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Sunday, October 22
· Recap of the Week – Gaza, House speaker race, new charges for Rep. Bob Menendez
o A former U.S. general argued that Israel was right to starve civilians in Gaza, saying, “It sounds callous, but I mean, this is a war.” – “What?!? It is a war, but what you’re describing is a war crime, and one thing does not justify the other.”
o News recently came out about texts shared between Bob Menendez and his wife about their crimes – “Oh, that sounds fine. Just normal couple stuff there, texting about thousands of rounds of tank ammunition.”
o Yikes – “It’s not a great sign that Politico ran the actual headline ‘Is it Legal for Senator to Work as a Foreign Agent? The Answer Won’t Surprise You.’”
o Some good burns on Menendez – “He looks like a Keebler elf became a tax accountant. He looks like what would happen if you combined the old man and the little boy from Up into a single person.”
· And Now This – Some Things That Turn Stuart Varney On
o This montage was the epitome of, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
o Kudos to the one Fox colleague who heard Varney talking about how stock buybacks turn him on (or something) and said, “Does it? I don’t think we needed to know it.”
· Main Story – McKinsey & Company
o What is McKinsey & Company? It’s one of the biggest management consulting firms in the U.S. – “As the humble McKinsey founder put it, ‘There are only three great institutions left in the world: the Marines, the Catholic Church, and McKinsey.’”
o Nice point – “If this is the first time you’re hearing McKinsey’s name, don’t be embarrassed. Because for a company’s that’s got so much reach, it’s gone out of its way to try and keep a low profile.”
o Great line – “A partner once said, ‘We don’t learn from clients. Their standards aren’t high enough. We learn from other McKinsey partners.’ A sentence so smug that, even if you just read it, you’d have automatically heard my accent in your head. Because that is not just smug, that is British empire smug.”
o Loved this – “Essentially, McKinsey is a firm that projects a huge amount of confidence to sell a frequently unremarkable product at sky-high prices, making them truly the Salt Bae of companies.”
o Some of McKinsey’s illustrious clients include tobacco companies (as recently as 2021!) and Purdue Pharma – sigh, of course.
o After Riker’s hired McKinsey to come up with strategies to reduce inmate violence, there was a 50% increase in inmate violence – “Honestly, you’ve gotta kinda hand it to McKinsey there. Not many firms could get paid $27 million of taxpayer money to leave Riker’s somehow even worse.”
o McKinsey has also exhibited absolutely ludicrous conflicts of interests, including having employees who worked with Purdue and the FDA at the same time – “Hold on, McKinsey. Which is it then? Was the work you did for the FDA totally different, or did it help you bring an ‘unequaled capability’ to Purdue? Because it can’t be both! This isn’t Schrodinger’s contract; you don’t get to claim it both relevant and unrelated depending on who the fuck you’re talking to.”
o We ended with one of the show’s “honest ads” – I loved, “We at McKinsey genuinely believe great consultants can come from anywhere. That’s why our workforce includes an incredibly diverse array of graduates from all over the Ivy League. Even Cornell!”
o Amazing – “We’ve got clients that appeal to every interest: local interests, foreign interests, and even conflicts of interest.”
o Great ending line – “We’re McKinsey, and we’re capable of everything and culpable for nothing.”
Desus Nice was this week’s guest host. At the start of the week, he explained, “For those of you at home who might be confused, I’m not Charlamagne. I’m the other bald Black guy. Unless I f**k it up, in which case, I am Charlamagne.”
Monday, October 23
· Headlines – Viral video of Taylor Swift at Kansas City Chiefs game, man fakes heart attacks to skip out on restaurant checks, audio released of Texas representative berating staff, House speaker race
o This made me smile – “Let’s ease into everything with some sports news. And by sports news, I mean Taylor Swift, America’s sweetheart! She did some charity over the weekend by shining a light on a little unknown sport called football.”
o Swift was filmed celebrating a touchdown with the wife of the Chiefs’ quarterback – “Also, props to Brittany Mahomes. She went from being a quarterback’s wife to Taylor’s BFF. That’s like the highest level a white woman can get.”
o A man skipped out on 20 restaurant bills in Spain by pretending he was having a heart attack – “But you know, this scam only works in a country with universal healthcare. In America, healthcare is so bad, people pretend they’re not having a heart attack to save money.”
o Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee was recorded thoroughly cursing out her staff – “Listen, if you get an older Black woman to talk like that, you f**ked all the way up.”
o Now that Jim Jordan is out, nine Republicans are now vying for the House speakership. “For some reason,” Desus was leaning toward Byron Donalds – “For real, though, look at this group of contenders. They look like somebody put a bottle of Hershey’s syrup in the mayonnaise aisle.”
o Desus asked Desi, “What can Republicans do to find a speaker?” – She replied, “Well, they can do what women have been doing for centuries: they can settle. They’re not getting any younger. It’s time to accept a speaker who’s ‘good enough.’”
· Host Piece – What makes a “real” New Yorker?
o Just a person-on-the-street piece, checking people’s New York cred – After one man described how he was “born and bred,” Desus explained, “That’s how you know he’s a real New Yorker. He told me the hospital, okay? I did not ask him.”
o One running theme was people trashing the Bronx, which is the borough Desus is from – The most generous thing anyone said about it was, “It’s just far, bro. It’s a far-ass train ride.”
o Everyone Desus talked to was on the same page about advice for people who want to move to New York – “Mind your business.”
· Interview – Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
o Desus asked Ocasio-Cortez about the nonstop hate she gets online – She said, “You know, it’s not that different than the 6 train at midnight sometimes.”
o This question from Desus cracked me up – “I know people are saying Congress doesn’t really get anything done right now because of the shutdown, but what were you guys getting done before?”
o The two discussed New York mayor Eric Adams’s recent anti-immigrant rhetoric – Ocasio-Cortez said, “I always love when people talk about, like, ‘Oh, well, you know, my great-grandfather came, and he wrote his name wrong on a book, and now he’s a citizen.’ And, like, can we put two and two together, that our processes today are so difficult that they make our immigration process difficult.”
Tuesday, October 24
· Headlines – House speaker race, off-duty pilot tries to crash a plane, real estate fraud scheme connected to DJ Envy and Cesar Piña
o Rep. Tom Emmer only lasted as the GOP’s speaker candidate for four hours – “Martin Scorsese’s out here making movies that last longer than speaker candidates.”
o Desus was disappointed that Emmer’s speakership didn’t work out, given an amusing Zoom mishap in which his floating ahead appeared upside down against his background – “I’ve been using Zoom for over three years. I’ve never seen anyone do anything even close to this. Like, I get embarrassed, it’s when I’m muted on Zoom. This guy’s a whole different dimension!”
o An off-duty pilot sitting in the jump seat of a cock pit reached forward and tried to crash the plane by pulling its fire extinguisher handles – “Wait, hold on. Like, why is there a handle that crashes the plane? Who asked for that?”
o On Desus’s own show, he’s beefed with DJ Envy, and he enjoyed doing that here. I didn’t have any context for this story, but I liked Desus’s response to some of DJ Envy’s comments about this real estate scheme – “This could’ve happened to anybody. Whenever I’m doing financial transactions, I also get advice from Joe Budden, Fabolous, and DJ Clue. Everybody knows those are the Lehman Brothers of hip-hop.”
o Dulcé joined Desus in piling on DJ Envy – “You can’t trust a DJ with money. You can barely trust a DJ to DJ. He should be flipping records, not houses!”
· Correspondent Piece (Lewis) – The Golden Bachelor
o Lewis gave us a warning about the new 71-year-old “Golden” Bachelor – “Now, if you’re wondering if he’s one of those cool old guys, he’s not. None of us are!” This was paired with a clip from the show where the Bachelor talked about getting help from his granddaughters for 21st century dating, saying, “I had to bone up on some of the emojis and some of the more trendy words that are used right now.”
o This cracked me up – “Let’s be honest. As an older gentleman in my, let’s say, 40s….”
o Lewis wasn’t impressed with the Golden Bachelor – “Oh, Christ. This guy is like if the word ‘gee willikers’ became a person.”
· Interview – Author Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah
o Adjei-Brenyah, was there to discuss his new book Chain-Gang All-Stars, in which incarcerated people are given the chance to commute their long sentences by taking part in gladiatorial games.
o Desus warned, “Don’t give Eric Adams that idea, man” – Adjei-Brenyah added, “This is a satirical book, Eric Adams, please!”
o This was a great observation – “I think that in general, our sort of consumer culture, where we have this idea where people’s bodies are things for us to be entertained by—we’ve gotten really comfortable at viewing humans as just a means to an end, you know?”
o Adjei-Brenyah confirmed to Desus that, while the book looks at the mass incarceration system, it also takes inspiration from the NFL – “I think the NFL is pretty heinous in itself. I think that’s the big juggernaut of evil white men telling Black bodies to go hurt yourself.”
Wednesday, October 25
· Headlines – Rep. Mike Johnson elected Speaker of the House, Georgia restaurant charges “bad parenting” surcharge, Jay-Z weighs in on viral fan debate
o Good line – “After spending three weeks on the dating scene, Republicans are finally swiping right. Far right.”
o This made me smile (also, valid) – “Now, if you don’t know Mike Johnson, don’t worry. No one else does.”
o The fan debate was over being offered a choice between $500,000 cash and lunch with Jay-Z – After Jay-Z was asked about it in an interview, Desus mused, “Jay says to take the $500 grand instead of lunch with him. Which makes me wonder, why doesn’t Jay-Z want me to eat lunch with him? Kinda sounds like he’s hiding something.”
o Another new correspondent, Grace Kuhlenschmidt, discussed the debate along with Michael – She said, “Look at his list of accomplishments. He married Beyoncé. He dated Beyoncé. He probably has Beyoncé’s phone number! So yeah, definitely lunch. Screw the $500 grand!”
· Correspondent Piece (Michael) – New York’s spotted lanternfly invasion
o This was another piece featuring Michael’s conspiracy-obsessed character – Fun opening, with, “Conspiracies: they’re everywhere. Or are they nowhere? Or is that exactly what they want you to think?”
o His issue with the lanternflies wasn’t just that they were everywhere, but that the government was encouraging people to kill them – “As much as I enjoy stomping the life out of things, any time I agree with the government, it means something isn’t right.”
o It ultimately came down to his belief that podiatrists (a.k.a. Big Foot) were behind the invasion, leading to foot injuries from people stepping on the lanternflies – Michael’s conspiracy board included the gem, “Dr. Biden/Dr. Scholl, same person?”
· Interview – WBNA player Sydney Colson
o Colson, a player for the Las Vegas Aces, talked about a viral trash talk moment she had that blew up, which has now led to a playful rivalry with one of her teammates.
o She also talked about a new comedy show she’s in – “The logline is ‘Two WNBA benchwarmers who try to become the face of the league, even though no one asked them to.’”
Thursday, October 26
· Headlines – Justice Thomas’s undisclosed RV loan, new report on school bullying, viral list of unacceptable first date locations
o One commentator dismissed a wealthy friend forgiving a $250,000 loan to Clarence Thomas by saying we’ve been part of “that equation,” either loaning friends money or getting loans ourselves – Desus said, “Uh, no, we have not. I’ve never had a friend just give me, like $250,000. Hell, last week I bummed a cigarette from my guy Tommy. He sent me a Venmo request.”
o This made me smile – “Damn. New York’s not even number one in bullying anymore? We invented bullying! Yo, how did we get so soft?”
o Desus argued that bullying is necessary, because it pushes nerds to become tech billionaires – “Listen, if Jeff Bezos had fun in high school, we’d still have to go to the strip mall to buy socks.”
o Ronny weighed in on the bad-first-date list – “Desus, I’m glad you asked. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to charm women with my sweet f**king personality.”
o His method? Lowering expectations by taking a date to Sbarro’s at the Port Authority – He even clarified that he wouldn’t pay, explaining, “No, you’re not listening. If you buy her a slice, you’re always gonna have to buy her a slice. Who am I, the pepperoni king?”
· Long Story Short – Subsidies for sports stadiums
o Desus summed up the difference between the old Yankee stadium and the new one – “It was like Drake’s last two albums. You couldn’t tell them apart.”
o This piece looked at the hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars that teams receive for building new stadiums, as well as the excuse the ultrawealthy team owners come up to justify it – “Now, these owners also claim these stadiums will increase property values, which is one of the biggest lies in the world. What kinda psycho is like, ‘Yeah, I want 50,000 drunk idiots pissing on my stoop every night?’”
o Good bit – “And the thing that really gets me heated? These stadiums aren’t even that old. Stadiums for the Braves and the Rangers last, like, 20 years before they built new ones! You can’t be replacing a stadium that Leonardo DiCaprio would still hit.”
· Interview – Rapper D Smoke
o D Smoke used to be a teacher, and he told Desus about running into former students – It’s wild for him to hear comments like, “Mr. Farris, you was a good teacher, but you a better rapper.”
o He also talked about collaborating with his brother, a fellow rapper named SIR – “There’s a lot of respect there. Because we’re not a group, we’re our own artists. And we just admire each other so much that we choose the right moments to put out songs.”
o Finally, he’s writing a YA novel! D Smoke is evidently a man of many talents.
Desus wasn’t my favorite guest host, but he had some good stuff. Some of his headline jokes were a lot of fun, and I liked his Long Story Short.
