"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, May 23, 2020

News Satire Roundup: May 17th-May 21st


Sunday, May 17
·       Recap of the Week – lockdown breakers, Richard Bright’s House testimony, FBI investigation into Sen. Richard Burr
o   Great summation, that this crisis has “career public health officials, on the record, basically saying, ‘Shit’s fucking shit, motherfuckers’”
·       And Now This – Rachael Ray filming shows from home
·       Main Story – sports in the age of COVID-19
o   Interesting story on the effects of shutting down sports (with the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs,) and people discussing/theorizing what it would take to bring sports back
o   In the midst of things, naturally there’s an opportunity to pivot to Adam Driver. This time, in addition to the usual thirsty/violent pleas, John went off on a ramble about just what his obsession with Driver might signify
o   Loved John’s reaction to the construction of “Fight Island” to hold boxing matches – “Is that a clever name? No. Is it the perfect name? Yes!
o   Ugh, of course people are planning a comeback for college sports with little regard for the risk to the student athletes
o   Strong point that even a “bubble league” that isolates everyone involved for the duration of the season would likely involve a minimum of 10,000 people, and I appreciated how John showed that Germany’s attempt to do that sort of thing almost immediately ran into issues (and, as he pointed out, Germany has a much better handle on COVID-19 than the U.S. does)
o   I liked what John said about sports being an inspiration, helping people pull together, but that resuming too soon would instead make them “a cautionary tale”
o   Luckily, John’s here with the save, as always! Last Week Tonight is now sponsoring the 2020 season for Jelle’s Marble Runs, competitive marble-racing from Norway


Sunday, May 18
·       Main Story – COVID-19 and the Rent Crisis
o   Hasan’s back! Although he was a little down on his remote-shooting setup (“Don’t think of this as a Netflix show compromising – think of it as a YouTube video overachieving!”), they were still able to have his usual dynamic graphics behind him. Plus, by now, I’m so used to no live audience that it barely even registered for me
o   We spent the episode looking at the “perfect storm” coming our way as the mass unemployment from COVID-19 jeopardizes people’s ability to pay their rent – “If you’re gonna shelter-in-place, you’re kinda gonna need the shelter”
o   Great demonstration of the “economic game of dominoes” that would result from “cancelling rent” without any federal aid, with the landlords then being unable to pay their mortgages/insurance/property taxes, and the states in turn losing money for firefighters/police/etc.
o   I was shook when Hasan said that the eviction moratoriums in the CARES Act only cover 28% of renters, with the rest falling under a hodgepodge of state regulations – bless the show for buying a domain name that easily leads to a site telling people whether their building qualifies
o   Great burn on Skype – “You had a 17-year head start, and Zoom ate your lunch in 2 weeks!”
o   I enjoyed the revelation that, after Wall St. and foreign dicators, Patriot Act’s greatest enemy is shredded coconut – “How do you eat something that looks like the Pillbury Doughboy’s pubes? (Jesus, that that [graphic] down! It’s Ramadan.)”


Monday, May 18
·       Ray of Sunshine – A Michigan priest squirting socially-distanced holy water with a water gun, bikinis with matching face masks, one-on-one classical concerts in Germany
o   Trevor’s reactions to the “trikinis” were funny – “Even during a pandemic, humanity is still adapting to find a way to post thirst traps”
o   I also laughed at the idea of chins becoming a turn-on when they’re always hidden behind masks – “Oh yeah, baby, show me that anterior mandible!”
·       Headlines – Promising results of an early vaccine trial, Eric Trump claims the coronavirus is a Democratic hoax, Trump fires the inspector general investigating Mike Pompeo
o   Describing Eric Trump as “baby Voldemort” was great
o   Trevor thought Trump’s habit of firing people with oversight of his administration was akin to “a toddler firing their babysitter”
·       Main Story – Virtual commencement speeches
o   Obama’s speech (“the world’s loudest subtweet”) got most of the attention – Trevor admired the way Obama put Trump on blast without ever saying his name
o   Fantastic impression of Karl Rove calling Obama’s speech “a political driveby” – “This was no time for a rap battle. This was Trump’s movie, and Obama was talking loudly during it. What a black day in American history”
o   I also loved Trevor’s point about Fox News wringing their hands over Obama’s “lack of decorum” when Trump “literally interrupted a pandemic briefing to remind everyone he used to bone models”
o   Excellent dark humor on the sketch of the coronavirus giving its own commencement speech – “When they try to flatten your curve, just keep on climbing”
·       Correspondent piece (Jaboukie) – How the ultra-wealthy do COVID-19
o   Man, Jaboukie was looking frazzled/unhinged in this piece, and given his likely quarantine experience compared with the people he was talking about, it’s understandable
o   He brought the indignation/bafflement hard – “They’ve got a luxury bunker and an escape helicopter! I didn’t even know that was a type of helicopter!”
·       Interview – former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright
o   I liked the beginning, where Albright told Trevor about her “V for Victory” broach and discussed similarities she sees between the pandemic and her childhood in wartime England – “People had no control over where the bombs fell. They only had control over their behavior”
o   In discussing diplomacy, Trevor had good questions on Trump’s seeming comfort “dismissing people who are tasked with overseeing” his administration

Tuesday, May 19
·       Ray of Sunshine – Chuck E. Cheese tries to boost delivery sales, a South Korean soccer stadium puts sex dolls in the stands, dramatic increase in bike sales
o   So Chuck E. Cheese changed its name on GrubHub to trick people into ordering delivery – “This is officially the weirdest episode of Catfish ever”
o   Trevor’s pitch for bike sales – “Bikes are like a Pelaton that lets you ride away from your husband who’s telling you to lose weight”
·       Headlines – France requires face masks but bans burqas and niqabs, the first virtual jury court case, additional COVID-19 symptoms
o   France: “the only country that lets you add your mistress to your family cell phone plan”
o   Trevor wasn’t happy about these new coronavirus symptoms – “Delirium, agitation, and confusion are just symptoms of being in quarantine!”
·       Main Story – Trump’s IG firing & the reveal that he’s taking hydroxychloroquine
o   Trump’s “explanation” for why he fired the inspector general, oof – I loved Trevor’s, “Is it just me, or is this like the 50th time Trump has fired someone ‘he’s never heard of?’”
o   Trevor’s only response to Trump’s hydroxychloroquine news was, “I feel so bad for this guy’s Secret Service”
o   I appreciated the response to Nancy Pelosi’s jab at Trump’s weight and the jokes that followed on social media – “Trump’s not an asshole because of what goes into his mouth. He’s an asshole because of what comes out of his mouth”
·       Correspondent piece (Jordan) – healthcare worker counter-protests
o   Jordan interviewed two healthcare workers who’ve been taking a stand against anti-lockdown protesters
o   I laughed when a nurse noted that the crowd of protesters was smaller than it was last time and Jordan commented, “You think the reopen people are looking around and saying, ‘Our numbers are going down – should we maybe look into that…?’”
o   I loved the remark that these workers are fighting on two frontlines, against both “the virus and the bullshit”
·       Interview – CASA NYC executive director Kerry Moles & former foster child Brieanna Hayes
o   Nice interview looking at the foster care system from the professional and personal side, with Trevor interviewing someone who works within the system along with someone who’s been through it
o   I appreciated Trevor asking Hayes to describe what people don’t know, or wrongly assume, about her life and her experience
o   Hayes also had a great answer backing up her belief that she’s become successful because of her experiences in the foster care system – “Am I gonna stay mad about it? Am I gonna stay stagnant or am I gonna be better than the situation I’m in?”

Wednesday, May 20
·       Ray of Sunshine – A jazz serenade for New Orleans healthcare workers, a British WWII vet knighted for raising millions for the NHS, a scientific discovery that the news is calling possible evidence of a parallel universe
o   I liked the bit about surgeons in New Orleans overhearing the jazz music and being powerless to keep from dancing in the OR
o   The British veteran raised 40 million dollars doing a “charity walk” of laps in his backyard – as Trevor put it, proof that “people in every country around the world are desperate for sports right now”
o   At first, the notion of a parallel universe where time moves backwards seems great – no COVID-19, no Trump, Obama’s back – but all of the sudden, it’s, “Oh shit, now slavery is back! I didn’t think this through!”
·       Headlines – Allegations that Mike Pompeo misused taxpayer money, Trump threatens to withhold state election funds over voting by mail, Georgia’s COVID-19 case data may have been manipulated to support reopening decision
o   Nothing makes Trump madder than “showing him that shirtless photo of Obama and giving people access to mail-in voting”
o   Great fake ad for a “coronavirus edition” of Excel that manipulates case numbers however you want it to – “Data doesn’t lie, but now you can!”
·       Main Story – The debate over face masks
o   Trevor thought the face mask study using hamsters should’ve been conducted with tiny masks on the hamsters instead of regular-sized masks draped over the cages – “For a bunch of virologists, you guy don’t know shit about going viral!”
o   Another great impression of a so-called “anti-masker” – “‘I’m not a sheep, I’m free! I don’t want a car with brakes!’ Yeah, but the rest of us don’t want your free ass coming through our windshield!”
·       Interview – Activist Jose Antonio Vargas
o   Really strong points about how many undocumented immigrants that the U.S. treats like criminals/disposable are working in essential industries right now
o   Vargas promoted “Immigrad,” an online graduation event celebrating the achievements of immigrants and first-generation kids that are graduating this spring
·       Interview – NBA player Chris Paul
o   At the start of the interview, Trevor noted that Paul is president of the NBA Players Union, so part of his role right now involves discussing strategies for bringing basketball back safely
o   Paul is beginning a documentary about how COVID-19 has affected the NBA – Trevor recalled how the suspension of the NBA season, for many people, was the moment things began to get real in the pandemic

Thursday, May 21
·       Ray of Headlines – Study on cannabis and COVID-19, Las Vegas prepares for reopening, Mike Pence restaurant appearance
o   I loved Trevor calling weed, among other things, “jazz spinach”
o   Good comment wondering who needs gambling right now when we take “the ultimate bet” every time we step into Whole Foods
o   Mike Pence: “the guy who covers his eyes when Simba and Nala kiss”
·       Headlines – Flooding in Michigan, Lori Loughlin pleads guilty in college admission scandal, around half the Twitter accounts spreading coronavirus misinformation are bots
o   With the dams breaking in Michigan, Trevor noted that Trump’s years-long promises to improve infrastructure hasn’t resulted into building anything but the border wall – the solution? Tell Trump that “Mexicans are hiding in the water” in Michigan
o   Ah, Lori Loughlin, “yet another famous rich white lady getting sucked into the prison system – you hate to see it”
·       Main Story – Teaching amid the pandemic
o   It was neat to see some of the creative ways teachers have tried to keep remote classes engaging, like the teacher who rewards his students’ efforts by doing online challenges
o   Fun impression of kids seeing their teachers outside of school (this was in reference to teachers biking to students’ houses for socially-distanced pop quizzes, but the impression was the more usual, non-pandemic scenario) – “Mr. Donaldson, what are you doing at the mall? Why are you holding that lady’s hand? Where’s your blackboard? Are you living a secret life?”
o   I liked the fake ad for “Zoomstitutes,” offering the same services as regular subs over Zoom – my favorites were Roy as the “inspirational inner-city substitute” and Michael as the “stuck-in-the-past substitute” still obsessing over the tennis championship he lost in 2005
·       Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Interview with a Florida man protesting beach openings by going to beaches dressed as the Grim Reaper in black PPE
o   This was the money quote – “Our governor is making a choice to not do the right thing”
·       Interview – actress Taraji P. Henson
o   Henson was promoting her charitable organization to bring mental health services to underserved communities – she and Trevor discussed their own experiences with mental health (and the accompanying stigma in the Black community) and how quarantine has been forcing people to reckon with their mental health in ways they’ve maybe been able to avoid before
o   She also showed off the “friends” she has in isolation, the mannequin heads and hands in her home practice salon

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