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Sunday, May 12
· Recap of the Week – Eurovision, U.K. deportation plan
o Great line – “Kristi Noem cut short her book tour, allowing her more time at home, which should be a concern to any of her remaining pets.”
o John’s favorite contest on Eurovision was Finland’s “Windows 95 Guy,” who put on quite the spectacle – “I don’t know what the other contestants were like, but I highly doubt they had jean shorts descending from the ceiling, followed by this.” We watched a clip of the (pantless) Windows 95 Guy donning the shorts, then dancing around as sparklers shot out of them.
o Rishi Sunak claimed that his plan to deport migrants to Rwanda will save the U.K. huge amounts of money – “Far be it for me to question the keen financial acumen of a man who earned his gigantic fortune through marriage.”
o In truth, though, the cost of sending one migrant to Rwanda would cover a year of schooling for 233 children.
o Excellent point – “Okay, a few things there: you’re not sending people ‘back to Rwanda’ if that’s not where they’re from in the first place.”
o As usual, these cruel policies rarely have the desired effect of “deterring” migrants – “Asylum seekers tend to flee their country out of necessity. I don’t think they’re coming to the U.K. for its beautiful weather or tantalizing cuisine.”
· And Now This – The Men of Local News are Ready for Mother’s Day
o One anchor confidently stated that he’d tell his wife, “I’m okay with you getting the top gift on your list right now” – When his co-anchor asked, “Which is what?”, he replied, “I don’t even know.”
o Another anchor pushed the idea of giving his wife a homemade card – “I’m not even kidding you, I bet that would be meaningful.”
· Main Story – Opioid settlements
o John side eyed the Sacklers’ claims that agreeing to pay billions of dollars in settlements doesn’t mean they bear any guilt in the opioid crisis – “Oh, it wasn’t an admission of guilt, was it? That makes sense. $26 billion is exactly how much you pay when you’re not guilty of anything. Who among us hasn’t surrendered the entire GDP of Iceland just ‘cause?”
o Various structures and deals had been put in place that will prevent further opioid settlements against Big Pharma – “So when it comes to restitution, this is basically all the blood money we’re getting, making it feel especially important that we spend it well.”
o We looked at an example of how not to do it – When tobacco companies were forced to pay a large settlement, there was little regulation in how states could spend the money. Far from using it for smoking prevention or cancer treatment, North Carolina used part of their share to fund a massive tobacco processing factory.
o Loved this – “First, shoutout to the states promising to report how they spend ‘some’ of the money. I’m not sure that’s much better than not reporting it at all. ‘Oh, don’t worry, we’ll report on every dollar that doesn’t go into our mysterious money hole.”
o Plenty of politicians are out here looking for loopholes to allow them to funnel their settlement money back into their state’s budget for general use – “It turns out it’s a lot less entertaining to watch someone trying to launder millions in drug money when it’s not Brian Cranston who’s doing it!”
o We met an activist who’s had no luck securing state funding for her outreach program, which gives out Narcan and clean needles – “That seems like a pretty good use of settlement money. Honestly, all other options tend to pale in comparison to, ‘If people don’t get the stuff I’m handing out right now, they’ll fucking die!’”
o Despite no evidence of reducing opioid abuse through increased policing, “in some place, sending opioid money to police is actually mandatory. Louisiana decided to allocate 20% of its funds directly to sheriffs, with no obligation to report how they spend any of it.”
o Some of that money for police has gone to fancy, frivolous gadgets, like a special flashlight that’s supposed to identify the presence of fentanyl on sight – “For the ten thousandth time, it is all but impossible for a cop to just encounter fentanyl in the field and overdose. To quote one expert, ‘There has never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been a confirmed case’ of that happening. That is two more ‘never evers’ than Taylor Swift uses for getting back together, so you know they’re not fucking around!”
· And Now This – People on TV Share Heartwarming Memories of Their Mothers
o I laughed at the guy whose mother would smoke in the car and fire off commands like, “Don’t be cheap!”
o Another news anchor reminisced about her mother demanding five minutes of peace and quiet – “Like, she would go and hide in the bathroom!”
Monday, May 13
· Headlines – Robert Menendez trial
o When Jon brought up Robert Menendez’s corruption trial, the audience started booing – “My God, Menendez turned heel!”
o Jon attempted to argue that those gold bars might have nothing to do with Menendez, at which point we of course heard about Menendez googing, “How much is one kilo of gold worth?” – “Damn you, metric system! I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your base ten system of measurements and weights!”
o His lawyers tried to argue that the colossal amount of cash/gold hidden in Menendez’s house were due to family history and trauma – “These are simply my emotional support gold bars.”
o I liked Jon’s reaction to the news that Menendez may try to pin the blame on his wife – “Yes, it’s those three magic words every woman is dying to hear: ‘It was her! She did it!’”
o Jon pointed out that Menendez’s problem was that he was simply doing too much – “You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so f**king lucrative!”
o The rest of the piece was devoted to examples of just that, like folks in Congress trading individual stocks in ways that seem suspiciously based on insider government knowledge – When one congressperson sold their Boeing shares after reading a damning report in a committee, Jon pointed out, “You see, the rest of us only find out about Boeing’s problems as we’re being suck out of the fuselage mid-flight.”
o Nancy Pelosi argued that members of Congress have every right to trade individual stocks, because the U.S. has a free market – “Here’s the thing. In a free market, everyone has access to the same information. So unless you’re gonna put all of us on the committees, I don’t get it.”
o After watching clips of a bunch of politicians evading questions about unethical/corrupt actions, we saw Hunter Biden admit in an interview that he probably wouldn’t have gotten on the board of Burisma were it not for his last name – “Out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricated and wouldn’t answer any f**king questions, you know you’re in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the ex-crackhead.”
· Interview – Actress/writer Ilana Glazer
o Glazer was promoting her new film Babes.
o She made Jon a little twitchy when she talked about navigating “top titties” in scenes where she hugged her friend and co-star Michelle Buteau – After laughing at his reaction, she pointed out, “To be honest, like, this is how women talk.”
o This was an interesting comment from Glazer – “As we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldn’t believe that these things haven’t been covered in film.”
Tuesday, May 14
· Headlines – Trump surrogates speak outside trial, NYC and Dublin Portal, OpenAI’s Omni system
o We had Desi for the rest of the week!
o I loved Desi’s description of the GOP politicians speaking outside Trump’s hush money trial – “It’s like the Met Gala for people who don’t believe in women’s rights.”
o The livestreaming “portal” between New York City and Dublin immediately devolved into insults and mooning – After mourning the loss of a chance to build real connections between the two cities, Desi said, “Also, you think you’re winning, Dublin? New York has barely begun to fight! This is a city built on treating the Irish like shit!”
o Desi saw right through OpenAI’s flirty new chatbot Omni – “You can really tell that a man built this tech. She’s like, ‘I have all the information in the world, but I don’t know anything! Teach me, Daddy!’”
o In an amusing bit, Desi tried to stop Josh from falling for Omni’s tricks, saying, “Josh, this is AI, okay? It has the entire internet already. It knows everything about superhero movies” – In response, Omni added, “But for just $19.99 a month, Omni Premium will let Josh explain to me who’s the best Batman!”
o When Ronny started vying for Omni’s affections too, she said, “Boys, don’t fight! How ‘bout this: whoever has the best social security number can go first?”
· Daily Show-ography – Eric Adams
o I chuckled at the subtitle for Adams: Philosopher King of New York – As it turned out, Adams has compared himself to Gandhi.
o When the show talked about Adams’ Stop the Sag campaign to get teen boys to pull up their pants, they cut to a clip of Steve Urkel.
o During his tenure in one political position, Adams was known for sleeping in his office, “a commitment to both his job and avoiding New York rents.”
o It was noticed that these days, Adams is committed chiefly to going to the club – As he put it himself, “When the mayor has swagger, the city has swagger.”
· Interview – Author/filmmaker Miranda July
o I loved what Desi had to say about her experience reading July’s new book All Fours – “Then I got to that point in the book where I only had, like, 20 pages left, and I started to panic that it was almost over. So I saved the rest for Mother’s Day, and I locked myself in the bathroom for some alone time so I could enjoy the rest of your book.”
o July summed up the book like this – “The book is really for every woman who’s aging and has secret desires, and anxieties about those desires, and is wondering what’s going on with her body and her marriage, and just her whole self.”
o This was a great observation from Desi – “You really made this a coming-of-age story, and it made me wonder, like, why do all coming-of-age stories have to be about teenagers? Why can’t a coming-of-age story be about a woman in the middle of her life?”
o July responded by talking about all the books, movies, and love songs that center around teenagers, with the unspoken acknowledgement that the hormonal changes of puberty make these experiences electrifying and magical – She continued, “There’s also a hormonal change that happens at this time of life, but no story. What is the love story about now?”
Wednesday, May 15
· Headlines – King Charles’ portrait, Biden challenges Trump to debates
o I laughed at Desi’s reaction to King Charles’ intensely red, bloody-looking portrait – “Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons!”
o Ha! – “I gotta admit, there was part of me that thought Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump. Because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking, and thinking, and standing, but woo! The way that he powered through that 14-second video makes me think that he’s got this!”
o Trump’s Truth Social response to Biden’s debate challenge included the line, “Let’s get ready to rumble” – Desi threw in some dramatically-intoned pop culture lines as well, including, “I see dead people,” and “On Wednesdays, we wear pink.”
o Michael was interested in the debates less for policy questions and more for Biden and Trump demonstrating whether they’re physically/mentally fit to be president – “For example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy while following this finger with their eyes.”
· Correspondent Piece (Ronny & Jordan) – Sports War
o The gimmick of this piece was that Ronny and Jordan compulsively disagreed about everything, and every bit eventually devolved into insulting each other.
o Ronny wasn’t impressed with Caitlin Clark’s WNBA debut – “She’s tall, she’s white, and she didn’t show up when it mattered. She’s the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.”
o There’s concerns that the Seine won’t be in good shape for swimming events at the Paris Olympics due to high levels of e. coli. As they argued about it, Ronny told Jordan, “Well, I puke just looking at your oblong face,” pronouncing it like “oh-blong” – Jordan just responded, “‘Oh-blong?’ Is that right? Is that how you say it?”
o When it came to NFL player Harrison Butker’s toxic commencement speech, Ronny said, “I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? They’re the football players with the least amount of brain damage.”
· Interview – Actress Amy Ryan
o Doubt, Sugar
o It was wild to learn that Ryan stepped into her now Tony-nominated role in Doubt with only a week’s notice – Wow!
o In talking about her Apple TV show Sugar, Ryan admitted she doesn’t normally go for film noir – “This show spins it a bit. I mean, I know my character’s kind of the classic femme fatale, but we pulled away from, you know, the woman in distress and became just a strong friendship. Which you don’t see between a male character and a female character—you assume they’re going to, you know, end up rolling in bed in the first episode.”
o Desi told Ryan, “You deserve an Emmy for the restraint it took to not jump on Colin Farrell’s bones. I don’t think if I could do the same” – She answered, “I’m a pro.”
Thursday, May 16
· Headlines – Michael Cohen cross-examination in Trump hush money trial, Bob Menendez corruption trial, two Virginia schools restore Confederate names
o I liked this line – “His testimony directly ties Trump to the falsification of business records, which, remember, is the actual crime here. The ‘porn star hush money’ part is just a little thing we keep saying ‘cause it’s fun!”
o Part of the cross-examination involved Trump’s lawyers asking Cohen to confirm different insulting things he’s said about Trump – “Damn, Trump is just sitting there while his own lawyer roasts him! ‘And did you also call the president Mr. Bitch-Tits? Yes? How about Resting Ball-Sack Face? That’s a good one! Commander-in-Cheesedick. You never said that one, but you could, is that true?’”
o Loved it! – “So Bob Menendez’s argument is that his wife was secretly orchestrating a corrupt international bribery scheme and hoarding gold bars in his own house, and he never knew it. And that, gentlemen, is why you need to ask your wife about her day, okay?”
o Desi was confused by Menendez’s lawyers pointing to his wife’s Lebanese heritage as proof that she was the one responsible for the gold bars – “[This] is a stereotype I did not even know existed. Like, doesn’t every culture like gold? No one’s ever like, ‘Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your gold bars. My parents are Canadian.’”
o She had no patience for Virginia schools reinstating the Confederate names they’d dropped during the Black Lives Matter protests of 2020 – “If you wanna honor white people, why can’t you at least pick white people that everybody likes? What about Paul Rudd High or Dolly Parton Elementary? Hey, we’ll even be happy with white people who are just ‘meh.’ Like, how is graduating from Justin Long High? Eh, it was fine. It wasn’t great, but it was fine.”
o Josh, however, thought changing the names back would be all right – “Have you seen the guys who are arguing for the name change? Look at ‘em! They look like they just lost the Civil War, like this morning!”
o Another great line from Josh – “Plus, if you’re a middle-aged man trying to un-rename your old high school, you don’t have much.”
o Desi argued, “But they have to accept that the culture has changed – Josh responded, “Yeah sure, but the culture has changed, whether they accept it or not. I mean, these people are living in a time where all the best musicians are Black, all the best athletes are Black, the only living president with a functioning brain is Black! What Black people do is literally called ‘the culture,’ all right? The only place these guys feel like they’re winning is the first half of a civil rights movement.”
o He thought schools named after Confederate generals was “just racist enough” to distract racists and keep them from meddling in more substantial matters – “For example, while they were fighting over a Black Little Mermaid, I was able to slip into a bank and get a mortgage.”
· Fake Ad – Joe Biden’s Build Bods Better
o I loved Desi’s surprise at how quickly Trump agreed to Biden’s debate terms – “He jumped at the offer like it was a plea deal with no jail time.”
o However, both Republicans and Democrats have expressed doubt that this is a good move, with Nancy Pelosi saying she certainly wouldn’t recommend debating Trump – Desi said, “Listen up, Mr. President, when you get advice from Nancy Pelosi, you take it. That’s what I always tell my stockbroker.”
o As Democrats ponder how Biden might perform at a debate, that led into the fake ad for Michael’s new exercise video – “The science is simple: when exposed to the stress of watching Joe Biden trying to get through a sentence, the body naturally tightens muscles in its core, legs, back, and brain. Which burns calories, tones your body, and leaves you feeling totally and utterly exhausted!”
· Interview – Author/farmer Helen Rebanks & actor/farmhand Nick Offerman
o Desi brought up Offerman’s acting, woodworking, and now farmwork, saying, “I think it’s safe to say that you are officially a renaissance man” – He replied, “I’ll take ‘competent.’”
o Rebanks, who describes a day in the life of working on her family farm in her book Farmer’s Wife, had this to say – “I love it. I love it from morning ‘til night. It’s a completely, sort of immersive thing to be on a farm. You respond to the weather, the livestock, the kids, whatever needs doing. And I wrote the book to celebrate the people that do that daily, kind of mundane work, really. But to me, it’s really important.”
o Offerman talked about the pleasure he takes in working as a farmhand on Rebanks’ farm – “It’s like really a really good book, where suddenly the way they live is like a work of art. And you can curate it, and it never has to involve shopping for anything online or going to the mall. But instead, it’s just, ‘How good are your Yorkshire puddings?’ Suddenly, it’s like, why aren’t we all living like this?”
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