"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, May 2, 2020

News Satire Roundup: April 27th-April 30th


No lie, I almost posted this with the title “March 27th-March 30th” because time has lost all meaning. Caught it just before I put it up.


Monday, April 27
·       Ray of Sunshine – 24-hour “clapping” fundraiser, prom in the age of social distancing
o   I liked the speculation on the fundraiser guys varying his 24 hours of clapping, include such claps as “the Nancy Pelosi clap” and “the inspirational clap at the end of a movie”
o   Maybe I’m just sentimental in quarantine, but my heart is always warmed by people’s ingenuity in finding ways to connect, like schools hosting virtual proms
·       Headlines – Kids in Spain allowed outside to play, Japanese mayor says women “take too long” for socially-distanced grocery shopping, South Africa’s president fails to put on a mask
o   Trevor had some good points on why women “take too long” at the store opposed to men – women “waste time” getting carts/baskets while men only bring home what they can carry, women look for the items on their lists while men says, “I couldn’t find soy milk, so I just got soy sauce and regular milk, we’ll mix them together!”
o   South Africa’s president failing to put on a mask was hilarious! I liked Trevor’s crack that it looked like he wasn’t sure which part of his face was the mouth
o   But seriously, I appreciated that point that he owned up to his dumb mistake and moved on from it in good humor, unlike some world leaders who are the focus of the next story
·       Main Story – Trump’s “disinfectant” comments
o   I loved Trevor’s description of Trump as “the dumbest person in the room thinking he’s the smartest. He’s like Neville Longbottom with Hermione’s confidence!”
o   I also liked the note that much of the uptick in calls about drinking disinfectants was (thankfully) people asking if they should do so – “Even people who are dumb enough to drink bleach are smart enough not to trust what Trump says”
·       Correspondent Piece (Roy) – Haircuts and Quarantine
o   It was nice that actual hair-cutting was secondary to Roy’s real aim – getting “the full Black barbershop experience,” like debating Lebron vs. Kobe
o   The barber had a great response, telling Roy that the best way to help barbers is for everyone to do their part and stay home, because shops won’t be able to open again until we have this thing more under control
·       Interview – Atlanta mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms
o   Good point about the perfect storm for some devastating coronavirus conditions in southern states, looking at the combination of underlying health conditions and widespread poverty
o   I liked her observation that Governor Kemp’s steps to reopening ignore metropolitan areas like Atlanta, painting all of Georgia as a rural expanse where social distancing isn’t an issue

Tuesday, April 28
·       Ray of Sunshine – progress on a vaccine, a remote reporter not wearing pants, official videos of UFOs
o   So relatable – “As soon as there’s a vaccine, the first thing I’m going to do is make plans with all my friends that I have no intention of keeping!”
o   Trevor has too much going on to worry about aliens on top of everything else (“Apparently I’m expected to wash both hands now? And thumbs?!”)
·       Headlines – Sweden may be approaching herd immunity, more past warnings Trump ignored, Mike Pence clarifies past promises on testing and goes maskless on a hospital visit
o   Good riff on Trevor’s discomfort with referring to people as “herds” – “Nothing good ever happens to a herd!”
o   So when Mike Pence said six weeks ago that we’d soon have 4 million tests, he never meant that we’d have the capability to actually run them? Loved Trevor’s comparison to a dad telling his kids, “I told you I’d take you to Disneyland, not inside it!”
o   Great impression of Mike Pence not wearing a mask at Mayo Clinic – “It’s okay, I don’t believe in science”
·       Main Story – Many big corporations took advantage of Paycheck Protection Program loans meant for small businesses
o   Good point that what these corporations did wasn’t actually illegal. They just exploited an opportunity because of course they did – I loved, “Companies gon’ company, y’all”
o   I also appreciated Trevor’s note that many small businesses are owned by women and/or Black people, who can have difficulty getting loans under normal circumstances
·       Correspondent piece (Michael) – Travel-show-style “tour” of Michael’s apartment
o   My favorite part was when Michael looked at the window, got mad about kids playing outside, and sank into an existential crisis (highlights included, “Is there such a thing as time?” and, “Should I give myself to the sea?”)
·       Interview – Senator Tammy Duckworth
o   Great question from Trevor about Congress passing legislation with “blinders” on, acting as though problems and solutions are one-size-fits-all when Black communities are disproportionately affected
o   Duckworth’s description of the “taskforce meetings” she’s sat in on about reopening the economy was depressing, especially the administration’s inability to state how many tests we even have, let alone how many we’ll realistically need to reopen

Wednesday, April 29
·       Ray of Sunshine – A real-life Tupac Shakur in Kentucky, New Zealanders flocking to McDonald’s as lockdown eases, recreating Met Gala looks at home, an asteroid narrowly misses Earth, the Thunderbirds and Blue Angels fly over New York
o   Great jokes on the coronavirus making people reevaluate their lives, as seen in the McDonald’s stuff – “Get me a Big Mac and some cocaine, I’m just living my life!!”
o   I also liked the crack that some New Zealanders rushed to the drivethrough purely for the social interaction
o   So true: “If you put any household object on your head, chances are, someone wore it at the Met Gala”
o   Counterproductive that everyone crowded outside to see the Blue Angels – I loved Trevor’s comparison to sending a shirtless Channing Tatum into the streets telling people to stay inside
·       Headlines – U.S. cases pass 1 million, children may fall behind on other vaccines to due the pandemic, the Oscars temporarily lift rule requiring movies to screen in theaters
o   Shaking my head at Trump squaring his old “We have 15 cases, soon it’ll be down to zero” comment with the current numbers by saying, “It will be down to zero eventually.” Yeah, guy, ‘cause that’s definitely what you meant at the time
o   I also liked Trevor questioning Trump’s assurance that we’ll be down to zero “at the appropriate time,” as if he’s just been waiting for the right moment to spring into action
o   With the interrupted vaccine schedules, good analogy with COVID-19 as “that one friend who distracts the bouncer while everybody else sneaks in”
o   Re: the new Oscar rules, I never pass up a good #OscarsSoWhite joke – “They still have to be white, though. Come on, this is corona, not the end of the world!”
·       Main story – Impact of the pandemic on the food supply chain
o   I laughed at “Trump really shows you where his priorities are,” showing how quickly he invoked the Defense Production Act to keep meatpacking plants in operation compared to how slow he was to do the same for ventilators and PPE
o   After a brewery had to dump 100s of gallons of no-longer-in-demand craft beer down the drain, “the hipster rats are having the time of their lives!”
·       Correspondent piece (Ronny, Jaboukie, Desi & Roy) – What they miss during the pandemic
o   As amusing as some of their off-the-wall answers were (Roy: “Going to the zoo and telling the seals I’m disappointed in them,”) the real answers were almost more bizarre in how mundane/true they were (Desi: “Eating anything outside my home”)
·       Interview – Maryland governor Larry Hogan
o   He had some nice remarks about cooperation between governors, working together in the absence of the federal government
o   I appreciated Trevor’s questions about synchronicity on reopening plans. He’s right – to a large extent, we’ll all sink of swim together, and with interstate travel, one state with insufficient procedures can cripple those around it (the news that planes are packed again made my skin crawl)

Thursday, April 30
·       Ray of Sunshine – COVID-19 Heroes action figures, a Spanish news anchor’s mistress caught on camera during remote broadcast, e-sports under consideration for the Olympics
o   “You don’t need superpowers to be a superhero! You could be a doctor, or a delivery person, or Hawkeye!” – I’m always down for a Daily Show Hawkeye joke
o   I also liked the comment that Fisher-Price should make COVID-19 villains too, like the senator who doesn’t want people getting unemployment
o   Trevor lectured the philandering Spanish news anchor on the importance of a neutral background when working from home – “The only things people should see behind you are some books you’ve never read and a couple trophies you got for coming in last place in a marathon”
·       Headlines – Unlocking iPhones when it can’t recognize you with a face mask on, Elon Musk rants about stay-at-home orders, a bogus ventilator contract created when someone tweeted at President Trump, strange dreams during the pandemic
o   Elon Musk, yeesh. Trevor’s impression was great, railing against all the places you “can’t” go to but-not-really anymore (grocery stores, outside for a walk, beaches in some states) and ending on, “But you definitely can’t go to H&M, and that is the definition of fascism!”
o   Another good crack at Musk, a proponent of simulation theory – “Yo, yo, the universe might be fake, but my stock prices are real!”
·       Main story – Connecting with neighbors
o   I love these kinds of stories – two girls playing tennis from separate building rooftops, neighbors gathering for a socially-distanced “happy hour” when they take out their trash, a balcony DJ turning his building into a nightclub
o   But man, that guy seeing his neighbor through binoculars and then sending a drone to ask her out? COVID-19 or not, that sounds, as Trevor said, like “the first half-hour of a Dateline episode
·       Correspondent piece (Roy & Michael) – Sports catch-up: The Last Dance documentary, baseball in Asia, former Patriots becoming Buccaneers
o   Easy joke, but I laughed at Roy and Michael’s worries over prolonged delays to football season – “Tom Brady doesn’t have much time left! He’s already 68 years old!”, “Careful, Tom, you’re in the most vulnerable age group!”
·       Interview – Shake Shack founder Danny Meyer
o   Good points about the dilemma of social distancing needs vs. the viability of sustaining a restaurant, which can’t feasibly run at 25% capacity – makes me wonder what the situation in restaurants will look like as we move forward
o   Trevor of course asked about the small-business loan Shake Shack took and then gave back, and while I think Meyer was quasi-successful in making the restaurant come across well there, he also avoided quite a few salient points

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