News Satire Roundup: March 31st-April 4th

Sunday, March 31 – After a quick bit on David Bernhardt and the swamp creatures protesting his confirmation hearing for Secretary of the Interior (love it!), it was onto William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report.  The main thrust of the piece was that we haven’t seen it, so the pundits “rounding up” to “no collusion, no obstruction” are taking the cart way before the horse.  Next was an amusing And Now This montage of a baseball commentator talking about everything except baseball.  The main story on the WWE was good, looking at how poorly its wrestlers are treated – calling them “independent contractors” to avoid having to provide insurance was super shady, and one wrestler’s story about having to perform through a concussion was really awful.  After the past week, I couldn’t help but wish for a main story that was a little more political, but like John said, there’s really nothing to dissect at this point.

Monday, April 1 – I liked the joke about an El Chapo clothing line being like Tommy Hillfiger crack, along with the point that George Clooney’s call to protest several ultra-luxury hotels was an immensely-doable “ask.”  Insane that people take cute selfies at Auschwitz – good bit on how people get stupid when a camera’s in front of them.  Excellent story on Joe Biden invading women’s personal space in uncomfortable ways.  Trevor was on fire, getting into the creepiness of a number of incidents.  I especially liked the clip of Biden with a female biker on his lap at a campaign stop, with Trevor pointing out the unsettled faces of the male bikers on either side of them.  I don’t know what to think of Trump’s threats to “close” the southern border – as funny as the “cutting aid from ‘three Mexican countries’” thing is, it’s just gross.  The guest, New York Rep. Hakeem Jeffries, talked about holding it down in Brooklyn and Democratic 2020 strategies.

Tuesday, April 2 – We opened on Jeff Bezos (with Trevor deciding he might as well just send his dick pics to Saudi Arabia if they can hack Amazon’s CEO,) recent Supreme Court decisions on the death penalty (denying a condemned prisoner an imam still makes me mad,) New York’s new congestion tax, and “Old Town Road” being taken off the country charts (I loved Trevor speculating what could possibly be explain Lil Nas X and Taylor Swift’s different treatment.)  The story on the White House leak about overridden security clearances was good, especially Trevor’s disgust at the middle-school-bullying-level retaliation taken against the whistleblower.  Amusing bit on Miami Beach being overrun by spring breakers – the jokes about the police DJs made me smile.  Black-ish’s Marsai Martin was the guest, promoting Little and talking about life as a young mogul; her reaction to finding out she was The Daily Show’s youngest guest was cute.

Wednesday, April 3 – Nice point on Joe Biden’s “apology” video bringing up handshakes and hugs but not kissing the tops of women’s heads or rubbing noses.  Other opening blurbs on a possible Mar-a-Lago spy (“maybe she has four phones because she’s an Instagram influencer!”), Lori Lightfoot becoming Chicago’s first Black female mayor (I liked the jokes on her and her opponent’s Harry Potter-esque names,) rich Nigerian paying people to fly to England (past Italy, Trevor notes) to buy them pizza, and airlines introducing “standing seats.”  Insane story on recent Trump remarks, covering his immensely-pointless lie that his father was born in Germany – loved the crack about Trump needing to get his in daily 10,000 lies on his “Fibbit” – and his bizarre claim that noise from wind turbines “causes cancer.”  Guest PJ Morton, “the only maroon in Maroon 5,” discussed his musical influences before performing a song from his new album.

Thursday, April 4 – A long Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That kicked off with “news” that the Mueller report is worse for Trump than William Barr’s summary lets on (no shit, Sherlock) and Trump’s continued refusal to turn over his tax returns.  It also checked in on the college admission scandal and covered a teacher getting fired after someone else leaked her topless selfie (loved the comparison that nobody blames the Louvre if the Louvre gets robbed,) Rep. Tim Ryan running for president, and the blatant errors on the Spanish versions of presidential candidates’ websites (great bit on how Spanish speakers’ election experience is entirely different.)  The rest of the show was dedicated to guest Bernie Sanders.  I liked what he said about doing a town hall debate on Fox News, as well as a lot of his message.  However, I think he whiffed some remarks, dismissing considerations of identity (gender, race) as just being about “personalities” and not answering how he’d unite Congress as president when he’s often at odds with his own party.