After spending the second half of the week on Andor (and rightly so!), I’m catching up with News Satire Roundup. Here we go!
Monday, September 19
· Main Story – Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral
o Fun joke in this opening blurb about Jeff Bezos being unseated as the second richest man in the world – “Poor Jeff Bezos. When he heard this, his rocket ship immediately went limp.”
o We got another blurb on Biden stating that the pandemic is “over” – “I get why Biden said this. I mean, he just had COVID. Everyone who gets COVID is over COVID. Everyone. As soon as they’re done, they’re like, ‘All right. It’s done for everybody, let’s start this party!’”
o I loved Trevor’s reaction to the 20-hour+ line to view the queen’s casket, especially one commentator who chalked it up to “the British love queuing,” calling it their “national pastime” – “That’s an interesting takeaway. ‘Why are these people here?’ ‘They just like lining up.’”
o Good line – “Essentially the entire country shut down for this thing. You’ve never seen anything like it. Schools and businesses were closed. Which—I mean, and that’s a really great way to honor, you know, someone who also never had to work, but it was intense.”
o I liked this bit, about how Biden had a six-car motorcade while other world leaders had to share buses – “That must have sucked. I mean, the whole point of becoming a world leader is that you don’t ever have to ride a bus anymore. Imagine you’re the emperor of Japan and you have to pretend you don’t hear Justin Trudeau shitting in the bus bathroom.”
o But Trevor decided that Biden’s “special treatment” was actually for the best – “Can you imagine being stuck on a bus with Joe Biden? With Joe Biden. The conversation would never end!”
o Trevor did a joke about the queen’s corgis “[following] a little trail of dog treats right into the tomb” – When the audience reacted, he insisted, “That’s how the Egyptians did it! I’m assuming the English are the same.”
· CP Time (Roy) – Black animation
o This intro made me smile – “Did you know that it’s legal to talk about Black history even when it’s not Black History Month?”
o The first Black doll based on a cartoon character came from the comic Patty and Jo – “It was the only doll with a face that said, ‘I know these white girls about to touch my hair.’”
o Disney employee Floyd Norman was given the chance to animate on The Jungle Book after Walt Disney saw some of the satirical work cartoons he’d put up around the studio – “You know how good you have to be at your job where roasting your boss gets you a promotion?”
o A more modern trail brazer was Bruce W. Smith, who created The Proud Family and worked on The Princess and the Frog – “And yes, I know [Tiana] was immediately turned into a frog, but it was still a better royal experience than the one Meghan Markle had.”
· Interview – Comedian/podcast host Sam Morril
o I liked Trevor’s summation of Morril’s comedy – “Onstage, it never feels like you’re, like, trying to hurt anybody. It’s never been like that. But you’re funny. You’re still edgy. I think you do what comedy needs. Like, you keep people on their toes, you know? It’s not like you’re safe for the sake of being safe.”
o This is what Morril had to say about his own comedy philosophy – “We’ve all gotten mad at a person, and that’s not funny. You lose—when you become too emotionally attached to something, you’re not funny anymore. You need the detachment.”
Tuesday, September 21
· Headlines – Adnan Syed’s conviction overturned, Sinaloa drug cartel starts running water, Air Canada buys electric planes, Hong Kong study on ants
o Great joke in the opening blurb about an exec from Beyond Meat biting someone in a fight – “Goddamn, when vegans have a cheat day, they really go hard.”
o I loved this observation about Adnan Syed being freed – “I know people are celebrating this, and I understand why, but I’m gonna be honest with you—I find it weird that America confuses fixing a mistake with a happy ending. You know what I mean? Be like, ‘Good news! We got out of Afghanistan.’ ‘Why were you there in the first place?’ ‘Good news! We got emergency water to Jackson, Mississippi!’ ‘Why do you need emergency water?’ ‘Good news! We took all the pink slime out of the meat.’ ‘The pink what now?’”
o Extremely valid – “What does it say about America that it takes a podcast to help free a man from prison? Because what I think it says is that either America needs to reform its justice system or podcasts need to become part of the justice system.”
o I loved this statement about the prosecutor who reviewed Syed’s case, digging deeper than she had to to prove that his trial had been conducted unfairly – “She said no. ‘If we’re going to put somebody in prison, it has to be without a doubt.’ And that shows you the difference between a justice system that wants justice versus a system that just wants to put people in prison.”
o This was a good comment about drug cartels in Mexico now controlling water – “Here’s the thing: just because climate change happens gradually doesn’t mean it’s not a crisis. All right, people watch Mad Max and they’re like, ‘Ah, that’s a bit unrealistic.’ But remember, that’s not day one. It didn’t start like that. Immortan Joe didn’t roll up into the office like that. It was gradual.”
o I laughed at this reaction to electric planes – “I don’t know about you, but I’m excited for this, you know? Like, I can’t wait to fly on maybe the second or third one they make.”
o It’s been determined that there are around 20 quadrillion ants on the planet, which is about 2.5 million per human – “And that’s really bad news. Yeah, ‘cause I can fight, like, 20 ants, tops. After that, I’m leaving the picnic.”
o As the headline correspondent, Ronny came in clutch as always with the social media news – “As you know, the big dumb trend of the day is happening on TikTok, where people are cooking chicken with Nyquil, also known as chicken a la Cosby.”
o Ronny always finds a way to mock Trevor’s posts during this bit. Today, it was an ad for his (in Ronny’s mind, unnecessary) podcast – “First of all, you don’t drop a podcast episode, okay? This isn’t a Kendrick Lamar album.”
· Main Story – Gov. Ron DeSantis’s migrant flight stunt
o Good description of DeSantis – “Florida governor and the dad of your school bully.”
o Because his stunt lured asylum seekers onto a plane under false pretenses and then transported them across state lines, some are now calling for an investigation into DeSantis – “ ‘Kidnapping by inveiglement’? I swear to god, Republicans are going to give me a law degree by the time this shit is over, ‘cause we keep learning about new things. Inveiglement?”
o Good bit about right-wing media praising DeSantis over this – “I like how Republicans are like, ‘No, no, we’re not using immigrants as pawns, but also, checkmate.’”
o Right on – “This really shows you how America is living in two completely separate realities right now. In the Democratic world, this was a heartless and illegal stunt. In MAGA world, this was the most brilliant thing anyone’s done since Jesus invented the AR-15.”
o Trevor agreed with Trump that DeSantis stole this move from him – “[Trump] is the guy who came up with the idea of turning all politics into a series of stunts. That is what he did. The Muslim ban, build the wall. That shit didn’t solve anything, but it got the people going. And now, pulling stunts has become the driving force of the Republican party. But Trump—he’s stuck watching it from the sidelines.”
· Interview – Actress/author Jenifer Lewis
o After Trevor congratulated her on her recent star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Lewis said, “I told the audience when I accepted that it wasn’t my work on camera and on stage. It was the work off stage. I’m bipolar, I went and took care of myself, my soul, and the disease itself, the disorder itself. I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I never thought I’d run around quoting the Constitution. But we all have a right to pursue happiness!”
o That’s what her new book is about, a series of essays on how she finds joy in her life – “I live on purpose. I write it down. Journaling is one of the greatest tools to pulling one’s self together, to gather your thoughts.”
o Lewis was talking about some of the traveling she’s done – After raving about Angkor Wat and encouraging everyone to go see it, she added, “And I’m not gonna tell you what it is, look it up!”
Wednesday, September 21
· Headlines – New York AG sues Trump Organization for fraud, Putin orders more troops to Ukraine, LeBron James shaves head
o Open blurb on the DHHS recommending anxiety screenings for all Americans under 65. Trevor wasn’t impressed – “If you live in America and you don’t have anxiety, your ass needs a mental health screening. Like, a full one.”
o Trump’s fraud included numerous instances of claiming inflated property values to get better rates on loans – “For instance, Mar-a-Lago was worth $75 million. And what did Trump say it was worth? $740 million. How? ‘Because I upgraded it, folks. Yeah, totally upgraded. I added a rec room. It’s got a foosball table and everything.’”
o This made me smile – “I’ve gotta say it would be so funny if this is what takes Trump down. Huh? Can you imagine, he tried to overthrow the government, but then they get him for lying about having an in-unit washer-dryer. It’s like, that’s the thing that locks him up.”
o I liked this bit about Putin’s speech – “He said, ‘This is not a bluff.’ Although, to be fair, ‘This is not a bluff’ is what someone who’s bluffing would say. Yeah, it wouldn’t be very effective if he was like, ‘I will nuke entire world, but I am bluffing, so don’t worry.’”
o I loved Trevor’s reaction to LeBron James’s shaved head – “Not only does he look better, this is gonna be trouble for the rest of the league. Can you imagine a more aerodynamic LeBron? He’s gonna be unstoppable.”
o Trevor also thought it was high time James embraced the baldness – “His hair was so far back, Steph Curry was hitting threes from behind it.”
· Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Black mountaineers
o In a new segment called “We Don’t Do That,” Dulcé met with Black people with stereotypically-“white” hobbies – in this case, mountaineering.
o These folks were hardcore, though – Team Full Circle set out to be the first all-Black climbing group to summit Everest!
o Of the 10,000, people known to have successfully reached the top of Everest, fewer than 10 of them are Black.
o One of the climbers pushed back against people who argue that Black people don’t do snow/skiing/camping, saying, “That can become a very real, self-imposed limitation” – Dulcé added, “It’s until you see someone that looks like you that does it, it’s… ‘we don’t do those things.’”
o That said, they didn’t exactly win Dulcé over in their description of the demands of climbing Mt. Everest – “So you have to bring your own air to outside? But that’s where all the air lives!”
· Interview – Gubernatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke
o O’Rourke was optimistic in the face of previous unsuccessful campaigns and increasingly extremist laws in Texas – When asked why he still has hope, he answered, “It’s really about where Texas is and what Texans are willing to do about it.”
o This, in his view, is what the midterms are going to be about – “Are we gonna be defined by this extremism and our hatred and the way that we make each other afraid of one another, or are we gonna come together and do big things together?”
o When Trevor pushed him, noting that a majority of Texans seem to approve of Gov. Greg’s Abbott’s decisions to, say, bus migrants to other states, O’Rourke looked ahead to better solutions – “What if Texas led the way in rewriting our immigration laws to reflect our values, our interests, and our needs, and we said, ‘Look, you want to come to this country, you must follow our laws, but our laws will follow our values’? I want Texas to lead on that.”
o Trevor admired O’Rourke’s ideas but seemed less convinced that they could pay off, saying, “It seems like America is getting to a place where people are less enthused by long-term plans and more riled up by an immediate idea that seems like it will work, even if it may not.”
Thursday, September 22
· Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That – DoJ investigation into Trump, protests in Iran, protests in Russia, security cameras installed on NYC subway cars
o I loved the description of Trump as “the only former president with a side gig selling bedazzled classified documents on Etsy.”
o Sigh, so Trump claimed he had the power to declassify documents “just by thinking about it” – “Donald Trump can declassify documents with his brain? How? He can’t even read documents with his brain. How does this happen?”
o Good joke on the Iran protests, where women are pushing back against the abuses of the morality police – “Think about it. You’re gonna have a bunch of random people walking around Iran, telling women what to do with their own bodies? Huh? In America you have to be on the Supreme Court to do that.”
o Oof, mothers in Russia have been protesting Putin’s troop expansion with chants of, “Send Putin to the trenches, let our children live.”
o Trevor pointed out that a lot of Russians are trying to get out of the country any way they can to avoid being drafted – “Some are even hitting up Ron DeSantis, pretending to be Venezuelans.”
o This made me laugh – “We already have cameras in all the subways. Yeah. They’re called iPhones. Anything, anything that those security cameras are gonna pick up was already on TikTok two days ago. Don’t get it twisted.”
o Excellent observation – “America loves investing in catching criminals, as opposed to investing in a society where people are less likely to commit crime.”
· Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Prove Me Wrong
o Back-to-school edition! One guy argued against Dulcé’s claim that we don’t need to learn spelling anymore, saying that there are places in the world where people don’t have access to autocorrect technology – “I haven’t lived that life, but I know that they exist.”
o Dulcé didn’t buy that reasoning – She told the guy, who was British, “Listen, I’m an American. I don’t think about anyone else. Why would I think this extrapolates to the rest of the world?”
o Dulcé cut off women who argued against her “attractive people shouldn’t be teachers” stance by saying that attractiveness was subjective – “I don’t wanna play this game. We know who’s ugly. We do this all the time as people. ‘Oh, attractiveness is relative.’ No, it’s not.”
· Interview – Actor Xolo Maridueña
o Maridueña was flattered by Trevor’s mention of his growing popularity – “ ‘The Internet’s boyfriend.’ Okay. That’s—I haven’t heard that one before. I think my mom maybe wrote that. Maybe she was—I think she was putting in a good word for me.”
o Trevor found it interesting that Maridueña stars in Cobra Kai, considering that “[he wasn’t] even alive when The Karate Kid came out.” – Maridueña did him one better, pointing out, “I was barely alive when the Jaden Smith one came out.”
o As an actor, Maridueña learns skills like karate on the job, but he wasn’t sure how transferable those skills would be to the real world – “I can fight, yes. I don’t know if I can fight well. I think, if I were to be in a fight in real life, I’d be like, ‘Can you throw it with the other hand? I only know how to block it on this side.’”
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