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Sunday, April 2
· Recap of the Week – Trump indictment, French pension protests
o Prior to announcing Trump’s indictment, John joked, “Look, I know I normally say it’s been a busy week, but to be honest, this one’s been a bit slow.”
o I loved John’s reaction to the news that some French firefighters are joining the protests, even as the streets burn – “It’s true. People are so pissed at what Macron’s been doing that firefighters have started siding with fire instead of him.”
o John pointed out that, even if France raises its retirement age from 62 to 64, it will still be positioned well for a developed nation – After noting that Germany’s retirement age is 65 and Italy’s is 67, he said, “And in the U.S., the retirement age is ‘No.’”
o John was no fan of Emmanuel Macron’s weak attempt to pacify the protesters – “Hold on: ‘We’re open to a dialogue, just not the kind you want.’ So what would you even talk about then? ‘Thank you, protesters, for agreeing to meet with me. Do you think soup and stew are different things, or maybe not?’”
· And Now This – The Last Remaining Sliver of Morality in Tucker Carlson’s Head Tries to Give Him Some Advice
o This was a great montage of Tucker Carlson snapping, “Shut up, racist!” – It was always in the context of his impression of liberals, but with the way he’d just blurt it out between sentences, it really did seem like one part of his brain rebelling against the rest.
o I laughed at the time he followed it up with, “And there’s more where that came from.”
· Main Story – Solitary Confinement
o Unsurprisingly, there are plenty of horrible statistics in this story – on any given day, approximately 90,000 people are in solitary confinement in the U.S.
o After a clip of a long exchange in which a prison official short-circuited at a congressional hearing when he was asked for the average dimensions of a cell, John told us it was 6x9 feet.
o One incarcerated man put it very succinctly – “Ask yourself, can you live in a bathroom for 10 years?”
o We listened to a short clip recorded outside a solitary block, where there was near constantly banging, shouting, and moaning – “Holy shit! How are you supposed to think in there, let alone sleep? There is a reason people fall asleep to ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ and not ‘Sounds of One of Those Haunted Houses Where You Have to Sign a Waiver to Get In.’”
o John noted that some people are trying to ditch the name “solitary confinement,” knowing its rapidly depleting reputation, but still keep the practice. One of these people was NYC mayor Eric Adams – “Yeah, Adams doesn’t support ‘solitary confinement,’ but he’s all in on ‘punitive segregation,’ an interesting distinction considering that the New York Board of Corrections’ own website says that punitive segregation ‘is also known as solitary confinement.’”
o While prison officials like to say that solitary is necessary as a means of dealing with violence inmates, we learned that the most common reason inmates are thrown in solitary is simply disobedience – Some of these “offenses” included, “not making their bed,” “using Facebook,” and “having too many envelopes.”
o Meanwhile, LGBTQ inmates are sometimes put in solitary “for their own safety” against hostility of fellow inmates – “Think how absurd that logic is. ‘The only way we can keep you safe is to inflict enormous harm on you.’ It’s like arguing the only way to keep you hydrated is to waterboard you.”
o Fortunately, a small number of prisons are dedicated to change. One official put it this way – “85% of these inmates are going to be [getting released someday and] hitting the street. So we can either make them worse, create more victims when they go out on the street, or we can rehabilitate them.”
o After hearing the heartbreaking testimony of a man who’s no longer in prison but can’t recover from his long stints in solitary, John said, “Solitary isn’t something we do to people behind bars. It’s something we do to them forever.”
· And Now This – Nobody Reports the News Like Fox 26’s Isiah Carey
o This was categorically hysterical, with priceless lead-in lines like, “There really may be a thing as too much damn ass.”
o I also loved, “Now to thirsty-ass thieves who will steal wet out of water to get what their broke asses want.”
· Finally – Mickey Mouse copyright to expire in 2024
o Good joke about the Winnie the Pooh horror movie, since Pooh has recently fallen out of copyright – “Right. Winnie the Pooh is cuddly and fun. He’s an important role model for woodlands bears, especially now when they have so many really bad ones,” with a perfectly apt graphic of Cocaine Bear.
o With the original Steamboat Willie version of Mickey Mouse soon to follow, John naturally premiered a Mickey Mouse mascot for the show – “You know what? Great news! As of January the first next year, this mascot costume will be available to you for birthday parties, theme park openings, funerals, sex dungeons—basically whatever you want to use it for.”
We’re starting a round of correspondent guest hosts. First up was Roy Wood Jr.!
Monday, April 3
· Headlines – NCAA women’s championship, Trump indictment
o As Roy expressed how grateful he was for this opportunity and thanked various folks who helped him along the way, he added, “Most importantly, I’ve gotta thank Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, for hooking a brother up with an indictment during my week.”
o I laughed at Roy’s take on the over-the-top reaction to Angel Reese and Caitlin Clark’s interactions during the NCAA finals – “Personally, I think trash talk is good for sports. Sports is better when there’s trash talk—even better when they might start a race war.”
o Roy noted that Clark wasn’t upset by Reese’s trash talk, but he pointed out, “LSU might’ve created a monster. The last thing you want in your life is a white woman with a grudge. You’ve seen them movies!”
o Loved this line – “You know Trump gotta be mad. He paid all that hush money, and didn’t anybody hush.”
o This was a fantastic bit – “To be honest, I kinda feel sorry for the Secret Service. You get assigned to a former president, you supposed to be going to baseball games, windsurfing. You get assigned to Trump, you gotta go to Riker’s!”
o Roy expanded on that idea, saying, “You gotta take a shank for this man, you gotta taste test the toilet wine, make sure it ain’t poisoned. You gotta dig the escape tunnel, then dump the dirt in the softball field.”
o Unsurprisingly, Trump has been using his indictment as a fundraising opportunity – “Hillary sitting here like, ‘$5 million dollars—hell, maybe they should’ve locked me up!’”
o Good bit – “But as passionate as Republicans are, you gotta give ‘em credit. This case is being quarterbacked by a Black district attorney, and not once have they called him the N-word! That’s amazing.”
o Roy stopped by the desk to weigh in – “Of course getting arrested is gonna help Trump! You know how badass he’s going to look walking into the Republican debates with a face tattoo?”
o This was a great line, about the “persecuted martyr” angle among Trump supporters – “He’s gonna be the Nelson Mandela of the people who put Nelson Mandela in jail.”
· Host Piece – The "Stop Woke" Act
o Roy talked to a Florida legislator who supports the "Stop Woke" Act. Roy tried to sell him on teaching about race with the idea of teaching about “good” white people, like Brad Pitt’s character in 12 Years a Slave – When the legislator expressed uncertainty at that, Roy exclaimed, “You didn’t know about Brad Pitt! I just educated you!”
o This led into a bit with Roy teaching a “Great Whites” history class – I liked how he snuck in facts about race under his breath, like mentioning George Washington’s slaves or noting that Thomas Edison’s invention(?) of the camera is what allows people to record police brutality today.
o Another example were the white guys on Michael Jordan’s team – “Jordan led the league in scoring ten times, thanks to great whites who passed him the ball. They could’ve easily led the league in scoring themselves, but out of sheer selflessness, those great whites let Michael do it instead.”
· Interview – Sen. Cory Booker
o Roy expressed concern about Congress’s ability to get anything passed this year as the media puts all its attention on Trump’s indictment – Booker remained confident, but Roy said, “Trump has a way of sucking the wind out of conversations.”
o Booker talked about his complicated feelings about the indictment, believing in the rule of law and knowing Trump needs to be held accountable, but also knowing how broken the U.S. criminal justice system is.
o He said he wanted to focus his own efforts, not on Trump, but on reform – He backed his view up with statistics like, “One out of every three women incarcerated on the planet Earth, about, are in the United States of America.”
Tuesday, April 4
· Headlines – Trump’s arraignment
o After opening “the indictment circus” with a baton and carnival music, Roy flatly said, “Anyway, it’s a somber day for democracy, and this shit’s gonna be exhausting.”
o Good line – “Look at how sad Trump looks. My man looks like somebody told him his dog died, or that Mike Pence is still alive.”
o Roy side-eyed Trump’s ill-fitting suit at his arraignment – “Why would you do that? Gwyneth Paltrow showed you the cheat code, boy! You got to dress like you don’t give a f**k. You got to dress for court like you on your way to somewhere else.”
o Loved this – “Trump supporters swarmed downtown Manhattan and filled the streets with red, white, and blue. It was like a Puerto Rican Day parade for people who want to deport Puerto Ricans.”
o For all that Trump has been bemoaning his treatment, Roy pointed out that he chose to be arraigned in person, since he was given the option to stay in Florida and do it over Zoom – “Trump wants the publicity. Look at how he came out of Trump Tower this morning, giving the Black Power fist like a real political prisoner.”
o This was an excellent point – “I’ll say this: Donald Trump deserves a fair trial, but I also want Trump to get the full American criminal justice experience, which was not what happened today. My man got to schedule his visit to the courthouse like he the cable man!”
o Very well said – “I’m disappointed, because today shows how humane our courts could be. Some of the people here get dragged into this legal system, and it’s humiliating. You get handcuffed. You get gawked at. You wait days, sometimes months for an arraignment.”
o Jon Stewart stopped by to weigh in, and they did a bit where Roy “didn’t know” who he was – When Jon explained, “I actually hosted,” Roy exclaimed, “The Daily Show had a white host?”
o They also didn’t discuss the arraignment much, because Roy got distracted by Jon’s Obi-Wan Kenobi get-up (suggesting he was the wise mentor advising the young guest host) – Roy kept wanting to take the analogy too far, with lines like, “Because, if I’m Luke and Trump is Vader…that means Trump killed you!”
· Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – Trump supporter courthouse protests
o Jordan didn’t talk to many on-the-ground Trump supporters this time around. Instead, this was a short bit that mostly involved him trying to shout questions at the legislators who joined the crowd.
o It was an easy joke, but it made me smile – “Marjorie, are you afraid Trump will be mistreated by the gazpacho police?”
o Jordan pressed through the crowd to follow George Santos, yelling things like, “Tell us about your volleyball!”
· Interview – Actress/creator Robin Thede
o Roy praised Thede and the other women behind A Black Lady Sketch Show – He said, “In this era of so many other channels going, ‘We don’t know what diversity is! What is the talented Black woman?’, where do you find ‘em? Did you hire all of them?”
o Thede in turn sang the praises of the actresses, from the main cast to the many illustrious guest stars – She noted how amazing it was to get Angela Bassett to appear in a sketch, then revealed that Bassett told her she’d not done anything like this before because “nobody asked [her] to do comedy.”
o It came down to this – “I find talent by opening my eyes. And that’s what people need to do. They’re everywhere! We’re everywhere. We are everywhere doing this.”
Wednesday, April 5
· Headlines – Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Trump’s post-arraignment speech
o Roy wasn’t bothered by Dan Kelly’s harsh words after he lost the Wisconsin Supreme Court election to Janet Protasiewicz – “I say, as long as you accept the outcome, you get to talk shit. Yeah, you let me spend millions running for judge, and then I lose? I run millions and I lose? Oh baby, I’m up on that podium like Samuel L. Jackson. ‘Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!!!’”
o Loved this comment about Trump returning to Mar-a-Lago after his arraignment – “Because as you know, Florida does not have an extradition treaty with the United States.”
o Roy couldn’t understand why anyone, even Trump supporters, are still excited to hear him speak – “Donald Trump is a comedian who ain’t changed his act in years. You know what he gonna do! ‘Liberal media be doing this, and Joe Biden and them, they be doing this! Y’all know I don’t lie! C’mon now, DJ, kick it!’”
o Trump not only derided his judge, calling him a “Trump hater,” but he also spoke against the judge’s wife and family – Roy said, “You don’t pull the kids into this. Even rappers don’t go after the kids, and they murder each other!”
o Of course, Roy pointed out that the judge might not be the only one with a “Trump-hating wife” – “Even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech, but his own wife didn’t show up. And the speech was at the house! Melania didn’t even come downstairs, she just opened up the bedroom door. ‘Oh, you’re back from prison already?’”
· Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – Trump supporters’ reaction to indictment
o Okay, this was more like Jordan’s typical pieces, from the same courthouse protests – One Trump supporter he talked to was adamant that the charges needed to be dropped but struggled to explain why, finally just saying, “…I’m going by a general gut feeling.”
o When another Trump supporter argued that the case wasn’t worth bringing to court, Jordan got him to agree with this statement – “And out of all the cases against Donald Trump, this is probably the weakest one.”
· Interview – Actor/producer Cedric the Entertainer
o Roy’s first question for Cedric was about all his hats – “Does your wife have any room for her shoes?”
o Cedric was there to talk about The Neighborhood, which will sooner air its 100th episode – “We wanted to be able to tell a story of, like, how you feel when things—‘cause you do want growth in your neighborhood. You do want a Starbucks and a Whole Foods, but you don’t wanna do that without losing the culture, you know what I’m saying?”
Thursday, April 6
· Headlines – Chipotle sues Sweetgreen over burrito bowls, Clarence Thomas corruption scandal, Jill Biden’s NCAA comments
o This line about the Chipotle lawsuit cracked me up – “That’s right. The two whitest restaurants in America are fighting over who gets to use a Mexican word.”
o It turns out Justice Thomas has been taking undisclosed luxury trips for years, paid for by a Republican mega donor – “I’m sure this billionaire Republican didn’t want to influence nobody. No, no, he just wanted to go on vacation with Clarence Thomas because, you know, because we all know that Clarence Thomas is clearly a bag of fun.”
o Roy side eyed Dr. Biden’s suggestion that Iowa join LSU in visiting the White House, even though LSU are the NCAA champs – “She’s talking about peace and unity, y’all! Why shouldn’t the losers be standing proud with the winners?”
o Roy and Desi had a really fun bit debating why Dr. Biden’s remarks were problematic, with Desi arguing that it was racism and Roy arguing that it was sexism – I laughed so hard as Desi saying, “If I may quote Malcolm X…”, to which Roy swiftly replied, “No, no, no, you may not.”
o Meanwhile, to bolster his sexism argument, Roy explained, “And I know what I’m talking about because I watched Handmaid’s Tale for a couple seasons.”
·
Long Story Short – College degrees
o The price of college in the U.S. has risen 500% in the last 40 years, yeesh.
o Some American students are turning to Europe for affordable college – “How crazy is it that studying abroad—studying abroad, that used to be for rich kids. That was for pretentious rich people. Now if you a baller, you need to go to school in America. ‘Oh, you studied in Berlin? You broke bitch. I went to the Ohio State University. Fetch me caviar!’’
o I laughed at Roy’s reaction to hearing that journalism majors like him have the highest level of regret after college, thinking their degree wasn’t worth it – “I have no regrets about going to school and learning journalism, just to get on TV and play a fake journalist!”
o Roy also noted that having a college degree no one sets people apart to potential employers – While only 8% of job seekers went to college in1960, that number is close to 40% now.
o To put it short, “We’ve got people spending more money than ever to get a degree that means less than ever.”
· Interview - Author Jerry Craft
o Craft was there to talk about his graphic novel School Trip.
o Roy noted that the book had been the target of bans, even though it’s the third in a series and the first two weren’t met with those sorts of objections – Craft replied, “That’s the point of it. They can read it in Albanian, Romanian, Greek, they just can’t read it in Texas.”
o Craft told a story about a teacher who said her underserved students wouldn’t be able to “relate” to School Trip, so she wouldn’t have it in her classroom – “You’re saying a kid can relate to a kid who goes to wizard school, flies on a broom, and waves a wand, but you can’t picture these Black kids going to Paris, so you’re not going to let them see the book. That’s worse than being banned.”
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