Monday, September 20
· Headlines – California wildfires, Taliban fighters relax, spotted lantern fly infestation
o Upon hearing the news that the trunks of ancient sequoias are being wrapped in foil to protect them from wildfires, Trevor wondered how scientists came up with that plan – His theory involved a scientist getting a baked potato from the cafeteria and going, “Wait a minute!”
o Some good jokes about the oldest sequoia in the world, which is over 2,000 years old – “That tree probably knew the cross that Jesus died on. It sees a crucifix and it’s like, ‘Steve! Steve!’”
o Loved this one too – “That tree is so old, it was around during slavery. And it did nothing to stop it. You just stood there and watched us, tree! You watched us!”
o I loved Trevor’s reaction to photos of Taliban fighters using pedal boats left behind by Americans – “Goddamn, America only left Afghanistan two weeks ago and the Taliban already has a Navy?!”
o Trevor wasn’t sure if scientists should deputize “untrained civilians” to kill spotted lantern flies, running the risk of killing “innocent butterflies” – “Aw shit, what have I done? I’ll just say it was affiliated with ISIS, does that work?”
· Main Story – Impact of the pandemic on nurses
o While, early in the pandemic, people took time out of each evening to honor healthcare workers, “at some point, we all stopped clapping, but nurses never stopped sacrificing.”
o Nurses are under severe strain due to the latest, completely self-inflicted surge, leading many to leaving the profession – in New York, there’s been a 400% increase in nurses seeking new jobs.
o Valid, for multiple reasons – “All right, no, people. No, no. You cannot solve a nursing shortage with a pizza party. In fact, it’s probably gonna make the problem worse, because it’s the last food you want to feed someone who needs to stay awake for a double shift. I mean, how many times have you had a pizza and then gone on to run a marathon? Never, that’s how many times!”
o Adding to the nursing shortage is the subset of those who are quitting rather than follow vaccine mandates, sigh – “Whoa, this nurse is a genius! She knows that, in order to stop an unvaccinated person, you must first think like an unvaccinated person. In order to kill COVID, you must first die of COVID! It’s so obvious now.”
o The correspondents did a great PSA at the end, where a nurse in voiceover told them each in turn to stop clapping, posting supportive messages on Facebook, and baking muffins for nurses and instead just get vaccinated.
o Trevor acknowledged that they went all out with the Pandemmys last year because they, understandably, assumed that there would be no second annual Pandemmy Awards – “Remember when we had hope? You guys remember that?”
o The best award category was for pundits comparing mask/vaccine mandates to various forms of oppression throughout history – “Being forced to wear masks is like apartheid! I mean, we all remember how Nelson Mandela said, ‘I refuse to wear a face diaper like some libtard cuck!’ Famous words, man. Because that’s what apartheid was: if you didn’t choose to be white, then you were oppressed, and this is the exact same thing!”
o Trevor pointed out that it’s weird of pundits to compare COVID policy to Jim Crow or Nazi Germany when we already have other pandemics/vaccine mandates in our past that they could be comparing it to – “It’s like if tomorrow, an enormous passenger ship crashed into an iceberg and some pundit was like, ‘I’ll tell you what. This is exactly like the Japanese internment camps!’”
o The category of people melting down on planes was good too – I was especially astounded by the guy who just stood in the aisle grring, then yelled out of nowhere, “Joe Biden!! Really?!”
· Interview – Gymnast Aly Raisman
o Raisman, fresh off of her and her teammates’ testimony before Congress, was there to talk about her new documentary on surviving sexual abuse – When asked what justice looks like for me, she said cited accountability and a “full and independent investigation” of all the organizations complicit in her abuse, but she also brought up the words of a participant in the documentary who said, that “to her, justice meant that it never happens.”
o Despite the painful work of speaking out her own abuse for the documentary, it was important to Raisman because she wanted it to elevate the voices of other survivors – “It’s such a privilege that my abuser is in jail, and even just the fact that I felt comfortable going to law enforcement. I know so many other survivors don’t have that, and I don’t want to live in a world like that.”
o I appreciated what she said about her difficulty in taking care of herself as opposed to her teammates – In reference to a hard day she was having, she said, “I thought, ‘If Simone was calling me right now, I would be nicer to her than I would be to myself.’ And so I think the biggest thing in my healing is recognizing I need to have self-compassion and be nice to myself. And coming from the sport of gymnastics where it’s all about trying to be perfect, that’s hard for me to do.”
Tuesday, September 21
· Headlines – COVID deaths surpass the 1918 flu pandemic, San Francisco mayor caught maskless at a concert, bathroom vandalism TikTok challenge
o The COVID-19 pandemic, “the only thing that’s gone on longer than someone explaining Bitcoin to you.”
o This was too real – “I don’t know what’s worse: that COVID has killed more Americans than any other pandemic, or that this won’t change anything. ‘Cause let’s be honest, the people who are scared of COVID were already scared back when, like, 10 people died. And everyone else is gonna be like, ‘Bah, I heard more people die from shark attacks.’”
o Trevor’s explanation of how San Francisco reduced its COVID cases – “What they do there is they fill all the empty syringes on the ground with Pfizer, and then they just wait for everybody to step on them. It’s very effective.”
o This made me laugh – “As for that mayor, she’s using some pretty interesting reasoning there. She’s like, ‘I know I said people have to wear masks indoors, but Tony! Toni! Toné! was playing for the first in 20 years and I wanted us to try and kill them (cough, cough, cough!)’’”
o Thank you – “Leaders can’t make rules that everyone has to follow and then give us attitude when they get caught breaking their own rules.”
o I loved this response to kids on TikTok vandalizing their school bathrooms – “It’s not just disrespectful. It’s also dumb! You’re gonna destroy toilets in your school? You realize those are your toilets, right? Like, I guess now you’re gonna be doing the Forced to Poop in My Backpack Challenge.”
· Main Story – UN General Assembly
o I laughed at Trevor’s response to BTS speaking at the UN General Assembly and later shooting a music video in the chamber – “Old people were probably watching this like, ‘What the hell is a BTS?”, and young people were probably watching it like, ‘What the hell is the UN?’”
o Another good BTS line – “But it makes sense for BTS to show up at the UN. Of all the countries there, they probably have the most powerful army.”
o Much of the story was spent on the new conflict between the U.S., France, and Australia, after the U.S. undercut France’s deal with Australia for nuclear submarines – I giggled at, “France was so mad that they even recalled Timothée Chalamet’s name. From now on, we have to call him Timmy Brown. It’s just not as sexy; it really isn’t. You might as well call me by your name. (That’s the movie – see what I did there?)”
o Valid point – “These are submarines, right? They’re supposed to be secret. No one knows what’s happening. Like, why are you even telling people about them in the first place? If I was Australia, I wouldn’t spend billions of dollars on submarines. I’d spend billions of dollars on the people to help what happened with COVID, and then I would just tell China that I bought the submarines. ‘Cause how are they gonna know? It’s all underwater! ‘Yeah, I’ve got a bunch of them. No, no, they’re there. Can’t see them? Yeah, that’s what they’re there for. Yeah, but we bought a ton. Check my Vennmo; you can see where I spent the money.’”
o Funny bit of “exclusive footage” of the UN General Assembly, with Trevor playing all the roles – I liked other countries trolling France by filming them in moody black-and-white and the U.S. responding to criticism about the Afghanistan war with, “Hey buddy, we didn’t lose a war, okay? We made a strategic decision not to win.”
o My favorite part? The U.K. telling China, “You can’t just take over territory that isn’t yours!”, and India responding, “Oh, so now you can’t do that?”
· Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Can I Make You Late to Work?
o Meh field piece. The gimmick is that this was supposed to be man-on-the-street interviews about current events, but Dulcé decided to just waylay people with any old nonsense to see if she could make them late to work. Kind of dumb.
· Interview – Rep. Pete Aguilar
o Rep. Aguilar is part of the committee leading the January 6th investigation. Given that many of his colleagues on opposite sides of the aisle disagree about what January 6th even was, Trevor very rightly asked, “How do you go about telling the story and finding the truth in a post-truth era?”
o Aguilar couldn’t seem to answer that question to my satisfaction, but he acknowledged the delicate task before the committee – “This is a unique situation because we are witnesses as well as participants, and now we’re going to have a hand in telling the story of what happened.”
o I also wasn’t too impressed with his response to Trevor’s questions on immigration and the recent inhumane treatment of Haitian migrants and asylum seekers at the hands of border patrol agents – Aguilar recognized the incredibly valid reasons that people from Haiti are seeking asylum, as well as the U.S. economy’s need for migrants, but basically just said that the Trump administration broke our immigration system and Biden is “working on it.” I don’t doubt that the former is true, but eight months into the new administration, it’s shameful that there seems to have been barely any progress on the part of the latter.
Wednesday, September 22
· Headlines – New Zealanders breaking COVID rules, Facebook tries to improve its image, man faces felony charge over Mountain Dew
o Loved this reaction to New Zealanders illegally smuggling in KFC takeout – “Wow! Breaching COVID rules and running from the cops for fried chicken? I’m sure happy this happened in a white-ass country like New Zealand. Because yo, if there were any Black people involved, this would’ve undone the entire Civil Rights movement.”
o Valid point – “First of all, I don’t know why Facebook is trying to promote itself to people who are already on Facebook. I mean, anybody who’s on Facebook isn’t worried about Facebook’s problems, you know? They have bigger concerns, like where you can find a gun store that also sells Ivermectin.”
o The guy charged with a felony over Mountain Dew was 43 cents short, but because of Pennsylvania’s three-strikes law, he’s facing up to seven years in prison – “Here’s the thing. We know these laws are the hardest on poor people, but you know who’s also getting screwed over on these? Taxpayers, people! Instead of our taxes going to roads, schools, free WiFi that actually works, instead we’re wasting it on prosecuting somebody for 43 cents!”
o I really liked Trevor taking the “three strikes” analogy further, arguing that some of these charges are actually “foul balls” that shouldn’t count against someone and comparing unnecessary police harassment to “balls” – your car gets searched four times and they never find any drugs, you get a “walk” and can commit a “first base”-level crime without consequences.
· Main Story – Less-known effects of climate change
o Because grapes are maturing earlier in the season, warming climates could increase the alcohol levels in wine – “The real housewives are already fighting each other at current wine levels. You raise it any higher, that show’s gonna have to move to UFC.”
o I related to Trevor so hard on this – “What’s even crazier for me is that this is gonna make coffee taste worse. That’s what they say. That blew my mind, because I already think coffee tastes like you burned dog hair and put the ashes in a cup of water.”
o Trevor thought news that hotter temperatures reduce sexual activity could be the thing that finally galvanizes people into action – “What do you mean my penis is overheating? All right, shut it down, everybody! Planes, cars, Bitcoin mining, everything! Until this bad boy gets back up, we’re going Amish, everyone!”
o Climate change is creating an imbalance between male and female sea turtles, and the story ended with a David Attenborough-style ode to the beleaguered ale sea turtle – “He is nothing more than a communal reptilian f**kstick wrapped in a shell.”
· Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Dousers search for water in California
o Interesting subject, desperate California farmers turning to dousers amid drought conditions, that the story didn’t do much with. Michael is probably the most hit-or-miss correspondent for me, and this story was “meh.”
· Interview – Activist Greta Thunberg
o Trevor hit the nail on the head here – “I feel like for a long time, polluters have done a really good job of convincing ordinary people on the ground that they are the ones who are responsible for what’s happening.”
o Thunberg noted that we’ve made very little progress toward combating climate change, but she’s found reason for hope that people’s minds are beginning to change – “In the light of the pandemic, we really see that we can actually treat the crisis like a crisis. And I think people understand more that the climate crisis hasn’t been treated as an emergency.”
o Great answer to governments who say that fighting climate change isn’t cost-effective – “It’s much more expensive to wait and deal with the consequences of the climate crisis later on than actually taking time and action now.”
Thursday, September 23
· Headlines – Design for windowless airplane cabin, vaccine booster shots, increase in belief in ghosts
o The first story was another musical bit. This time, Jason Isbell was brought in to play guitar licks punctuating Trevor’s punchlines, the gimmick being that Isbell dismissed Trevor’s punchlines in favor of his own. I smiled at Isbell stealing Trevor’s signature Spirit Airlines digs – “That’s why I fly Spirit Airlines. The whole plane’s the bathroom!”
o Trevor’s reaction to vaccine booster shots – “I guess COVID shots are like iPhones now. You think you’re all upgraded to the greatest and latest, and then a few months later they have a new vaccine with an extra camera!”
o For real – “Man, this country is living in two different worlds. One side is doing everything they can to avoid getting the vaccine, and the other side is going to their doctor like, ‘Can you give me AIDS? Do something! Come on, I wanna get that booster shot! Come on, doc!’”
o Great point about Americans debating getting a third vaccine shot when people in some countries still haven’t been able to get one – I liked Trevor’s plan to make Americans reflect on the global situation by having to get their vaccine booster in front of an African guy.
o Trevor didn’t buy that ghosts linger in our world to right unresolved wrongs – “The reason ghosts stick around is because they need to finish all the TV shows they were watching. That’s why I’m gonna do! Heaven can wait! When I’m dead, I’ll finally have time to see how Better Call Saul ends.”
· Main Story – Haitian migrants at the border
o Good description of the U.S. border – “It’s the velvet rope around Club America.”
o Trevor acknowledged that many migrants can’t keep up with shifting U.S. border policy, including Biden’s lofty words about how America “does not slam the door on those fleeing persecution, violence, and oppression” while simultaneously continuing Trump’s Title 42 deportation policy.
o Adding to th confusion? Fox News, which repeated declares that Biden’s America features “open borders.” What’s a migrant to think?
o I liked this bit of levity after the heavy look at border patrol agents whipping Haitian migrants – “Can we stop involving horses in all the shit we do as human beings? They don’t wanna be involved! They have nothing against immigrants, but now they’re in the newspapers too. They’ve just been cursed with very rideable bodies!”
o Trevor understood Democrats who feel the Biden administration isn’t following through on immigration – “They promised they would handle the border with more humanity. But now it looks like a dude ranch run by Tucker Carlson!”
· Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – Anti-masker parents
o Yikes, as usual. It’s hard to find it funny when, as Jordan reminds, the ICUs in North Carolina where he was talking to these parents are full.
o Quintessential exchange – “Has [your son] had COVID?” “No.” “But he has had acne?” “Yes.” “So if you had to choose…?”
o Jordan is so quick – When a parent rallying against “critical race theory” (an issue that apparently goes hand in hand with masking” asked him, “Where are [kids] gonna learn about racism, mostly?”, he responded, “Walking past one of the tobacco fields?”
o One woman, after explaining supposed eerie similarities between masking, social distancing, and Satanic rituals, proclaimed, “I have no fears” – Jordan replied, “No fears, but a healthy belief in Satanism and its effect on the COVID.”
· Interview – Musician Jason Isbell
o Upon hearing that Isbell’s 6-year-old daughter is “still in love with” him, Trevor said, “That’s all I look for in life: like, how much do little children like you?”
o Isbell was promoting his new cover album – he explained that it came about as a promise he made on Twitter, vowing to cover famous songs about Georgia if the state went blue in 2020.
o Isbell talked about being an early voice advocating for vaccine or testing requirements as concert venue reopen, and he also had this to say – “It shouldn’t come down to us. It shouldn’t come down to entertainers. It shouldn’t come down to venues or promoters. In my opinion, there should’ve been leadership from the top. We shouldn’t have had to step out and say, ‘I’m gonna do this.’”
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