Saturday, April 20, 2024

News Satire Roundup: April 14th-April 18th

Sunday, April 14

·        Recap of the Week – South Korean parliamentary election, Arizona abortion ban

o   John was delighted by South Korea’s election-coverage graphics, which included such gems as pasting the candidates’ heads onto clips from James Bond movies and depicting them riding jetpacks – “That is magnificent! What do we get here instead? Steve Kornacki with his sleeves rolled up touching a screen? We’re doing this wrong! We’re doing all of this wrong!!!”

o   One news anchor, in explaining to his colleague how messed up it is for Arizona to re-adopt its 1864 abortion ban, missed an obvious point – John said, “I love the cluelessness of looking at a Black man and saying that the 1860s were bad because ‘women didn’t have the right to vote.’ I mean, it’s true, but also maybe not the worst thing people didn’t have the right to do back then.”

o   Loved the description of Kari Lake as “current Senate candidate and possessor of Big Local Real Estate Agent Energy.”

o   Many of the GOP legislators who are now doing a 180 and condemning the ban didn’t just support it in the past. Ahead of the Dobbs decision, they actively passed a law reaffirming that the 1864 ban was valid and would go into effect upon Roe being overturned.

o   One lawmaker shrugged off that contradiction, saying he voted for the reaffirmation based on “the information [he had] at the time” – John argued, “Yeah, but you have all the information at the time. The law was literally passed in anticipation of the overturn of Roe, so that is bullshit.”

o   Good line – “That is the thing. Republicans own this. They got what they wanted, overturned Roe v. Wade, and now they have to deal with the consequences of that, which hopefully will be rightfully furious constituents turning them out of office.”

·        And Now This – People on TV are Kind of Being Dicks to Cicadas

o   In talking about the cicada double-brood reemergence, news anchors said things like, “They are disgusting to look at!”, and, “Those things just creep me out.“

o   One anchor referred to them as “six-legged winged horror.”

·        Main Story – Medicaid

o   Our springboard for this story was the “Medicaid unwinding,” where a huge number of people have been disenrolled from Medicaid following the end of the public health emergency, when renewals were waived at the start of the pandemic.

o   As John pointed out, 69% of people who lost their coverage were denied for procedural reasons, such as missing paperwork, not because they actually didn’t qualify any longer.

o   We watched a PSA from a disabled activist who highlighted just how vital Medicaid is to both her survival and her independence – She said, “Medicaid touches everything in my life and makes everything possible.”

o   Tennessee, 47-page renewal packet

o   “I’m not trying to rain shit down on honest government employees who have to process an endless barrage of paperwork. I have total sympathy for how demanding those jobs are.”

o   “Putting aside that calling access to basic healthcare ‘charity’ is immediately infuriating.”

o   “So much of the talk around Medicaid seems to center on the fear that someone somewhere might be ‘gaming the system.’”

o   “Even if the state recovered every dollar from charges brought against beneficiaries in 2022, the total would amount to less than $900,000, compared to the office’s budget of $6.4 million a year. And look, I’m not an accountant, despite having Resting Budget Analyst Face. But even I know that makes no financial sense!”

o   “The reality of Medicaid is that too often it’s hard to get, easy to lose, and not a priority for the government or the companies we hire to deliver care.”

o   “there’s an 80% chance of your call disconnecting by accident.”

 

 

Monday, April 15

·        Headlines – Iran retaliates after Israel’s embassy bombing, Trump’s remarks on Gettysburg, Trumps’ hush money criminal trial begins

o   Jon contrasted the hyperbolic news coverage of Iran’s missile strikes with the real situation – In the montage of news reports, I was amused by the guy who said in a completely calm and mild tone, “We do effectively have WWIII in progress.”

o   However, 99% of Iran’s missiles were successfully shot down – “It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.”

o   Jon got frustrated when the tidy “U.S. and Israel vs. Arab Nations” narrative didn’t pan out, given that Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and U.A.E. also helped shoot down some of the missiles – “I don’t know what the teams are! We have to sort this out with jerseys or something.”

o   Jon made an appeal directly to the SWANA region – “When we in the West drew your nations’ borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, we expected a little better.”

o   He had a quick spiral about America’s various contradictory actions in the region over the years, ending with, “In Gaza, we’re actually bombing them and feeding them! How do you think that makes them feel?”

o   After hearing Trump’s word salad about the Battle of Gettysburg, Jon said, “That is plagiarized, almost directly, from my 7th grade book report ‘Gettysburg. Wow.’”

o   There are reports that Trump seemed to be asleep for part of his court proceedings today – “Imagine committing so many crimes, you get bored at your own trial. ‘Move onto the good stuff!’”

o   As Trump made himself out to be a martyr, comparing him to both Jesus and Nelson Mandela, Desi and Ronny debated over which he has the most in common with – Desi insisted, “Jesus Christ, he’s obviously Jesus Christ. It’s right there in the New Testament, or its sequel, The Art of the Deal.”

o   Josh broke up the debate with his own comparison, O.J. Simpson – I laughed out loud at, “Plus, Donald J. Trump? Is the ‘J’ for ‘Juice’? Probably.”

·        Interview – Journalist/author David Sanger

o   Sanger’s book New Cold Wars looks ahead to what U.S. relations with Russia and China may be in the decades to come.

o   Jon criticized the U.S. tendency to frame its wars as “democracy vs. authoritarianism,” when our motives are more often related to trade or oil – “We’ve invaded more countries than China and Russia combined! So would it help us to not have to scold everybody for failing to live up to principles that we very clearly do not uphold?”

o   He also described our involvement in other countries, along with Russia and China’s, as “colonialism and imperialism in a more modern form.”

o   Good line from Jon – “The only people that never lose a war are the military industrial complex, are the people that sell the weapons.”

o   Sanger argued that the U.S. removing itself from the equation wasn’t the answer, since its place would be taken by another superpower – “We’re gotta make a really hard and bad choice, which is: do we wanna be the one trying to fill that void with our technology and our principles, understanding that we violate them all the time, or do we want to let an authoritarian regime go fill that space, which we know how that’s gonna work.”

 

 

Tuesday, April 16

·        Headlines – Trump’s hush money trial

o   Dulcé’s hosting! She’s in L.A. now and hasn’t been around as a correspondent for a while, so I didn’t realize we’d get to see her again in the hosting rotation. I love Dulcé, and I’m really happy to see her behind the desk.

o   It was incredibly valid for Dulcé to begin with, “Before we get into Trump’s trial, let’s be clear about which trial this is” – After listing all his many civil and criminal cases, she exclaimed, “This dude treats criminal charges like Pokémon. He’s trying to catch them all!”

o   This made me laugh out loud – “Wait, people who think about their dogs too much get dismissed? A jury with no white people? How is that fair to Trump?”

o   It killed me that anti-Trump memes were being shared in court, as grounds for dismissal of potential jurors – My favorite was the one of Trump and Obama that said, “I don’t think this is what they meant by Orange is the New Black.”

o   Jordan was on the ground outside the courthouse – Because Trump had previously tweeted, “72 hours until all hell breaks loose!”, Jordan asked one Trump supporter, “Is today the January 6th of April 15th?”

o   One woman praised the QAnon Shaman, saying, “That guy is so articulate and so smart” – Jordan clarified, “You’re talking about the guy with the horns?”

o   One man said he didn’t think Trump could get a fair trial in a liberal state like New York, and said the trial would be better of being held “in the Midwest, in Ohio, in Floria….” – Jordan pointed out, “He’s on trial in Florida, he’s on trial in Georgia. Will you accept the results of those trials?” You’ll never guess what the guy said!

·        In My Opinion (John Leguizamo) – Politicians court the Latino vote

o   I’m always happy to see John Leguizamo on the show!

o   He summed up the appeal of the Latino vote to both Biden and Trump – “We are the fastest-growing population, America. Yeah, fasting-growing. You know what that means. We be f**king!”

o   John spoke to Latino voters who are supporting Trump for economic reasons, pointing out that his plans for fighting inflation include, “Drill, baby, drill,” and osetting more unhelpful tariffs against China – “Yeah, Trump wants to pick another fight with China. Probably just jealous because they actually built their wall.”

o   And of course, Trump remains grossly racist. We looked at a quote where he wished the U.S. had more immigrants “from nice countries, like Switzerland or Denmark” – “Donald, stop beating around the bush! ‘We want nice people: Swiss people, ski instructors, Wes Anderson fans.’ Just say white people!”

·        Interview – Creator/actress Mayan Lopez

o   Lopez talked about co-creating and starring in the sitcom Lopez vs. Lopez with her dad, comedian George Lopez.

o   She loved being able to tell Latino stories that are personal to her and her community – “I feel like we’re also making up for lost time. It’s really wonderful, and to be able to tell the stories we tell. We’re just having fun.”

o   Dulcé wondered who Lopez would pick if she could recast her dad, a question that intrigued Lopez – She said her mind went immediately to John Leguizamo, but she added the fun fact that she and Pedro Pascal share a birthday.

Wednesday, April 17

·        Headlines – U.S. track and field uniforms for the 2024 Olympics, NBA player caught gambling on his own team, Red Lobster considers filing for bankruptcy, Trump trial jury selection

o   Dulcé was horrified by one of the women’s uniform options for the Olympics – “Look at this. That don’t even cover the mannequin’s pussy, and she ain’t even got one!”

o   Dulcé didn’t think economic issues were to blame for Red Lobster potentially going down – “You know who I blame? Men! That’s right. Y’all aren’t living up the Beyoncé’s standards.”

o   Loved this line, about Trump owing over half a billion in legal fees – “Can you imagine owing so much money that you have to hit Powerball just to get back to zero?”

o   I laughed at Dulcé’s reaction to a news story explaining that the foreman for Trump’s hush money trial is originally from Ireland and “still has the accent” – “Yeah, he better still have the accent. What’s the point of telling me he’s from Ireland if he doesn’t have the accent? An Irishman with no accent is just a white dude in America.”

o   One juror described Trump as “fascinating and mysterious” – “This dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells us everything he’s thinking! I know the names of all the people he’s had sex with, I heard the details of what his penis looks like. Like, the only mysterious thing about him is what animal they made his wig out of!”

o   Josh said the jurors selected for Trump’s trial so far are a perfect cross-section of New York City – “So now they just need a white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad about gentrifying but definitely isn’t moving.”

o   Josh also said, “And to represent the views of Staten Island, they’re looking for a fireman or a racist” – When Dulcé asked, “Racist against who?”, he answered, “Ideally, everybody.”

o   Josh contemplated joining the trial himself – When Dulcé pointed out it’d be hard work, he argued that he could just sleep when Trump does, saying, “As long as we snore in rhythm, nobody’ll notice.”

·        Host piece – Black-owned wine tours

o   I laughed out loud at Dulcé’s dramatic confession, “I don’t like wine!”, complete with tossing her head to the side and covering her brow with her arm.

o   She was entertaining through the wine testing that the couple she was interviewing led her through – I liked her, “Chug, chug! …No, sip, sip.”

o   While there’s been an increase of Black-owned tours in wine country, only 1% of wineries are Black-owned.

·        Interview – Actor Orlando Bloom

o   Bloom was promoting his new docuseries Orlando Bloom: To the Edge, where he learns about, trains for, and tries all manner of death-defying activities.

o   Dulcé thought this was reckless of him, pointing out, “You know you need your face for work, right?”

o   Bloom described the series like this – “It was like an education in becoming super present, super capable, and able to, like, push through what I think was, you know, an edge for me.”

o   Dulcé countered, “Well, my edge is being a Black woman in America, so….”, which Bloom agreed was death-defying enough.

Thursday, April 18

·        Headlines – Speaker Johnson to call for foreign aid vote, Kennedys endorse Biden over RFK Jr., Trump asks to be paid for GOP candidates using his name/likeness, juror excused in Trump hush money trial

o   Marjorie Taylor Greene has been leading the charge to get Mike Johnson removed as House Speaker over a forthcoming vote on aid for Ukraine – “And I believe she’ll get him fired, ‘cause this lady has the strongest Karen energy I’ve ever seen.”

o   After a montage of Greene badmouthing Johnson on the news, Dulcé exclaimed, “Damn! Last time I saw a white lady getting that pissed off over a bill, she was getting kicked out of a Chili’s! I don’t know if she’s gonna get Mike Johnson fired, but she’s definitely getting store credit for something.”

o   Great job – “Y’all can’t even explain your position without sounding stupid. ‘We’re mad that he’s working with both parties to pass bills.’ Ma’am, that’s his damn job!”

o   Trump wanting a cut of GOP candidates’ fundraising money when they mention his name is wild – “Damn! Donald Trump is shaking down the candidates in his own party, for a cut of their money? Aw, this is some straight-up mafia shit! Trump’s about to leave a horse head in someone’s bed! Or even scarier, Rudy Giuliani!”

o   Loved it – “Can you imagine any other president acting like this? Obama was never like, ‘Hope and change. And when I say change, I mean empty your pockets!’”

o   The juror excused in Trump’s trial was concerned after aspects of her identity were revealed by the media – We watched a quick montage of reporters giving details about her, and Dulcé said, “Yeah, I would’ve found this lady on Facebook in five seconds! It’s 2024, that’s enough information to track down anybody! I once found a guy off the shape of a cloud in the background of his IG story.”

o   Troy tried to report on the story, but he had a hard time not revealing identifying information about the jurors – “You know, it’s bad enough she has to commute all the way from 125th St.”

o   However, when it came to Trump himself, Troy took the confidentiality thing a little too seriously – Alongside a graphic reading “Male” and “Real Estate Developer,” Troy said, “Well, the defendant, whose name we’re restricting for privacy reasons, he was very agitated.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Josh) – How to avoid paying taxes

o   Josh interviewed a tax expert on the different methods billionaires use to avoid paying their fair share of taxes, but most of their tricks weren’t something that could be implemented for the general public.

o   Josh asked, “So if I start my own church, I mean, how followers are we talking?” – When the tax expert pointed out that they’re not really called “followers,” Josh murmured, “Oh right, that’s like a cult thing.”

o   When Josh wondered how roads and bridges would be built if everyone took advantage of these loopholes, the expert explained, “Somebody at the lower end has to be paying the taxes for the government to do those things” – In his notes, Josh wrote, “Just don’t be poor.”

·        Interview – Musician Britney Spencer

o   Asked about her debut album My Stupid Life, Spencer said, “I love music. I love country music. It taught me how to tell a story, it taught me how to connect with my own story.”

o   She talked about how she likes mixing a lot of different genres into her work, saying, “I wish ‘good’ was a genre sometimes, you know?”

o   Dulcé also brought up Spencer’s appearance on Beyoncé’s cover of “Blackbird” – Dulcé explained, “By law, I have to ask you about Beyoncé. I’m sorry, it’s a law that’s been passed recently.”

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