News Satire Roundup: May 15th

Sunday, May 15

·        Headlines – Eurovision, Alabama’s transgender youth ban

o   It was nice to start out with the fun of Eurovision, like John’s utter love for the fever dream that was the entry from Norway – “Yes. Every part of that gets a big yes from me. From the dress code which can only be described as ‘werewolf applying for a loan,’ to the sexy Business Minion back-up dancers, to the Fosse-meets-2008-Gaga choreography, to the lines, ‘Is that saliva or blood drippin’ off your chin?’, the horniest lyric since all of Montero, immediately followed by, ‘If you don’t like the name Keith Imma call you Jim,’ which is pure chaos.”

o   We also got a taste of the performance from Latvia, which opened with the line, “Instead of meat, I eat veggies and pussy.” – “I mean, come on! Are you not entertained?”

o   John had no patience for Alabama governor Kay Ivey acting like numerous leading medical associations don’t agree on the importance of gender-affirming care for trans youth – “Okay, first, fuck you. Second, ‘summer’s hot, ocean’s big’ doesn’t sound like the wind up to denying trans people their rights. It sounds like a children’s book the author wrote while hungover. ‘Summer’s hot, ocean’s big. I don’t know, what more do you fucking kids want from me?’”

o   I loved John’s response to a doctor testifying at an Alabama Senate hearing, debunking misnomers about the kind of treatment trans kids receive – “Yeah, of course doctors are going be thoughtful and rigorous when caring for their patients, because unlike the Alabama legislatures, they actually care about kids’ well-being.”

o   At the end of the piece, John had a nice message specifically for trans youth in Alabama – “You are important. Your lives are important. I cannot imagine trying to build self-esteem in childhood as your own government attempts to undermine your very existence, but you should know you are profoundly valuable and you are irreplaceable.”

·        And Now This – Alison Hammond

o   Cute montage of a British morning news show personality absolutely busting up laughing at the slightest provocation. It was nice.

·        Main Story – Utilities

o   The story opened on the twist that one of the Property Brothers made a surprisingly-good documentary about how effective monopolies among utility companies squeeze working communities. John’s delivery on this bit made me laugh – “And if you’re wondering which Property Brother that is, I’ll give you a clue: it is the circumcised one. Now, if you don’t know which Property Brother is circumcised, you’re clearly not that big a fan of the Property Brothers.”

o   John explained how utility companies are incentivized to undertake new projects, whether necessary or not, because they pay for them (along with a bump in profit) through raising customers’ bills – “It’s just like if HBO only paid me for every time I got weirdly horny for an animal. Except, that’s actually a bad example, because the show would pretty much look exactly like it already does.” Naturally, the next graphic was that of a cheetah with what John might describe as a smoldering glare, to which he added, “Not now! Not now, I’m trying to make a point. Go away before I change my mind!”

o   Unfortunately but unsurprisingly, there are plenty of ways utility companies screw customers besides overcharging them and making them pay for needless projects – For instance, “they can deliberately stifle innovation that might make power cheaper or might be a net benefit to society.”

o   John didn’t buy the excuses of a utility company exec explaining why they worked so aggressively to shut down a solar-power company – “Wait, wait, wait. ‘Just the way it’s been’ has historically never been a great justification for something still happening.”

o   While in theory, Public Utilities Commissions are there to keep private companies in check, that doesn’t always happen – This is especially true in states like Alabama, where one commissioner was quoted saying, “The so-called ‘climate change crisis’ is about as real as unicorns and little green men from Mars.”

o   California’s PG&E got plenty of well-deserved scathing criticism – I enjoyed the sampling of one-star Yelp reviews John read aloud, my favorite being, “Fuck you, PG&E. Your day will come.”

o   Exhibit A in PG&E’s terribleness – “In one three-year time span, it was responsible for around 1,500 fires. That’s an average of more than one fire a day. And at that point, PG&E are less a utility and more a fire company that occasionally also delivers power to people’s homes.”

o   Early in the story, John shared the existence of Reddy Kilowatt an old-timey utility company mascot that John was patently unsettled by but naturally brought to life at the end of the show – “Yep, this is creepy. I’m already regretting this.”

o   I’ve gotta say, the show nailed Reddy as a stand-in for utility companies – “The world is my monopoly, and I alone control it! You want to use your refrigerator? You want your fucking lights to go on and off? Then your local utility is your god!”