News Satire Roundup: April 10th-April 14th

Sunday, April 10

·        Recap of the Week – Ukraine, OAN removed from DirecTV

o   The Ukraine story was mainly about lies on Russian state TV – One commentator claimed, in the span of a few sentences, that the people in the Bucha massacre were 1) killed by “liberators” after the Russian forces left the city, 2) actors faking a massacre, and 3) killed by the Ukrainian government to support their claims of Russian war crimes. Sick stuff.

o   As John put it, “Some truly grade-A propaganda work there, from the network that brought you Shut Up about Vladimir Putin’s Election Fraud and Poisoning Opponents? La La La, I Can’t Hear You.”

o   I laughed at John’s reaction to an OAN anchor alluding to the network’s removal from DirecTV while refusing to name the cable provider in the story – “Ah yes, the hallmark of a great news network: bringing you hard-hitting news stories without specifics, because they make the anchor sad.”

o   Another OAN anchor casually questioning whether or not the Russian army is committing war crimes was so gross – “Wow. It is pretty maddening to watch Neo-Fascist Vin Diesel there question civilian casualties with the tone of a stoned teenager talking about penguins.”

·        And Now This – National Hug a Newsperson Day

o   You can guess what this montage is about – I laughed at the guy who held out his arms invitingly to his co-anchor, then resignedly said, “…Or don’t. I guess, apparently.”

·        Main Story – Data brokers

o   This was an amusing description of data brokers – “They’re the ‘middlemen of surveillance capitalism,’ which sounds like both a horrific profession and also a B+ Jake Gyllenhaal thriller.”

o   As always, John succinctly laid out the issue at hand – “The truth is, when it comes to data brokers, they know significantly more about you than you might like and do significantly more with it than you might think.”

o   As someone who uses technology well but doesn’t know a ton about how it works, I appreciated John explaining the difference between regular cookies, which allows websites to remember things like keeping you logged in and what’s in your cart, and third-party cookies, which allows your data on that site to be collected by brokers who will sell it for the purpose of things like targeted ads and political research.

o   With their massive amounts of data on each consumer, data brokers use that to sort them into groups – A few actual group names used by one broker were “Boomers and Boomerangs” and “Kids and Cabernet.”

o   Creepy targeted ads are bad enough, but we of course went even further down the rabbit hole of what’s possible, like brokers selling data that identifies people’s medical conditions through their web searches – “That’s pretty creepy, isn’t it? I honestly did not think there could be a worse thing to ask a woman you don’t know than ‘Are you pregnant?’ But ‘You are pregnant, wanna know who I paid to find out?’ has certainly entered the chat.”

o   We have data brokers selling people to people they know are using it maliciously, from people perpetuating elder fraud scams to stalkers and domestic abusers.

o   Our Fourth Amendment protections against illegal search and seizure don’t apply to the government buying data from brokers, with agencies such as the FBI and ICE being able to view users’ web searches, and even their locations, with impunity – It was really creepy that an app to help Muslims keep track of prayer times shared users’ location data with brokers who then sold them to the federal government.

o   Part of the issue in untangling all this is that data brokers have become a major arm of the online economy – “All the free stuff on the internet you take for granted is only free because you are the product. They make the money by selling your data.”

o   Reasoning that lawmakers don’t pass consumer protections until they realize it affects them too, John demonstrated how shockingly easy it is to buy consumer date from, say, in and around Capitol Hill, and he threw out some feelers for how easy it would be to identify users through their data and expose embarrassing information about them – A “Ted Cruz Erotic Fanfiction” banner ad was involved. :shudder:

 

 Monday, April 11

·        Headlines – D.C. COVID outbreak, Will Smith banned from the Oscars for a decade, Ukraine

o   This was the show’s first episode back with a live studio audience, and from the start you could tell it was a special moment. We opened on Desi talking to people waiting in line for the show, and all throughout the episode, Trevor was just vibing on the audience’s energy – I think he pivoted to remote episodes better than any other late-night host, but it’s clear he was thrilled to have the audience back.

o   Good joke – “Yes, COVID is ripping through Washington, D.C. right now. And you know what? It’s just nice to see the Capitol being overrun with something that doesn’t smear feces in Nancy Pelosi’s office. This is a nice change.”

o   I loved Trevor’s response to Nancy Pelosi kissing Biden on the cheek at a bill signing the day before she tested positive for COVID – “Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but why are we kissing our coworkers? What are we doing? It’s not necessary, all right? Not now, not ever. In the history of jobs, no one has ever needed a kiss from their coworker. All right?”

o   Trevor contended that Will Smith getting banned from the Oscars (while still being eligible to get nominated and win awards) wasn’t really a punishment – “I wish I could get banned from the Emmys. I wish! Every year, I have to go and act like I might beat John Oliver. It’s a nightmare! Oh, put on my hopeful face. ‘Oh, it could be me.’ It’s not gonna be me! It’s not gonna be any of us! It’s gonna be John Oliver.”

o   This made me laugh – “I actually think they should have hired Will Smith to replace the ‘wrap it up’ music that they play at award shows. Yeah. Do you know how quickly winners will finish their speeches when they see Will Smith watching them from the side of the stage?”

o   Trevor was delightfully amused at Russian influencers crying on their socials over brands pulling out of Russia – “Yeah, on the list of people I feel bad for, Russian influencers are definitely right at the top for me.”

o   Great point about the uselessness of protesting a company by destroying a product of theirs you already own – I loved the bit about a Chanel bag not being “a voodoo doll” that causes Chanel physical pain when you cut it up.

·        Main Story – Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson

o   There was plenty of joy in this story, but it was also tempered with a lot of reality – “And this is happening just in time for the court to eliminate all rights for Black people and women.”

o   Good line – “Just think about it. She will be the most powerful Black woman in the country to have her opinions entirely dismissed by two thirds of her co-workers. Wow! This is huge.”

o   Trevor gave Mitt Romney credit for joining the standing ovation after Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation, while the rest of his Republican colleagues just got up and left the chamber – “This is just decorum, you know? All those other assholes—think about it. The first Black woman since this country was founded gets confirmed to the Supreme Court, and you can’t find it in you to stay and clap?”

o   Loved it – “Those Republicans ran out of the room like someone was handing out free N-word passes in the lobby.”

o   I enjoyed Trevor’s reaction to Jackson’s powerful, stirring speech after her confirmation – “I almost feel like if you’re a Black person who succeeds, you’ve got double the pressure on you, you know? Yeah, ‘cause you don’t just have to perform. You’ve also got to come up with dope lines when you get the job.”

o   Dulcé joined in to talk about Jackson’s confirmation. Most of her bit was just some stick about how she wanted to be the first Black woman on the Supreme Court (she’s so good at judging people, don’t you know,) but I loved her response to Trevor pointing out just how qualified Jackson is – “Of course she is! She had to be, okay? She’s a Black woman named Ketanji. She’s had to break glass ceilings and teacher white people how to say her name from day one.”

·        Interview – Actor/director Ben Stiller

o   Stiller’s description of time during the pandemic sounded a lot like time during his new show Severance – “It just feels like everything feels like a long time ago, yet, it also just happened.”

o   Severance explores an office where people have undergone a procedure to “sever” their working lives from their home lives, so they can only access their work memories at work and vice versa – When Trevor expressed surprise at the emergence of “moody director Ben Stiller,” accustomed to knowing him primarily for comedy, Stiller noted, “My inner circle knows me as the moody Ben Stiller.”

o   I appreciated this description of the show from Stiller – “People are gonna be human beings no matter what environment they’re in. So there’s a humanity to these characters who don’t know who they are […] They’re almost like children. Because they’ve only been cognizant for a few years. So they’re trying to figure out who they are.”

Tuesday, April 12

·        Headlines – Rising inflation, Elon Musk becomes Twitter’s primary shareholder, COVID lockdown in Shanghai, police pull over self-driving car

o   Trevor had an amusing bit gently letting down the people who were disappointed that the studio audience was returning and the show would feel less intimate as a result – “Ultimately, I just… I needed to see other people. A lot of other people. You know?”

o   I laughed at this – “The point is that everything is expensive. So expensive that even Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are starting to get all cocky with us. ‘Well, well, well. Who’s the junk mail now?! You used to throw me away. Yeah, I guess my 20% off isn’t clogging up your mailbox anymore, is it, mother**ker?’”

o   Good observation that, in addition to hitting people’s wallets, inflation can make us feel “crazy” – “Yesterday, this avocado was three dollars. Now it’s six! Are you gaslighting me, avocado?”

o   Relatable response to the footage of people languishing under Shanghai’s incredibly restrictive lockdown – “You know, every time you think you know what oppression is, China takes things to a whole new level.”

o   Trevor agreed that wanted to reduce the spread of COVID is a worthwhile goal, but he argued that letting people starve in their apartments wasn’t the answer – “The solution cannot be worse than the problem, you know? It’s like a pilot crashing a plane because the in-flight movie was terrible. ‘Oh, don’t worry, folks. Morbius can’t hurt you in the afterlife.’”

o   I loved Trevor’s delighted response to footage of a driverless car driving away from a cop after it was pulled over – “Yeah, it may be a computer, but it’s got the confidence of a white person.”

o   Great bit, about the difficult scenarios facing cops as more driverless cars take to the rode – “Like, a driverless car starts acting up. What do you do? Do you tase it? That’s just gonna charge the battery. Makes things worse.”

o   At the end of the piece, Ronny came on, ostensibly to talk about social media, and he chimed in on the Elon Musk situation – He posited that Musk might be the person best situated to address Twitter’s toxicity, saying, “You don’t send a normal person to go do a sociopath’s job, okay?”

·        CP Time (Roy) – Black classical music

o   Oh man, Beethoven wrote a sonata for mixed violinist George Bridgetower, and in the dedication, he called Bridgetower “mulatto” three times and “lunatic” once – “Keep in mind, Beethoven was famous for knowing how things sound.”

o   This was an interesting factoid about Roland Hayes, a famous Black tenor – “He would even go through the phone book, and if he found a name he liked, he’d call that name and try to sell them tickets. Which means if he didn’t call you, your name was boring. Ain’t no Adam Joneses at those concerts. At the ticket booth, there’d be people saying, ‘Two tickets for Mephisto Bolognese, please.’”

·        Interview – NCAA coach Dawn Staley

o   Asked about her transition from playing to coaching, Staley launched into a story about how she trained her dog – Her point was to talk about taking situations as they come and meeting each demand, but she felt compelled to add, “I don’t mean to say, you know, training people is like training my dog.”

o   Staley talked about her choice to ensure wage equity, not just for herself, but for Black and/or female coaches who come after her – “It’s not just sports. But other professions, like, you know, women… women have been fighting for this for the longest. And, you know, if we do the same work, and we’re as successful, I mean, what’s the difference?”

o   She shared a story about the first Black female coach to win a championship giving her a piece of her championship net, which is always given to the winning coaches – When Staley won her own championship, she gave a piece of her net to all the Black female coaches, and now that she’s won a second time, she’s giving pieces to Black male coaches and Black journalists as well.

Wednesday, April 13

·        Headlines – Texas governor buses undocumented immigrants to D.C., Rihanna showcases pregnancy on Vogue cover, Pennsylvania school district confiscates snacks

o   Sheesh, Texas governor Greg Abbott sent migrants to D.C. on a 34-hour bus ride for political theatre – clearly, tax dollars well spent.

o   I loved Trevor’s reaction to the fact that the bus full of migrants arrived in D.C. right outside the Fox News office – “Those folks are already terrified of imaginary immigrants. Now what are they gonna do when the real ones show up?”

o   Great impression – “Oh my god, the caravan is here!” “What? I thought we made that up!” “I thought so too!”

o   Good observation – “For a long time, society has had a really weird relationship with pregnant women. You know? ‘Cause on the one hand, it’ll be like, ‘Ah, beautiful mother bringing life into the world.’ But then, on the other hand, society will be like, ‘Ah! I don’t want to see it! Ah! Can’t you breastfeed without your boobs?’”

o   I loved this description of pregnancy – “Think about it: you’re growing a person inside of you. You basically turn into a studio apartment for nine months. That’s incredible.”

o   On one hand, Trevor saw where schools were coming from in policing kids’ snacks – “If they’re all hopped up on sugar, how are they supposed to learn that racism ended in 1965? They can’t concentrate.”

o   But on the other hand, “American schools keep imposing all sorts of crazy restrictions. You know, it’s like, ‘Oh, which food can you eat?’ ‘What can you wear?’ ‘How many guns can you bring?’ And we’re in America, goddamn it! It’s not North Korea.”

·        Main Story – Brooklyn subway shooting

o   While Trevor acknowledged that “on a normal day, New Yorkers are not trying to help anybody,” he admired how people stepped up to help one another in the subway shooting – “When shit hits the fan, New Yorkers come together, man.”

o   This made me smile – “The subway is the lifeblood of New York. You know? It connects everyone. When it works. Don’t take it on the weekend; don’t even try.”

o   Trevor contended that New Yorkers riding the subway are already prepared for anything – “I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the subway, but the subway’s one place where, even on a normal day, you never know what’s gonna happen. Yeah, maybe you just listen to your podcast and everything is normal, or maybe a rat masturbates on your shoe. Could be an uneventful ride. Or you could get pulled in as a fourth member of a mariachi band. You don’t know!”

o   Trevor didn’t buy the MTA’s claim that, out of 10,000 security cameras throughout the whole subway system, the only ones that weren’t functioning were the ones immediately surrounding the area of the shooting – “That’s why every station has those signs that say ‘If You See Something, Say Something.’ ‘Cause they don’t see anything. They know their cameras won’t see shit!”

o   Trevor led the audience in cheering for Zach, the man who ultimately caught the shooting suspect – He then added, “Whatever you do, don’t check his old tweets. We don’t want to know. He’s our hero. We’re keeping him.”

·        Interview – Comedian/actor Jerrod Carmichael

o   Carmichael was there to talk about his new standup special Rothaniel, in which he came out to his audience.

o   Trevor asked why Carmichael chose to do this special “in real time,” instead of a few years’ down the road when all the personal/profession dust of coming out had settled – Carmichael replied, “For all of life’s problems, you don’t know if or when you’ll ever have the answer. Using the profession that we chose, like, I talk about my life. I don’t know. I have a opportunity to go and make it into a show. And so I did it.”

o   I liked this observation – “It’s kind of like music, I think, in that it captures a moment. The emotion is more specific because it’s happening in real time.”

o   Carmichael acknowledged that his coming out caused a lot of tension within his family, but he recognized the positive effect it had on many of his relationships as well – “I think my friendships are able to be actually actual friendships now. Like, my relationships are actually real now because I’m not hiding anything. Because I don’t have, like, a hand behind my back.”

Thursday, April 14

·        Headlines – Elon Musk offers to buy Twitter, senators question Diane Feinstein’s faculties, Miles Bridges melts down at NBA game, Tennessee state senate cracks down on homelessness

o   As Trevor put it, Elon Musk buying a controlling interest in Twitter “[gave] him majority control of Denzel expressing relief.”

o   Some have speculated that Musk’s offered to buy Twitter specifically at $54.20 a share was a 420 reference – “And that’s how you know you’re too rich. When you’re spending an extra few million dollars just to slip a weed joke in to your takeover bid.”

o   Trevor was frightened by Musk’s desire to “unlock Twitter’s full potential” – “I thought Twitter was unlocked. No, like, is there a locked version we don’t know about? Are there parts of Twitter that are still shut down? Well, maybe let’s keep them like that. Yeah, never once have I logged onto Twitter and been like, ‘Man, I just wish this place would let loose. People really hold back on here! All nuanced and shit.’”

o   Trevor thought Musk’s plan to remove all the bots from Twitter could backfire – “That’s like 99% of the platform. Who’s gonna be left, huh? Yeah, it’s like trying to ban all sex criminals from Hollywood. You’re just gonna be left with Paul Rudd and Baby Yoda.”

o   With the Sen. Feinstein story, some have floated the idea of a maximum age requirement, to parallel the minimum age – This led to an amusing bit from Trevor riffing on the thought of a Senate without a minimum age requirement, speculating on how a hypothetical “Senator Baby” could be an improvement on senators like Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.

o   Valid – “Do you realize the average age of the Senate is 64? Average age. And I’m not saying that they can’t do their job. I’m just saying how invested are you in the future of the planet if you’ll be leaving soon? You know?”

o   I laughed at Trevor’s reaction to NBA player Miles Bridges throwing his mouth guard into the crowd in anger – “If you’re a basketball player who shoots for the heckler but you hit a teenage girl… kind of proves the heckler’s point.”

o   Trevor noted that some fans are filming themselves heckling players in the hopes of getting an extreme reaction and going viral, like one “fan” who shouted insults about a player’s recently-deceased grandma – “I’m sorry, guys, if you’re looking for heckling material in the obituaries, that’s taking things too far.”

o   Trevor had no patience for Tennessee making it a crime to sleep under a bridge – “Here’s my question—whenever they do this, what are the homeless people supposed to do? Right? When you make it a crime. What—like, what do you think’s gonna happen? You think they’re gonna be like, ‘Well, if sleeping under this bridge is illegal, I guess I’ll finally buy that townhouse I’ve been looking at. Eh, it was all about my options.’”

o   The reason the Tennessee bill was in the news was because of Sen. Frank Niceley, who, during the floor debate, invoked Hitler as an example of someone who was once homeless and went on to be “successful”? – “Yeah, homeless people, don’t despair. If you apply yourself, one day you too can do genocide.”

o   Nice line – “You realize comparing homeless people to the worst person in history is definitely not gonna help them, right? Because who’s going to want to help homeless people now? It’s just gonna be people like, ‘Ah, no, I’m not giving you money. You could become the future Hitler.’”

o   I get where Trevor was coming from on this one, in reference to Nicely even knowing in the first place that Hitler was ever homeless – “I don’t know about you, but it creeps me out when people know too much about Hitler’s life. Yeah, there’s something really disturbing about anyone who’s like, ‘Did you know Hitler’s favorite fruit was the mango?’”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – CPAC

o   Many CPAC attendees were, naturally, still fully aboard the Trump train – When one woman “explained” to Jordan that there was no need to include 2020 in looking at the economy during the Trump administration, Jordan gamely replied, “We don’t count the whole term. We can cherry-pick numbers that make him look like a fantastic president.”

o   I really liked Jordan’s interplay with a guy who complained about kids being “indoctrinated” by teachers allegedly hanging transgender flags in their classrooms – Once Jordan got the guy to admit he didn’t even know the colors of the trans flag, his most “damning evidence” remaining was, “They’re colorful. And kids like colors.”

o   This was a good exchange, when Jordan asked an attendee about Trump calling Putin a genius – “I think he has a way of playing with words.” “Right, like saying the opposite of what a patriot would say.”

·        Interview – Actress Rosie Perez

o   Perez was there to promote the new season of The Flight Attendant. Trevor asked her if she knew during the initial shoot if the show was going to be successful enough to get renewed – “It was the first scene that I had with Kaley Cuoco. I just knew it. I just knew it. First day, first scene, out the bag, I said, ‘This is gonna be a hit.’”

o   Perez talked about what it mean to be portrayed menopause in an honest, empathetic way through her character – “I get so much response from women of a certain age saying, ‘Thank you. Thank you. My husband doesn’t think I’m crazy now.’”

o   She told an amusing story about the Oscars, where Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson were supposed to help her adjust her train before she went onstage, only to watch the playback and realize they were holding it up the whole time they were presenting.