"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love
Showing posts with label Dulce Sloan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dulce Sloan. Show all posts

Saturday, April 20, 2024

News Satire Roundup: April 14th-April 18th

Sunday, April 14

·        Recap of the Week – South Korean parliamentary election, Arizona abortion ban

o   John was delighted by South Korea’s election-coverage graphics, which included such gems as pasting the candidates’ heads onto clips from James Bond movies and depicting them riding jetpacks – “That is magnificent! What do we get here instead? Steve Kornacki with his sleeves rolled up touching a screen? We’re doing this wrong! We’re doing all of this wrong!!!”

o   One news anchor, in explaining to his colleague how messed up it is for Arizona to re-adopt its 1864 abortion ban, missed an obvious point – John said, “I love the cluelessness of looking at a Black man and saying that the 1860s were bad because ‘women didn’t have the right to vote.’ I mean, it’s true, but also maybe not the worst thing people didn’t have the right to do back then.”

o   Loved the description of Kari Lake as “current Senate candidate and possessor of Big Local Real Estate Agent Energy.”

o   Many of the GOP legislators who are now doing a 180 and condemning the ban didn’t just support it in the past. Ahead of the Dobbs decision, they actively passed a law reaffirming that the 1864 ban was valid and would go into effect upon Roe being overturned.

o   One lawmaker shrugged off that contradiction, saying he voted for the reaffirmation based on “the information [he had] at the time” – John argued, “Yeah, but you have all the information at the time. The law was literally passed in anticipation of the overturn of Roe, so that is bullshit.”

o   Good line – “That is the thing. Republicans own this. They got what they wanted, overturned Roe v. Wade, and now they have to deal with the consequences of that, which hopefully will be rightfully furious constituents turning them out of office.”

·        And Now This – People on TV are Kind of Being Dicks to Cicadas

o   In talking about the cicada double-brood reemergence, news anchors said things like, “They are disgusting to look at!”, and, “Those things just creep me out.“

o   One anchor referred to them as “six-legged winged horror.”

·        Main Story – Medicaid

o   Our springboard for this story was the “Medicaid unwinding,” where a huge number of people have been disenrolled from Medicaid following the end of the public health emergency, when renewals were waived at the start of the pandemic.

o   As John pointed out, 69% of people who lost their coverage were denied for procedural reasons, such as missing paperwork, not because they actually didn’t qualify any longer.

o   We watched a PSA from a disabled activist who highlighted just how vital Medicaid is to both her survival and her independence – She said, “Medicaid touches everything in my life and makes everything possible.”

o   Tennessee, 47-page renewal packet

o   “I’m not trying to rain shit down on honest government employees who have to process an endless barrage of paperwork. I have total sympathy for how demanding those jobs are.”

o   “Putting aside that calling access to basic healthcare ‘charity’ is immediately infuriating.”

o   “So much of the talk around Medicaid seems to center on the fear that someone somewhere might be ‘gaming the system.’”

o   “Even if the state recovered every dollar from charges brought against beneficiaries in 2022, the total would amount to less than $900,000, compared to the office’s budget of $6.4 million a year. And look, I’m not an accountant, despite having Resting Budget Analyst Face. But even I know that makes no financial sense!”

o   “The reality of Medicaid is that too often it’s hard to get, easy to lose, and not a priority for the government or the companies we hire to deliver care.”

o   “there’s an 80% chance of your call disconnecting by accident.”

 

 

Monday, April 15

·        Headlines – Iran retaliates after Israel’s embassy bombing, Trump’s remarks on Gettysburg, Trumps’ hush money criminal trial begins

o   Jon contrasted the hyperbolic news coverage of Iran’s missile strikes with the real situation – In the montage of news reports, I was amused by the guy who said in a completely calm and mild tone, “We do effectively have WWIII in progress.”

o   However, 99% of Iran’s missiles were successfully shot down – “It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.”

o   Jon got frustrated when the tidy “U.S. and Israel vs. Arab Nations” narrative didn’t pan out, given that Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and U.A.E. also helped shoot down some of the missiles – “I don’t know what the teams are! We have to sort this out with jerseys or something.”

o   Jon made an appeal directly to the SWANA region – “When we in the West drew your nations’ borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, we expected a little better.”

o   He had a quick spiral about America’s various contradictory actions in the region over the years, ending with, “In Gaza, we’re actually bombing them and feeding them! How do you think that makes them feel?”

o   After hearing Trump’s word salad about the Battle of Gettysburg, Jon said, “That is plagiarized, almost directly, from my 7th grade book report ‘Gettysburg. Wow.’”

o   There are reports that Trump seemed to be asleep for part of his court proceedings today – “Imagine committing so many crimes, you get bored at your own trial. ‘Move onto the good stuff!’”

o   As Trump made himself out to be a martyr, comparing him to both Jesus and Nelson Mandela, Desi and Ronny debated over which he has the most in common with – Desi insisted, “Jesus Christ, he’s obviously Jesus Christ. It’s right there in the New Testament, or its sequel, The Art of the Deal.”

o   Josh broke up the debate with his own comparison, O.J. Simpson – I laughed out loud at, “Plus, Donald J. Trump? Is the ‘J’ for ‘Juice’? Probably.”

·        Interview – Journalist/author David Sanger

o   Sanger’s book New Cold Wars looks ahead to what U.S. relations with Russia and China may be in the decades to come.

o   Jon criticized the U.S. tendency to frame its wars as “democracy vs. authoritarianism,” when our motives are more often related to trade or oil – “We’ve invaded more countries than China and Russia combined! So would it help us to not have to scold everybody for failing to live up to principles that we very clearly do not uphold?”

o   He also described our involvement in other countries, along with Russia and China’s, as “colonialism and imperialism in a more modern form.”

o   Good line from Jon – “The only people that never lose a war are the military industrial complex, are the people that sell the weapons.”

o   Sanger argued that the U.S. removing itself from the equation wasn’t the answer, since its place would be taken by another superpower – “We’re gotta make a really hard and bad choice, which is: do we wanna be the one trying to fill that void with our technology and our principles, understanding that we violate them all the time, or do we want to let an authoritarian regime go fill that space, which we know how that’s gonna work.”

 

 

Tuesday, April 16

·        Headlines – Trump’s hush money trial

o   Dulcé’s hosting! She’s in L.A. now and hasn’t been around as a correspondent for a while, so I didn’t realize we’d get to see her again in the hosting rotation. I love Dulcé, and I’m really happy to see her behind the desk.

o   It was incredibly valid for Dulcé to begin with, “Before we get into Trump’s trial, let’s be clear about which trial this is” – After listing all his many civil and criminal cases, she exclaimed, “This dude treats criminal charges like Pokémon. He’s trying to catch them all!”

o   This made me laugh out loud – “Wait, people who think about their dogs too much get dismissed? A jury with no white people? How is that fair to Trump?”

o   It killed me that anti-Trump memes were being shared in court, as grounds for dismissal of potential jurors – My favorite was the one of Trump and Obama that said, “I don’t think this is what they meant by Orange is the New Black.”

o   Jordan was on the ground outside the courthouse – Because Trump had previously tweeted, “72 hours until all hell breaks loose!”, Jordan asked one Trump supporter, “Is today the January 6th of April 15th?”

o   One woman praised the QAnon Shaman, saying, “That guy is so articulate and so smart” – Jordan clarified, “You’re talking about the guy with the horns?”

o   One man said he didn’t think Trump could get a fair trial in a liberal state like New York, and said the trial would be better of being held “in the Midwest, in Ohio, in Floria….” – Jordan pointed out, “He’s on trial in Florida, he’s on trial in Georgia. Will you accept the results of those trials?” You’ll never guess what the guy said!

·        In My Opinion (John Leguizamo) – Politicians court the Latino vote

o   I’m always happy to see John Leguizamo on the show!

o   He summed up the appeal of the Latino vote to both Biden and Trump – “We are the fastest-growing population, America. Yeah, fasting-growing. You know what that means. We be f**king!”

o   John spoke to Latino voters who are supporting Trump for economic reasons, pointing out that his plans for fighting inflation include, “Drill, baby, drill,” and osetting more unhelpful tariffs against China – “Yeah, Trump wants to pick another fight with China. Probably just jealous because they actually built their wall.”

o   And of course, Trump remains grossly racist. We looked at a quote where he wished the U.S. had more immigrants “from nice countries, like Switzerland or Denmark” – “Donald, stop beating around the bush! ‘We want nice people: Swiss people, ski instructors, Wes Anderson fans.’ Just say white people!”

·        Interview – Creator/actress Mayan Lopez

o   Lopez talked about co-creating and starring in the sitcom Lopez vs. Lopez with her dad, comedian George Lopez.

o   She loved being able to tell Latino stories that are personal to her and her community – “I feel like we’re also making up for lost time. It’s really wonderful, and to be able to tell the stories we tell. We’re just having fun.”

o   Dulcé wondered who Lopez would pick if she could recast her dad, a question that intrigued Lopez – She said her mind went immediately to John Leguizamo, but she added the fun fact that she and Pedro Pascal share a birthday.

Wednesday, April 17

·        Headlines – U.S. track and field uniforms for the 2024 Olympics, NBA player caught gambling on his own team, Red Lobster considers filing for bankruptcy, Trump trial jury selection

o   Dulcé was horrified by one of the women’s uniform options for the Olympics – “Look at this. That don’t even cover the mannequin’s pussy, and she ain’t even got one!”

o   Dulcé didn’t think economic issues were to blame for Red Lobster potentially going down – “You know who I blame? Men! That’s right. Y’all aren’t living up the Beyoncé’s standards.”

o   Loved this line, about Trump owing over half a billion in legal fees – “Can you imagine owing so much money that you have to hit Powerball just to get back to zero?”

o   I laughed at Dulcé’s reaction to a news story explaining that the foreman for Trump’s hush money trial is originally from Ireland and “still has the accent” – “Yeah, he better still have the accent. What’s the point of telling me he’s from Ireland if he doesn’t have the accent? An Irishman with no accent is just a white dude in America.”

o   One juror described Trump as “fascinating and mysterious” – “This dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells us everything he’s thinking! I know the names of all the people he’s had sex with, I heard the details of what his penis looks like. Like, the only mysterious thing about him is what animal they made his wig out of!”

o   Josh said the jurors selected for Trump’s trial so far are a perfect cross-section of New York City – “So now they just need a white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad about gentrifying but definitely isn’t moving.”

o   Josh also said, “And to represent the views of Staten Island, they’re looking for a fireman or a racist” – When Dulcé asked, “Racist against who?”, he answered, “Ideally, everybody.”

o   Josh contemplated joining the trial himself – When Dulcé pointed out it’d be hard work, he argued that he could just sleep when Trump does, saying, “As long as we snore in rhythm, nobody’ll notice.”

·        Host piece – Black-owned wine tours

o   I laughed out loud at Dulcé’s dramatic confession, “I don’t like wine!”, complete with tossing her head to the side and covering her brow with her arm.

o   She was entertaining through the wine testing that the couple she was interviewing led her through – I liked her, “Chug, chug! …No, sip, sip.”

o   While there’s been an increase of Black-owned tours in wine country, only 1% of wineries are Black-owned.

·        Interview – Actor Orlando Bloom

o   Bloom was promoting his new docuseries Orlando Bloom: To the Edge, where he learns about, trains for, and tries all manner of death-defying activities.

o   Dulcé thought this was reckless of him, pointing out, “You know you need your face for work, right?”

o   Bloom described the series like this – “It was like an education in becoming super present, super capable, and able to, like, push through what I think was, you know, an edge for me.”

o   Dulcé countered, “Well, my edge is being a Black woman in America, so….”, which Bloom agreed was death-defying enough.

Thursday, April 18

·        Headlines – Speaker Johnson to call for foreign aid vote, Kennedys endorse Biden over RFK Jr., Trump asks to be paid for GOP candidates using his name/likeness, juror excused in Trump hush money trial

o   Marjorie Taylor Greene has been leading the charge to get Mike Johnson removed as House Speaker over a forthcoming vote on aid for Ukraine – “And I believe she’ll get him fired, ‘cause this lady has the strongest Karen energy I’ve ever seen.”

o   After a montage of Greene badmouthing Johnson on the news, Dulcé exclaimed, “Damn! Last time I saw a white lady getting that pissed off over a bill, she was getting kicked out of a Chili’s! I don’t know if she’s gonna get Mike Johnson fired, but she’s definitely getting store credit for something.”

o   Great job – “Y’all can’t even explain your position without sounding stupid. ‘We’re mad that he’s working with both parties to pass bills.’ Ma’am, that’s his damn job!”

o   Trump wanting a cut of GOP candidates’ fundraising money when they mention his name is wild – “Damn! Donald Trump is shaking down the candidates in his own party, for a cut of their money? Aw, this is some straight-up mafia shit! Trump’s about to leave a horse head in someone’s bed! Or even scarier, Rudy Giuliani!”

o   Loved it – “Can you imagine any other president acting like this? Obama was never like, ‘Hope and change. And when I say change, I mean empty your pockets!’”

o   The juror excused in Trump’s trial was concerned after aspects of her identity were revealed by the media – We watched a quick montage of reporters giving details about her, and Dulcé said, “Yeah, I would’ve found this lady on Facebook in five seconds! It’s 2024, that’s enough information to track down anybody! I once found a guy off the shape of a cloud in the background of his IG story.”

o   Troy tried to report on the story, but he had a hard time not revealing identifying information about the jurors – “You know, it’s bad enough she has to commute all the way from 125th St.”

o   However, when it came to Trump himself, Troy took the confidentiality thing a little too seriously – Alongside a graphic reading “Male” and “Real Estate Developer,” Troy said, “Well, the defendant, whose name we’re restricting for privacy reasons, he was very agitated.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Josh) – How to avoid paying taxes

o   Josh interviewed a tax expert on the different methods billionaires use to avoid paying their fair share of taxes, but most of their tricks weren’t something that could be implemented for the general public.

o   Josh asked, “So if I start my own church, I mean, how followers are we talking?” – When the tax expert pointed out that they’re not really called “followers,” Josh murmured, “Oh right, that’s like a cult thing.”

o   When Josh wondered how roads and bridges would be built if everyone took advantage of these loopholes, the expert explained, “Somebody at the lower end has to be paying the taxes for the government to do those things” – In his notes, Josh wrote, “Just don’t be poor.”

·        Interview – Musician Britney Spencer

o   Asked about her debut album My Stupid Life, Spencer said, “I love music. I love country music. It taught me how to tell a story, it taught me how to connect with my own story.”

o   She talked about how she likes mixing a lot of different genres into her work, saying, “I wish ‘good’ was a genre sometimes, you know?”

o   Dulcé also brought up Spencer’s appearance on Beyoncé’s cover of “Blackbird” – Dulcé explained, “By law, I have to ask you about Beyoncé. I’m sorry, it’s a law that’s been passed recently.”

Saturday, November 25, 2023

News Satire Roundup: November 19th-November 22nd

Sunday, November 19

·        Recap of the Week – Ethics report on Rep. George Santos, Fox Business interviews Fabio about Israel and Hamas, conflicts in Congress

o   Among the quicks bits John mentioned in passing, he said, “[King] Charles celebrated his 75th birthday while looking at least 97.”

o   Fabio very bizarrely argued that Hamas was worse than Nazi Germany because the Nazis were “quiet” in their genocide??? – “Hold on, Fabio. Far be it for me to contradict a noted geopolitical expert and former I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spokesperson.”

o   Great bit about Sean O’Brien, the teamster leader that Sen. Mullin challenged to a fight during a Senate hearing – “Do you know who Sean O’Brien is? He’s a fourth generation Boston teamster. He basically came out of the womb wearing brass knuckles.”

o   Also great – “O’Brien has got the demeanor of a mob boss, the body of a fire hydrant, and the insults of a 5-year-old.”

o   Mullin has warned that, if he and O’Brien fight, he won’t rule out biting – “How is that tough-guy behavior? ‘Watch out, he bites,’ isn’t what you say about a senator everyone respects. It’s what you say about a three-year-old named Dylan after he’s had two Capri Suns.”

o   Asked about the multiple fights/threats in Congress over the past week, a spokesperson for Mitch McConnell said, “Today is another example of why Congress shouldn’t be in session for 5 weeks straight. Weird things happen” – John replied, “Totally. But also, most people—and this is true—work ten times that many weeks in a row and manage not to physically or emotionally assault their colleagues.”

·        And Now This – You’ll Never Guess Where Fox’s Pete Hegseth Went to College

o   Spoiler alert: it was Princeton.

o   After a lengthy montage of Hegseth name dropping his alma mater, we also got some of his colleagues ribbing him with remarks like, “He went to Princeton, guys, I don’t know if you know,” and “Let’s not forget, he went to Princeton.”

o   Basketball

·        Main Story – Dollar stores

o   Apt summation of a business model that thrives in low-income communities – “It’s a store that tends to do better when its customers are doing worse.”

o   John had this to say about video footage of aisles clogged with unshelved inventory due to inadequate staffing – “Those look less like functioning stores and more like American Ninja Warrior: Retail Edition. They look like someone picked up a dollar store, shook it, and dumped it out into another dollar store.”

o   We also looked at the lax response to infestations of rodents and birds, including one store being told to wash bird poop off of soiled products and then return them to the shelves – “When that manager asked for help in removing the nests, he said he got the sense that he was being ignored ‘because the birds weren’t stealing anything.’”

o   When he heard about how employees handle a dangerous lack of temperature control, John said, “That is not great! An ice pack down the pants is not how you imagine a day at work going” – An image popped up of Ember and Wade from Elemental, and John added, “It is, however, how I imagine that these two freaks fuck.”

o   Excellent line – “At almost every turn, dollar stores seem to treat their workers with either stunning indifference or outright contempt.”

o   We were treated to numerous handwritten closed-store signs, featuring messages such as, “Staff Quit! Y’all Be Easy”

o   We ended on one of show’s “honest ads, with a dollar store exec touting great products like “this bag of Skittle” – When a nearby customer asked, “You mean Skittles?”, the exec cheerfully replied, “Nope!”

o   He also informed an employee, “If we closed every time we got robbed, this store would never be open.”

o   The slogan at the end of the ad? “Giving everyone less while we get more.”

·        Finally – New Zealand’s Bird of the Century contest

o   I’d thought the results had been announced last week, but I guess it wasn’t official then – the pÅ«teketeke won New Zealand’s Bird of the Century competition, with over 290,000 votes coming in from 195 countries.

o   John side eyed someone who was caught committing voter fraud on behalf of the rockhopper penguin – “Come on, this rockhopper penguin? You committed bird election fraud for the only penguin in the animal kingdom with frosted tips?”

o   One of the other campaigns conceded the election with a video of a group of their birds, kakis, pecking a photo of John.

o   Meanwhile a New Zealand basketball team’s kea parrot mascot delivered a concession speech through a spokeswoman – John loved “the reverent tone that she’s employing there, as if she’s genuinely worried there’s a chance of rioting in the streets over this result unless she can calm everyone down.”

 

 

This week was billed as “News Team Takeover.” It looks like we’ll be having a different correspondent hosting each night. First up was Dulcé Sloan.

Monday, November 20

·        Headlines – Biden’s 81st birthday, Javier Milei elected as president of Argentina, stores phasing out self-checkouts, AI girlfriend service

o   Loved this line – “All the polls are saying Biden’s too old. He’s like, ‘F**k that, I’m gonna get even older.’”

o   I liked Dulcé’s response to Javier Milei listing entire government agencies he’d cut (and the list wasn’t short) – “Hold on, Evil Austin Powers wants to get rid of the environment, women, and culture? That’s everything you need to have a country.”

o   I like self-checkouts—less social interaction, natch—but I still liked this line – “Thank God, I hate self-checkout lanes! Why am I doing the work? I don’t work here!”

o   The online “adult chat” service with AI girlfriends was shut down after its founder was arrested (for unrelated reasons) – “This guy gets arrested and suddenly the AI girlfriends stop responding? Hmm, that’s suspicious. Alexas don’t stop when Jeff Bezos takes a nap.”

o   Ronny reasoned that programming an AI girlfriend was tougher than people might think – “It has to be smart, but not too smart. It has to know everything about Star Wars but still listen when the guy explains Star Wars.”

·        Host Piece – Period cramp simulator

o   I’ve seen this machine used before, and I’ve consistently seen men shocked to discover what cramps feel like.

o   Only one of the guys Dulcé tested it out on took her up on her “All Day Period Challenge,” which she quickly made a nightmare for him – When he collapsed on the stairs, asking, “Oh God, why twice [in a row]?”, Dulcé replied, “Ask your uterus!”

·        Interview – Author/illustrator Vashti Harrison

o   I knew Harrison’s name was familiar to me – She illustrated Lupita Nyong’o’s children’s book Sulwe.

o   Here, she was promoting her new book Big – “I was thinking a lot about how we as adults use words with children when kids are young. We use ‘big’ as a word of affirmation. We say, ‘You’re such a big girl! You’re a big girl now!’, and that’s a good thing. But typically with girls, and all children, ‘big’ changes meaning. And I wanted to trace how that word can go from a word of affirmation into something different for a child’s life.”

o   I loved this – “I wanted to clarify for this girl, and any kid who reads this book, you get to choose what’s important and real for you. And you don’t have to hold onto anything that doesn’t define you. You get to define that for yourself.”

o   Dulcé pointed out that many adults struggle with the issues brought up in the book as well – “I’m just wondering, is there a grownup version of this book? Is there, like, Still Big?”



Next up, we got Ronny Chieng. He said, “I just wanna thank the network for believing in me for 23 minutes only.”

Tuesday, November 21

·        Headlines – Negotiations for temporary truce between Israel and Hamas, staff revolt as OpenAI, the impact of weight-loss drugs on Thanksgiving

o   Opening with the prospective Israel-Hamas temporary truce, Ronny said, “That’s right, I’ve accomplished what no other Daily Show host could. Sure, if they give me the job permanently, maybe I could solve this, but for now, here’s what you get.”

o   Ronny had a messages for the hostages on track to be released – “I just want to say congratulations, and I want to prepare you: Andre 3000 has a flute album now.”

o   Ronny couldn’t believe that, when OpenAI’s board ousted the company’s CEO, nearly every employee threatened to walk out in solidarity – “Who cares that much about their boss? I mean, Trevor quit right in front me and I didn’t do shit!”

o   Excellent line – “It’s also ironic that the people creating technology that’s gonna destroy everyone’s jobs are also fighting so hard to save one guy’s job. It’s like seeing Ted Bundy perform CPR.”

o   This made me laugh – “Finally, let’s talk about Thanksgiving, which I still can’t believe is a real holiday. I asked someone what happens on Thanksgiving, and he said, ‘Well, we all get together and eat.’ And I was like, ‘…So it’s dinner?’”

o   I mean, he’s not wrong – “This is the most American story ever. Big Pharma created a drug to help Americans eat less, and now they’re having anxiety over what they’re gonna do on the eating holiday.”

·        Sketch – Trump’s scheduler

o   In this bit, Ronny played the guy who maintains Trump’s schedule to stay on top of all his indictments – Explaining his color-coding system, he said, “Purple is for time he spends with his kids, but I also use it for fraud charge cases, because they basically overlap.”

·        Interview – Late night host John Oliver

o   Note: I always use “John” when I write about Last Week Night, so I’m just going to stick with calling him John.

o   Ronny shared about the meeting he had with John when he first joined the show, wanting advice from a former correspondent who was an immigrant like him – John said, “I remember you leaving and being like, ‘Oh, you’re going to be fine. Even though you don’t have the answers yet, all of your questions are right, so you’re gonna be fine.’”

o   Nice insight from John – “The outsider perspective in comedy always works. The thing with being an immigrant here is you have to learn the exact ways that your outsider perspective can translate.”

o   Ronny expanded on that point, saying, “It’s like, you can come here and you can joke about America on kind of a very surface level. And that would do well for you for, you know, if you have a 15-minute set, maybe 30-minute set. But I feel like, after nine months or a year in America, the audience can kind of smell the bullshit of like, ‘You’ve been here long enough. Like, guns shouldn’t be weird for you.’”

o   Ronny asked John, “How do you answer the people who are like, ‘If you don’t like it here, leave’” – John’s first response was, “I guess now my answer would be, ‘I’m a citizen. You can’t do that.’”

o   Another strong insight from John – “I felt at home here long before my legal status was solid; that’s the tricky thing as an immigrant. But the more I felt at home here, the more cognizant you are of the fact that it’s not up to you whether you get to stay or not.”

 

Last up, we got a guest hosting duo with Desi and Jordan. Jordan explained, “It is the night before Thanksgiving, so that could only mean one thing.” Desi replied, “Neither of us wanted to see our families,” and Jordan added, “Bingo!”

Wednesday, November 22

·        Headlines – Binance crypto CEO pleads guilty to money laundering, Biden combats cord-cutting fees, Swedish engineers design female crash test dummies

o   Desi expressed “shock” to discover that “the crypto guy was shady” – “That’s so weird! He was so nice when he sold me the weapons on the black market.”

o   Valid, from Desi – “To be fair, if you’re a non-criminal who’s lost money on this, that’s on you. Because at this point, investing in crypto is like playing R. Kelly at your wedding. You should know it’s not a good choice!”

o   Jordan agreed with her – “No thank you! I’m gonna leave my money in the real banks, where nothing bad ever happens.”

o   Both Jordan and Desi were staunchly against Biden making it easier for people to quit cable – In a tag-team, the two Comedy Central employees argued, “Cable is about family, tradition…” “The Bible, the Constitution…” ”401Ks for the on-air hosts…”

o   Hearing about the new female-design crash test dummy, Desi said, “Congrats on designing a mannequin that men won’t dream about having sex with” – Jordan was a little too emphatic in agreeing with her.

·        Host Piece – The war on Christmas

o   One of the folks Desi and Jordan talked to wasn’t concerned – He said, “I don’t think there’s a war on Christmas. And if there was a war on Christmas, I think Christmas would win.”

o   Someone else, however, very much agreed with Fox News’s assessment on the war on Christmas, and that Christians are the most persecuted group in America – Mind you, this is weeks after Fox News host Jesse Watters declared “we’ve had it” with Arab Americans and Muslims.

·        In My Opinion (John Leguizamo) – Univision’s interview with Trump

o   It was fun to see John Leguizamo on the show again!

o   An easy joke, but a good one – “I don’t know what’s more shocking: that Univision gave Trump a softball interview, or that Trump let a Latin guy into his house. How did that happen? What, did he think he was there to mow the lawn?”

o   John was disgusted by the interviewers fawning “questions” about Trump’s approval rating with Latino voters – “I was expecting this guy’s follow-up question to be, like, ‘Is it true that, to look upon your penis, it would be like gazing into the very face of God?’”

o   John argued that Univision has a responsibility to let their viewers know what Trump is saying about Latinos and migrants on the campaign trail – “Wait, wait, ‘Latino immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country’? Motherf**ker, what are you talking about? Your blood is 99% Big Mac!”

o   Loved it – “Look, did he really say immigrants are coming from insane asylums? That’s not what ‘granted asylum’ means, moron!”

o   Coincidentally, the new head of Univision is a close friend of Jared Kushner, “the only man with the skin of a flour tortilla.”

·        Interview – Rep. Jeff Jackson

o   Desi and Jordan asked Jackson about his popular TikToks, which he described as essentially, “Here’s the most interesting thing that happened to me in Congress this week” – Jackson replied, “I have been really surprised by the level of interest, in this political environment where everyone is yelling at each other all the time, to be able to speak in a normal tone of voice and try to convey some of the complexity and some of the nuance. That there would be broad interest for that, I think is very encouraging.”

o   Jordan asked Jackson to name names about who he thinks is faking their outrage in Congress, and Desi added, “Does it rhyme with Shmarjorie Shmaylor Shmeene?” – Jackson said, “All I will say is this: it’s not George Santos. Never a false word from that gentleman!”

o   He continued, “I’ve been in committees, and I have watched, when the camera turns on, people’s personalities change completely right before your eyes. It’s because they’re playing a very specific game trying to get the attention of a very specific group of people, and it’s awful and exhausting.”

I thought everybody did a great job, and it just reaffirmed for me that I wish both Dulcé and Ronny had been able to get a full week. In particular, I’m bummed that we didn’t get Long Story Short pieces from them. That said, I also liked John Leguizamo returning to talk about Trump’s interview with Univision—I hope this becomes a recurring segment, past guest hosts or other “friends of the show” occasionally popping up to comment on a story that’s important to them.