News Satire Roundup: April 12th-April 16th

Today, I'm staying home for Alan Menken.

Sunday, April 12 – We got straight to the main story looking at how the COVID-19 crisis is affecting workers, namely 1) the unemployed and 2) those in essential industries. Nothing like the social-distancing measures combating a global pandemic to make you think, “Hey, maybe linking health insurance to employment isn’t a great idea!” And of course people doing critical jobs right now are being publicly lauded by their employers and privately denied any monetary or physical protections. John’s impression of GOP resistance to implementing protections was savage – “But if we help people today, the Democrats will just want to help more people tomorrow!” – and I loved his point on how COVID-19 has amplified so many societal problems, from healthcare to homelessness to racial inequality, that are exacerbating the crisis. At the end, though, a glimmer of hope: John found his rat erotica painting! We all needed that.

Monday, April 13 – Lots of quick blurbs. Among others, Simone Biles took the handstand challenge to the next level, taking out the trash has turned into a dress-up occasion, and (sigh) China blames Africa for new cases of the virus. I liked Trevor pointing out all the non-COVID-19 things you can blame Africans for (hoarding all the diamonds, blocking South America’s view of India.) Next, we looked at Easter services under social distancing. I liked the line that God never appears face-to-face, preferring to communicate through burning bushes or rainbows, and the footage of select churches going about business as usual was chilling. “The demons are cast out, but only because coronavirus has moved in!” Desi talked with a psychologist on managing panic but wasn’t reassured when he said it’s important to be able to trust leadership. The guest, Claire Babineaux-Fontenot, discussed food banks and how we can help out right now.

Tuesday, April 14 – The best blurbs today were Obama endorsing Joe Biden, the WWE being declared an essential industry (“I saw you touch your hands without washing your hands! I’m gonna flatten your curve!”), and people in South Korea showing evidence of reinfection (I loved the line, “How’s coronavirus showing up for the sequel when the first movie isn’t even over yet?”) The main story was on the question of reopening the economy, with Trump claiming he has “total” authority over the states. Great point that Trump’s left governors high and dry throughout the crisis but suddenly wants to call all the shots. The correspondents gave some do’s and don’t’s on video chatting, from “do mute yourself when you’re not talking” to “don’t use your cute pet to distract your coworkers from your poor performance.” Astronaut Christina Koch was the guest, with some good advice for dealing with social distancing.

Wednesday, April 15 – I laughed at judges reminding lawyers they still have to wear shirts on Zoom, and I liked Trevor’s observation on that – “I can’t take legal advice from him! Oh wait, he tied some silk around his neck, he’s a professional!” We also covered a family inventing the Quarantine Olympics, an old woman sending out an SOS for more beer, and Trump’s staggering decision to withhold funding from the WHO amid the crisis. Good story on unemployment and the crumbling systems that forestall the process; my heart broke for the woman who still couldn’t get through after 2000 calls to the unemployment office. Jaboukie dealt with self-isolation boredom, having “finished Netflix” (he’s now watching all the shows backwards – Breaking Bad is about a drug lord who cleans up his act and becomes a teacher!) The guest was Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot. I got a kick out of her memes to keep people inside.

Thursday, April 17 – After a “1 month quarantine anniversary” montage, Trevor enjoyed another “animals reclaiming the world” viral video, this time of a pizza-eating groundhog. We also covered the push to declare Dr. Fauci the Sexiest Man Alive (“People Magazine should change its name to Person! Social distancing!”) and Emmanuel Macron urging a global ceasefire during the pandemic. Interesting, if depressing, story on COVID-19 conspiracy theories ranging from racist to absurd (and, in the case of the theory that 5G causes coronavirus, “biologically impossible.”) Trevor and Lewis caught up, commiserating that every generation deals with self-isolation equally poorly while Lewis partook in some homemade “toilet wine.” Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was the guest. He shared about his place on Trump’s taskforce for reopening the economy, discussing the challenges in that question and what will be needed to move forward.