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Sunday, April 7
· Main Story – Death penalty
o We looked at a long list of various execution methods over the centuries – “As for gibbetting, that is a horrifying definition for an adorable word. ‘Gibbetting’ sounds like what you’d call a baby goat rushing to food at a petting zoo or the weird head movement that pigeons make.”
o There were 13 federal executions under—you guessed it!—the Trump administration, while there had been none for almost 20 years previously – This also included “the first lame-duck federal execution in more than a century.”
o After Arizona went through with torturous botched executions due to bad drug sourcing, the state’s AG “reassured” people that what the executed inmates suffered was nothing compared to what they did to their own victims – “But that doesn’t really matter does it, because the Constitution exists. The Eighth Amendment doesn’t say, ‘No cruel and unusual punishment, unless they, like…really deserve it.’”
o The Trump administration struggled to get its hands on pentobarbital, at one point even posing the possibility of “acquiring it through a veterinarian” – Just, what?!?
o Excellent line – “The DOC shouldn’t be running around the country begging for drugs. That is for diabetics and women who want to exercise their right to choose. This is America!”
o If drugs aren’t secured from a reputable source, people’s agony during executions can go on far longer. However, federal and state governments are highly reticent to disclose where they source their drugs from, in order to ensure the suppliers’ continued cooperation – “Any time you unmask a drug supplier, that probably is going to make carrying out executions harder, so you can see why the federal government so badly wants to keep its suppliers secret too.”
o That said, the show has been working on this story for years, and they traced the federal government’s pentobarbital back to a company called Absolute Standards.
o Their initial FOIA request into Absolute Standards was, unsurprisingly, held up for a long time, but one employee they spoke to let it slip that it was because the (then-unconfirmed) info they were after did in fact relate to the death penalty – “Honestly, 5/5 on the post-call survey there. This employee certainly helped me solve my problem!”
o States similarly sourcing from Absolute Standards received vials of pentobarbital in “unmarked jars and boxes” – Or as John put it, “the official packaging of ‘things you shouldn’t be shipping.’”
o Some states, like Oklahoma, have approved the use of nitrogen gas in executions, even though vets have stopped using it to put down animals because it’s considered too inhumane – Because of the connotations of “laughing gas,” John noted, “Apparently, during the debate over it [in the Oklahoma legislature], there were a few holdouts, but only because they didn’t want the inmates to feel good while dying. They wanted pain.”
o This was a good observation – “On some level, all this secrecy is also meant to protect us, the people in whose name it is done, from confronting the horror of what the death penalty actually is.”
o John was out here preaching – “We are kidding ourselves if we think that taking someone’s life actually lowers the number of killers in the world. It literally, definitionally, creates more.”
· And Now This – A Sincere Thank You to ESPN for Their Slow-Motion Replays During the American Kennel Club’s “Fastest Dogs USA”
o This was just a weird delight – We saw lips flapping in the breeze, drool flying, and skin and fat rippling as the dogs ran.
o Also, the mere act of watching the dogs running head-on in slow-motion was just so odd and gangly-looking – I liked the way they’d sort of seesaw from front to back legs.
· Finally – Stock photos
o John summed up how there’s a stock photo for virtually every occasion – “You need a samurai? There you go. You need a samurai on a Zoom call? They’ve got that covered too!”
o As the show has used a number of stock photos over the years, they discovered an incredibly prolific stock photo actor named Ilgar – Showing off the vast library of Ilgar photos available, John said, “So that’s more than 25,000 photos of this one man demonstrating a Meryl Streep-level of range.”
o I loved some of the goofy premises of the photos, such as “a dentist feeding a baseball bat to [false] teeth, don’t overthink it.”
o As the team looked through all the phones, certain themes emerged, like an inordinate number of photos of Ilgar posing with a skeleton – One of the examples here was “this one where he’s a doctor reminding the viewer that skeletons don’t have penises, a fact that it seems this skeleton would’ve preferred left unsaid.”
o In looking at the sheer variety in Ilgar’s many photos, John said, “And he will do it, even if the prompt seems like it was clearly the result of something getting lost in translation, like mischievous old man makes phones fight featuring Christ vibes” – In the picture, Ilgar was holding two phones up to each other while making a goofy face and wearing a crown of thorns!
o After a lot of searching and a lengthy visa process, they managed to track down Ilgar and bring him over from Azerbaijan so John could fulfill his dream of posing in stock photos with him – It was a lot of fun, and from the photos, Ilgar was game for plenty of silliness.
Monday, April 8th
· Headlines – Solar eclipse, contrast between administration reactions to Ukraine and Gaza
o Jon side eyed Fox News’s claim that migrants were going to use the solar eclipse for a massive wave of border crossings – “…Or they could just wait ‘til nighttime.”
o This made me laugh – “Is there nothing Fox can’t tie to immigration? ‘This here cicada invasion provides perfect cover for Venezuelans!’”
o The Ukraine-Gaza piece was very good, with Jon examining statements from the Biden administration that strongly condemn Russia’s actions in Ukraine while giving much more tepid responses about Israel’s actions in Gaza – “‘Unconscionable.’ Weaponizing food in Ukraine is not kosher, or halal!”
o Honestly, the piece basically wrote itself. The parallels were numerous – “You hear that, Russia? ‘We condemn, in no uncertain terms, any oppression of a free press!’ …I think you all know what’s coming next.”
o Excellent line – “The verbal gymnastics that the American government must undertake so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of a country we provide most of the weapons for is…gaaaahhhh! Every time America tells the world there’s something that we won’t allow, Israel seems to say, ‘Challenge Accepted.’”
o We watched a supercut of officials saying that Israel needs “to be more careful and precise” to avoid killing thousands of Palestinian civilians in their bombing campaign – Most significantly, this montage of the same line being repeated over and over again covered pretty much the entire six-month span of the war to date.
o We also saw a montage of officials making the same sentiments with synonyms for “more careful and precise” – ‘‘To be mindful’??? What is this, f**king hot yoga? ‘We just, you know, we see the bombing, and we are urging Netanyahu to be present.’”
· Interview – Journalist/anchor Christiane Amanpour
o Over 100 journalists have been killed in Gaza in the last six months, more than have been killed in the entire rest of the world in that time period – Amanpour said, “It goes beyond the horror of what’s happened to those people and their families. It’s about telling the story of Gaza, telling the story of the Palestinians. You know, actual local journalists would tell you about a people, right? A people, not just, you know, dehumanizing numbers or the like, but a people.”
o Jon observed, “This isn’t about the ability to defend yourself. It’s not even about the moral issue. It’s about efficacy. It’s about—you know, after 9/11, the vindictiveness in me, the bloodlust, it certainly rose up. But very clearly, our response was flawed in its efficacy. We made a mistake.”
o Amanpour discussed the seven World Central Kitchen workers who were recently targeted and killed while providing aid – She said that José Andrés asked Biden, “How can you also send weapons and also call for respecting life and the end of this famine?”
o As they talked about what more the U.S. could be doing, Amanpour told Jon, “I think you should have Speaker Johnson on here” – He replied, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called that f**k.”
Tuesday, April 9
· Headlines – Eye issues following the solar eclipse, parents of Michigan school shooter receive prison sentence, Biden unveils new student debt relief plan
o Michael Kosta this week! This line from his intro cracked me up – “And student debt must have some bad tweets, ‘cause it just got cancelled.”
o Good line – “America treats its gun problem like a dog treats a new baby: by hoping if we ignore it, it’ll disappear.”
o Valid – “Interesting that they call it student debt forgiveness, as though the student did something wrong. ‘We forgive you for being a poor broke bitch.’”
o Ha! – “Now some critics are saying that this student loan forgiveness is just a cynical bribe by Joe to give young people what they want so they vote for him. And they’re right. It’s an ancient tactic called ‘politics.’”
· Trump announces his abortion stance
o This story kicked off by looking at the Arizona Supreme Court, which just allowed a Civil War-era abortion ban to go back into effect – “And it’s not just abortion. We shouldn’t be using any Civil War law. At least every 100 years, we should just do a review of all the laws, you know? ‘Guys, we still against murder? All right, great, moving on. All post offices have mandatory horse ties? No? Scrap that one, okay.’”
o It’s not a story about a Trump speech/interview/announcement without at least one crack at his odd phrasing or delivery – “Did he just say ‘precious baby’ sarcastically? ‘Congrats on your bundle of joy.’”
o This was really good – “Yes, Donald Trump now says that states should choose their own abortion laws, although I don’t know why that’s considered a moderate position. ‘As a reasonable man, I think only some women should be forced to give birth against their will depending on which state they live in. It’s called common sense!’”
o Michael took issue with Trump’s repeated, egregious lie that Democrats support killing babies after they’ve been born – “Seriously, that’s such an obvious lie. Nobody wants to execute babies. Now, when they’re three or four and they’re talking all day in a goddamn Peppa Pig accent, well…then you might find some execution support.”
o We looked at a montage of Trump over the years, taking a wide array of positions on abortion and sometimes contradicting himself in the span of a single clip – “And people claim Biden has memory issues? Trump’s like, ‘Remind me what my principled stand is on one of the biggest issues in this country.’”
· Interview – Writer/director Alex Garland
o Garland was there promoting Civil War, and the divisions that create the conditions for his dystopian film – “It really isn’t just America. It’s set in America, but this situation exists in my country, and in many European countries, the Middle East and Asia and South America. I chose America because everybody looks to America, but the things it’s talking about are quite global.”
o He talked about the sick feeling he had watching the footage of January 6th, after having already written the script for Civil War – “It provoked a feeling that, whatever is happening, this shouldn’t be happening. This has just a deep wrongness about it. This is that writ large, I suppose.”
o Michael asked why Garland chose to center the film on a band of journalists – “We need journalists. We need trusted journalists in pretty much exactly the same way we need doctors.”
Wednesday, April 10
· Headlines – EPA sets limits on forever chemicals in drinking water, stamp price to increase, push for Sonya Sotomayor to step down
o Michael was excited about the new EPA regulations on drinking water – “I know it’s not cool to say nice things about Big Government, but this is exactly the kind of thing it’s made for, right? That and bailing out big banks, but that’s not the point.”
o The drinking water story branched off a little into news that Lunchables contain high levels of lead – “Why do we do this? Why do we poison everything? Lunchables are supposed to be healthy! Okay, they’re not, but they shouldn’t have f**king lead in them!”
o I loved the description of the Supreme Court as “the law’s final boss.”
o The calls for Sotomayor to retire are because some Democrats want Biden to appoint a new liberal justice to the bench before the election (and they’ve apparently blacked out on 2016 and Merrick Garland) – “I don’t care if she retires or not, I just hate that we have to go through this every few years. And like everything in America, this is the Founding Fathers’ fault. They decided for some reason that the Supreme Court justices get lifetime appointments, and now they’re basically the forever chemicals of democracy?”
o Troy reported on who these Democrats would want to see appointed for the role. Given the lifetime appointment, he explained, “They’re thinking baby” – “Birth it, slap it, wrap it in a robe.”
o Michael asked, “How would you even get a baby through a confirmation hearing, they’d be screaming and crying the whole time!” – Troy shrugged and replied, “Worked for Brett Kavanaugh.”
· Interview – Vampire Weekend
o Michael asked the band about their new album being described as “a return to form” – Ezra Koenig replied, “It’s hard to say, because we’ve made five albums now, and they’re all pretty different from one another. It’s funny. I know it when I hear it, that’s how I feel about what sounds like Vampire Weekend.”
o Chris Tomson talked about their podcast Vampire Campfire – He said it was born out of the conversations they would have as a band while traveling on tour.
· Performance – Vampire Weekend
o Vampire Weekend performed a song called “Mary Boone.”
o This was my favorite line – “In a quiet moment in the theater, I could hear the train. / Deep inside the city, your memory remains.”
Thursday, April 11
· Headlines – GOP response to new Arizona abortion ban
o Michael summed up the state of abortion rights since Roe v. Wade was overturned – “From now on, each state will make its own rules. Like you know how sometimes the speed limit is 45 miles an hour, and then down the road it’s 35 miles an hour? Well, that’s how human rights are gonna work now!”
o Arizona’s failed gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake is one of the GOP folks now raging against the new ban, even though she previously stanned it so hard she referred to it by its legislative number – “Just the way she rattled it off like, ’13-3603!’ I’m pretty sure if you find Kari Lake’s iPhone, you’ll be able to unlock it.”
o But of course, when given the opportunity, the Arizona GOP chose to oppose a bill to do away with the antiquated ban.
o Michael said that the law’s unpopularity made it an easy dunk for Biden. He fumbled his response, telling Arizonans to vote for him because he was in the 20th century – “Republicans think we’re in 1864, the president thinks we’re in the 20th century. If we’re playing by The Price is Right rules, Biden was closest without going over.”
o Meanwhile Fox News commentators decided the abortion ban wasn’t that big a deal because people who need it can just go to a state where abortion is legal – “What is wrong with you guys? ‘It’s not the worst thing in the world to take a bus to a different state’? It’s also not the worst thing in the world to just let women have rights, you know?”
o Michael brought Jordan on to imitate Fox’s all-male panel discussion on abortion (in matching terrible toupees!) – Jordan said, “Women are making too big a deal about all this! Look, I’ve never had to walk through a line of protesters to get basic healthcare. But I have had to make eye contact with the woman at Walgreen’s while buying a pack of slim-fit Trojan condoms!”
· Fake Ad – Stair Sherpa
o This bit was inspired by Fox News freaking out over Biden wearing new special sneakers to help reduce falling – “Fox knows its viewers are all Biden’s age, right? It doesn’t seem like the best strategy to shit on your own audience.”
o That led into Stair Sherpa, an app for politicians to summon a burly man to carry them up stairs and avoid embarrassing falls.
o If you splurged and got the premium subscription, you could choose how you were carried, with options ranging from “The Baby Björn” to “The Dirty Dancing Lift.”
· Interview – Poet/author Hanif Abdurraqib
o Abdurraqib’s new book, There’s Always This Year, combines basketball, poetry, family, and reflections on grief.
o He said, “My hope was to write a book where anyone could see their own interest in it. And it’s like walking to a body of water, looking in, and seeing what you most want reflected back at you.”
o In talking about his upbringing, Abdurraqib observed, “In some ways, basketball in a family that loves basketball, it gets passed down like so many other things. You learn to love the game through the people you witness loving the game. And that, I think, is a beautiful thing.”
o Michael brought up a part of the book that looks at leaving/coming back home and commented on how many people feel they need to go away to become successful – Abdurraqib answered, “I think this book is also trying to realign the consideration of what ‘making it’ is. And ascension not necessarily is something that sends you upward, but anything that moves you from the place you were to the place you’re going. And sometimes that place geographically is the same but is emotionally different.”
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