I wound
up hanging with friends for New Year’s Eve last night and didn’t get a chance
to post. Here’s yesterday’s, and if I get a chance, I’ll put today’s up before
I go to bed tonight.
In the
two years since the Harvey Weinstein scandal, when countless allegations of
sexual harassment have been brought into the open, Hollywood and many other
arenas have developed a thriving cottage industry in powerful people getting
“MeToo’d” (I hate the use of that phrase as a verb.) We’ve all heard this song
before. Accusations, sometimes numerous, frequently stomach-churning, always
horrible. Response, ranging from denial to apology. Possible repercussions,
such as getting fired from a position of power, a tour getting canceled, or
being replaced in a movie by Christopher Plummer. Period of isolation. Return
to prominence, quietly at first but growing louder and more entitled at every
turn. A frenzy of reactions, split between “So you’re just letting him back
in?!?” and “He’s already served his sentence!!” (even though shockingly-few of
these predators have faced any type of criminal accountability.) Wash, rinse,
repeat.
It’s a
thoroughly-disheartening cycle, and I could speak at length on any stage of it.
Today, though, I want to look particularly at the “response” step, because I
feel it’s critical when looking at the later question of how/when it’s
appropriate to talk about redemption. How alleged sexual harassers and
predators respond to accusations against them tells you pretty much everything
you need to know that where this person’s head is in terms of genuine remorse
or a desire to make amends. And, unsurprisingly, the overwhelming majority of
it is entirely unencouraging.
First, of
course, even though the title of this post is about apologies, I do have to
bring up those who don’t even pretend to apologize. Already, there are some old
chestnuts in here. I believe women, but the women accusing me are all liars (James Franco.) I’ve always treated women with the utmost respect! (Brett Kavanaugh.) If
I was going to sexually assault
someone, it wouldn’t be an uggo like that! (President Trump.)
But then,
there are those who apologize, or more accurately, “apologize.” Because, far
and away, most of these aren’t really apologies. They’re excuses and handwaving
disguised by a contrite expression, quite possibly said in such a way that
makes it sound like they’re the real
victim. These “apologies” don’t have anything to do with offering restitution
for the pain, trauma, and humiliation these prepetrators caused, they’re all
about putting on a sad face for a bit in the hopes of mitigating any
consequences for themselves. Weirdly enough, not many of them even contain the
words “I’m sorry.” But boy, do we have “apologies” in every shade. I’m sorry if
you were offended/got the wrong impression (Morgan Freeman.) That’s not me, not
really (Dustin Hoffman.) By the way, is this a good time for me to tell you I’m
gay? (Kevin Spacey.) It was a different time (Harvey Weinstein.) But no one
told me I couldn’t masturbate in
front of my colleagues! (Louis C.K.) Have this cinnamon roll recipe! (Mario Batali.) And on, and on, and on.
To be
honest, during the last two years, I’ve only seen one apology that seemed more
like an apology instead of damage control. One.
Yes, in fairness, I’ve not read every single word from every accused sexual
harasser/predator out there, but as you can see, I’ve read a lot. And one apology that feels honest is way too
few. That solitary apology, no quotation marks necessary, was from Dan Harmon.
He’s been the only one, for me, that has seemed to really engage with what he
did. He doesn’t speak in vagueries and he doesn’t contort his syntax to put the
onus of the victim’s misperception of his innocent intent. He doesn’t make
excuses. He speaks specifically about what he did, why it was wrong, how it
hurt the victim, and how he screwed up his own life because of it. Most
significantly he confesses, “I certainly wouldn’t have been able to do it if I
had any respect for women.” He talks about how he lied to himself at the time
and told himself that his behavior was because he was in love, but in his
apology, he faces up to the fact that it was inherently sexist and
categorically wrong.
That, I think, is what an apology looks like. It
doesn’t change what Dan Harmon did, but it shows that he recognizes how awful
it was and the ugliness that fueled it. It shows his willingness to accept the
repercussions his actions had for him and his readiness to engage with being a
better person. Most of all, it shows how entirely his victim didn’t deserve how
he treated her. It demonstrates guts as well as heart, and to me, it signals
someone who’s started to work toward
redemption, rather than lying low for ten months and then expecting to be
welcomed back with open arms.
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