"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, November 21, 2020

News Satire Roundup: November 15th-November 19th

Sunday, November 15

·        Main Story – Trump’s refusal to concede the election

o   As John rightly pointed out, this isn’t just about Trump’s own refusal to concede, but about people like Mike Pompeo who are also feeding into that – “What the fuck are you talking about, you business Grimace?! You’re the Secretary of State. You’re supposed to forcefully denounce coups!”

o   While John wasn’t here for Mitch McConnell BS about Trump having “every right” to try to invalidate the election, he took issue with McConnell’s claim that Democrats were expecting Trump to “cheerfully accept” his loss – “He’s incapable of cheerfully accepting anything except blowjobs, Nazi endorsements, and the opportunity to scream inside a stranger’s truck.”

o   We went through just a small sample of the Trump campaign’s bogus claims of voter fraud. I’d heard about the “whistleblower” poll worker in Pennsylvania recanting their previous claims that late ballots were being backdated, but I hadn’t known that the county where they worked only received 2 ballots after Election Day in the first place (when, as John reminded us, Biden won Pennsylvania by over 65,000 votes.)

o   John looked at the harm that “humoring” Trump causes, from blocking Biden’s transition efforts to fueling anger and conspiracies among his base – one (Republican!) election official in Pennsylvania talked about receiving “calls to our office reminding us that ‘that’s what the Second Amendment is for,’ people like us.”

·        And Now This – 2020 Bingo

o   A montage of news anchors asking, “Who had _______ on their 2020 bingo card?” – Some of my favorite entries were “tires become controversial,” “Robert Kardashian hologram,” and “angry White House raccoons.”

·        Finally – Season wrap-up

o   We started with a review of some of the fun things the show accomplished this year – I laughed at, “John Cena delivered a message about conspiracy theories for us while taking off his shirt, something, and I cannot stress this enough, we did not ask him to do. And the fact that he did that unprompted makes it even funnier.”

o   John’s final Adam Driver thirst-jokes of the year led to a FaceTime appearance from Driver himself – “I’m sick of people stopping me on the street asking if I’m gonna punch a hole in you like a Marriage Story wall!”

o   Driver’s attempts to get John to say he was sorry didn’t go as planned – “I’m…six feet of nasty, spankable bird-beak crammed into a suit?”

o   After that, John got a bit more serious in reflecting on 2020 and looking ahead to 2021. I felt this – “For me, it’s as though the world has both shrunk and expanded around me. I don’t see anyone, I don’t do anything, and I have no idea what’s gonna happen next.”

o   Time to suit up, everybody – “The truth is, what happens next is up to all of us. It’s gonna depend on how willing we are to fight, how much we learned from what’s happened, and how much we’re able to care about each other.”

Monday, November 16

·        Headlines – Moderna announces efficacy of its vaccine, SpaceX launches first “taxi” flight, archeologists discover more than 100 coffins in Egypt, new discovery about platypuses

o   Sobering statistics – “1/3 of all Americans know someone who has died of COVID-19.”

o   Wild detail that the results of vaccine trials are coming in earlier because of how bad the pandemic is right now, since trial participants have so many opportunities to be exposed to the virus – “Just imagine that for a second. We’re getting the vaccine faster because of irresponsible people. So, you go out on your balcony at 7:00 pm tomorrow night, and you clap for those people who aren’t wearing masks.”

o   So true – “By the way, I love how grave-robbing is okay if you just call yourself an archeologist.”

o   Upon learning that platypuses glow under a blacklight, in addition to all their other quirks, Trevor said, “It’s almost like God was finished building the Earth and then used all the leftover pieces to make the platypus. ‘Just take the spare duckbill and put it together with the raccoon body. Yeah, let’s see what happens! This could be interesting.’”

·        Post-Election News – “Million MAGA March,” Trump still refuses to concede, Trump’s lawyers begin dropping election lawsuits

o   Trevor noted that Biden’s electoral victory is the same as Trump’s in 2016, “which basically means that Donald Trump is the Hillary Clinton of this election? ‘Lock me up! Lock me up!’”

o   Trevor was bringing the shade for the Million MAGA March – “Wow, guys, this is so strange. Why does the not-white-supremacist president have all these white supremacists come out to support him? That’s so weird!”

o   Great point – “It’s interesting how now, all the Trump supporters are suddenly okay with protesting and blocking traffic. How quickly their attitudes have changed! I bet we’re only three months away from them kneeling at football games, like, ‘I will not stand for the anthem of a country that does not support my MAGAness!’”

o   As far as dictator moves go, Trevor thought Trump has been displaying “Tsome weak-ass shit” – Instead of replacing governors with loyalists or wielding the military, “he’s just sitting at home trying to manifest a win on Twitter like a little bitch.”

o   Great impression of Trump’s lawyers “moonwalking back” their claims of election fraud – “When it kicked off, Trump’s lawyers were like, ‘Your honor, this election was rigged!’ And then it was like, ‘Okay, the election wasn’t rigged, but they didn’t let us observe it.’ ‘Okay, they let us observe the election, but not as closely as we wanted.’ ‘Okay, none of that is true, but can we all agree that the word “election” is weird? Yeah, it’s weird, right? “Election.” Sounds weird, right? We can agree on that.’”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Talking to “cousin” Tucker Carlson

o   Another of these pieces, meh. I did like, “Have you noticed how both sides are now embracing conspiracy theories? Why do you think that’s happening?” “Because you keep saying them on TV!”

o   It did weird me out that the premise of this Zoom call with “cousin Tuck” (and later, “second cousin” Sean Hannity) was planning for Thanksgiving – Yes, “no politics at the table,” is an understandable concern, but there are far bigger Thanksgiving concerns to be looking at in the 1-million-confirmed-cases-in-a-week America right now.

·        Interview – Author Ta-Nehisi Coates

o   Coates didn’t hold back in criticizing the federal government’s lack of COVID response – “I don’t know what the state is for if it’s not to prevent the senseless death of a quarter million of their inhabitants. What’s the point of having a state?”

o   He and Trevor discussed news that his book The Water Dancer is being optioned into a film, as well as the upcoming release of the film version of Between the World and Me – Trevor noted, “Your work evokes so much imagery that it almost lends itself to being created into some sort of film.”

o   Coates liked the way the film opens and expands Between the World and Me beyond what he would be able to do on the page – “When you write a book, what you’re trying to achieve is a very intimate one-on-one experience with a reader. So it’s you and the reader locked in this one place. And the singular voice that the reader hears comes out of this collaboration between you two.”

o   As is Trevor’s tradition when Coates guests on the show, he ended with asking how optimistic Coates is about America right now, and while Coates affirmed strength through adversity, the election and vaccine news didn’t turn everything around for him – “I think the damage to democratic legitimacy, piled onto, you know, everything else Trump has done, I think it’s enormous. I think it’s enormous, and I expect to actually outlive the damage of that.”

Tuesday, November 17

·        Headlines – Ponzi scheme suspect flees on a sea scooter

o   I laughed at Trevor’s impression of the suspect trying to defend himself in court – “I am not guilty, your honor! Although, yes, I did try to escape with a method most commonly used by cartoon supervillains.”

·        Pandemic News – U.S. coronavirus surge, Iowa mask mandate, world’s most expensive mask, Dr. Scott Atlas on Thanksgiving

o   The U.S. just logged 1 million cases in a week.

o   You and me both, Trevor – “You know, guys, it’s amazing to me that we’re 8 months into this pandemic and we’re somehow getting worse at dealing with it.”

o   Great comments on the diamond-encrusted, $1.5 million face mask – “Rich people, learn how to read the room! People all over the world are like, ‘We’re starving and we need a more equal society!’, and then rich people are like, ‘Is there any way I can breathe through diamonds?’”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Faithless electors

o   I liked Trevor’s key-up to this piece, describing faithless electors as “Trump’s last-ditch effort to win the election he lost.”

o   I was amazed that only 14 states explicitly require electors to follow the votes of the people – that’s an awful lot hinging on a “gentleman’s agreement.”

o   Very true – “Really? Electors can subvert the will of the voters and undermine the foundations of democracy, and their punishment is the same as parking in front of a fire hydrant? In fact, parking in front of a hydrant is worse because you don’t just get a fine, you also get towed! I mean, charging $1,000 for giving the presidency to someone doesn’t mean that they won’t do it! It just means the bidding starts at $1,000.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – “Million MAGA March”

o   I liked Jordan’s distinction that this was “the self-proclaimed, and self-counted, Million MAGA March.”

o   Good summation of a guy who insisted that Trump won easily if you “take out California” – “If you definitely discount certain people, then the numbers add up in your favor.”

o   I laughed out loud when Jordan saw a guy waving a Trump-branded Confederate flag and just said, “Buddy, you don’t know how to pick a winner.”

·        Interview – Comedian/actor Kevin Hart

o   Trevor noted that Hart was the first guest he ever had when he took over the show, which made me smile to recall – Hart brought Trevor a show-warming present.

o   I liked this observation from Hart – “As you get older, you gotta find more things that you can put your all into that you love, that you enjoy.”

o   Since Hart was sequestered in Toronto, following COVID protocols for shooting a new movie, he added a message at the end for his family back home, which was sweet.

Wednesday, November 18

·        Headlines – Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, Trump’s attempts to overturn election results, Georgia finishes hand recount

o   Trevor wasn’t here for people body-shaming the scraggly Rockefeller Center Christmas tree – “No, no, no, no. You leave that poor tree alone. You already killed it, now you’re gonna make fun of its appearance? Who are you people? Do you do this at funerals too?”

o   After looking at footage of a heated Michigan election board meeting in which some canvass officials were resistant to certifying all votes in Detroit, Trevor felt bad for people whose valiant stands against racism are preserved for posterity over Zoom – This led to a fun impression of Martin Luther King Jr. trying to give a stirring speech over Zoom and being derailed by his cat. “Winston, what did tell you about jumping on the bed and doing that when you’ve got your litter box?”

·        Main Story – Trump’s post-election work/policies

o   This piece looked at everything the administration is hurrying to push through before Inauguration Day.

o   Agreed – “Wait, hold up. Trump wants to end a war in Iraq and start a war in Iran? I’m not sure if he can pull that off, guys. First of all, I’m not sure he knows the difference between Iraq and Iran.”

o   This was a great line – “Donald Trump’s whole career has been a failed game of Monopoly, so I don’t feel great about him playing a speed version of Risk.”

o   Nice summation of Trump’s rush to sell oil rights for Alaska’s National Arctic Wildlife Refuge – “At this point, Trump is just stripping America for parts.”

o   Trevor was perplexed at Trump’s push to allow increased line speeds at chicken slaughterhouse – “Why is he trying to kill chickens faster? It sounds like they made him wait three minutes for his KFC order once, and he was like, ‘This can never ever happen again!’”

·        Correspondent Piece (Lewis) – Far-right news networks

o   When Lewis pointed out that not even Fox News is far-right enough for some Trump supporters, he clarified that the network is not “pro-Biden” but “Biden-curious.”

o   In response to Rudy Guiliani’s claims that both Will Smith’s grandfather and Joe Frazier have been voting after their deaths – “It’s amazing how exciting the news can be when you just make it up!”

o   I laughed at this exchange between Trevor and Lewis – “This is the first I’ve ever heard of any of these networks. Is anyone even watching them?” “You bet your liberal-bubbled ass, they are!”

o   Lewis “wanted in” on peddling conspiracy theories for money, so he created his own fake news network. His selling point? Racism that goes beyond dogwhistles – “Other networks will imply it, but I’ll whisper it.”

·        Interview – Congresswoman Lucy McBath

o   McBath represents Georgia, and she wasn’t at all surprised that Georgia became a battleground state, or that some people are so hellbent against believing the state went to Biden – “This is the new South. And the think the resistance we’ve seen is just that, resistance to the new South.”

o   She and Trevor discussed the tragedy that led her to politics, the murder of her son in a so-called “Stand Your Ground” case – “As mothers, as women, we’re the single focus of our homes oftentimes. We’re the protectors, we’re often providers. And we want to make sure that when we send our family out the door, when we send our children out the door, they come home safely. We do everything that we can.”

o   I liked what she said about packaging progressive policies for the community she serves, that ideologically-different communities can still get behind the same ideas if they’re presented in ways that appeal to the needs of the individual communities.

·        Interview – Skier Lindsey Vonn

o   Vonn was there to promote her new reality show, a competitive travel/adventure show in which competitors partner with their dogs – Trevor was all for it, but he side-eyed the fact that only one of Vonn’s three dogs cohost the show with her (she insisted it wasn’t personal, that it was more about the practicality of traveling with her toy-sized dog instead of one of the other two, who both weigh over 100 pounds.)

o   She also talked about her work on a new documentary about one of her heroes, the skier Picaboo Street – “She is why I’m here, you know? And now I get to show the respect I feel so strongly about her and be able to tell her story.”

Friday, November 19

·        Headlines – Owl found in the Rockefeller Christmas tree

o   Trevor was all about that owl – “He’s so cute, Baby Yoda probably put a hit on him as we speak.”

o   They’ve done this kind of joke before, and it always makes me smile – “I don’t like the idea of giving this owl a Twitter account. Because we like the owl now, but once we start reading those tweets, mm mmm…. Wow, ‘Owl Lives Matter’? Unfollow.”

·        Main Story – Trump continues attempt to overturn election results

o   After Trump clashed with election officials who wouldn’t bend to his will, they’ve received threats and harassment from his supporters – “This shows you that there’s no winning when it comes to Donald Trump. If he doesn’t like you, you get death threats. If he does like you, he gives you COVID.”

o   I wish we’d spent more time on the content of Rudy Giuliani’s unhinged press conference, but Trevor admittedly had good jokes about him sweating through his hair dye – “Was his hair dye dripping? Was his brain shitting itself? Honestly, I didn’t even know that sideburns got periods!”

o   2020, people – “If someone said back in 2016 that this whole thing would end with Rudy Giuliani openly planning a coup against the government but that no one would take him seriously because he had hair dye running down his face the entire time, you’d be like, ‘Yeah, you know what? That sounds about right.’”

·        Thanksgiving during the pandemic

o   Excellent, grim joke on the prospect of Thanksgiving in a pandemic – “You best believe corona’s already lining up like it’s a Black Friday sale on grandparents!”

o   I laughed, because relatable – “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Zoom is allowing unlimited calls?! Do they realize how much they’re screwing us over? People, that 40-minute time limit was a get-out-of-jail-free card! Yeah, you can thank Zoom when you’re on a 3-hour call this year with your cousin explaining his foot surgery.”

o   Good reaction to the news that smaller Thanksgiving gatherings means people are looking for smaller turkeys – “All right, everybody, we get it! We just discovered the most American problem of all time. You’re worried that even your food is too overweight?”

·        Interview – Magnate/philanthropist Bill Gates

o   In discussing COVID, Gates talked with Trevor about why he’s become the subject of so many anti-vaxxer, COVID-hoax conspiracy theories – “A simple explanation for this pandemic, that there is somebody evil behind it, is somehow easier than the true biology, which is actually kind of complicated. We have to make the truth more interesting, and we have to label things with the truth.”

o   As the interview moved onto climate change, I appreciated that Trevor wanted to frame it around solutions that both protected the environment and looked out for people who currently have jobs in non-green energy sectors.

o   With COVID and climate change alike, Gates knew we have our work cut out for us but was still confident that we could do it – “It’s a lot like the pandemic, where innovation is what’s gonna get us out of this.”

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