"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, July 2, 2022

News Satire Roundup: June 26th-June 30th

Sunday, June 26

·        Recap of the Week – Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade

o   John’s response to the Texas attorney general’s office declaring June 24th a holiday was very satisfying – “Nope, fuck you! First of all, June 24th is already a holiday. It’s Solange’s birthday and she does not deserve this on her day. Second, no one wants to go to a “sanctity of life” anti-choice cookout—the potato salad is going to be trash. And finally, you don’t get a holiday to celebrate the loss of rights for millions of people when you already have one and it’s called Columbus Day.”

o   Good line – “Even when planned, pregnancy is a major medical event that rips open your body, rearranges your organs then puts them back in wrong, and anyone who genuinely advocates adoption as a reasonable alternative has clearly never heard the word ‘prolapse.’”

o   Even though Justice Alito’s majority opinion says that decisions like Griswold, Lawrence, and Obergefell aren’t at risk due to this ruling, John replied, “What kind of idiot would even pretend to believe any reassurances from these justices?” – He then added, “You’re right, it’s Susan Collins. Susan Collins would absolutely be that fucking idiot.”

o   Oof, this was good – “So many Democrats sent out requests for money, really fulfilling that old Democratic adage, ‘When they go low, we ask you for $15.’”

o   Excellent closer – “I am not saying that all I want from leaders is shows of anger, but it has been depressing to see so many of them treat the end of Roe v. Wade with the solemnity of a funeral instead of the urgency of a fucking cardiac arrest.”

·        And Now This – Westminster Dog Show

o   The show’s annual montage of “better names” for competing dogs – This year, I especially liked, “The Erotic Cowboy,” “Jeffrey Epstein (no relation,)” “Weird Phil,” and “The Old World is Dying and the New World Struggles to Be Born, Now is the Time of Monsters.”

·        Main Story – Water scarcity

o   I smiled at John describing water as “not just the one thing your houseplant needed that you couldn’t provide.”

o   Sobering statistic – “3.6 billion people, nearly half of the world’s population, live in areas that suffer water scarcity at least one month each year.”

o   The story focused mainly on the American West, which has just had the driest 22-year period since record-keeping began in 800 A.D.

o   Succinct layout of the problem in the response to water scarcity in the region – “It has been a history of denial and wishful thinking, especially around the Colorado River, that is now crashing into harsh reality.”

o   The Colorado River’s water has been significantly divvied up beyond its actual capacity, with theoretical “magic water” seen only in computer simulations included with the actual totals – “Which is absurd, and not only because ‘magic water’ sounds like a euphemism for urine used exclusively by Björk.”

o   One water manager invoked manifest destiny as a reason not to discourage increasing development in areas without the water to sustain it – “Okay, so there is a lot there, including the phrase ‘manifest destiny,’ which as we all know only has good connotations. You know, like, ‘a self-published book about my struggle,’ or, ‘I really want to impress Jodie Foster,’ or, ‘Hello, my name is Ted Cruz.’ No red flags there at all!”

o   When farms tap groundwater for irrigation, that can cause smaller family wells to run dry, leading to families having to collect rainwater to flush their toilets and turn to Craigslist to pay for showers in town – “Wow. Using Craigslist to take a shower. That is legitimately horrifying. How do you even write an ad for that without sounding suspicious?”

o   St. George, Utah, is one of the biggest offenders of irresponsible water usage in the region, with its numerous lavish golf courses – “Golf courses use a shit-ton of water. They are pretty much the dumbest thing to put in the middle of the desert, other than, of course, Burning Man.”

 

Monday, June 27

·        Main StoryRoe v. Wade is overturned

o   Relatable – “Look, I know we expected it because the decision was leaked back in May, but that doesn’t make it any better, you know?”

o   Trevor highlighted the bizarre turn of events of losing a constitutional right – “And by the way, the Constitution didn’t change, right? Nicolas Cage didn’t find a lost passage inside of a pyramid somewhere.”

o   I loved Trevor’s response to Senators Joe Manchin and Susan Collins feeling “tricked” by the justices who’d previously called Roe “settled law” – “By the way, why does Susan Collins never get tricked into improving healthcare or solving climate change? Yeah? She’s never like, ‘Oh, damn it. I accidentally cancelled student loan debt. Get it together, Susan!’”

o   Trevor noted how Justice Thomas “wants to ban rights I didn’t even know could be banned,” citing contraception and gay sex – “At some point, you’re not even a judge anymore. You’re just a cockblock in a fancy robe. That’s all you are.”

o   This was a good observation – “And after half a century of having that right, It’s now being taken away. Which is especially crazy when you consider that countries like Mexico and Ireland are moving forward in the opposite direction. You do realize how weird that is, right? Ireland has had violent conflicts between Christians and other Christians, and even they are looking at America like, ‘Don’t you think you’re taking it a wee bit too far with the Jesus stuff? It’s a little bit too crazy, don’t you think?’”

o   Trevor wasn’t impressed with Democratic lawmakers responding to the ruling with symbolic gestures instead of a plan of action – “I don’t know if anybody voted for the performance aspect. People just want things done, right? No one cares about kente cloths or singing on the Capitol steps, and especially not poetry. All right?”

o   I liked this bit – “Watching the Democrats’ response, and knowing—knowing they had multiple opportunities to get ahead of this, it made me think maybe voters should change things up. You know? Maybe you should do a new thing in America. Instead of fundraising emails, maybe you should do fundrewarding emails, right? Yeah. Make the Democrats show you what they’ve done and then you donate to their cause. Instead of them being like, ‘Donate, and we’ll do something!’ And then they don’t. What are they doing?”

o   I loved this reaction to a bonkers statement by a state representative from Utah – “I’m sorry. Did she say women should ‘control their intake of semen’? How? By turning the little tap that’s on the top of the penis?”

o   Desi was the headline correspondent, and Trevor told her she didn’t have to do the weather, but she insisted, detailing the “shitstorm” hitting red states across the country and causing major “power outages.”

o   She pointed out that this “storm” would affect men too – “I hope you’ve been saving up for a rainy day, because this one might last 18 years.”

o   Meanwhile, the U.S. Capitol was being hit by a “what-the-f**k-nado” – “First, let’s talk about Congress, which is experiencing a severe drought of leadership.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Men allying with women post-Roe

o   Michael talked with a doctor who encouraged more men to get vasectomies as a result of the Supreme Court ruling – “It seems like we either punish, criticize, and judge just the women. And that is an issue because men, actually, were part of the…of that reproductive process. It takes two to tango. And the men seem to be absent in this whole discussion.”

o   Michael was understandably skeptical, but the doctor held firm – “For decades, women have carried the burden of contraception. Men, in general, have assumed that reproductive decisions fall on the shoulders of women. So getting more vasectomies, actually, is gonna show that we care, that we want to participate.”

o   In fact, we’re already starting to see this – After Texas instituted their highly-restrictive abortion ban, there was a 15% surge in vasectomies in the state.

·        Interview – NBA player Draymond Green

o   Green was fresh off his championship win with the Golden State Warriors, and he dished with Trevor on some of his teammates and talked about his own perception as a wildcard off the court.

o   Trevor asked Green how he stays hungry and motivated after winning four championships – Green replied, “Well, LeBron has four, and if I get five, I’m the greatest ever, right?”

o   He elaborated, “My biggest fear when we won the first one was that this feeling is so great, I’ll never feel this again in my life. And, so, you’re just chasing that feeling again.”

Tuesday, June 28

·        Headlines – Rudy Giuliani’s “attack”, January 6th hearing

o   I loved Trevor’s reaction to the security-camera footage of Rudy Giuliani being “attacked,” a.k.a. slapped on the back – “Don’t you laugh! Don’t you dare laugh! This is second-degree assault. That’s how tough New York’s laws are. Third-degree is if you lightly blow on someone’s ear. And first-degree is if you boop them on the nose.”

o   Good line – “No way is that second-degree assault. If that’s assault, then what, I guess Will Smith murdered Chris Rock. That’s what happened there.”

o   Loved this bit – “I love how they say, ‘Rudy declined medical attention.’ Medical attention for what?! For what? That’s the kind of injury where the only thing you could do is kiss it and make it feel better. That’s it.”

o   The show never fails to find good intro descriptions for January 6th – Today, it was, “January 6th: the day Trump supporters tried to play Capture the Flag with Mike Pence’s head.”

o   This made me laugh – “And you know, whenever Congress says, ‘Oh, this is a must-watch!’, you’re like, ‘Ah, that’s what they said about Morbius.’ But let me tell you, people, today’s hearing was insane.”

o   Trevor pointed out that Cassidy Hutchinson, as Mark Meadows’ assistant, was often “in the room where it happens” – He added, “The ‘it’ was overthrowing democracy.”

o   Interesting take on Hutchinson’s statement that Trevor tried to grab the steering wheel of the presidential car when Secret Service wouldn’t take him to the Capitol on January 6th – “This whole thing shows you how lazy Trump is. The Capitol is, like, two miles away. Everyone else walked there. But Trump was, like, ‘Okay, I could walk there, I could walk. Or I could try to steal a car from the Secret Service. Which one is it?’”

·        InterviewMayor Eric Adams

o   I thought Adams’ comparison between Rudy Giuliani and Amy Cooper was interesting – While Cooper was very easily identifiable as a “Karen,” both made false claims to the police, and he argued that Giuliani should be punished for doing so as Cooper was.

o   I appreciated Adams’ message to gentrifiers in historically-Black and brown communities – “Instead of treating communities as though they’re not there—you didn’t discover Brooklyn, you didn’t discover Harlem—come be a part of the communities and bring your flair, bring your character. That’s how you merge together.”

o   Throughout the extended interview (two segments,) he repeatedly emphasized the importance of improving education and making it accessible to all of New York’s kids, not just the white and/or wealthy ones – “If you don’t educate, you will incarcerate. And we’re feeding the criminal justice system, and no one cares. Archbishop Desmond Tutu from South Africa said, ‘We spend a lifetime pulling people out of the river. No one goes upstream and prevent them from falling in in the first place.’ We’re pushing people into the river.”

o   I liked this line – “I’m going after the foundation of people who have been eating off of the dysfunctionality of our communities for years.”

o   However, given that “52% of our taxes are paid by 2% of our New Yorkers,” Adams acknowledged that he had to strike a careful balance, not angering the folks at the top too much.

Wednesday, June 29

·        Headlines – Finland and Sweden become NATO members, Roe v. Wade, canceled flights, Medieval Times workers push to unionize

o   Trevor noted that Russia’s war against Ukraine, to stop the expansion of NATO, has backfired now that Finland and Sweden have joined NATO in response to the war – “It’s sort of like those DARE antidrug programs. Remember those? They try to scare kids away from drugs by sending cops into schools who are like, ‘Gather round. Let me teach you about drugs.’ And then 12-year-old kids were like, ‘Okay, crack sounds fun. We’re doing crack, guys.’”

o   Savage line – “Ever since the Supreme Court decided that having a child is a sacred choice between a woman and her state legislature, abortion laws have been chaos.”

o   With the Roe v. Wade story, we looked in particular at the possibility of state governments using data tracking to identify women seeking out abortions – “How are you gonna search for abortion pills without Google? What, you’re just gonna have to write a question on a piece of paper, throw it out the window, and hope for the best?”

o   I loved this – “I’m sorry, hold on. Did they say that airlines didn’t expect there would be a surge in air travel after the entire planet was trapped in our bedrooms for two years straight, speaking to our grandmas through a hazmat suit? You didn’t expect that shit?”

o   Great line – “First of all, I love Medieval Times, you know? Where else can you get a glimpse of what America’s going to look like when the Supreme Court is done?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – The history of Pride Month

o   This intro made me laugh – “Tomorrow is the last day of Pride Month, after which Ron DeSantis can safely look at a rainbow once again.”

o   Desi looked at some of the marches/protests that predated Pride, such as a D.C. protest to advocate for equal employment opportunities for LGBTQ folks – “That’s right. It used to be legal to fire people just for being gay, which makes no sense. Who you have sex with should have no bearing on whether you get to keep your job. Unless you do it on the copy machine.”

o   At the first Pride parade in New York, one of the slogans chanted by the crowd was “Gay power” – “Which isn’t just a good slogan. It’s also the energy source that keeps the lights running on Broadway.”

·        Interview – Podcast host/author Van Lathan Jr.

o   Lathan was there to discuss his new memoir, Fat, Crazy, and Tired – I really liked what he said about his weight loss, explaining, “When I started writing the book, I had a revelation that, like, there’s something inherently wrong about me telling people how it was that I became socially acceptable.”

o   He also talked about his experience with TMZ and how he urged Harvey Levin to beware of their coverage of Trump before the 2016 election – “The feeling that you feel, being Black, being a woman, being gay in this country, when you can see danger coming and you’re saying to someone who, for whatever reason, you had a relationship with, ‘This is dangerous. This is dangerous.’”

o   He went on to say, “As Black people, we are experts at sounding the alarm.”

Thursday, June 30

·        Headlines – Supreme Court limits EPA authority, verdicts in R. Kelly and Ghislaine Maxwell trials, Prince Charles’ handling of charitable donations, LA county returns land to Black family

o   Good description – “From the moment Amy Coney Barrett was sworn in, it was only a matter of time before the Supreme Court started restoring America back to its factory settings.”

o   I liked Trevor’s response to the Supreme Court limiting the EPA’s power to fight climate change – “It’s always weird to me how America frames some of these stories you know? Like, ‘This is a defeat for the Biden administration.’ It is a defeat for human life! It has nothing to do with Biden.”

o   So valid – “I know these agencies aren’t perfect, but could you imagine if Congress had to approve, like, vaccines? Imagine if you had to wait for them. It would’ve never happened. We’d still all be locked in our houses clapping out of our windows because Congress couldn’t convince Marjorie Taylor Greene that needles weren’t actually a space alien conspiracy.”

o   This bit, about R. Kelly, made me laugh – “Say what you want. That dude is gonna dominate the prison talent show. Yeah. I’m sorry. The guy who won last year? Nobody gives a shit about your juggling act now.”

o   Sadly true – “Let this be a lesson to other prominent sex traffickers. The law will catch up with you. After totally letting you get away with it for, like, 25 years.”

o   Great bit – “I love how they say Prince Charles will no longer accept suitcases full of cash, like he just realized this was a shady thing to do.”

o   Loved this line – “I don’t care what it’s for—suitcase full of cash is always shady. If your grandmother gives you five dollars for your birthday, but she slips it to you in a suitcase…your grandmother’s up to some shit.”

o   Great intro – “Now, many people may or may not know this, but there was a time in America where Black people had their rights and property taken away from them. And it was a period known as all of human history.”

o   Good point – “The government is giving these people back their land. Although, that’s just proof that climate change is real. Yeah. All of a sudden, the government is like, ‘You know what? The oceanfront property can go back to the Black people. Here, take it, take it.’”

o   I loved this insight – “We talk so much about systemic problems, but generational wealth is a systemic solution.”

·        Interview – Cycler Veronica Ivy

o   I appreciated Trevor’s willingness to ask Ivy questions about the debate over trans women’s participation in professional sports. She addressed his questions but continually brought it back to what she felt was the single guiding principle on the issue – “It all boils down to do you think that trans women and intersex women are real women and are really female or not? And if you do, it’s very simple. Just stop policing who counts as a real woman.”

o   She noted that a lot of the same fearmongering over trans women in sports is also applied to women of color for their “unfair advantage” – “Who gets singled out for scrutiny is based on white women’s conceptions of femininity.”

o   While Ivy pointed out that very little scientific research has been done into whether trans women have some sort of “biological advantage” in sports, she went on to say, “I think it’s irrelevant, because we allow all kinds of competitive advantages within women’s sport” – As an example, she pointed to an Olympic women’s high-jump, where the first-place high-jumper was a full ten inches taller than the woman who got tenth place.

o   She disagreed with the notion that trans women should wait for scientific research to be done before they should be allowed to compete – “The way that human rights work is that the default is inclusion and the burden of proof is on the people seeking to exclude, not the people seeking to include.”

·        Interview – Actress Moses Ingram

o   I laughed at Ingram’s defensive reaction when she admitted that she hadn’t seen any of the Star Wars films before she was cast in Obi-Wan Kenobi, protesting, “I have now!”

o   I really liked what she said about her involvement in creating Reva’s hairstyle for the show, pushing back against an early design that would’ve given her straight hair – “Hair was really important to me. Like, if a kid wanted to be me for Halloween, it would be weird to me if they had to wear a wig because I wore a wig when I have hair like them.”

o   Ingram and Trevor talked training for light saber fights, and Trevor got super excited when he found out the props they used for training make the actual light saber sounds in response to motion – He was even more excited when Ingram told him they were available commercially.

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