News Satire Roundup: May 8th

Sunday, May 8

·        Main Story – Abortion ruling

o   Given all that’s been going on, we had two main stories this week – “This has been a truly terrible week, one that started with two Jared Letos at the Met Gala and then somehow managed to get even worse from there.”

o   Justice Alito’s insistence that abortion rights aren’t “deeply rooted” in the nation’s history led John back to the Founders – “I don’t know why these particular individuals didn’t have abortion on the forefront of their minds. There must be some explanation. I just can’t quite place the exact reason, but it is on the tip of my penis.”

o   Because the statistics need to be said – 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, and 6 in 10 of them already have other children.

o   John took issue with the flippant tone in a Fox News host’s claim that women in need of abortion services in states with bans can simply move to another state – “Okay, first, ‘where it’s more of a free-for-all’? Let’s just get one thing straight. If you move to Delaware, you’re not in some bacchanalian buy-one-get-one-free abortion paradise, you’re just in Wilmington. I just don’t want anyone to be disappointed when they visit.”

o   Great response to a video of a pro-life lawyer being interviewed after Roe was initially decided – “Wow. ‘Women have 1/3 of the rights involved.’ Honestly, that is kind of perfect, because if there is one thing we love to do in America, it’s turn everyone who isn’t a straight white man into a fucking fraction. That’s something that truly is ‘deeply rooted in the nation’s history and traditions.’”

o   While what happened this week was awful, John also pointed out the 49 years of opportunities that Congress had to codify Roe at the federal level – “Sadly, that has been emblematic of Democrats’ approach, offering vague statements in support while abortion has been specifically under attack, and all the while, Republicans have focused on this issue with relentless determination.”

o   And of course, John noted other rights from recent decades that would very well find themselves on the chopping block – “The fact is, under the current Supreme Court, your basic rights today could become crimes tomorrow.”

o   I appreciated this sentiment – “I also get why ‘Just Vote’ is an infuriatingly insufficient slogan when voting rights themselves are under siege. I cannot defend the system we currently have, but it is unfortunately the one we’ve got right now. So electoral victories are going to be critical here, but they must also be followed by concrete actions by those who win elections, because Republicans, if nothing else, just grimly demonstrated what committed action can actually achieve.”

o   Excellent closing line – “This week, we have all been reminded of what the most marginalized people in this country have known for years. That freedoms are never guaranteed. They are hard-won and they are easily lost. Progress requires a focused, sustained struggle, a willingness to disrupt everyday life, and actual courage from the people we choose to lead us.”

·        And Now This – May the 4^th

o   In which local news anchors tried to muster up excitement for Star Wars Day – I chuckled at one anchor saying, “We know how much you love today,” which was followed by his colleague adding, through all but gritted teeth, “We really look forward to it.”

o   One anchor summed up his admiration for Han Solo (whose name he couldn’t remember) thusly – “So cool! That spaceship…. And he got all the women!”

·        Main Story – Philippines election

o   It’s a good thing that Roderigo Duterte will no longer be president of the Philippines, thanks to their single-term limits – Among other horrific actions and statements, he’s said publicly, “Just because you’re a journalist you’re are not exempted from assassination, if you’re a son of a bitch.”

o   Unfortunately, their new election isn’t quite about moving forward – Duterte’s daughter is running for vice president, and Ferdinand Bongbong Marcos Jr., the son of another of the country’s oppressive rulers, is running for president.

o   Over the course of the first Marcos’s presidency, he and his wife embezzled $10 billion, which the Guinness Book of World Records has named “the greatest robbery of a government” – “And it is weird for them to be handing out records for such a terrible thing. It’s like giving Lee Harvey Oswald an award for ‘most JFKs shot.’”

o   I loved this line – “The Marcoses are sort of the British Museum of families in that most of what they have is fucking stolen.”

o   While John acknowledged that “Bongbong is not innately responsible for the actions of his father,” he 1) obviously benefited from the family’s ill-gotten wealth, 2) has demonstrated no interest in making it up to the people, and 3) has plenty to gain by the power of the presidency.

o   I loved John’s reaction to Bongbong’s wife claiming that he had a sudden revelation to run for president while they were watching Ant Man – “No fucking way. That did not happen! I am calling total bullshit on the idea that Bongbong decided to run for president, out of nowhere, mid-Marvel film.”

o   At the end of the story, John had a message for any Filipino viewers who might be watching – I loved the line, “I do get why you’d be skeptical about a breakdown of your politics from someone with what I can only describe as Big Colonizer Energy.”

·        And Now This – Cinco de Mayo

o   More local news amusement, this time a montage of one particular weatherman taking every opportunity to pepper his weather reporters with Spanish during Cinco de Mayo – Unprompted, we got “el cielo,” “el sol,” and “little fiesta, then a quick siesta,” among others.