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Sunday, May 19
· Recap of the Week – College graduation commencement addresses, rise of far-right AfD party in Germany
o We touched on commencement speakers from Harrison Butker to Joe Biden, and one college had their commencement delivered by an A.I. robot – “Yeah, they had a robot address their graduating students with remarks prepared by A.I. And I’m sure the students will remember those stirring words as robots take all of their jobs before eventually tracking them down when they’re hiding in an abandoned warehouse during humanity’s final hours.”
o A leader in Germany’s AfD party was recently charged for using a Nazi slogan, though he claimed he hadn’t known what it was – John called bullshit on that, given that he was a former history teacher.
o We saw a kid interviewing another AfD leader, who argued that schools need to teach more German poems to instill a better sense of culture and pride. When the kid points out that they already learn a lot of German poems in schools and asked the politician his favorite, he couldn’t name a single one – “Good for that kid, embarrassing a politician while also managing to complain about homework! That has to be embarrassing for that man, getting destroyed by someone whose mom is picking them up after this interview.”
o Valid – “Between the attempted assassination of a Central European leader and the rise of a far-right party in Germany, Europe really seems to be playing the 20th century hits right now, even if at least one of their former history teachers refuses to see the similarity.”
· And Now This – Please Enjoy Some Better Names for the Dogs from This Year’s Westminster Dog Show
o We got random words like “Shopping,” and there was the entertaining “Lady Business.”
o I liked that the show named two separate “tough”-looking breeds “Jason Statham.”
o Okay, the dog they named “The Reincarnation of King Charles III” was actually pretty spot on.
· Main Story – Corn production
o We opened on various politicians pandering to corn farmers, including Trump going on a tangent about coming up with the phrase “non-liquid gold” to describe corn – “Yeah, but did you, though? Because ‘non-liquid gold’ isn’t so much a way of describing corn as it is a way of describing regular gold. That’s a level of non-innovation innovation that we haven’t seen since Lyft invented something called Lyft Shuffle, which was—and this is true!—the bus.”
o While cornfields cover 5% of the U.S., only 1% of the total corn produced is for direct human consumption.
o The rest is dent corn, which is grown for a variety of uses, but mainly livestock feed and ethanol.
o One of the things we looked at was federal surplus protections, which incentivize farmers to grow more than they need without taking on much risk, but that results in way more corn than anyone actually needs.
o Great line – “It is not like corn is the only crop that is subsidized in this way. You could make similar criticisms of wheat or soybeans. But the biggest share of these subsidies in recent decades have gone to corn, far surpassing that of any other crop. Basically, in the world of agricultural products, corn is the unquestionable superstar: beans wanna be it, oats wanna fuck it.”
o Growing the same corn year after year requires treating the soil with nitrates – when high levels of runoff make their way into drinking water, it reduces oxygen in the blood creating a dangerous condition in children known as “blue baby syndrome.”
o John said, “I think we should all agree no child should ever be turned blue, unless they disobeyed Mr. Wonka’s clear instructions about not trying the chewing gum and are now suffering the only slightly disproportionate consequences.”
o Excess nitrates also get into rivers and bodies of water, where they create oxygen-starved “dead zones” that kill fish – Up to 15% of Chesapeake Bay turns into a dead zone during periods of high runoff, while the Gulf of Mexico has a dead zone the size of New Jersey!
o When ethanol was first taking off, an agricultural leader described it as the most widely-beneficial thing to happen to America since Pearl Harbor(???), lately doubling down and saying, “It’s that Pearl Harbor we need” – “Okay, the first time he said this, I thought, ‘I don’t think Al Mavis knows what Pearl Harbor is.’ The second time, I thought, ‘Maybe I don’t know what Pearl Harbor is!’”
Monday, May 20
· Headlines – Reactions to Harrison Butker’s commencement address
o Jon touched on a few different things before getting into the Harrison Butker story, including Michael Cohen admitting during cross-examination that he stole money from the Trump Organization – “Only in a Donald Trump trial could the star witness end up being the one who goes to jail.”
o Jon summed up the sexist message to female graduates in Butker’s speech like this – “Apparently, ‘Enjoy the PTA, bitch,’ is not the advice you wanna hear when you’re $100,000 in debt, earning a degree in mechanical engineering.”
o But despite the handwringing from right-wing outlets over Butker being “canceled,” he’s still a rich football player, and the White House press secretary made it clear that he’s still invited to the White House with the rest of the Kansas City Chiefs – “Look, Jerry Seinfeld took more shit over the last two weeks promoting a Pop-Tart movie than Harrison Butker did for his entire speech.”
o Jon pointed out that this is a pattern with right-wing figures, writing books and hosting podcasts and giving keynote speeches at conventions about how “censored” they are – “Conservatives have an entire industry devoted to complaining about not being allowed to say the things they say all the time! Their victimhood is the entire brand.”
o To demonstrate, we watched a montage of Fox News hosts – Each of them got two date-stamped clips, one of them complaining about things you’re “not allowed to say anymore!” (like “homeless” or “illegals,”) followed by a later one of them saying the very thing they claim they can’t say.
o Jon conceded, “It is absolutely true that in our modern social-media-driven society, our interactions are incentivized, and monetized, for outrage. And it is f**king exhausting, for everyone” – He then pointed out that this outrage comes from all sides and targets basically everyone.
o However, he argued that the majority of conservatives who are “canceled” don’t actually lose their jobs or positions over speaking their views.
o One major exception, though, was Liz Cheney, who was removed from GOP House leadership over speaking out against January 6th – “As irony would have it, when it comes to cancel culture, the ones who smelt it dealt it.”
o We looked at other examples of GOP folks beings booed or shouted down by MAGA for criticizing Trump – “The truth is, Trump is the real cancel culture, emphasis on ‘cult.’ Because on the right, you can say whatever the f**k you want about gay people and trans people from TikTok to Patreon. You can cry ‘DEI’ from podcasts to, I dunno, the governor’s office of Florida. And chances are, not only will you be fine, you’ll get a raise. But if you ever dare speak out one iota against Donald Trump, be yes afraid.”
· Interview – Commission for Presidential Debates co-chair Frank Fahrenkopf
o With the news that Biden and Trump have agreed to debates not organized by the commission, Fahrenkopf was there to argue the case for official presidential debates – “We look at it in two ways, Jon. Not only are they answering the questions about issues that are important to the people—what they wanna hear. But you learn an awful lot about the personality, the attitude of the person, how they conduct themselves in the debates.”
o Jon argued, “Are we clinging to an institution that nobody is particularly satisfied with, whether they think the moderators are too partisan, whether they think the rules are too archaic or too steeped in Robert’s Rules of Order? And we’re not working hard enough to design a system that will help our democracy flourish rather than just become sensationalistic fodder.”
Tuesday, May 21
· Headlines – Trump doesn’t testify in hush money trial, Rudy Giuliani launches coffee brand, Australian billionaire angry about portrait in art exhibit, Scarlett Johansson speaks out against OpenAI over chatbot’s voice
o Good bit – “Donald Trump has been saying for months how much he wants to testify. He’s like, ‘Let’s do it! Swear me in on that shiny book that Mike Pence is always blah-blah-blah-ing about.’”
o Michael suspected that Giuliani was selling coffee in part to have pay for his legal settlements – “Look, I’m glad there’s finally a coffee commercial that’s somehow creepier than the Folger’s one where the brother and sister clearly wanna bone each other.”
o Michael was disappointed with the Australian billionaire’s dissatisfied response to her portrait – “Even if you don’t like it, don’t whine about it. Whining is what the rest of us do. Whining is free! You have money! Just pay another artist to paint a flattering portrait of you, then buy the museum and hang your portrait over the other portrait. Then burn the museum down for the insurance money, and you end up making a profit. Billionaire shit, let’s go!”
o After Scarlett Johansson declined to be the voice of OpenAI, they designed a voice that sounded eerily similar to hers anyway – Dick move, and now she’s considering her legal options.
o Ronny thought the OpenAI situation was emblematic of nerds taking over too much – “We gave them too much power, and look what happened! They took over our financial system, and now it’s full of crypto. We let them build our tech industry, and now we’re all mentally ill from social media. We even shaped our pop culture to cater to them, and we got 20 years of nothing but shitty superhero movies. Except the Asian ones, those are great!”
· Sketch – Kamala Harris’s Holistic Thought Advisor
o This was one of the show’s “the people behind the people” bits – In this case, it was Desi stepping in as the woman responsible for Harris’s wait—what??? public statements.
o Case in point, here was how Desi described her job – “What do we mean when we say that? It means that I am the one by whom the thoughts are being advised, from a place of advisement.”
o This made me chuckle – “Whenever the vice president gets a speech from her staff, the first thing I do is cut out all the words, individually. And then I take those words to my word cave.”
· Interview – Author Sebastian Junger
o Junger’s book In My Time of Dying looks at his own near-death experience from an aneurysm and examines what he took away from that.
o He recalls being on the operating table and having his dead father appearing over him with words of comfort and encouragement – “And I was like, ‘You’re dead! I’m not going with you!’”
o This was an interesting perspective – “We might understand reality like a dog understands a television screen. Like, there’s no concept of the greater reality that’s producing the image that the dog sees, that we see.”
o This was Junger’s ultimate takeaway from his brush with death – “None of us know that this isn’t our last day. No one in this room, no one on this earth knows this isn’t their last day. So who do you wanna be on your last day? Be that person on every day.”
Wednesday, May 22
· Headlines – Poll on the economy, RFK Jr. caters to Reddit traders, vials of blood sent to RNC headquarters, Trump claims Biden is trying to assassinate him
o In a recent poll, around half of respondents thought we were in a recession, the Dow was going down, and unemployment was at a 50-year high, despite the opposite being true of all three – “Maybe it’s just me, but maybe as a society, we shouldn’t have replaced newspapers with dudes ranting in cars.”
o Hee! – “Someone sent blood to the RNC? I guess it could just be Rudy Giuliani’s lunch order.”
o Loved this line – “But seriously, don’t send blood to the RNC, that’s reckless! You might end up on their mailing list.”
o Michael thought Trump’s claims that Biden will stop at nothing to “take [him] out” was making Biden sound cooler than he’s ever been – He envisioned Biden as an Expendables character, cocking his gun as he said, “The rest of you take who you want, but leave the orange man to me. Can you tape Wheel of Fortune? This might take a little while.”
o Josh, however, reported from the Trump assassination office at Biden’s campaign, confirming that Biden very much does want to kill Trump – “What do you think KFC is? You think it’s just a business? No, it’s a 77-year plan to clog up Trump’s arteries, all right?”
o Michael was concerned that these convoluted assassination attempts would distract Biden and cost him the election, but Josh was undeterred – “Exactly. And the stress of that job will kill Trump for sure”
o Then Michael pointed out that Trump was already president and didn’t die – Josh replied, “Yeah, for one term. But give him three or four more terms and he’s done for, okay? That’s the Biden brain, baby!”
· Correspondent Piece (Troy) – Enthusiasm for Biden
o One Democrat Troy talked to rated his excitement for Biden at 2-3 out of 10 – As a comparison, Troy asked how he’d rate “seeing some really beautiful latte art,” and he said, “I’d put that probably as a 5.”
o Troy asked another Democrat where she’d put herself on the “Physician’s Pain Rating Scale” when she thought about voting for Biden.
o One guy halfheartedly pointed out, “I expect him to kinda behave as a president, as opposed to a child.”
o However, Troy met what he believes to be the only Biden superfan – This guy had life-sized cardboard cutouts of both Biden and Harris in his trunk (because his boyfriend wouldn’t let him display them at home.)
o The gung-ho Biden guy traced his support back to Biden’s early support for marriage equality, then went on to talk about him coming out of retirement to run for president and fight white supremacy – Troy clarified, “So you like him more now than when he was just Obama’s white friend?”
· Interview – Actor JB Smoove
o Smoove was promoting the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm – Describing the show’s improv-heavy atmosphere, he said, “It feels like branches, branches everywhere. I’m trying to figure out what’s gonna be the best path. What am I gonna get the most funny out of?”
o Michael noted times on the show when it’s evident in Larry David’s expression that he doesn’t know where Smoove is going with a particular improv bit yet – Smoove compared it their jobs as standup comics, explaining, “As standups, we have to be able to read people. I can be there with 2,000 people in the audience, I’m gonna find that one f**ker who’s not laughing.”
o I really liked what he said about the importance of comedians – “I’m telling you, there’s no way you could take the brunt of the hell that is the real world every day without somebody who’s able to take that world, filtrate, put it through their body, and give it back to you in a manageable form.”
Thursday, March 23
· Headlines – Marijuana use outpaces alcohol consumption, Nikki Haley endorses Donald Trump, upside-down flag flown outside Samuel Alito’s house
o Michael blamed alcohol manufacturers for falling behind in the race with marijuana – “They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter, you know? Congrats, beer companies. You lost to that well-known, super ambitious, Type-A, hard-working go-getter Tommy Chong.”
o When asked how he planned to court Nikki Haley voters, he said he didn’t think he’d need many of them – “To Trump, Haley voters are like vegetables, you know? He’s gotten this far without them. Why worry about them now?”
o This line got a huge laugh, which is a testament to the dire situation the U.S. is in – “Let’s move on from politics to a place that’s completely above politics: the Supreme Court.”
o Alito claimed that the upside-down flag was nothing to do with him, and that his wife did it during a dispute with a neighbor – Michael responded, “My wife has squabbles with the neighbors too. I mean, hers don’t usually end with her raising the flag of insurrection against the United States, but maybe your neighbors are just that bad?”
o Good bit – “Look, I’m not an expert, but I always thought a judge was supposed to be impartial and neutral. And I’m not naïve, I know he’s not, but can’t he at least respect us enough to pretend to be, you know? It’s not like he’s a judge on American Idol, he’s a Supreme Court judge! But he’s stunting on us like a soccer player popping his jersey after a goal. ‘I killed Roe v. Wade, bitches!’”
o Troy reported on the flag situation, but his issue was that he doesn’t pick up on the meanings behind these far-right dog-whistle flags – “I don’t get the message! The first time I saw that Blue Lives Matter flag, I thought the Smurfs finally got citizenship.”
o This was hiss take on the “Appeal of Heaven” election denial flag, which has flown outside another of Alito’s homes – “Right now this is just an ugly flag with a Christmas cookie on it.”
o I laughed at Troy exclaiming, “If you’re gonna be hateful, stop being so subtle, okay?”
o As an example of more direct flag messaging, he said, “Or you can have a flag like Saudi Arabia! I can’t read Arabic, but I know what a sword is.”
o In this piece, Michael reacted to recent news stories about people effing around and finding out while on vacation, such as a pair of guys who wrecked an ancient rock formation – “Next time you’re in the desert, ask yourself, ‘Would Wile E. Coyote do this?” Then do the opposite.”
o The video of a woman getting attacked by a bull is capped by one of the onlookers shouting, “We tried to f**king tell you!” And they did, repeatedly – “Yeah, they tried to f**king tell you! Did you think ‘let me speak to the manager’ would work on a giant bull?”
o Five Americans are facing hefty prison sentences in Turks and Caicos for unknowingly bringing in live ammo in their luggage – “Five people, and none of them knew they had live ammunition in their suitcase? This is how gun-crazy some Americans are.”
o However, a group of Democrat and Republican leaders are working to negotiate lighter punishments over the ammo – “Wow. Nothing motivates bipartisanship like a free trip to Turks and Caicos.”
· Interview – Musician John Legend
o Legend was promoting Afghan Star, an audio documentary he’s hosting about a reality music competition that began in Afghanistan after the Taliban were removed from power.
o He began by laying out that music was illegal under the Taliban, then emphasized the revolutionary nature of the show – “Not only was it displaying music on television, but it was giving women opportunities they’d never had never. It was challenging some of the societal norms and religious strictures that have been on the country for a long time. And it was quite a culture moment that impacted the entire country.”
o I liked Michael’s reaction – “As an American, I listen to this stuff. It almost seems fictitious. It never even crossed my-- this is how spoiled I am, it never crossed my mind that people could not have music.”
o Later in the interview, the topic shifted to the U.S. election – Legend said wholeheartedly, “We talk about things we take for granted, but there is one candidate who isn’t too keen on democracy, who isn’t too keen on us having the right to vote. He literally tried to steal an election and nullify the votes of the American people.”
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