News Satire Roundup: October 1st

Sunday, October 1

·        Recap of the Last Five Months – Sen. John Kennedy reading explicit material in a Senate hearing, Lauren Boebert kicked out of Beetlejuice: The Musical, Sen. Robert Menendez indicted on bribery charges, Mike Lindell deposition, King Charles III’s coronation, sun bear in Chinese zoo, protest over Reddit policy change, viral video of police officer wiping out on a slide, Fall Out Boy releases a new version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” writer’s strike

o   John acknowledged that the very first piece of news the show was covering after five months away was Sen. John Kennedy’s explicit reading at a Senate hearing – “Since the words ‘strap-on harness’ careened out of Sen. Foghorn Leghorn’s mouth, it was always this.”

o   I loved this joke about Sen. Menendez – “ ‘How much is one kilo of gold worth’ is an inherently incriminating Google search. It’s right up there with, ‘Can you snort Adderall?’ and, ‘How to get bloodstains out of your wife?’”

o   In response to announced policy changes, many Redditors began flooding certain subreddits with images of John – “And my personal favorite: this one, labeled John Oliver Wick, which is a pretty good way of showing you exactly what it would look like if Professor Snape ever committed armed robbery.”

o   John took issue with some footage of a local news team puzzling over the Reddit protests and why it took the form of pictures of John “looking ‘sexy’” – He said, “Okay. Putting my feelings aside, which they certainly did there….”

o   I loved John calling Sound of Freedom “the feel-good child sex trafficking hit that we’ve all been waiting for.”

o   Great response to the 9/11 reference in Fall Out Boy’s new “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – “ ‘What else do I have to say?’ Nothing, Fall Out Boy! No one’s making you do this!”

o   John had some excellent words about the long-overdue resolution of the writers’ strike – “While I’m happy that they eventually got a fair deal and immensely proud of what our union accomplished, I’m also furious that it took the studios 148 days to achieve a deal they could’ve offered on day fucking one.”

·        And Now This – Local News is Very Excited about What Week This Is

o   Fat Bear Week! – I smiled at the anchor who mused, “I wonder how the bears feel about being called fat.”

·        Main Story – Prison health care

o   Valid – “That’s right. After five long months, we’re welcoming you back with a story about prisoner healthcare, because deep down, this is who we are.”

o   Loved this observation, about people who complain about inmates getting free healthcare – “Okay. It is just wild to point out that the only place Americans are guaranteed healthcare is jail and somehow make it seem like the problem is prisoners and not our deeply broken system.”

o   We looked at some statistics to show the importance of healthcare in prisons, such as the 264% in incarcerated people over the age of 55 between 1999 and 2015.

o   Naturally, though, “guaranteed healthcare” doesn’t mean “quality healthcare,” as evidenced by the folks who suggested “prayer and Red Bull” to treat cancer pain and one prison’s “one good eye” policy, which forces inmates to choose which eye/limb/etc. they want to treat and leave the other one alone.

o   And what do you know, a huge part of the issue is that states contract out prison healthcare to private companies, many of which are grossly negligent/corrupt – And when states discover the extent of the rot, they frequently switch to a new company that’s just as bad.

o   This bit made me smile – “Let me be clear, I am not a doctor. Although if you put me in a white lab coat, I do think I could get away with it for two to six weeks, because I have an accent and I know how to say ‘subdural hematoma.’ I’m basically halfway there already.”

o   Horrible story about a man nearing the end of his sentence, who doctors neglected to test for cancer and then neglected to treat when they finally did. He could have survived with early detection/intervention, but their indifference will cost him his life – “That is a tragedy. Just ten months left on his sentence, showing clear signs of cancer and nothing was done. And again, he was in there for vehicle theft. The punishment for that is clearly not death, but under a system this cruel, it can turn out to be.”

o   Great summation – “When you put all of this together, it’s hard to escape two conclusions: that all of the options currently on the table are bad, and that the reason they are allowed to so bad is because of who this care is for.”

·        And Now This – Fall is Here, and so is Something Else

o   It’s the annual Pumpkin Spice Latte bit, this year with strong Dune vibes!

o   One of my favorites was, “We are powerless worms sick with desire for whimsical fall flavors!”

o   I also loved this one – “No!!! The spice can never be stopped!!! It shall echo into eternity!!!!”