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Sunday, October 29
· Recap of the Week – Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, runoff election in Argentina
o I loved the description of Rep. Mike Johnson as “a man with resting assistant principal face.”
o Valid – “Let’s face it, it’s not like the new Republican speaker wasn’t going to have a laundry list of horrifying opinions. It would honestly be more surprising if he threw a couple of good ones in there too. ‘He believes abortion is a holocaust but Friday should be part of the weekend, gay marriage is inherently unnatural, we need more women in STEM, and there should be parks where adults can ride the giant inflatable slide they use when the planes crash.’”
o Javier Milei, the far-right candidate in Argentina’s presidential election, has used chainsaws as props for his promise to “slash” the economy, and a number of his supporters have taken to wearing chainsaw masks to show their allegiance – When one supporter praised Milei’s revolutionary ideas, John said, “Okay, not to break my one rule and argue with a guy dressed as a chainsaw, but lots of ideas haven’t been tested before. We also haven’t tried all-trampoline retirement homes or letting a raccoon be chief of surgery. That’s because some ideas are just bad.”
o In addition to the chainsaw thing and generally horrific policies, we learned that Milei’s four dogs are genetic clones of a previous dog he had that died, and that he discusses strategy with them to the point where he considers them an informal cabinet – “All right. At this point, I feel the need to tell you, we did not invent this man for our show.”
· And Now This – Dagen McDowell Seems Like She Was a Fun Kid
o Snippets of the same story repeated across numerous Fox News clips, gradually revealing the full tale – In order, McDowell 1) used to be a Girl Scout, but 2) she got kicked out 3) for being “too mouthy” 4) over being taken to hear then-President Carter speak.
· Main Story – Chocolate
o In an amusing opening, we watched an old cooking show(?) clip where the host talked about the chemical in chocolate that allegedly induces similar feelings to an orgasm, before awkwardly returning to his baking – “First off, what a long, weird way to tell people you’ve never had an orgasm. Second, I can’t believe there is a chemical that makes your brain horny and they named it phenylethylamine. That is not a sexy name! Erotisol, seductilust, dat-assoline—all of those are freely available!”
o While the chocolate industry is worth about $140 billion a year, it’s not surprising to learn that the farmers who grow the cocoa beans reap virtually none of that wealth, with most cocoa farmers living below the Global Extreme Poverty level.
o Apparently journalists love to point out that most cocoa farmers have never eaten chocolate and enjoy introducing them to it on camera – After one especially obnoxious clip showing just that, John said, “That is pretty condescending right there. ‘Attention, former subjects! We’ve noticed you’ve not once tasted the fruits of your interminable toils. So allow me to present you with a generous gift of a single Kit-Kat. That is your cocoa!’”
o Pretty much all the cocoa in the world comes from either Ivory Coast or Ghana, where native forests have been cannibalized to get more farmland – “Okay, let’s face it. It was only a matter of time before the phrase ‘skeleton forest’ appeared on this show. Because if there is a sinister combination of words out there, we’re gonna stumble over it. ‘Tumor elections.’ ‘Ghost abuse.’ ‘Murder pollution.’ Stay tuned: all those are coming up!”
o The brunt of the story looked at inadequate efforts to root out child labor/trafficking in the chocolate industry.
o In one clip, a Nestle rep told a journalists that farmers have their children work in their fields by necessity, inadvertently pointing out that Nestle pays them starvation wages – “Wow. It is very funny to me that he thought ending that call where he did would somehow avoid implicating himself. ‘Look, the farmers have to make their children work for them, because they are so poor, because they’re not paid a living wage by Nestle, the company that I— You know what? Nice try! You’re breaking up. I’m going through a tunnel, goodbye! …That was a close one. I think I got away with it.’”
o While many of the major chocolate companies have started big initiatives to combat child labor, but the results of their alleged efforts are negligible. A group of journalists looked at a map of farms on Mondelez’s website, traveled undercover to one, “and instantly found child labor” – “I don’t know what statement Mondelez could releases in the wake of that, other than maybe, ‘Honestly, did not think anyone would check.’”
o Fantastic statement – “That is the thing. All these companies will say they are deeply concerned about child labor and that they spend a lot of money trying to fix it. By one estimate, as of 2019, they spent more than $150 million to address this issue. But that’s over 18 years, and while they were collecting $103 billion in sales annually. Meaning over two decades, they’ve spent just 0.1% of one year’s sales. And come on! M&M’s must have spent more than that just finetuning how fuckable the green M&M is.”
o This was a strong point too – “I know these are companies, not charities, whose job it is to make money and not save the world. But that means that they will only care about this problem exactly as much as they are forced to. So if we are serious about getting child labor out of our chocolate, we can’t keep relying on pinkie promises and the honor system.”
· And Now This – Local Law Enforcement Agencies Go All Out With Their Halloween Safety PSAs
o This was a powerful combination of stilted acting, low-budget VFX, and aggressive attempts to capitalize on what the youths think is cool – We started with crappy graphics of a police dog saying, “Hi, everybody, this is K-9 Sam!” in a sped-up voice.
o In another clip, one cop talked about Halloween safety while another stood behind him waving glow whips around.
o So much janky-looking greenscreen – One cop talked about Halloween safety while a T-Rex(?) randomly wandered past her, and another video wrapped up with a selection of dancing CGI skeletons and ghosts.
The guest host this week was Charlamagne tha God.
Monday, October 30
· Headlines – Mike Pence drops out of 2024 campaign, Rep. Dean Phillips joins Democratic primary, Gavin Newsome’s failed photo op, House Speaker Mike Johnson
o An easy joke, but a fun one – “That’s right. Mike Pence dropped out to spend more time in a separate bedroom from his wife.”
o We watched a painful clip of Dean Phillips trying a “say it with me” moment at his kickoff rally that fell flat – To prove a point, Charlamagne tried the same thing. When he was met with dead silence, he said, “That’s right: you don’t know what I always say ‘cause it’s my first f**king day!”
o After Mike Johnson said that his policy positions are simply “the Bible,” Michael came out talking about Levitical laws, like banning shellfish and shunning women during their period – When Charlamagne said Johnson probably isn’t championing those biblical laws, Michael said, “You’re telling me…he wouldn’t just pick and choose the parts of the Bible he liked best. That would be hypocritical! God, Charlamagne, for a guy named ‘tha God,’ you don’t know a lot about Christianity.”
· Host Piece – Surprising political beliefs
o This was a person-on-the-street piece where Charlamagne asked folks about their political leanings, what people assume about their politics based on their appearance, and what “common ground” they might have with the other side – Kind of a weak piece in my opinion.
o One of his common-ground questions was asking progressives, “What Republican are you unexpectedly attracted to?”, and vice versa – One guy went on for a solid 10-15 seconds about, “I know you want me to say AOC, but I’m not gonna,” before admitting that it was in fact AOC.
o Charlagmagne asked one progressive, “What about book banning?” – When she exclaimed, “No!”, he held up The Art of the Deal and said, “What about this book?”
· Interview – Rep. Nancy Mace
o Evidently, Charlamagne and Mace went to the same high school in South Carolina.
o Mace talked a lot about Kevin McCarthy, though she referred to him pretty exclusively as “the former speaker” and other euphemistic titles – Her support for Johnson over McCarthy boiled down to her belief that McCarthy couldn’t be trusted to follow through with what he said.
o When Charlamagne asked if she believed the evidence against Trump, she weakly evaded, repeatedly asking him to specify a case and refusing when he said, “Take your pick” – When he finally picked Georgia as an example, Mace promptly said, “I haven’t seen the evidence yet,” before pivoting to folks like Sidney Powell.
Tuesday, October 31
· Headlines – Migrant crisis in New York City, executive order sets standards on AI, rumors about Ron DeSantis’s boots
o Charlamagne described his “Halloween costume” as “the scariest thing there is, an intelligent Black man with an opinion.”
o He side eyed NYC mayor Eric Adams’s plea to have people contact him with their ideas for how to address the migrant crisis – “No, no. Our ideas? That’s not how this works. Our idea was to elect you to handle this, all right?”
o Good line – “Eric Adams has New Yorkers all wrong. New Yorkers give you opinions, not ideas. It’s always, ‘F**k you, asshole!’, okay? It’s never, ‘Signal before you turn next time, asshole!’”
o The rumor about DeSantis is that the boots he frequently wears have a concealed heel to make him appear taller – “At least now I know why DeSantis is in that huge fight with Disney. It’s not because of wokeness. It’s because you’ve gotta be this tall to ride the Magic Teacups.”
o Ronny and Troy came out to debate the DeSantis “issue” – Ronny, sitting on someone’s shoulders while wearing a giant trench coat, argued, “No, I’ve always been this tall. People just think I’m short because I’m naturally sweet and softspoken, but I’m actually 6’8”.”
o Troy, meanwhile, said, “No, I think it’s great. Ron DeSantis is finally accepting gender affirming care. Because Ron doesn’t feel like his outside matches his inside. He sees himself as a big, strong boy, even though he’s a little munchkin with itty bitty legs like a wiener dog.”
· Correspondent Piece (Michael) – “Energy clearing” services for real estate
o As real estate agents struggle with unsold properties, one Santa Fe agent told Michael that one of her largest problems is paranormal activity – To that end, she brings in an expert to “clear” houses before showings.
o When they expert told Michael she’s been bitten and scratched over the course of carrying out her work, he asked, “Are you talking about mortgage lending or ghostbusting?”
o Michael followed the expert around a house as she pointed out hotspots of paranormal energy – There was some predictable humor, like Michael saying, “Now who’s that? Is that a ghost?”, with the expert replying, “That’s the toilet.”
· Interview – Sports agent/CEO Rich Paul
o It seemed that Paul was there to discuss his memoir, Lucky Me, but most of the interview revolved around Charlamagne roasting him for his claim that he shoots baskets as a “professional” level.
o Paul clarified that he never called himself a professional-level player, saying, “The point I was trying to make, if you want to shoot jump shots with me, you have to be a pro.” – Charlamagne responded, “So a game of H.O.R.S.E.?”
o Paul offered names of people Charlamagne could call to vouch for his incredible shooting skills, including Kevin Hart, Drake, and Kevin Durant – At the mention of Durant, Charlamagne pointed out, “That’s the first athlete you’ve named, by the way.”
Wednesday, November 1
· Headlines – Rising antisemitism and Islamophobia in the U.S., James Harden traded to LA Clippers, “booty patrol” truck in Florida
o Valid – “We’re so predictable with this bullshit. And it is bullshit. You know things are bad when antisemitism is up 400% and Kanye hasn’t even tweeted yet.”
o The James Harden story focused mainly on a sports commentator who railed about the trade, saying, “Is the man r****ded?” – When one of these colleagues pushed back at him, he pitifully amended it to, “Excuse me, developmentally disabled.”
o While police in Florida search for the owner of a truck equipped with flashing lights and emblazoned with the words “booty patrol,” Desi told Charlamagne that this was no laughing matter – She claimed to come from a long line of booty patrollers and asked, “Is it funny to you that my uncle had to always be ready for that jelly?”
· Interview – Presidential candidate Nikki Haley
o We devoted two segments to the interview, which was pre-recorded – From what I can tell, we largely got stump speech talking points from Haley, complete with saying, “No one wants to see a rematch between Trump and Biden,” and, “We need new leadership,” while also saying she’ll vote for Trump if he’s the GOP nominee.
o This was an interesting point from Haley, about her belief in congressional term limits – “When you run for office, you’re as close to the people as it gets. You’ve listened, you know what people want, and you really know how to go in there and get things done. The longer you stay, the more you move away from the people.”
o In an odd exchange that I’ve heard from Haley multiple times before, Charlamagne asked her about her choice to “refuse to play identity politics” – In response, she gave a speech about how so-called identity politics is the real culprit sowing divisions in the U.S., and then talked about how she was used to having “no line for the women’s restroom” at different jobs she’s worked and touted herself as the “first woman and first minority” for different positions she’s held.
Thursday, November 2
· Headlines – Donald Trump Jr. testifies in Trump civil fraud case, name changes for American birds, George Santos evades House expulsion vote
o This is fair – “Don Jr.’s defense is that he doesn’t know what’s going on in his own company and doesn’t really understand business at all. Which seems right to me! Does anyone think this man is a criminal mastermind?”
o After surviving his expulsion vote, George Santos told a reporter that there’s nothing that would make him step down and give up his seat – “This is another example of how Republicans just don’t care. Anybody else would flee in shame if they were caught doing half the stuff he did, but this dude is like, ‘I ain’t resigning. Prove my mama didn’t personally jump out of the Twin Towers and land on Osama bin Laden’s head.’”
o Grace weighed in on why Santos wasn’t voted out – “Santos makes everyone in Congress look better. Now Lauren Boebert can say, ‘Hey, he stole a veteran’s dog’s cancer money! Who cares if I dry-cranked a guy at a musical?’”
· Long Story Short – Biden’s unfulfilled promises
o Charlamagne’s theory was that the reason Biden is currently polling neck and neck with Trump is not just because of promises he didn’t follow through on or actively broke – Rather, it’s because he appears to give up without trying.
o He contrasted that with Trump’s fighting spirit, even over inane stuff like his rants about low-flow toilets – “Trump was the only president to get his daily intelligence briefing from Everybody Poops.”
o This was Charlamagne’s message for Biden – “Fight like hell for the things you care about instead of throwing up your hands. Americans want a president who’ll fight for them the same way that Alabama river boat crew fights for each other!”
· Interview – Author Doug Melville
o Meville was there to promote his book Invisible Generals – It’s about Benjamin O. Davis Sr. and Jr., the first two Black generals in the U.S. army and members of his own family.
o He discussed his dissatisfaction with the movie Red Tails, which featured a character based on his grandfather, but with his name changed and elements of his real story left out – “I think the challenge with Red Tails is that, when people look at it, they feel that it’s true American history, but it’s actually just the façade of that. It actually is an amalgamation of the stories.”
o Melville championed the importance of talked with our relatives about their history while we still can – “We should go and ask our ancestors and our relatives, you know, ‘What did you go through?’, and what were their stories? Legacy is so important. We are driven by the generational collateral that our families laid out before us, but we don’t even know what that is.”
o Good line – “The greatest stories in America could be sitting on our couches.”
I wasn’t really a fan of Charlamagne. Not much of his commentary resonated with me, and I thought he flirted too much with ableist jokes.
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