"Better a fallen rocket than never a burst of light."
~ Tom Stoppard, The Invention of Love

Saturday, February 13, 2021

News Satire Roundup: February 8th-February 11th

Before we get started, I do want to quickly mention the impeachment trial and today's whole thing with the House impeachment managers caving and bringing things to a close after winning the vote to allow witnesses. When that happened, all that came into my head was the Good Place committee on The Good Place when they were coming in to "negotiate" with the Bad Place:  "Before we even find out what happened, we want you to know we're willing to give up all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway." My god.

 

Monday, February 8

·        Headlines – The Super Bowl, Capitol rioter given permission to vacation before trial, Utah school weighs allowing parents to opt their kids out of in Black History Month

o   On Tom Brady’s seventh Super Bowl win – “At this point, he’s gonna be the first NFL player for a Super Bowl toe ring.”

o   In the story about the Capitol rioter given permission to travel to Mexico while out on bail, Trevor argued that that’s the way it should be, and not just for those who can afford jail – “No one should have to sit in a jail cell because they might be a criminal.”

o   Great description of Black History Month – “A beautiful time in America when Americans celebrate all the Black people who died rather than help the Black people who are still alive.”

·        Main Story – Conservative news media stirs up Biden controversies

o   Some might question why Fox News got up in arms over Biden traveling home to Delaware over the weekend (despite recommendations to limit travel during the pandemic) when they didn’t mind Trump regularly going away to his golf resorts/Mar-a-Lago and hosting packed rallies – “It’s not the same! Donald Trump wasn’t being a hypocrite, because he wanted people to die of COVID!”

o   They also took Biden to task for “insulting” FBI agents by only saying that “the vast, vast majority” of them were honorable – “I mean, if you cared about FBI agents at all, you’d have thrown in a third ‘vast’!”

o   My favorite part of this story was the whole thing about Hunter Biden publishing a memoir, with suggestions that buying the book would be a requirement for proving “loyalty” to Biden – “Welcome to Joe Biden’s America, where, if you want a COVID vaccine, you have to pass a pop quiz on Hunter Biden’s book.”

o   Trevor took the conspiracy fearmongering to a whole new level – “And what if you’re not getting the vaccine? Biden will still know if you bought the book, you know why? Because our bookshelves are in the background of all our Zoom meetings! Did Joe Biden engineer the coronavirus just to make sure we all bought his son’s book?”

o   Another Biden “scandal”? Taking the oath of office at 11:50 a.m., even though the law says it’s supposed to be noon – “That’s right: Joe Biden stole ten minutes of Donald Trump’s presidency, or as Fox News calls it, Tenghazi.”

·        Montage – Farewell to Lou Dobbs

o   This was a series of Dobbs’s fawning praise of Trump on his program – I busted up at, “He’s already set a standard for presidents that most mortals won’t be able to meet.”

·        Interview – Dr. Atul Gawande

o   Gawande’s description of life inside the nation’s hardest-hit COVID hotspot, in rural North Dakota, made my skin crawl – “It’s like steam. You could go to the grocery store and just know that there are infected people walking around the store.”

o   Even though it was incredibly aggravating to him to see people living in those conditions and still resisting mask mandates, he acknowledged, whether folks were calling for full lockdowns or insisting on not restrictions at all, “what you have is a tremendous amount of pain” informing either end of the spectrum.

·        Interview – NFL player Leonard Fournette

o   Trevor of course opened by congratulating Fournette, fresh off his Super Bowl win – “I’ve been part of winning teams in high school where I did absolutely nothing and I got to just stand up and celebrate with the team. But you were actually part of the team winning!”

o   Fournette talked about how meaningful the victory was for him personally, for his hopes of inspiring young people, and for his family who’s supported him through ups and downs in his NFL career – on the latter point, I liked that they showed brief clips of different members of his family as he talked about them.

Tuesday, February 9

·        Headlines – Trump’s impeachment trial, woman uses Gorilla Glue spray in place of hairspray

o   Great description of Trump – “Unemployed Twitter bot and former president of the United States.”

o   I loved this line, in response to the footage from the Capitol riot that was shown at the trial – “You can tell this impeachment is the sequel because the sequel always has to turn things up to 11. The original impeachment was like, ‘Listen to this diplomat describe a phone call and ponder the meaning of quid pro quo.’ But this impeachment is like, ‘Michael Bay presents… bom-bom-bom, Impeachment 2! We’re storming the Capitol!’”

o   I laughed so hard at this – “Good lord! Trump’s lawyer is giving the speech you give when you have to stall because the actual lawyer is stuck in traffic.”

o   Trevor and DulcĂ© decided that the young woman who used Gorilla Glue in her hair shouldn’t be made fun of – “You know someone is in trouble when even the online commenters are like, ‘No, we need to help this person.’ That’s how serious this got!”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Farmer protests in India

o   India, “the country that Christopher Columbus’s dumb ass couldn’t find.”

o   Despite regular exploitation and devaluing of farmers around the world, “We need farmers. After all, we all saw what happened when we tried to grow our own vegetables on our kitchen windowsills. After nine months, what did we grow? Nothing, other than resentment and hatred for our roommates.”

o   Good line – “I think it was especially smart of those farmers to build a mall inside their camp. Because think about it: now, if the government sends in police officers, those cops automatically become mall cops and lose all authority. Check. Mate.”

·        Interview – TV host Robin Roberts

o   At the top of the interview, Roberts and Trevor had to discuss the Super Bowl and Tom Brady. She didn’t dispute that he was the greatest football player of all time but was less sure about the greatest athlete, citing Serena Williams – “23 grand slam titles, one when she was pregnant. Try that, Tom Brady. If you win a Super Bowl while pregnant, maybe we’ll talk.”

o   The interview was about Roberts’s new special on the Tuskegee Airmen, particularly looking at her own father’s story as a pilot in those days. I loved the detail she shared about Eleanor Roosevelt going to Tuskegee and taking a flight with one of them in their plane.

o   This was a good insight from Trevor – “I’ve often seen the story of the Tuskegee Airmen as myth, as African American myth, and it’s beautiful. It’s like these legends and these heroes! But this story takes us through a different journey about how they were fighting just to get the military to accept Black service members, just to get the American public to accept Black service members. It was a challenge that we really take for granted when we’re just seeing the accolades that they’ve achieved now.”

o   Roberts highlight the Airmen’s strength and resolve, saying, “They were challenged that they didn’t have the ‘intellect’ to fly. But they showed excellence, that Black excellence can beat adversity of all types.”

·        Interview – Actor Noah Centineo

o   I smiled at Trevor and Centineo comparing their respective quarantine hair-growth – “Is this like a Noah thing? Are us Noahs growing our hair now?” Trevor asked, and they both pulled on a strand to show the full length.

o   Asked if he’s sad to be leaving his To All the Boys character behind as the trilogy comes to an end, Centineo said, “Sad? No, I don’t feel sadness about it. I feel like it’s resolved.”

Wednesday, February 10

·        Headlines – Hacker attempts to poison water supply, New Zealand parliamentary leader ejected over dress code, controversy over Dallas Mavericks national anthem decision

o   Trevor’s biggest issue with the hacker story was the lax work ethic – “You wanna poison the water supply, you roll your ass out of bed and pee in the town reservoir like we did in the old days! Lazy-ass hacking bitch.”

o   Excellent point – “Forget the hacker, should the computer even have the option to poison the entire county? You should at least have to click on all the pictures with streetlights first.”

o   Trevor argued that the Maori parliamentary leader, with his traditional tattooes, didn’t need a necktie to make him more “interesting” – “You don’t wanna distract from that by making him wear a lame-ass tie! That’s like making the Rock wear mom jeans.”

o   I loved this bit – “When you think about it, what does the national anthem even have to do with a baseball game? George Washington didn’t beat the Redcoats in a game of three-on-three. Although, he would’ve! He was 6’2” in the 1700s! Back then, he was basically Shaq in a powdered wig.”

·        Main Story – Impeachment trial

o   This made me laugh – “It was going so bad for the Republicans, I thought Ted Cruz was gonna start another insurrection just to change the subject.”

o   Good analogy, on how even Lindsey Graham was criticizing Trump’s lawyers for their performance – “That’s like drawing something so bad that your kindergarten teacher roasts you for it!”

·        CP Time (Roy) – The history of Black spies

o   I laughed at Roy called Black spies “incognegroes.”

o   Good line – “That’s right, Harriet Tubman was a spy! She had a great strategy for being ignored by the Confederates. It was called ‘being Black.’”

·        Interview – Filmmaker/actor Radha Blank

o   Blank talked about her film The 40-Year-Old Version and to what extent her character is and isn’t based on her – “Unlike her, I have not choked a theatre producer, but I have felt the urge to choke many of the gatekeepers.”

o   This was a lowely message – “I really do hope that the messaging of the film, especially for Black women, is that you don’t age out of your passion, and if you have a notion to tell your story, do it.”

Thursday, February 11

·        Headlines – Massachusetts introduces vaccine “buddy” system, France allows employees to take meals at their desks for social distancing, stranded Cubans rescued from remote island

o   I enjoyed this observation about the Massachusetts vaccine rule, which allows an eldery person’s escort to be vaccinated along with them – “This is just like the opposite of the club: the shots are free, and if you’ve got your grandma with you, you can get in right away!”

o   Of course, Trevor thought we should all already be wanting to hang out with seniors – “They’re full of wisdom, they usually have free candy in their pockets, and they have lots of practical advice about defeating Nazis, which is super useful these days!”

o   Interesting that, prior to the new COVID-mitigation law, it was illegal for French employees to eat at their desks, to keep workers from feeling pressured to work through lunch. So different from life in the U.S.!

o   Re: the story about the rescue of the stranded Cubans, Trevor decided that hanging out on a deserted island isn’t as fun as it seems on TV – “I don’t remember ever seeing Mary Ann walking around covered in rat blood!”

·        Main Story – Impeachment trial

o   Good point that, given how the Capitol rioters were calling to hang Mike Pence, Mitt Romney had extra reason to fear them – “To them, Mitt Romney is basically Mormon AOC!”

o   Loved this line – “These videos make it pretty clear that Trump incited the riots. These people were all wearing Trump hats, carrying Trump flags, and they all just watched Trump speak and they were chanting ‘Fight for Trump.’ Even that dog from Blue’s Clues was like, ‘I need a challenge here, guys. I mean, we all know what this is, right?’”

o   Great response to news that some GOP senators were doodling, reading, or otherwise ignoring the House impeachment managers’ case – “These senators are a jury for the president, and instead, they’re acting like bored middle schoolers.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – Reactions to the impeachment trial

o   With the new barriers and National Guard, it was hard for Jordan to find people to interview near the Capitol but he managed. I liked this observation from a woman on the impeachment – “I’m not excited about it, because the fact that it had to happen is because something horrible happened in the first place.”

o   Jordan spent a lot of the piece talking about how “cinematic” the new impeachment trial is, with all the video footage, but he had to admit it was effective – “Showing hours and hours of footage of blatant criminality seems like a sound legal tactic.”

·        Interview – Actor Daniel Kaluuya

o   Kaluuya was there to talk about Judas and the Black Messiah. I really liked what he said about how he had to examine himself while playing Black Panther leader Fred Hampton – “I look at my preconceptions, look at my fears and hangups that I had and kind of grow in order to kind of occupy his words.”

o   Loved this remark – “It’s kind of like you’re a vessel in that situation. In certain scenes, you’re saying his actual words, and you can’t help but let the words tell you how to play them, let the words tell you how to be.”

o   Kaluuya had an excellent response to people who believe the Black Panthers were terrorists because they were armed – “It’s not just that they protect themselves. They love themselves, and protection was just a manifestation of a form of love.”

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