   This is what it boiled down to – “It is absolutely unnecessary for anybody to lose their life for a pretend thing.”

·        Sen. Kyrsten Sinema

o   In another look at the interminable Democratic gridlock over the reconciliation bill, Trevor, summed up the current aggravating state of affairs – “While Manchin has been pretty clear that he’ll support the legislation as long as it saves West Virginia from the ravages of clean air and water, pinning down what Senator Sinema wants has been a lot harder to figure out.”

o   This was a good comment on Sinema’s unwillingness to share what she actually wants in the bill – “You know, it’s weird that in the Senate withholding information can actually give you power. Like, what other job can get away with that? A waiter doesn’t become more influential by refusing to tell you what the specials are.”

o   The piece looked at Sinema’s far-left political origins as a Green Party activist and her shift to the right as she’s risen in power. Needless to say, she’s come a long way from the woman who brought in a coven of witches for an Iraq War protest – “By the way, it’s funny how it was specifically a coven of feminist witches. ‘Cause, I mean, that seems redundant, you know? Like saying ‘emo vampire.’ It comes with the territory.”

o   Trevor acknowledged that people’s political beliefs mellowing over time is nothing new – “What’s unusual about Sinema is that she shifted so far so fast. I mean, she went from hosting witch covens to denying immigrants healthcare in just a few years. It’s almost like she got bitten by a radioactive Ted Cruz or something.”

·        Interview – Actress Anna Kendrick

o   Trevor asked Kendrick, “How did you avoid the child-star trap? How are you normal? Are you normal?” – She reasoned that getting her start in theatre was very different than film, where there’s a lot more coddling/pampering and can lead to child stars getting an overinflated view of themselves.

o   I enjoyed Trevor and Kendrick trading remarks on how it can be hard to “shut their brains off” when they’re watching something (standup for Trevor, acting for Kendrick) and not think about how they would’ve done it differently. They both agreed that the better/more engrossing a project is, the better they’re able to switch off and just be present.

o   Trevor noted Kendrick’s discomfort with talking herself up and suggested she pretend she was talking about a different actress called “Anna Kendricks” – She retorted, “I would end up being like, ‘Anna Kendricks is, you know, she’s talented, but she’s kind of a lot. I don’t know, she’s not for everyone.’”

Tuesday, October 26

·        Headlines – Revelations from Facebook whistleblower documents, Virginia governor candidate targets school curriculum, man saves money with the “Six Flags diet”

o   Part of the uncovered Facebook revelations included the fact that the company changed their algorithm to prioritize posts eliciting a strong emotional reaction, with the “angry face” emoji weighted five times more heavily than a like – “This is the worst use of emojis I’ve ever heard of. Like, emojis shouldn’t be used to emotionally manipulate people. They should be used as a fun way to ask someone if they’ll water your eggplant.”

o   Roy, the headline correspondent of the night, wasn’t surprised that emojis carry more weight these day – “We don’t even type ‘lol’ anymore. That’s how impatient we are as people.”

o   I liked Trevor’s comment on conservatives trying to restrict school curriculum – “You know, it’s almost like conservatives learned too much about cancel culture and accidentally got really into it.”

o   The political ad that inspired the story featuring a mother seriously intoning about the “explicit material” included in her child’s school assignment – “Whoa! What were these kids reading? Was this first grader reading 50 Shades of Grey? Was this like a little coloring-in book of dick pics?”

o   It turned out the “explicit material” in question was Toni Morrison’s Beloved, which was read for a high school senior’s AP English class – “I’m sorry, guys, but any parent who thinks their 17-year-old son’s school assignment is too explicit, they need to check out his browser history. Because, trust me, he can handle it.”

o   The man who gamed the Six Flags system, bought an unlimited year-round pass for $150, which includes free parking and two meals, and then went there every day to eat – “By the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on Earth? Like, eat for a year, $150. A mouse pad with a picture of you on a roller coaster, $3,000! No in-between.”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Police traffic stops

o   As a news clip at the top of the story showed, even though ticket quotas are illegal in a number of states, that doesn’t stop them from happening – “Commanders asking troopers to write a minimum of 60 traffic violations a month. On multiple documents, it says this is not a quota.”

o   Many police departments let their officers know they expect a certain number of traffic tickets per day, with the money making up a sometimes-surprising percentage of the city budget – “When you consider that some of these towns are making basically their entire budget off of these tickets, it finally gives us a good answer to that first question that cops always ask. ‘Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?’ ‘Yeah, ‘cause your town is broke as f**k.’”

o   We also looked at how police are punished for not making quotas, whether with negative performance reviews, mandatory overtime, or subpar equipment – “It goes to show you the quota system isn’t just unfair to citizens. It’s unfair to the police, too. And the worst part is, the cops can’t even protest this, because every time they try, they just beat themselves up out of habit.”

·        Interview – Talk show host/author Tamron Hall

o   As with many a guest, Trevor asked Hall about her experience during COVID, and she talked about having to pivot when the pandemic hit three months into her new show – “We started doing interviews. We did COVID around the world, literally on an iPad, where we went to Korea, India, all around the world where people were saying, from their perspective.”

o   Hall was there to talk about her new novel about disproportionate news coverage for missing white girls vs. Black girls – She noted that people who counter with, “So what, you think this [missing white girl] just shouldn’t be covered?” are presenting an unfair “trick bag,” comparing it with people who equate being against police brutality with being against police.

o   But she argued that there’s no reason it should be like that – “With that case that you’re referring to, Gabby Petito, her poor family now have to stop and say, ‘Wait a minute. We want her covered, but we also want Jelani Day covered.’ And then Jelani Day’s mother’s on the other end begging for a camera to just point her direction to plead for where he is.”

o   Hall also noted that these attitudes have been a part of newsrooms for so long now that they function almost by themselves – “I’ve never been in a newsroom where someone said, ‘Listen, Tamron, we’re gonna put the beautiful white girl.’ No one’s ever said that, but the actions lead to that.”

Wednesday, October 27

·        Headlines – Fears over edibles in Halloween candy, Build Back Better bill, Florida surgeon general’s lax COVID stance, cigarette sales increase during the pandemic

o   This made me laugh – “We kick things off with Halloween, or as pumpkins call it, genocide.”

o   Trevor didn’t buy the fearmongering over people giving out edibles on Halloween – “Even if a kid did get an edible by accident, they would realize it on the first bite. ‘Cause let’s be honest. Like, if you’ve ever eaten an edible, you know. Anything that’s candy that’s laced with weed, it always tastes a little bit like a tree took a shit.”

o   Dulcé, the headline correspondent of the night, didn’t think it was anything to worry about either – “They’ve been telling us since we were kids. They’re like, ‘Somebody’s gonna hand you drugs.’ But if you’re a kid who ever saw an adult with drugs, they never try to give them to you.”

o   Interesting that the new 15% corporate tax provision in the Build Back Better bill bases that percentage on the profit corporations report to their shareholders, not the IRS – “Those are two very different numbers. You know? The thing they tell the IRS is not what they tell the shareholders. It’s like how people talk about sex differently with their date versus how they talk about it around their mom.”

o   This was a good analogy – “I do think Manchin is right. Paying taxes is patriotic. Part of loving your country is financially supporting your country. You can’t say you love your child if you’re sending all your money to some other kid who’s in the Cayman Islands.”

o   Trevor wasn’t sure if the IRS could crack these corporations, but Dulcé had faith in them, pointing out that they were the federal agency to take down monsters when the FBI, CIA, DEA, and ATF couldn’t.

o   Trevor couldn’t figure out how Florida’s surgeon general managed to become a doctor if he’s so opposed to wearing masks – “I know you weren’t doing surgeries from six feet away, just throwing kidneys into the patients like a game of cornhole.”

o   Great line – “Dude, this state senator is being treated for cancer. You’re risking her life because you want to communicate more clearly? What are you trying to communicate, that you’re an asshole? Because you’re doing a great job.”

o   Good line from Dulcé – “If Darth Vader can communicate through his mask, you can communicate through a piece of paper.”

o   Trevor was puzzled over why someone would take up smoking during a respiratory pandemic – “Maybe that’s the point. Maybe these people are smoking because they hope it’ll trick COVID. You know, like COVID’ll show up to their lungs and be like, ‘Wait. I… I must’ve have been here already. Oh, all right. All right, let’s wrap it up, boys.’”

o   Dulcé posited that people were smoking to relieve stress. She also wondered if people stuck at home were having more sex and so needed more post-coital cigarettes, which Trevor didn’t think people actually did outside of movies – “If somebody started smoking while I was having sex with them, that would be the most demoralizing thing I could ever imagine.”

·        Correspondent piece (Desi) – Texas abortion ban

o   When Desi asked just “how f**ked” Texans are over this law, the expert she spoke to said it was preventing about 85% abortion access in the state.

o   The expert zeroed in on the law’s constitutional work-around, that it deputizes citizens to punish abortion providers by seeking “bounties” in the way of lawsuits, rather than the state actually restricting abortion itself – “It’s a law that’s designed so that the state of Texas isn’t going to enforce it, so we can’t go into court and sue the state of Texas.”

o   I liked Desi’s description of the law as a way to “crowdsource the war on women.”

o   Desi spoke to the main architect of the law, who she pointed out was not a lawyer, a woman, or a person with kids. I appreciated the withering disdain in her expression as he defended the deputized citizens aspect of the law with this analogy – “Everyone loves Batman, right? No one’s complaining about having a costumed vigilante known as Batman getting the job done. And so, why are people against private citizens to get the job done?”

·        Interview – Actor Diego Boneta

o   In talking about his Netflix series Luis Miguel, Boneta noted that a Spanish-language series isn’t the barrier to viewership that it once was – “I think people don’t care anymore about the language. The best content wins.”

o   Boneta described Luis Miguel, the subject of the biopic show and his character, like this – “He’s one of those Latin performers where it’s just him. There’s no dancers. There’s nothing. It’s just him and his voice, and he’s been doing that for a long time.”

o   He talked about meeting the real Miguel in preparation for the series – I liked how Miguel shared certain stories with him that Miguel specifically didn’t want included in the show. Rather, they were solely for Boneta’s benefit, to help him shape the character and understand Miguel’s perspective better.

Thursday, October 28

·        Headlines – Build Back Better bill, first gender-neutral U.S. passport issued, man arrested for living in O’Hare for three months

o   Desi was the headline correspondent. She’s not my favorite for these pieces, but I did like her little tangent worrying that she was going to see a lot of people dressed up as Karens for Halloween – “My culture is not a costume. Listen, if I see one Karen costume, I’m calling the cops.”

o   Good joke on why the stripped-down Build Back Better bill only got rid of Medicare expansion for dental and vision coverage, not hearing – “When you’ve got a president who whispers as much as [Biden] does, you’ve got to make sure that people can at least hear him.”

o   In a speech about the importance of passing the bill, Biden talked about America’s sinking rankings globally on issues like women in the workforce, education, and infrastructure. Trevor’s response made me laugh – “I understand what Joe Biden is saying. America in the past used to be great, and it should be made to be that way again. Huh, someone should put that on a hat.”

o   Trevor’s anger about gender-neutral passports wasn’t what you’d think – “No, no. I’m sorry, people, this is unfair. Why do I have to be stuck with a boring-ass letter like ‘M’ when other people can get ‘X’ now? Like, ‘X’ is by far the coolest letter! X-Men. X-rated movies. Malcom X. The X-factor, huh? It means there’s something special about you. But the M-factor sounds like the North Korean translation of The Matrix that’s translated back into English.”

o   Trevor didn’t buy that gender-neutral passports pose a “security risk” – “Let me tell you something. Passports are already terrible at confirming somebody’s identity. Because passports last for ten years! No one looks the same in their photos after ten years. I mean, Black people do but not, like, the rest of you. Y’all age like bananas.”

o   I laughed at Trevor’s reaction to the man caught living in O’Hare – “Honestley, I think we give the TSA a hard time for racial profiling, but I have to applaud them this time. I mean, this guy was hanging around the airport for three months, and the TSA was like, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s not jump to any conclusions.’ Good for them.”

·        Correspondent piece (Roy & Ronny) – NBA updates

o   I enjoyed the footage of wild Knicks fans celebrating their first win of the season, especially the guy who shouted, “We had de Blasio. We had Cuomo. It was rough shit, but we had the Knicks!!!”

o   When Ronny joins in on these sports pieces, it’s often hit-or-miss for me, but he was really on tonight. I loved his response to anti-vaxx protesters breaking through the barriers outside a Brooklyn Nets game – “Damn, I’ve never seen fans storm an arena before! I mean, were they there to support Kyrie Irving or hang Mike Pence?”

o   Also from Ronny, re: the creator of Squid Game clapping back against Lebron James’s criticism of the show’s ending – “I love this, Roy! NBA rivalries were getting so stale. It’s time NBA players start beefing with people in other fields. Next, I want to see Russell Westbrook talk shit about the new Wes Anderson movie.”

·        Interview – Pollster Kristen Soltis Anderson

o   It’s always interesting when Trevor interviews Republicans. There are always some claims/statements he doesn’t push back on, but he usually gets some interesting discussion going – In this Case, Anderson seemed pretty evenhanded, and her perspective as a pollster who examines people and their voting habits gave her some neat insights.

o   Anderson reasoned that a lot of Republicans became Trump supporters, not so much for his personality but because of their belief that he was someone who could take “the fight” to the Democrats – I can understand that, but I also know there are a lot of folks disrupting school board meetings right now touting quite a few Trump lines. Are they the “average voter”? I should hope not, but they’re certainly not nothing.

o   Trevor repeated a frequent line of thinking for him, his belief that much of the divisiveness in America comes down to the fact that there are only two major political parties – Anderson joined him in speculating on what a U.S. Congress with more parties would look like, although she believed that most actual legislative votes would go the same way.

o   Just like being a Republican doesn’t necessarily mean being a Trumper, Anderson pointed out that not every Republican perfectly aligns with what a Democrat’s view of a Republican is – “I think there’s an assumption that once you put that label on, that you are signing up for all of the policy positions that are on a party’s platform that they adopted at convention. And that is not the case.”

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