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Sunday, March 5
· Main Story – Ron DeSantis
o We jumped right into the main story on “business Fred Flintstone.”
o Yikes, Kari Lake talking up DeSantis at a campaign event and, not only insisting he has BDE, but encouraging anyone who doesn’t know what that means to have their kids explain it to them – The one redeeming factor of that horrific moment was John’s response: “Just to be clear, if you don’t know what BDE is, please don’t ask your kids about it later. In fact, for the sake of those kids, I’ll just tell you right now. It stands for ‘Big Dick Energy,’ a kind of easy, magnetic confidence that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a large penis, or indeed a penis at all. It’s just the energy associated. A list of those with BDE would include Bryan Cranston, Christine Baranski, the Pixar lamp, Charles Darwin, and Snoopy. Does that make sense?”
o I loved this bit, about Trump’s quest to find the perfect nickname for DeSantis – “Yeah, apparently he was calling him Meatball Ron. And I hate to say it, but Trump’s still got it. It’s perfectly stupid, childish, and hurtful in a way that’s genuinely difficult to articulate.”
o Great line – “Okay, first of all, Florida is not where ‘woke’ goes to die. It’s why wealthy Upper East Side New Yorkers go to die. Get your facts straight.”
o We looked at a few of the many culture-war-driven laws DeSantis has signed, which John noted get a lot of media attention when they’re announced but have been implemented with less attention.
o Despite legal challenges to a number of these laws, John warned that “future decisions could wind up going [DeSantis’s] way. After all, these cases are going through higher courts that range from ‘fairly conservative’ all the way up to ‘overturned Roe v. Wade.’”
o We watched a montage of people who were arrested for voting illegally (in truth, people who were given incorrect information by their county about their ability to vote, not people who intended to break the rule – John remarked, “Wow. Do you have any idea how sketchy your order needs to be for cops to enforce it reluctantly? Enforcing laws on scared people is one of their favorite things to do. It’s that, make siren go wee-woo wee-woo, end of list.”
o This was an excellent point – “It really feels like DeSantis’s main aim there, as in so many cases, was just to instill fear. To make people afraid to protest, or to moderate content, or even to vote. And that is the thing. Even his sloppily written laws can end up doing real harm.”
o Everything about this tangent was fantastic – “It’s funny how it’s always the people who think homosexuality as a concept needs to be taught at ‘an appropriate age,’ that don’t give a second thought to when they teach their kids what heterosexuality is. Although, I could be wrong. Maybe in that guy’s family, his kid asks every day, ‘Who are you people living in my house?’ And he responds, ‘Well, my name is Dad, that lady is Mom, and we are… we’re friends. Don’t ask me any more questions until you’re 18 or I will f**king sue you!”
· And Now This – Jerry O’Connell’s wife is a Scorpio
o Just a montage of Jerry O’Connell commenting about his wife’s astrological sign and how he… lives in fear of her maybe? – One such comment was, “You just can’t ever get her mad, because Mama Bear is a Scorpio.”
· Finally – Radiant Plumbing ads
o This was a really fun piece, about an Austin-based plumbing company whose ads lovingly parody popular movies, from Endgame to The Terminator.
o John loved the clips of their Dune parody, complete with the plumbers fighting a giant toilet sand worm – “Holy shit! That Dune parody is incredible! The casting alone. Look at this guy! He’s more of a Timothée Chalamet type than the real Timothée Chalamet. He’s got that signature Chalamet air of mystery, where you’re not sure if he’s about to white-boy rap at you or do whippets in your mom’s basement.”
o This made me smile – “Three years ago, they even rolled out a series of ads parodying Napoleon Dynamite, a movie that was, at that point, a mere 16 years old.”
o Naturally, John had an offer for them – Agree, sight unseen, to create a commercial based on a movie of his choosing, in exchange for Last Week Tonight debuting the commercial on air and giving $10,000 to a local charity.
The guest host this week was Marlon Wayans.
Monday, March 6
· Headlines – CPAC, NBA player Ja Morant suspended for flashing a gun in a video, California reparations task force begins hearings
o I smiled at Marlon calling CPAC a conference for “the Karens and the Darrens.”
o Good bit – “Nikki Haley said wokeness is more dangerous than a pandemic. I never had to miss two weeks of work ‘cause of wokeness. And I’m damn sure Herman Cain didn’t die because he walked into a gender-neutral bathroom.”
o Marlon was confused at Ja Morant saying he would use his suspension to work on his mental health and finding better ways to cope with stress – “How’s that even an explanation? ‘I pulled a gun out ‘cause I was stressed.’ So is that like an emotional support gun? Like, who grabs a gun because you’re stressed? N***a, you ain’t never heard of chamomile?”
o Loved this line in the reparations piece – “I know where they should get the money from: Fruit of the Loom. They’re always saying that shit is 100% cotton. Pay up, bitch!”
o Roy was surprised that California was the first state to study reparations – “California was a free state! Most of the slaves in California was just people playing slaves in movies. Jamie Foxx, Levar Burton, Cynthia Erivo, Amistad!”
· Host Piece (Marlon) – Career retrospective
o Eh, this was a mildly amusing sketch, with Marlon giving very “actorly” musings on past roles of his.
o In reference to a diarrhea scene from White Chicks, he said, “In preparation for that scene, I mentally drew from Act IV, Scene 3 of Macbeth. So powerful.”
o Goofy – “It’s funny, people often compare me to Marlon Brando. Mostly because my name is Marlon.”
· Interview – Actor Mason Gooding
o Gooding was there to talk about Scream VI, and Marlon immediately started pumping him for details – “So can you tell me anything about the movie? You know, anything that happens, any spoilers? Anything that I can possibly put in Scary Movie 6?”
o They also spent a bit of time talking about Gooding’s dad, Cuba Gooding Jr.
Tuesday, March 7
· Headlines – Tucker Carlson releases January 6th footage, Polish wax figures of the British royal family, increase in children accidentally ingesting edibles
o Marlon took issue with Tucker Carlson characterizing the Capitol insurrection as mostly peaceful “sightseeing” – “Sightseeing, my Black ass. If you have to punch a cop on your way in, you not sightseeing. You fight-seeing!”
o Great line – “All Tucker Carlson proved is that you can make anything better by not showing the bad part. ‘How come they never show 9/11 planes taking off?’”
o Marlon’s reaction to the wax figures of William and Kate made me laugh – “Look at these statues. They look like they’re calling Meghan Markle ‘n****r’ under their breath.”
o Dulcé had a solve for kids accidentally ingesting edibles: make the packaging look less like regular candy – She then pulled out an advanced algebra with a hollowed-out spot for her edibles.
· Host Piece – Mayor Eric Adams
o Marlon interviewed Adams, not as himself, but as his “cousin.” A mostly wasted bit.
o Marlon praised Adams’s physique, saying it was “some Arnold Schwarzenegro shit.”
o This one did make me laugh – “Sir, what you f**k you gonna do about the Knicks?”
· Interview – Sports journalist Bomani Jones
o Marlon spent a lot of the interview asking Jones to compare different athletes – When he asked, “Lebron or Michael Jordan?”, Jones replied, “Being number 2 or number 3 is really, really, really, really, really, really good, right? But dude, there’s Jordan and then there’s everybody else.”
o In response to, “Floyd or Ali?”, Jones said, “As my brother, who was much larger than me, used to tell me when I was little, they make weight classes for a reason.”
Wednesday, March 8
· Headlines – Tucker Carlson’s texts about Trump, man commits attack on flight, new TikTok filter, Barbie puts out STEM line
o Marlon had a good reaction to Tucker Carlson’s texts about how much he hates Trump – “Oh, that’s fighting words! White on white crime, let’s go!”
o I also liked Marlon’s suggestion that Fox News hosts take a page from crack dealers’ book and share all their non-Fox-News-friendly opinions through a payphone – I cracked up at Marlon’s impression of Carlson skulking over to a payphone to admit “Black lives do matter!”
o Good line about the attack on the airplane – “Once they saw the guy had a spoon, everyone got real brave. Everyone was like, ‘Oh my god, he got a knife! Aw shit, that’s a spoon? I’m gonna f**k him up, come here!’”
o Marlon was shook by TikTok’s new “bold glamour” filter – “God damn! That’s not a filter, that’s witchcraft!”
o Valid – “Look, we need to ask ourselves two questions: how can we make women less self-conscious about the way they look, and how can we make men more self-conscious about the way they look? Because men will confidently send the ugliest pictures of their dicks to anybody.” Marlon added, “Can someone please teach us how to feel shame?”
o Desi wasn’t a fan of the new Barbie line, modeled after famous scientists – “I know, they’re all so successful! F**k those Barbies, f**k them all! It’s bad enough Barbie was always hotter. Now she’s smarter than me too? I want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body, not my mind.”
o I liked Desi’s plan for a line of more relatable “mediocre Barbies” – “Give me a Barbie who’s okay with letting 5,000 emails pile up in her inbox, okay? A Barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt but knows she can still get another day out of it if she puts a blazer on top.”
· Host Piece – Oscars
o Man on the street bit – Marlon asked one guy if he thought Best Picture was going to Top Gun, Avatar, or “one of the ones I don’t give a shit about.”
o The Women Talking jokes were 1) lazy and 2) went on too long.
· Interview – DJ D-Nice
o D-Nice had a great answer to Marlon asking, “What is it about hip hop?” – He said, “A lot of what I learned growing up that they didn’t teach in school, I learned from the records. So I’m gonna be honest with you, I didn’t know much about Black history until I started listening to Public Enemy and Chuck D and KRS-One. So I feel like hip hop was definitely like the ‘CNN’ of, like, the inner-city community, you know?”
Thursday, March 9
· Headlines – Justice Department investigation into Louisville PD, Tennessee lieutenant governor’s suggestive posts to a young gay man, Maine’s vanity license plate crackdown
o Good intro line – “I almost got through the whole entire week without talking about racist cops. But guess what we’re gonna talk about today?”
o Marlon had a very relatable reaction to the findings that the Louisville police department engages in systemic discrimination – “That’s right. The DoJ launched a two-year investigation to find out something every Black person already knew.”
o A vegan who shared their love of tofu through their license plate was denied by Maine’s DMW – As Marlon put it, “LUVTOFU? Are we sure that car doesn’t belong to the lieutenant governor of Tennessee?”
o Michael had a fun bit with vanity plates of his own, including one that said “MSTR-RACE” – “Can you believe they also said no to this one about my love for NASCAR? I’m Mr. Race! But no, that one actually landed me on some kind of list. Can you believe that?”
· Long Story Short – After-school programs
o Marlon highlighted the decline in after-school programs, due to limited funding and insufficient staffing – “Kids need to stay busy, especially teens. If they don’t have something to do, they’re gonna find something to do. That’s why juvenile crime peaks between 2:00 and 6:00 every day.”
o Important statistic – Studies have shown that, for every dollar states put into after-school programs, that investment is repaid six times over through “lower rates of teenage pregnancy, substance abuse, and crime.”
o Good bit – “Now, that doesn’t mean that every kid in an after-school program is never gonna commit a crime. But if a kid stays off the streets and makes it to college, then someday, he can commit a white-collar crime. That’s the dream!”
o During Arnold Schwarzenegger’s time as governor, he took care to fund after-school programs in California, and since he left office, he’s been raising money for them on his own – After a fundraiser where people paid to see Schwarzenegger crush things with his tank, Marlon said, “We gotta get more celebrities to turn their obsessions into charity. Tom Cruise, start jumping out of airplanes to save baby seals! Snoop Dogg, smoke weed for global warming, baby! Leonardo DiCaprio… well, if you’ve seen his girlfriends, he’s already running an after-school program.”
o Marlon shared some of his own experience about how after-school programs influenced the course of his life – “It makes all the difference to be in a place that keeps you busy, keeps you fed, keeps you protected.”
· Interview – Actor Omar Epps
o When Marlon asked Epps which role was his favorite, he said, “I feel like each role is a piece of a mosaic that’s a bigger thing, that will be done once it’s said and done for—once my time on this Earth is done. So I don’t have a favorite role. I pour the same amount into every role that I pour into the next one.”
o Epps was there to promote his YA book Nubia: The Awakening – While he especially enjoyed imagining what life would be like in the future for teens in New York, he said, “I believe there’s something in there for every kid to take away, because it’s also about escapism. Like, to get them through the next day, you know?”
Marlon was an uneven host for me. His delivery could be hit or miss, and I didn’t care for his goofier bits. But he also had some excellent headline jokes, and when he was on, he hit it well.
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