News Satire Roundup: August 21st

Sunday, August 21

·        Recap of the Week – Mar-a-Lago raid, primary elections

o   I laughed at John shouting out Dick Cheney’s “last-minute Emperor Palpatine-like endorsement” of his daughter, which didn’t help her win her primary.

o   John was delighted by a video of an Alaskan election official explaining ranked-choice voting with “the offensively-Alaskan choice of candidates” of an elk, a polar bear, a penguin, and an owl – “It’s the equivalent of New Jersey explaining rank-choice voting using Bon Jovi, Tony Soprano, a deer that’s never eaten food intended for a deer, and melanoma.”

o   Oh boy – “Yeah. Sarah fucking Palin’s back, and it’s like it’s 2008 all over again. She’s running for office, the U.S. entered a bear market, and Sex in the City is making spinoffs that it quite frankly doesn’t have the material to back up. Society is going backwards.”

·        And Now This – 60 second of Tucker Carlson being right about stuff

o   Plenty of these were Tucker Carlson sarcastically parroting criticisms such as, “The riot at the Capitol was a white supremacist insurrection,” “I have enjoyed white privilege,” and, “This show is racist!”

o   Toward the end, though, we got a series of clips of him talking about supposed leftwing propaganda, culminating in, “It’s easy to laugh at this, but it’s also horrifying. Think about the brainwashing required to do this with a straight face.”

·        Main Story – Carbon offsets

o   Loved this description of planet Earth – “It’s basically the Oscar Isaac of planets, in that it seems to be getting alarmingly hotter every year.”

o   Oh man, KitKat’s slogan for their carbon-neutral goals is “Let’s Give the Planet a Break.”

o   However, a lot of corporations’ big promises are built on flimsy ground – “One study that looked closely at the net-zero promises of dozens of companies in heavily polluting industries found that 2/3 of them are relying on offsets instead of emissions reductions.”

o   This extends to touring bands as well, and John shared an awkward video from My Chemical Romance explaining their carbon-offset investments – “Cool. Thanks, guys. And I admit it is nice to see them representing their core fan base: middle schoolers who have to give a presentation in front of the class against their will.”

o   It comes down to this – “If the idea that you can simply invest a little money and make your carbon footprint disappear sounds too good to be true, that’s because it absolutely is.”

o   John had a great reaction to a BP executive explaining the concept of carbon offsets using black balloons with “CO₂” printed on them – “I’m not sure he needed to use the decorations from a clown’s funeral to do it, but I guess without them, I’d never have known what it looks like when you add three to something but then take three away. It simply can’t be done.”

o   Also getting on the “too good to be true” train? Airport kiosks that allow passengers to pay to offset their travel – “Now that price is obviously too low. It is pretty suspicious that you could walk into an airport and offset more than 1,000 miles of air travel for just $2, then head over to a Cibo Express where it costs at least five times that to buy a soggy chicken wrap that somehow looks, if I had to pick one descriptor, recently divorced.”

o   Loved this bit – “On some level, you probably know carbon offsets are bullshit. Both because you’re a reasonably intelligent person and because you know exactly what show you are watching right now. I don’t open my beak to squawk out good news. This thing pops open for sad news and porridge, and I’m all out of porridge right now.”

o   Some corporations “offset” their emissions by paying to “protect” trees at places like Hudson Farm Club, a private hunting club owned by a billionaire – “First, it’s not just me. We’re all getting strong Get Out vibes from that place, right? It’s not just me.”

o   Meanwhile, companies like NCX identify existing trees on private farms that corporations can also pay to “protect” – “Basically, they will pay you to leave your trees alone. Which is a pretty good deal, as it should be easy not to cut down trees.”

o   In addition to the lazy shortcuts and loopholes already built into programs that allow corporations to pollute in exchange for vague money for trees, those paltry efforts are themselves at further risk – “Given that forest fires are now on the rise thanks to climate change, offset programs can and have literally gone up in flames.”

o   John said, “The problem with carbon offsets is everyone wants to believe in them” as an easy fix for climate change – However, “When you buy an offset so you can pollute more and that offset is bullshit, you’re now actively making things worse.”

o   Not to mention companies that do plant new trees for corporate offsets can cause other problems, such as a pine tree plantation established in Uganda by a Swedish company, which resulted in thousands of Ugandans being evicted from their land to make way for the planting.