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Sunday, December 10
· Recap of the Week – BBC “middle finger” broadcast, Rep. Mike Johnson
o John only briefly mentioned the latest GOP primary debate, which he described as, “Donald Trump won another debate that he didn’t even attend.”
o We revisited the press conference from right after Mike Johnson was made speaker, where another representative loudly booing a journalist who asked about his involvement in trying to overturn the 2020 election – “I hate to be That Guy, but, ‘Boo! Shut up!’ is not ‘no.’”
o This was a good point – “Because there was so little vetting before Johnson became speaker, we keep discovering new unsettling facts about him.”
o Great line – “For all the fear of a second Trump term, it is worth remembering our current Speaker of the House is an anti-LGBT bigot who believes in more accountability for his son’s search history than he does for the people who tried to overthrow the government.”
· And Now This – Everyone on CBS Morning Wants to Fuck Meteorologist Jim Cantore
o Various morning hosts made fawning comments to Cantore, including, “Looking electric in that electric blue,” “Looking dapper this morning,” and, “The weather might be dry, but you are not.”
· Main Story – Freight trains
o We of course started out by talking about the train derailment in East Palestine, but the main thrust of the story was that disasters like that are inevitable under the current system and will just keep happening – As one expert put it, “The railroads are gonna keep flirting with danger, keep flirting with disaster, as long as people are getting rich.”
o Naturally, the Federal Railroad Administration (FRA) doesn’t have enough resources to properly inspect and regulate the industry, so much of it falls on the railway companies to provide their own oversight, which John pointed out wasn’t exactly a winning combination – “If anything, the formula is ‘industry + deregulation – government oversight = episode of Last Week Tonight.’ And guess what, guys? Here we are!”
o As a result, the FRA can’t reliably state which trains are carrying hazardous materials and where they are at any given point – “It is crazy that the FAA knows about the exact location of 5000 planes in the sky, but the FRA can’t tell you where most trains are or what they contain.”
o Experts refer to trains carrying combustible materials as “bomb trains” – “It doesn’t sound like something that should ever be allowed on a railway. It sounds like the title of a Jason Statham movie that’s got 27% on Rotten Tomatoes.”
o Talk about a chilling statistic! – “Just 22 train cars carrying liquified natural gas held the equivalent blast energy of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima.”
o As companies cut costs by running fewer trains with more and more cars, we run into issues like roads being blocked for hours by trains that are literally miles long – “It’s not like they can quickly get out of the way by turning around. Trains are like Liam Payne: they really only work in one direction.”
o In 2022, Over 900 trains blocked road crossings for over 24 hours!
o We watched a clip about one man who warned about the danger of roads being cut off for long periods like this. Eventually, that man’s father died of a heart attack while the ambulance was stuck at a train crossing – John said, “I wouldn’t see his prediction as a premonition. It was an easily foreseeable consequence of poor policy.”
o We also looked at how rail workers are dangerous overscheduled and overworked. As one union president explained, the company policy is basically, “You either go to work sick and tired, or you get fired” – “Look, it is never a good sign when conditions are so bleak, you’ve come up with a catchy little rhyme for it.”
o It was pointed out that the man who invented the cost-cutting practice of “precision scheduling” listed the practice’s priorities with “safety” at number four – “Once you get past three items on a priority list, anything after that isn’t a priority by definition.”
o This same man admitted in a congressional hearing that they “try” to be safe but also said his hands were “covered in blood” from preventable accidents – “It’s the kind of honesty you usually only ever get from a guy like that after he’s been visited by the Ghosts of Christmas.”
o We ended with a more honest version of Thomas the Tank Engine, in which Sir Topham Hatt introduced precision scheduling and Henry the freight engine was overloaded and ran nonstop until he derailed in the middle of a city.
And we get another returning guest host with Kal Penn. He was excited to be back, saying, “You know what they say about my sequels, right? They’re always better! Don’t fact-check that.”
Monday, December 11
· Headlines – L.A. Dodgers sign Shohei Ohtani, Buffalo Bills coach addresses past remarks about 9/11, Zelenskyy visits U.S. over Ukraine funding, Hunter Biden indicted on tax charges
o An easy joke, but a fun one, about Ohtani’s lucrative deal with the Dodgers – “It is so great that Asian kids have another athlete to look up to, am I right? But let’s acknowledge it’s also a lot of pressure. ‘Dad, I got 100 on my chemistry test!’ ‘But only 80 on your fastball. Go outside and practice!’”
o Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott once tried to motivate his players with a speech about how that 9/11 hijackers worked together – “When we said, ‘Never Forget,’ we didn’t mean Al Qaida’s teamwork.”
o Kal tried for a locker room speech that would be even worse than that – After invoking the likes of Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, and mass shootings, it ended with, “Clear eyes, full hearts, Epstein didn’t do it!”
o Great line about Russia’s war on Ukraine – “I know. It’s crazy that it didn’t end even though you stopped paying attention.”
o Since many of the GOP representatives who are holding up Ukraine funding actually support it, Kal thought they were just shooting themselves in the foot with their obstruction – “Like, y’all, why are you stopping Ukraine from getting weapons when you could be stopping women from getting abortions? Eyes on the prize, Republicans, come on!”
o This made me smile – “It’s shocking to think that the presidential race might come down to who goes to jail first: Hunter Biden or Donald Trump. Although, maybe if we’re lucky, the two of them might end up in a cell together? Like, you throw George Santos in there, and I am watching that show!”
o Michael didn’t think Hunter Biden’s indictments would hurt his father’s chances in 2024, since the indictments paint Hunter as “so f**king cool” – “He’s like a one-man episode of Entourage!”
· Correspondent Piece (Grace) – “The “gay” nutcracker
o Grace polled folks on the street about a nutcracker holding a Pride flag, which of course Fox News has been freaking out about – She asked one man, “You’re saying, by just looking at this, you haven’t turned gay?”
o However, one woman’s remark made Grace realize that Christmas “already was gay” – She tested a guy with a Finish That Lyric challenge. When she sang, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas. / Make your yuletide…”, he awkwardly sang, “…Have fun!”
o Another guy, though, easily finished, “Don we now our gay apparel” – He added, “Yeah, it’s been here the whole time.”
· Interview – Filmmaker Zoya Akhtar
o Akhtar was promoting her new film The Archies.
o Kal asked how she wound up making an Archie movie in India – She reminisced about growing up with the comic, saying, “Archie was one of the few things that everybody read, and it was our portal to this country.”
o Kal also asked about the inclusion of an LGBTQ subplot in the film – While Akhtar acknowledged that India still had a long way to go toward LGBTQ rights, she explained, “Part of that evolution is storytelling and filmmaking, and somewhere I feel…. It’s not just like, ‘Oh, we’re representing something,’ but you’re putting people—you’re taking someone and putting them into someone else’s shoes. You know? You’re humanizing the other. You’re just making people come closer.”
o Akhtar was into Kal’s suggestion to make a Bollywood Harold and Kumar film – He said, “Well, I mean, I meant it as a half-joke, but if you’re serious, we should talk backstage.”
Tuesday, December 12
· Headlines – Supreme Court to weigh in on Trump’s election subversion charges, Rudy Giuliani sued for defaming election workers, Texas court rules against woman’s emergency abortion
o Good line – “We begin with Donald Trump, former president and current courtroom sketch model.”
o I liked this – “So Trump thinks stealing the election was part of his job? Look, say what you want about the guy, but it’s pretty ballsy when your defense is both, ‘I didn’t do anything,’ and also, ‘I was allowed to do it!’”
o Valid – “If the Constitution allows the president to overturn the Constitution, then what was the whole point of the Constitution?”
o Kal pointed out that, if the Supreme Court rules that Trump is immune from anything he did as president, that would apply to all presidents, including Biden. He mused, “Maybe he’ll just…arrest Trump and send him to Guantanamo, right?” – When the audience applauded, he exclaimed, “No, no, no! We do not want any president to have absolute power. That was a test, and you all failed!”
o Rudy Giuliani’s lawyer as said that the amount of damages he could be forced to pay in his defamation trial would mean, “the end of Rudy Giuliani” – “Why is Rudy’s lawyer threatening the jury with a good time? He’s like, ‘You really wanna see my client broke and sobbing like a little bitch, huh?’”
o I laughed out loud at this – “I might feel more sympathy for Rudy if, during his defamation trial, he wasn’t outside the courthouse doing more defamation. Like, does he get that every time you do a crime, it’s like its own thing? This guy’s committing defamation like he’s got the unlimited plan.”
o Grace weighed in on the Texas abortion case. She thought it would be easier to have just one person deciding a woman’s right to abortion: the Golden Bachelor – “It makes sense! This whole thing is about making tough choices about who stays and who goes.”
o Her next plan was for a woman to get an abortion by becoming president, since the Supreme Court might soon rule that they have immunity – As she described how women would distract the men to get her election, Kal asked, “Are you describing the plot of the Barbie movie?” Grace replied, “It worked, Kal!”
o To that end, Grace tried, “By the way, you’re so good at guitar” – Kal flatly told her, “We’re both gay, Grace.”
· Host Piece – Indian American voter panel
o With three Indian Americans in the 2024 race (two GOP primary candidates and Vice President Harris on Biden’s ticket,) Kal thought it was time to hear what Indian American voters had to say.
o One panelist described their political position like this – “I think we do come off as kind of a model minority, a minority that is just American enough but just diverse enough to kind of fit that role.”
o Kal asked the group, “What disappoints an auntie more: the fact that Kamala is only half Indian, or that she’s only vice president?” – Everyone agreed that the vice president part was worse, with one panelist adding, “She hasn’t made it yet.”
o Kal referred to one of the panelists as “Trump Uncle” – When he argued that Trump has said he’ll “only” be a dictator on the first day of his second term, Kal said, “But if you’re a dictator for one day, don’t you just, like, make yourself a dictator for the second day too?
· Interview – Comedian Vir Das
o Kal talked about the terrorist accusations and criminal charges filed against Das a couple years ago for his poem “Two Indias” – “My only reaction was, this is a brother who loves his country and just wants to make it better through conversation and through art, but not everybody had that reaction.”
o I liked how Das described his latest standup special – “The central theme of the special, I think, is that love is never yelled, love is felt. And I don’t think there’s a better demonstration of love than laughter.”
o When he was in legal trouble over “Two Indias,” he recalled a BBC headline about his divisiveness – “Do you know how badly you have to f**k up before the British say that you’ve divided India?”
o Das didn’t think he needed to tailor his comedy for where he was performing, asserting that he’s at his best when he’s “authentically Indian” – “Why can’t I take you to Delhi? If you’ve never been, come over, and at the end of the night, whether you’re Indian or not, you’ll be Indian. So come to my show.”
Wednesday, December 13
· Headlines – Trump sells NFT trading cards, COP28 climate agreement, gerrymandering in New York
o This was Kal’s impression of Trump’s new NFTs – “Ah yes, what a perfect gift for the dad you stopped talking to.”
o For people who buy 47 NFTs, Trump is promising to send them a fabric scrap from the suit he wore in his mugshot – “I wish I loved anything as much as Trump loves scamming his own supporters.”
o Good bit – “Why don’t any of these cards show off Trump’s amazing policy accomplishments? Like, where’s the card of Trump tackling a doctor who’s about to perform an abortion? Where’s the one of him heroically catapulting a refugee child far away from his family? […] Or how ‘bout one of him patriotically lighting a tiki torch for a neo-Nazi?”
o Even though this is the first COP climate agreement to actually mention fossil fuels, Kal pointed out that there’s no plan or enforcement for its carbon neutrality goals – “This agreement is basically like when you tell a former coworker that you should ‘get together’ sometime. ‘No, we should totally grab a drink! Definitely by 2050! I’ll text you.’”
o Valid – “Gerrymandering is when politicians draw districts to help their party win. Because the alternative is winning on your ideas, and that’s, like, way harder.”
o Kal brought in Ronny and Desi to debate whether we should endorse gerrymandering from Democrats – After Ronny spoke out against it, Desi calmly stated, “Look, Kal, in my professional opinion, I think Ronny should stop being such a little bitch.”
o Desi argued that, since Republicans are “playing dirty,” Democrats have no choice but to do the same – Ronny responded, “This is the problem with America. Every solution is just more of the same problem! That’s how you end up with an app on your phone to tell you you’re using the phone too much, you f**king children!”
· Sketch – Santa’s workshop
o Meh skit – The promise was that, since elves can’t build things like iPads, the North Pole has gone deep into debt.
o As one of the elves (Ronny) explained to Santa (Kal,) “We’ve been borrowing money for 70 years to buy real toys that kids want, and now the bank is demanding repayment.”
o Desi showed up to shake down Santa and repo his stuff.
· Interview – Astronaut/author Mike Massimino
o Kal, as a self-confessed space nerd, was super excited to interview Massimino.
o He talked about the emotional experience of being in space, fighting to hold back tears because they’re not supposed to get their suits wet – “There’s no crying in space.”
o I liked this remark from Massimino – “We checked out the neighborhood, man, there’s nowhere to go. We’ve got to make this planet work!”
o They discussed recent releases on UFOs/UAPs, and Massimino was sure to clarify the difference between “life” and “intelligent life” – “We don’t really have the ability to go that far to find anybody, so they need to come find us.”
o Massimino also went into detail on NASA “potty training” to learn how to use the space toilets – “I’ve got nothing for you on aliens, but I’ve got this!”
Thursday, December 16
· Headlines – House GOP votes for impeachment inquiry, House passes Whole Milk Act, Boston mayor disinvites white staffers to holiday party for POC
o Kal, naturally, pointed out the hypocrisy of the House GOP opening an impeachment inquiry over their as-yet baseless claims that Biden has profited personally from his political position, given their support of Trump’s presidency – “He had so many schemes going on, running the country was basically his side hustle.”
o I appreciated this world-weary point – “It seems like impeachment is something that’s just gonna, like, happen to every president from now on, which is not at all how it’s supposed to be.”
o Rep. Virginia Foxx advocated for the Whole Milk Act with a speech about whole milk giving Santa the energy he needs to deliver presents around the world in one night – “…Okay. I don’t know if that’s the best argument. How much energy does milk give you if Santa has to stop and drink more at every house?”
o Kal noted that, while the Whole Milk Act passed with bipartisan support, it was particularly championed by the GOP – “Which makes sense. You can’t look at this party and tell me you’re surprised they’re obsessed with milk.”
o So the mayor of Boston held a holiday party for BIPOC staffers, but the email invites accidentally went out to everybody – “Listen, white friends, I know what you’re thinking, but your coworkers aren’t excluding you from a party so that they get to talk shit about you. That’s what our WhatsApp is for.”
o Troy shrugged off Kal’s urge to consider what it’s like to be excluded – “I wouldn’t know, because I’m half Japanese, and Jewish, and gay, and I look kind of white, so I’ve never been excluded from a party in my life. And I never will! Because that would be a hate crime.”
o Troy also took issue with the argument that the white staffers should’ve been invited once they found out about it – “There’s no point in having an exclusive party if everybody else doesn’t know how exclusive the party is.”
o Near the end of the piece, Troy told Kal, “Okay, well, we can talk about that tonight at the Daily Show holiday party for gay and Asian on-camera talent.”
· Long Story Short – Decriminalizing sex work
o We began with the fact that, because it’s illegal, sex work is pushed into the shadows, which makes it dangerous – “It’s even more dangerous on average than being a cop, and like, you wouldn’t think those jobs have anything in common, right? For one, sex workers only choke you if you ask them to.”
o We looked at Nevada, the first state to decriminalize sex work, and saw how things like licenses and STI testing make it safer for everyone – “This is why we should want sex work to be regulated. Regulations keep sex workers safe from nearly every single job hazard.”
· Interview – Actress Taraji P. Henson
o Henson was promoting the new film of the musical adaptation of The Color Purple – She talked about seeing the original film as a child, saying, “I lived in the hood, and sometimes when you come from places like that, your dreams are stifled. But I just remember seeing all those Black faces, and I was like, ‘I wanna do that!’”
o She praised the atmosphere on set, surrounded by Black actresses who supported and uplifted each other – “This was Fantasia Barrino and Danielle Brooks’s first feature studio film. So when they felt inadequate, I held their hands in terms of being their first film. And for me, the singing, so they held my hand.”
o I loved Henson’s description of this new take on the story – “The trauma is there, absolutely. But we have imagination, we fight.”
I enjoyed Kal his first time guest hosting, but I thought he was better here. He seemed more settled and relaxed, and he had good interactions with the correspondents.
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