"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, January 23, 2021

News Satire Roundup: January 19th-January 21st

Tuesday, January 19

·        Headlines – Inauguration preparations, Capitol riot

o   This description of Trump made me smile – “The only president who got impeached more times than he got elected.”

o   Good observation on the heavy Capitol security in anticipation of the inauguration – “This just shows you how divided America is right now. It’s even having trouble transitioning power from an old white guy to an old white guy. Security wasn’t even this tight when the president was about to be Black!”

o   I loved Trevor’s reaction to the FBI catching Capitol rioters who posted selfies and videos of themselves during the attack – “No, guys, guys, you can’t be serious. Has it really gotten this bad, that social media has poisoned us to the point where we’re gonna livestream our treason?”

o   I laughed out loud at, “I will say, though, this is an argument for defunding the police, because you don’t need billions of dollars for detectives when you can find criminals just by scrolling your Instagrama Discover page.”

·        Main Story – Trump’s Legacy

o   So true – “He’s completely dropped the bar for presidential behavior. I mean, in ten years, a president could start peeing in the middle of a press conference, and people would just be like, ‘Huh, I guess he just had to go.’”

o   On the whole, this story was less about Trump himself and more about what his allies have revealed about themselves, especially in the wake of the Capitol riot – the theme of the piece was, “Miss me with this bullshit.”

o   First up was Fox News, making excuses for the rioters and calling them “hard-working, solid Americans” who attempted insurrection out of love for the free market – “Free markets are not something that drives a riot. No one’s ever slapped someone for a free market before, much less murdered a police officer.”

o   Which tied into Trevor’s biggest charge against Fox News, the fact that their Blue Lives Matter stance went out the door when it was white Trump supporters rioting and attacking police – “Clearly, you guys don’t care about cops. You only care about the idea of using cops to keep Black people in their place.”

o   Next was Lindsey Graham giving a speech denouncing Trump after the attack (but soon pivoting to blame Nancy Pelosi instead) – Trevor’s impression of Graham declaring, “’He just took it too far!” made me laugh so hard.

o   Also great – “Yeah, Nancy, why weren’t you in your office when people were coming to kidnap or kill you? What were you hiding? Yourself?”

o   And just generally, Trevor called out GOP members calling for calm, unity, and “moving forward” after the riot – “Okay, I don’t know what kind of crazy-ass world you people live in, but how are you gonna start a fight and then tell everyone else to calm down? Can you imagine if a terrorist tried to hijack a plane and then after the marshal tackled him, he says, ‘Okay, okay! I think everyone needs to calm down! Let’s just come together and watch the rest of The Croods.’”

o   In amongst a larger point about social media only cracking down on Trump’s lies and hate speech after the events of the last four years, I loved this jokes about out-of-left-field apps that have gotten on the “ban Trump” train – “What’s the Pinterest ban for? Is Trump gonna put border wall images on his page?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – the Capitol riot

o   The show posted a longer piece online of Jordan covering the scene outside the Capitol shortly after the riot, but this offered up a few more “QAnon supporter at the insurrection”-style interviews.

o   While both pieces appear to show

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump

o   We opened on Ivanka and Jared’s Secret Service bathroom scandal, featuring Trevor’s skepticism that those two even use the bathroom – “When Jared has to go, Ivanka probably just squeezes him like an old tube of toothpaste.”

o   Desi narrated a video “tribute” to their roles in the Trump administration – I liked the line, “Trump knew that Jarvanka was the couple for the job, any job.”

o   Great response for Jared touting the 25 books he read to master the task of brokering peace in the Middle East – “That’s right, 25 books. Jared had acquired a Goosebumps series worth of knowledge, and he was ready to put it to use.”

o   Loved this response to an interview clip where Ivanka suggested that “complicit” means “wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact” – “You see, to Ivanka, definitions of words are like tax laws: they’re just suggestions.”

·        Interview – Actress Carey Mulligan

o   In discussing her new movie Promising Young Woman, Mulligan talked about using dark comedy to explore the subject of sexual assault – “The hardest things in life, we often and only get through using humor.”

o   I really liked her point that the kinds of encounters shown in the film, like guys scoping out the drunkest girl at the party, have already been fodder in numerous “bro comedies” over the years, without acknowledgment that what they’re doing is sexual assault.

o   Interesting observation from Trevor on the casting of the film, which uses familiar, likable actors in unsavory roles – “What was nice about this film was seeing ‘nice guys,’ ‘good guys’ being the ‘bad guys,’ seeing ‘good guys’ doing the bad thing.”

Wednesday, January 20

·        Headlines – Inauguration Day, Trump’s departure, Trump’s last-minute pardons and executive orders, Biden’s first day in the White House

o   Trevor’s reaction to Biden taking the oath of office made me laugh – “I don’t know about you, but this moment will stay in my memory forever. Joe Biden’s middle name is Robinette? What?!”

o   Trevor noted Biden’s commitment to unity by inviting “enemies of the state” like Ted Cruz to the inauguration – “No, I’m joking. Ted Cruz didn’t try and overthrow the government, he just supported the people who did.”

o   On Trump’s parting vow that he’ll be “back in some form” – “My man knows you gotta leave on a cliffhanger!”

o   Good bit about rappers Kodak Black and Lil Wayne being among Trump’s final pardons – the impression of them trying to figure out what to rap about now that they’ve lost their street cred was great.

o   At 1 in the morning, Trump reversed the one order his administration gave toward any attempt to “drain the swamp” – “Let’s be real, people. Hiring Trump to reduce corruption is like hiring Hilaria Baldwin to reduce your PR crisis. The results are gonna be no bueno!”

o   Our farewell made-up middle name for Trump? “Donald Jesus-Christ-That-Was-Crazy Trump” – So true.

·         You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Inaugurations

o   Great impression of Obama having to repeat his oath of office because Chief Justice Roberts mixed up the wording a little – “Really, asshole? I moved all the way from Kenya just to have you screw this up now?!”

o   Trevor thought William Henry Harrison’s 2-hour inauguration speech was a mistake – “He was only president for 31 days, and he wasted the first two hours! He could’ve been like, ‘No speech! I’ve gotta enjoy this while it lasts!’, and then spent the whole day just running around the White House in his underwear.”

o   I loved the reaction to some of the wild inauguration balls of presidents past – “Damn, those parties were baller! I mean, I’ve been to some crazy parties, but I’ve never been to a party that got frozen-canary crazy.”

·        Interview – Activist Stacey Abrams

o   As Biden took office, Abrams was pragmatic but optimistic – “More than anything, I think we have an opportunity for hope that we haven’t had in a very long time.”

o   I enjoyed Trevor’s analogy for how Abrams took the credit given to her and shared it among all the activists fighting for voting rights in Georgia – “Is it strange for you to be like the Iron Man of this, where you have to keep telling people, ‘Yes, but Spider-Man also helped, and so did Black Panther, and so did every single other person in the Marvel universe?’”

o   Abrams was humble in reply, saying, “I’m so pleased to be a part of this pantheon that got good done.”

o   She hit the nail on the head when Trevor asked her about the tenacity of Black women around the world fighting for equality – “Black women tend to bear the brunt of every evil and bear the responsibility for every failure, and so our only response is that we are going to have to fight longer, push harder, and recognize that we will go unrecognized.”

Thursday, January 21

·        Headlines – NBA bans handshakes and high-fives between teams, Putin critic detained in Russia, man forgets password for his $250 million Bitcoin account, Pablo Escobar’s “cocaine hippos” are spreading through Colombian river basin

o   Trevor was dubious about the crackdown on physical contact during NBA sportsmanship displays – “At the same time, though, will this really make a difference? I mean, I’m all for COVID safety, but these guys have been sweating and breathing on each other for two hours already and then they can’t shake hands? That’s like handing out condoms as people are leaving the orgy.”

o   I laughed at Trevor labeling Russia “Mean Canada.”

o   This was a good line – “Okay, I don’t know what’s crazier here: that this dude went back to the same country that tried to kill him, or that they arrested him when he got there! Apparently in Russia, it’s a felony to not die when they poison you?”

o   Great bit about the environmental impact of the cocaine hippos – “Over-reproduction is the most bad-ass reason to be exterminated. When was the last time you had so much sex that the government had to step in?”

o   I liked the whole thing about how people in the drug industry have wilder and wilder pets the further up the ladder you go – “I bet that family that invented oxy just has a T-Rex chained up in their backyard.”

·        Main Story – The new Biden administration

o   On Biden’s décor in the Oval Office – “I do think it’s cool that, no matter what other changes a president makes, the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. stays behind. Because no one wants to be the guy who removes the bust of MLK! Once it enters the room, it’s there for good!”

o   I laughed at this comment from a reporter – “Today felt like a new day. I mean, the pressing briefing was boring as hell, and that was refreshing.”

o   Great analogy on the very low bar Trump set for Biden – “It’s like getting hired as a babysitter and your predecessor was a Roomba covered in knives. You’d better be better!”

o   Trevor thought it was disingenuous how quickly some seem to be putting Trump in the rearview mirror, to the point where they won’t even mention his name – “He sent a mob to ransack the Capitol! People are going to be talking about this forever. Guys, we are living in a history book right now!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Melania Trump

o   Good voiceover for the viral clip of Melania’s vanishing smile at the inauguration – “It was a moment she celebrated with great joy and instant regret.”

o   On her colorless “renovation” of Jackie Kennedy’s rose garden – “Good for Melania! Who needs roses when coronavirus is destroying everyone’s sense of smell anyway?”

o   Great line – “But perhaps Melania’s greatest legacy as First Lady was her celebration of all God’s children… whose parents could prove they were citizens.”

·        Interview – Journalist Jelani Cobb

o   Cobb acknowledged that 2020 was terrible, but he did find a silver lining – “We had to think about our history, because it was reoccurring right in front of us.”

o   As Trevor commented about the sustainability of America’s two-party system, Cobb noted, “The founders of this country never wanted parties at all. They thought that parties would be disruptive, that that would be the quickest way the Republic would end” – he also wondered whether the Republican Party would adapt or fade out as white people become an increasingly-smaller portion of the population.

o   The conversation moved to policing – Cobb pointed that the the first people he heard advocating for defunding the police (albeit not in those words) “were cops themselves, saying that they do too many things, saying that they’re involved in all kinds of actions, that they’re fundamentally not trained to handle mental-health crises.”

o   Looking ahead to 2021, Cobb was hopeful but not naïve – “I don’t think we should underestimate the scale of the problems that we’re confronting. The dynamics that produced Trump are still very active in society.”

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