"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, November 16, 2019

News Satire Roundup: November 10th-November 14th


Sunday, November 10 – The latest on Stupid Watergate II pivoted to the original Stupid Watergate with Roger Stone’s trial. Stone’s claim that a “prepare to die” text was “taken out of context” was truly mind-boggling. We also got a fun And Now This of Fox News pundits misattributing a quote about liberals and conservatives to Churchill. The main story hearkened back to an earlier one on the coal industry, specifically the frivolous SLAPP suit coal magnate Bob Murray hit the show with. It was a great springboard for talking about these damaging lawsuits, targeting critics who often can’t afford the costly legal battles that the wealthy complainants don’t intend to win in the first place. And of course, it was a perfect excuse to hurl more insults at Murray, from “what it would look like if an egg undressed you with its eyes” to the climactic musical number making a bunch of outrageously-comedic false claims about him.


Sunday, November 10 – New Patriot Act! The latest block kicked off with a strong episode on mental health coverage. After a fun cold open in which Hasan stressed himself out while trying to record a guided meditation (“What about the 1% of germs that Purell doesn’t kill?!?”, he examined the different ways insurance companies avoid paying for mental health treatment, despite federal law requiring parity between physical and mental healthcare. Companies not maintaining accurate lists of in-network therapists was absurd (one study called every name on a list of hundreds and succeeded with less than a fourth of them – some of the wrong numbers went to dead people, and one went to a McDonald’s.) The worst, though, was a family who already lost one daughter to suicide being told that resident treatment for their younger daughter wasn’t “medically necessary” because she hadn’t tried to attempt suicide often enough – horrific.


Monday, November 11 – We opened on the repeal of a ban on Marines carrying umbrellas, followed by another gender-reveal party mishap (loved the line, “Is this how they’re revealing that the pregnancy was an accident?”) and a widespread phone error that resulted in a bunch of Valentine’s Day texts only getting delivered recently. Next up was Michael Bloomberg considering a presidential run, ‘cause of course we need more Democratic candidates. I liked the bit about Bloomberg being so rich that Jeff Bezos was making orders with him, and the Batman analogy was great. Two guests – first was Rep. Jim Himes. I appreciated what he said about the difference between a quid pro quo and extortion, and the importance of using the correct word. We also got Anna Kendrick, promoting her new Christmas movie and talking about the benefits of being a producer (fewer hair extensions, isn’t without resource if the director is terrible.)

Tuesday, November 12 – Opening blurbs on the Disney+ launch, gender bias on the new Apple Card (loved Trevor’s comment that something might actually be done about this because it featured the whitest, richest discrimination victims ever,) and the coup in Bolivia. I really liked the piece on book deals for Trump insiders, especially Trevor’s remarks on John Bolton dangling secret info about Ukraine but apparently saving it for his book instead of testifying before Congress. Roy attempted to bring some happy news with a trio of animal stories (including an airport therapy pig and a jailbreaking cat!), but they kept reminding him of the depressing aspects of the world. The guest, director Noah Baumbach, talked Marriage Story and the awkwardness of not realizing Scarlett Johansson was going through a divorce until moments before he pitched her his movie about divorce. Whoops!

Wednesday, November 13 – We jumped straight into the public impeachment hearings. I liked how one representative put paid to the “Trump was too incompetent to commit extortion!” defense by asking whether attempted murder/robbery/etc. is still a crime. The clips of a Republican representative who kept harping on Hunter Biden was something else, and I loved Trevor’s comparison with interrupting the police during a breaking-and-entering investigation to ask them to figure out who stole your yogurt from the break room. Roy and Jaboukie had a fun piece playing real estate agents for Trump’s childhood home. Despite their monetization suggestions (museum for Trump supporters, rage room for Trump haters,) they couldn’t get anyone to bite. Daniel Kaluuya was the guest, promoting Queen & Slim. I loved what he said about his project choices, saying he prioritizes “singing great songs” over “being a great singer.”

Thursday, November 14 – Sigh – another presidential candidate. As Trevor said, the point isn’t to keep replenishing the stock! I loved the bit on Bernie Sanders making changes after his heart attack, especially Trevor’s speculation that his staff convinced him to change his wardrobe based on “doctor recommendation.” We also had quick blurbs on flooding in Venice and exorbitant prices to sit on Santa’s lap. Next was Fox News’s coverage of the impeachment hearings. Their efforts to deter viewers from watching the testimony were gross, and I loved Trevor’s comment on their intensive focus on Beghazi compared to “What even is a Ukraine?” Another two-guest night. First was Steve Ballmer, a billionaire who doesn’t have nightmares about Elizabeth Warren. The second guest was Jeff Garlin, discussing his practice of improvving his standup; Trevor thought that, in the age of climate change, it was “wasteful” to throw good jokes away.

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