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Sunday, March 10
· Recap of the Week – Kamala Harris calls for a “ceasefire,” North Carolina governor candidate Mark Robinson
o Loved this – “Biden gave his State of the Union to a room that included George Santos in a bejeweled collar, serving A+ Housewives energy.”
o Oof, Kamala Harris – “There must be an immediate ceasefire…” and as the crowd cheers, “…for at least the next six weeks.”
o John summed it up nicely – “Harris forgot the cardinal rule there, that bad news should always come first. There’s a reason that conversations at hospitals don’t go, ‘Your husband’s going to live—’ ‘Oh, thank you, doctor!’ ‘—for the next six weeks. You thanked me, no takebacks, bye-ee!’”
o John looked at Trump calling Mark Robinson “Martin Luther King times two” at a rally – “Do you know how racist you have to be to give a Black person a compliment that starts by quantifying their human value and then ends with a demand?!? It’s a lot!”
o Ha! – “Which is not just the argument of an asshole, but an asshole on steroids—an asshole times two, if you will.”
o We watched a clip of Robinson going on an anti-trans screed in a church, ending with an indignant, “Two plus two don’t equal transgender! It equals four!” – “To be fair, it does. He is right about the very last thing there. It’s actually a great discursive tactic. Finish an incomprehensively offensive rant with one incontrovertible fact. I’ll show you: Seagulls have no business being birds! They’re rats with wings undeserving of flight! The capital of Turkmenistan isn’t Seagulls, it’s Ashgabat.”
o John had a good response to Robinson’s anti-abortion statements as well – “I will say, if the women of this country do think it’s all right to murder someone to get out of trouble, they are currently showing incredible restraint.”
o Reality competition shows, “Stalin’s Show Trials”
o Robinson also insisted that only men could be leaders, pointing to David and Moses as biblical examples – “If you’re gonna make the argument that men are better leaders because they can fight, those are two terrible examples. When did David or Moses ever throw hands? They defeated their enemies through, respectively, a slingshot and magic: one thing any gender can do, and the other nobody can!”
o Part of Robinson’s rant included weird biological essentialism stuff that men, being “big and hairy and ugly,” are built for leadership – John tossed up an image of Michelangelo’s David and asked, “Also, big and hairy and ugly? This twink? Please!”
o Good observation – “It was just a matter of time before online trolls crossed over from ranting about policy to writing it.”
· And Now This – C-Span Callers Show Once Again Why They’re America at its Best
o Crank callers calling into C-SPAN, all following a particular theme.
o We got such gems as, “If you lose five pounds, the male will gain one inch on his penis,” along with, “And believe it or not, [the Washington Monument] looked exactly like my erect penis.”
o Kudos to the C-SPAN hosts/moderators – Throughout the whole montage, each of them was unflappable and quick to discreetly end the call as soon as the callers started getting lewd.
· Main Story – State medical boards
o We opened on a wild clip from 9-1-1 Lone Star, where Rob Lowe started CPR on someone he didn’t realize had been frozen in a cryo chamber, and the guy’s chest caved in! – John said, “I didn’t think cold temperatures automatically turned humans into hollow chocolate bunnies, but I’ll admit, I’m not a doctor.”
o Over 250,000 U.S. deaths every year are due to medical error, yikes!
o John acknowledged that in medicine, there are endless possibilities for things to go wrong, saying, “Every inch of this skin sack is confusing.”
o This story taught me that too many doctors post themselves on TikTok working on unconscious patients – After one dancing surgeon lost her job, John said, “There’s a reason the Hippocratic Oath does not go, ‘First do no harm, then sliiiide to the left.’”
o Like a number of problems in the U.S., it’s less widespread than it seems, with the bigger issue being poor systems to address the small number of doctors regularly doing harm to patients – “Less than 2% of physicians were responsible for half the money paid out in malpractice suits over 25 years.”
o We also learned that, when doctors are investigated for potential malpractice, those investigations might go on for up to seven years without being resolved – “Think about it. That means if a case was resolved today, it could’ve been filed in 2017. In that timeframe, we’ve had a global pandemic, a president who looked directly at a solar eclipse, an armed insurrection, a different president who ended a speech on gun control with ‘God save the Queen, man,’ a Sophie Turner/Joe Jonas wedding, a Sophie Turner/Joe Jonas divorce, and the entire series run of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Seven years is just seven years, but it’s also 6000 years!”
o This is what made that even worse – “The fact that doctors keep treating patients while their case goes through the system can be infuriating to anyone who gets hurt in that time.”
o One non-physician serving on a state medical board was asked in an interview about how the physician members tend to protect their own – “The way they speak is always with ‘doctor care’ in mind. You never hear ‘patient care’ ever—and I mean ever.”
o Great line – “It’s not ideal if a board never thinks of patient care, since patient care is kind of doctors’ whole thing. Without patients, doctors are really just failed urine collectors.”
o When state medical boards do hand down consequences, those consequences can be softened due to a number of dubious factors – In one instance, a board’s report took care to call the doctor “‘a very young and inexperienced physician,’ even though he was 46 at the time and had been practicing for over a decade.”
o One of the most horrific things we heard was that some doctors who commit “sexual violations” against patients can return to work with as little as a three-day “doctor-patient boundaries” class.
o There’s a National Practitioner Data Bank (NPDB) that keeps records of these kinds of issues with doctors, but what do you know, it’s not accessible to the public
o Some doctors lose the ability to practice in their state and simply move to another, with not nearly enough hospitals checking their past records before hiring them – “If you are a doctor with a trail of irreparable harm behind you, it seems that you can just hop around until you find a state that’ll look the other way. It’s just one of the ways that doctors are like Catholic priests, along with having fun outfits that are just fancy pajamas and quietly thinking they’re God.”
· And Now This – People on TV Love to Talk about Their Big Fuckin’ Heads
o I didn’t realize this was apparently such a common thing for people on news shows to talk about, especially in reference to putting on hats.
o One anchor announced, “I have a big head too. Makes my butt look smaller.”
o It seems Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager argue about this so much, they had their heads measured – Hoda said, “As measured by the professionals, I’m a winner. My head’s huge.”
Monday, March 11
· Headlines – State of the Union, Sen. Katie Britt’s GOP rebuttal, Trump’s unconstitutional policies
o Jon said that, with the State of the Union, Biden needed to prove to voters “that he wouldn’t rather just tie thousands of balloons to the White House and fly off to Paradise Falls.”
o He called out people who’ve been saying Biden is too old and weak for a second term, declaring, “I’ve seen you, haters! I know who you are!” – He then pulled out a mirror, making a kissy face and waving at his reflection.
o Jon introduced the Katie Britt rebuttal with, “To the kitchen, Batman!”
o After we watched the clip of Britt doing her “we hear you, we see you” bit in an unsettling whisper, Jon asked, “…If you’re going to stand with me, could you stand a little bit further away?”
o This final unnerving bit from Britt’s rebuttal led Jon into his main topic for the night – “One, who smiles when they say the line ‘steeped in the blood of patriots’? And number two, this is just one more entry in the Republican mythology that they are the inheritors of the American Revolutionary tradition. That they somehow are more American-y than non-Republican Americans.”
o Jon was confused by this claim and traced it back to the GOP’s vocal love for the Constitution – “They give speeches in front of the Constitution. They cover their buses in the Constitution. They dress up like the people who wrote the Constitution. Do you, Communists, with your unconstitutioned buses and zero-cornered hats?”
o The majority of the piece looked at Trump as the leader of the Republican party and how his own statements stack up next to the Constitution. We started with his insistence on complete presidential immunity – Pulling out his handy pocket Constitution, Jon said, “I don’t see anything in here about assassinating your political rivals. …Oh, here it is. It says, ‘The president must faithfully execute.’ Well, I think we’re done here, the law’s the law.”
o Next we had Trump musing about jailing critical journalists, followed by his desire for police/National Guard to “shoot protesters in the leg” during 2020 – “But that’s just hearsay! …From Trump’s Secretary of Defense at the time.”
o When it comes to the Fifth Amendment, we had Trump advocating for shoplifters to be shot – “What the f**k are we doing?!? You know, I’m pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis violates not only the Constitution, but the Ten Commandments and the Gap employee handbook.”
o Naturally, we looked at Trump’s (now-repeated) claim, “I’m only gonna be a dictator for one day!” – Looking out at the audience, Jon told them, “Just so you know, that is how it starts.”
o Great line – “If you wanna love Trump, love him. Go to the rallies, buy his sneakers. You wanna give him absolute power? You want him to be the leader uber alles? You want him to have the right of kings? You do you. But stop framing it as patriotism.”
o Jon ended the piece with a graphic of British redcoats fighting American revolutionaries, saying, “Next time you wanna dress up at the rallies, wear the right f**king color coats.”
· Interview – Scholar/author Steven Levitsky
o Levitsky’s new book is called Tyranny of the Minority.
o He talked about how the Founders made some consequential compromises from the very start to avoid civil war from the outset – “George Washington, just weeks after the Philadelphia Convention, wrote a letter to his nephew describing the Constitution as an imperfect document and saying that it would be up to future generations to improve on it.”
o To that end, looking at the amendments, he said, “It’s really only in our lifetime that we’ve kind of stopped thinking about how to make our system work more democratically, stopped doing the work of improving our democracy.”
Tuesday, March 12
· Headlines – Lara Trump nominated as RNC co-chair, Robert Hur congressional hearing
o Desi and Michael are tag-teaming Tuesday through Thursday this week.
o I loved Desi’s reaction to RNC remarks on Lara Trump’s co-chair nomination – “This is the most Mean Girl introduction I have ever heard. ‘A lot of people think you should be qualified to have a job, but here’s Lara Trump anyway! Take it up with God!’”
o During Robert Hur’s hearing, many Democratic representatives asked him about particular passages from the transcript of Biden’s deposition that hadn’t been included in the special counsel report – To that end, Desi and Michael performed “dramatic readings” from the transcript themselves.”
· Kate Middleton doctored photo accusations
o People have been concerned that Kate Middleton hasn’t been seen since a reported surgery in January, and a recently released photo didn’t offer the proof-of-life assurance that people were looking for.
o After a montage of reporters pointing out different evidence of doctoring in the photo of the princess and her children, Michael said, “You didn’t need to do all that forensic analysis. You know how I know that’s fake? There’s three kids smiling at the same time. As a parent, I know that’s impossible.”
o Desi wasn’t buying the royals’ claim that Middleton herself was the one who “edited” the photo – “You think she’s doing her own Photoshopping? The only thing they know how to do without help is adultery.”
o Grace came on to “reassure” Desi and Michael with some new photos, but they didn’t exactly inspire confidence – Desi pointed out, “Grace, this is obviously manipulated. She’s in front of the Twin Towers.” To which Grace replied, “Yes, but you have to remember, 9/11 didn’t happen in England.”
o For another photo, Desi argued, “The kids all have Al Pacino’s face on them!” – Grace asked, “And just to confirm, we are sure none of her kids are Al Pacino?”
· Interview – Journalist/author Jane Marie
o Marie’s new book, Selling the Dream, is about multi-level market scams.
o When Desi and Michael mentioned pyramid schemes, Marie explained that, for legal reasons, “I can’t call them that” – Apparently, though, no one could stop her from putting a conveniently pyramid-like geometric shape on her cover art.
o Marie laid out just how dire the situation is for people who get sucked into MLMs – “99% make no money or lose money. Only 1% make a dollar, even.”
o She also noted how the “every member recruits five new members” model was unsustainable – “Thirteen levels, and you surpass the population of the Earth.”
o While she acknowledged that 75% of the people roped into MLMs are women, Marie explained that the scams are diversifying their targets to “anyone who is a population who has a hard time getting really good, solid employment.”
o A source from the FTC told her that the U.S. is in a “target-rich environment” for MLMs right now – “We are all desperate. Like, we are all wanting to realize the American Dream and believe this is a meritocracy and believe this is a place where you work hard and you get rewarded for it.”
Wednesday, March 13
· Headlines – Trump and Biden both secure their party’s nomination, Aaron Rodgers is on RFK Jr.’s VP shortlist, South Dakota governor Kristi Noem films dental ad, House passes bill that could ban TikTok
o Both Biden and Trump have won enough delegates to clinch their nomination, “making this a three-man race between Trump, Biden, and ‘natural causes.’”
o This comment about RFK Jr. from Michael made me smile – “He’s polling at 2%, which means he could lose this election more successfully than any third-party candidate in years.”
o Michael summed up a potential Kennedy-Rodgers team-up thusly – “‘This would be the greatest president and vice president pairing of all time,’ is what I’m assuming the measles virus is saying.”
o Desi was perplexed that Kristi Noem filmed a lengthy ad for a dentist in Texas – “Why is a sitting governor doing an ad for veneers, and for a dentist in another state? Isn’t that insulting to South Dakota? ‘I flew to Texas at 2 in the morning because these hillbilly dipshits in my state are that bad! Next week, I’m going to Florida for a haircut!’”
o After a truly baffling clip of a House floor speech by Nancy Pelosi, Michael said, “That’s right. Congress could be banning TikTok. Or tic-tac-toe, I’m not sure Nancy Pelosi knows.”
o This summed it up pretty well – “Yes, obviously there’s a problem with a Chinese app spying on Americans and feeding us propaganda. You want American apps doing that.”
o Representatives’ phones have been ringing off the hook with young people urging them not to support the ban – “That’s how you know this issue is important. It forced Gen Z to make their very first phone call.”
o This made me laugh – “As an American, it’s great that these kids are getting involved in the civic process. You’re never too young to start getting ignored by your congressperson.”
o When Ronny came on to discuss the ban, Desi pointed out, “What choice do our leaders have here? China is using TikTok to influence people” – Ronny replied, “Oh, trust me, I know. Before I used TikTok, I was a white guy in Iowa named Mike Sullivan, okay? Look at me now!”
o Ronny thought that the real key to TikTok was how entertaining it is – “Facebook has just as much misinformation, but it’s boring as shit! How am I supposed to get behind conspiracies that come from your great-aunt who can’t even pop-and-lock?”
o He suggested that America should just create its own app to supplant TikTok – “Because American misinformation is the best in the world, okay? We got people to storm the Capitol dressed as a buffalo! Yo, Gwyneth Paltrow told me to put an egg in my vagina. American misinformation is straight-up turning people into omelets, that’s how powerful it is!”
· Correspondent Piece (Lewis) – Racism in AI
o Lewis waxed about how AI promised to “usher [us] into a new age of enlightenment” – “And show me what I’d look like as a centaur! Tinder matches, here I come!”
o But surprise, surprise, a machine that learns based on human input learns human racism, such as image generators creating mostly dark-skinned people for the prompt “person on welfare” and mostly white guys in suit for “productive person” – “Who knew being a white guy in a suit automatically makes you a productive person? That’s right: me, Hunter Biden, and Don Jr.! All productive members of society, and only one of us can handle my cocaine.”
o Then there’s Google Gemini, which was retrained after similar issues but has now overcorrected, showing racially diverse images when prompted for pictures of German WWII soldiers – “Finally! Every time I’m watching a WWII film, I’m thinking, ‘Boy, these gestapo could use some diversity!’ Like, why are you trying to show me a Black Nazi. Kanye wasn’t alive back then!”
o Amidst all this, Elon Musk previewed his own “anti-woke” AI Grok – “Oh goodie, Elon Musk is here to save us! If anyone can help, it’s the guy who invented cars that blow up.”
o At the end of the segment, Lewis told Michael and Desi, “Back to you, Ken and Barbie!”
· Interview – Actor David Alan Grier
o Grier recently served as the voiceover guy at the Oscars, and he was thrilled to be able to take his daughter along to the ceremony – “When she was a little kid, she told me that she wanted to go to the Oscars. And I was like, ‘Sure, honey,’ but inside, I’m like, ‘F**k! What am I gonna do?!?’”
o Michael admitted he was afraid to say the name of the new film Grier was promoting, The American Society of Magical Negroes – Grier responded, “Why? It’s amazing that people are afraid to say ‘negro’ but not afraid to say ‘n****r.’ That’s the word you should be worried about! ‘Negro’s fine. Don’t worry about ‘negro,’ it’s all right.”
o He broke down the role of the Magical Negro in fixing white people’s lives in movies – “Magical Negroes have a strange array of knowledge. They can fix, like, spaceships, golf swing, you know, solve wars. But they don’t have no family, no home, they just appear.”
o He admitted that, earlier in his career, he tried out for a lot of those kinds of roles, having been told that they were the sort that get people nominated for Oscars and are revered as “sympathetic” Black roles.
o Grier didn’t get cast in any of those roles, though – He summed it up as, “David, you’re not Magical Negro material.”
Thursday, March 14
· Headlines – Trump interview on Newsmax, Elon Musk cancels contract with Don Lemon, another Boeing emergency landing, Russian presidential election
o On Newsmax, Trump was asked if it really is “lonely at the top” – Desi explained, “Trump answered this question the way he answers every question, by saying whatever was on the top of his mind at that moment.”
o And what was that answer? Trump rambled about how he’s treated worse than any other U.S. president, “in terms of badly” – Desi pointed out, “I mean, maybe Lincoln was treated a little bit worse, what with being shot in the head and all.”
o Twitter was supposed to premiere a Don Lemon interview with Elon Musk, but Musk changed his mind when he didn’t like the questions – Michael observed, “When Elon bought Twitter, he was like, ‘This is free speech town square, baby!’ And then any time somebody criticizes him, he’s like, ‘The town square is closed for repairs!’”
o Great line from Desi – “At this point, Boeing’s competitors barely even need PR departments. They look so good for doing just the bare minimum. ‘Airbus: We don’t have any screws leftover in the bag.’”
o All the correspondents joined in for the Russian election coverage – Ronny analyzed the voting map, highlighting a tiny section of blue in a sea of red. He said, “You can see [Putin’s] in real danger of falling below 99% in this region, so we’re gonna have to watch that as the night progresses. I mean, it’s democracy! Anything can happen!”
o Troy, running exit polls, noted that top issues with voters included “not wanting to be pushed out a window” and “not wanting to be poisoned.”
o When Michael asked Jordan if he was going to do his “fingers the pulse” bit with Putin supporters, Jordan exclaimed, “No, Michael! Everyone is normal here and I have no reason to question or subversively mock anyone, okay? Putin 2024!”
o Michael asked in surprise, “[Putin] has another election this November?” – Jordan answered, “Oh, a big one! Just, not in Russia.”
o Florida is one of the most popular spring break destinations, “where the beaches are as bountiful as the meth dealers.”
o However, Miami has put heavy restrictions in place to deter spring breakers – Desi wondered, “And who’s in Miami to get upset with spring break? One in three people there is a DJ. Are they like, ‘Keep it down! I’m trying to be super loud over here!’”
o Meanwhile, in Ft. Lauderdale, police are taking advantage of the college-age party crowd for recruitment.
o Michael and Desi both had some great lines of prospective pitches for police offers to give spring breakers – My favorites included, “I see you’re blowing all your parents’ money. How’d you like to blow an entire city’s money?” and, “I see you’re not solving a murder at the moment. Would you like to get paid to not solve a murder?”
· Interview – Actress Renée Elise Goldsberry
o Michael rattled off some of Goldsberry’s Broadway credits, somehow managing to miss Hamilton – She joked, “I love that you missed it.”
o When asked how she roots for her ridiculous, selfish character on Girls5Eva, Goldsberry said, “Well, I root for her!”
o She elaborated, speaking about her own dreams and feeling held back by thinking they’re unrealistic at this stage in her life – “I love the fact that I’m on this show where someone is trying. I love the fact that this crazy group of people give themselves the license to dream.”
o She also said, “There are women of every age that are killing it right now. We should be celebrating those women, because they are inspiring us that it is never too late—to have a country album, Beyoncé! It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.”
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