Saturday, August 13, 2022

News Satire Roundup: August 7th-August 11th

Sunday, August 7

·        Recap of the Week – Scientific Twitter controversy, Alex Jones trial

o   So a scientist posted a supposed James Webb telescope picture of a “distant star” that was, in fact… a zoomed-in image of a slice of chorizo. D’oh!

o   Great description of Alex Jones – “A man who boldly answers the question, ‘What if Grimace were a Proud Boy?’”

o   I loved Jones’s judge’s response after he argued, “I believe everything I said was true, your honor” – She said, “You believe everything you say is true, but it isn’t. Your belief doesn’t make something true.”

o   John pointed out that much of Jones’s bizarre/insolent behavior during his trial is intentional, playing to his supporters – “He decided to make this court hearing a circus because he’s in the circus business.”

o   This made me laugh – “To wake up one morning and find out that Alex Jones’s lawyers mistakenly shared his cell phone records is a true blessing. We don’t deserve this, but one thing’s for sure: he definitely does.”

·        And Now This – C-Span’s most frequent caller

o   In the first of many clips from Walter in Butler, Indiana, he called into C-SPAN and then instantly admitted he didn’t have an opinion about the topic being posed.

o   As Walter stocked his bunker at the start of COVID, he said, “I went and bought maybe 400 bottles of good Irish whiskey,” among other things.

o   In another clip, Walter explained, “I usually talk to myself and no one listens, and now I have you on the line.”

·        Main Story – Monkeypox

o   Sigh – It only took about two months for the U.S. to lead the world in monkeypox cases (and those confirmed are almost certainly a drastic undercount.)

o   In response to rampant misinformation and bigotry, John said, “It seems a spreading virus yet again is bringing out the worst in people, including targeting those suspected of carrying it.”

o   This was the crux of the matter with monkeypox – “Frustratingly, despite the fact that we’re still in the middle of the COVID pandemic, we seem to be replicating some of its key mistakes.”

o   A 2003 outbreak in the U.S. was linked to people buying prairie dogs as pets, which gave us this exquisite rant about the name “prairie dog” – “Pour one out for the stupidest friend of Laura Ingalls Wilder, who saw an animal that is, most generously, a big hamster that fucked a meerkat with garden rakes for hands, and went ‘dog,’ and it somehow stuck.”

o   Throughout the story, John compared COVID and monkeypox responses, where a lot of the same failures have occurred, even though we already had existing tests, vaccines, and treatments for similar poxviruses – “This is not like the early days of COVID when we didn’t know anything about anything. Remember March 2020? We were Lysoling our groceries like they came out of the sewer, Geraldo was on TV claiming you could test for COVID by holding your breath, and we did a show on the coronavirus on March 1st, 2020, in which the main advice that we gave our full, unmasked studio audience was to wash their hands.”

o   Good line, about the current data collection/sharing for monkeypox – “‘Slow and cumbersome’ are the last words you want to hear in the early days of a disease outbreak, apart from, of course, the opening lines of ‘Imagine’ sung a cappella.”

o   The U.S. started a stockpile of smallpox vaccines after 9/11, fearing biological attacks, and an old news story about it featured “a familiar face” – “There he is, Anthony Fauci, the Forrest Gump of catastrophic contagion!”

o   Unfortunately, the U.S. has not put that stockpile to its best use – “Incredibly, we let 20 million doses expire. We just… did that, which seems especially unconscionable given, as I mentioned earlier, multiple African countries have had outbreaks of monkeypox for decades now and might have appreciated a shot or two. Sharing vaccines would’ve served two purposes: basic human decency, but also abject selfishness, in that stopping outbreaks over there might well have prevented the current outbreak over here.”

o   And of course, trying to get a vaccine is currently a nightmare – “Vaccines are apparently the Beyoncé concert tickets of healthcare: announced with little warning, gone in 30 minutes, and will likely have you screaming, ‘You won’t break my soul!’ at the top of your fucking lungs.”

o   John broke down the response of a public health official who laid out all the resources we had at our disposal while still managing to screw up our approach to stopping monkeypox – “Basically, on a scale from 1 to 100, we scored a ‘No.’”

o   This was good – “For far too long, we’ve indulged in the magical thinking that viruses that exist somewhere else, A) don’t matter, and B) will stay there. And monkeypox is such a clear example of how flawed and racist that thinking is.” I would add that it’s homophobic too, given the history-repeating-itself feel of monkeypox being viewed in many circles as a “gay disease.” Just because a virus is first identified spreading in one population, that doesn’t mean it can only affect that population.

o   Excuse me while I scream into the void – “The sudden global demand for vaccines means that currently, zero doses are going to Nigeria and other countries in Africa, which I know sounds awful, but to be fair,” showing a graphic of early American settlers and Native Americans, “indifference to those suffering from poxviruses has been the story of America from day one.”

·        And Now This – More from Walter from Indiana

o   Another montage from Walter, this time all centered around his views on mortality – It featured such gems as, “And in the end, we all die anyway, so what does it matter which way you go? So just shut up and deal with life the best you can.”

 

Monday, August 8

·        Headlines – Inflation Reduction Act passes in the Senate, CPAC performance art, HBO Max/Discovery+ to merge

o   Some great stuff in the opening blurbs, like a Maori campaign to restore one of New Zealand’s original names – “I think we can all be honest. Like, they didn’t put a lot of thought into naming it ‘New Zealand’ in the first place. Yeah, colonizers were so lame. ‘This is New Zealand. This is New England. New York.’ Zero effort.”

o   Reaction to rising polio cases in New York, sigh – “So it looks like New York is back! Back in the 1950s.”

o   Oh man, there’s a new report that, as president, Trump once complained that his generals weren’t as loyal as “the German generals during WWII” – “Yeah, that’s right. Fox News was out there every day like, ‘These liberals are so over-the-top always comparing Trump to Hitler!’ Meanwhile, Trump was going, ‘Why won’t people treat me more like Hitler?’”

o   Trevor’s commitment to this bit cracked me up – “Because no matter what you think about Joe Biden’s accomplishments, we can all agree that he stole the election in 2020. Yeah. It was a landslide victory for Donald Trump, but sneaky Joe Biden hacked into the matrix and turned all the voting machines Black. No one denies this.”

o   Okay, so a January 6th rioter (who, Trevor pointed over, avoided prison time by informing on other rioters) did this performance art thing at CPAC where he spent the day in a mock-up jail cell, crying and writing things on a chalkboard like “I used to have a name” – In the news clip we were shown of it, I love that the anchor felt the need to reassert, “What you’re watching actually happened at CPAC.”

o   Trevor was especially floored by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene going into the fake cell to pray with the performance artist – “Like, America, you understand, this is a person who is actually running part of your country. She’s in there mourning with a fake, praying for…. Like, how does she function in the world? It’s a fake prisoner. She must have the hardest time at Broadway shows. ‘They killed Hamilton! Aah! Aah!’”

o   The Warner/Discovery merger gave us a fun fake ad with such merged shows as House Hunters: Westeros and 90-Day Succession, ha!

·        Interview – Sen. Tim Scott

o   Scott was mainly there to discuss his new memoir, which deals heavily with his family history, including how hard his mom worked as a single mother and the racism his grandfather experienced back in Jim Crow-era South Carolina – “I wanted to make sure people had a full perspective on my journey to becoming who I am, because much of it was built on the shoulders of people who paid a very high price for you and I to have this conversation.”

o   But Trevor brought up a number of topics as well, and I thought he did a nice job of keeping it a friendly conversation while still challenging Scott – Asked about how he squares being a Black Republican, Scott argued, “As a sitting conservative Republican, I fought for the issues that had the greatest impact in the communities where I come from because it’s, like, common sense.”

o   Trevor was very interested in the prevalence of victim mentality in the Republican Party, even as it simultaneously urges people of color to stop “complaining” about racism because it’s “over” – “It seems like oftentimes, in order for people of color to be accepted into the Republican Party, they have to ignore all of the systemic things that happened to them in the country.”

·        Interview – Actress Nathalie Emmanuel

o   Emmanuel was promoting her new thriller, The Invitation, which hinges on a woman getting caught up in a truly bizarre/disturbing/deadly(?) destination wedding – She admitted, “I always joke that, if it was me in the situation, that movie would have ended in the scene with, my best friend who’s like, ‘Are you gonna go meet him?’ And we’d be like, ‘Naw.’”

o   Trevor teased Emmanuel about her observation that her character’s American accent made her “louder” – She clarified, adding, “I think there’s a freedom that comes with that accent and the— I see with Americans, like, they have no problem expressing themselves, expressing their opinions, and I love that. I wish I had more of that.”

Tuesday, August 9

·        Main Story – FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago

o   First, Trevor had to point out that the FBI raid was related to taking classified documents from the White House, not January 6th or tax fraud – “Honestly, I’m amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. Like, at any moment, at any moment Trump’s got a crime that he’s covering up, he’s got a crime that he’s doing now, he’s got a crime that he’s plotting for the future. He’s like the Steve Harvey, but of crimes, you know? Every day, I’m like, ‘Does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done.’”

o   Trevor agreed with news anchors who pointed out that the FBI has never raided a former president’s house before, but he reminded us of the context re: Trump – “Why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every person he interacts with is like, ‘Yo, have I got a f**ked-up story for you.’”

o   This joke was an obvious one, but Trevor delivered it so well. The timing was just right – “You don’t want to let a former president get away with crimes, right, because nobody in America is above the law. All right? Except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes. But aside from them, nobody is about the law.”

o   I was hoping Trevor would take the far-right pundits to task for crying “banana republic,” and he didn’t disappoint – “All right, first of all, as someone from the third world, maybe leave us out of your shit for once, huh? How ‘bout that? How ‘bout that? ‘This is some third-world bullshit right here. This is some….’ Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that’s corrupt, all of a sudden, they’re like, ‘Oh, this is third-world bullshit.’ My man, at what point do you realize that it’s happening here? It’s you. It’s you.”

o   Another noteworthy reaction Trevor wanted to point out was “how quickly MAGA world turns on law enforcement, and America as a whole whenever it suits them, whenever things go against them.”

o   To wit – “All of a sudden. Marjorie Taylor Greene posting a photo of an upside-down American flag after this raid happened. Yeah. Oh, I thought respecting the flag was the most important thing in the world. Colin Kaepernick is probably kneeling in his grave right now!”

o   To the folks who’ve been saying, “‘Defund the Police’ is like the N-word for law enforcement” – “But let the FBI take two boxes from Mar-a-Lago and, all of a sudden, these same people are like, ‘Take that thin blue line and shove it up your ass! Defund the FBI! Defund the cops!’ Same people, same people.”

·        “Should I Post This?”

o   An amusing throwaway bit, Trevor polling the audience on whether his posts are social-media ready – My issue with it was that the prospective tweets themselves were kind of bland. It was his elaboration to the audience that was funny.

o   One post, for example, was, “Gyms need to have an extra room for the people that scream when they work out” – “I’m glad that you’re exercising your demons, but you need to understand that no one else in the gym is having the same internal battle that you are.”

o   Another was, “People, please stop buying vegetables at the grocery store that you aren’t going to eat” – “You don’t look fancy. The cashier’s not impressed. You think the cashier’s gonna be like, ‘Ooh, bok choy. How sophisticated. Can I get your number?’”

·        Interview – Actor Idris Elba

o   Trevor admiring the sexiness of his male guests was predictably out in full force tonight – “Every time you come to the show, I have to schedule extra time. We’re like, ‘Who’s the guest?’ They’re like, ‘Idris Elba.’ I’m like, ‘Well, we need three minutes for people screaming and cheering….’”

o   Elba had a confession to make about his new movie Beast, in which he plays a father whose family is chased by a rogue lion – “I went to see the premiere yesterday in New York, and it was fun, but I was watching the movie and I was like, ‘I do ugly scared.’” When Trevor doubted him, he added, “Oh man, there’s no sexy in this movie.”

o   They spent some time talking about Elba’s other pursuits, like DJing in Ibiza – After musing on the idea that some partiers only know Elba as a DJ and not an actor, Trevor told Elba that one of his brother’s friends recognized him mainly from the meme of his appearances on The Hot Ones.

o   Some entertaining banter about Elba nearly his 50th birthday – My favorite was, “Does 50 know you’re turning 50?”

Wednesday, August 10

·        Main Story – Investigations into Trump

o   Opening blurb on the last Domino’s in Italy closing – “Yes, yes, they had Domino’s in Italy. Italy has drunk people, too.”

o   An obvious joke, but a good one – “America’s wildest former president is being hit with multiple criminal investigations for no reason, except for all the crimes he probably committed.”

o   I liked Trevor’s reaction to Trump pleading the Fifth in a deposition – “Wait. Trump decided not to talk? Yo, I mean, now we know something shady is going on, right? No, ‘cause when has Donald Trump ever refused to talk? We can’t get the man to stop talking.”

o   By the way, Trevor’s impression of Trump discovering that silence exists was priceless.

o   Trevor took issue with folks saying that Trump pleading the Fifth automatically meant he was guilty – “You might just not want to incriminate yourself. But I get it—there are some people who truly believe that if you plead the Fifth, you are guilty, and one of those people is Donald J. Trump.”

o   Because, yes, there were enough clips to make a lengthy montage of Trump talking about how only criminals plead the Fifth – “It’s really amazing how, of all of Trump’s enemies, his worst enemy is just him from the past.”

o   In a funny bit about Trump stealing the TV remote from the White House, Trevor really nailed his Biden impression – The cherry on top was when he did the lean-forward-and-whisper thing with, “Change the channel. Please.”

o   Meanwhile, with the FBI investigation into classified documents Trump took, Trevor pointed out that that’s a much more serious offense than it used to be, after an earlier president raised the penalties on it – “And who was that president? Donald Just-Look-at-Him-Now Trump.”

o   I loved this – “After spending years saying, ‘Lock her up!’, Donald Trump signed a law that might get him locked up instead. This guy’s basically a real-life Wile E. Coyote. Yeah, he leaves traps for all his enemies, but somehow he’s the one who keeps on getting smooshed on the road.”

o   Despite the multiple investigations, however, Fox News is ready with defenses, excuses, and outrage on Trump’s behalf – “It feels like if someone at Fox even suggested that Trump might be wrong, a trap door would open. Yeah, they’d just fall into a pit of pronouns.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Jordan) – Wisconsin Trump rally

o   A woman said “election integrity” was a big reason she was voting for Sen. Ron Johnson in the midterms, adding, “We want somebody that believes in the Constitution” – Jordan smoothly pointed out, “He did try to bring fake electors to Mike Pence.”

o   I loved Jordan’s response when he got a man to clarify that he wanted to take America back to the 1950s, not the 1850s (as Jordan put it, post-slavery but pre-civil rights) – “It’s a happy medium. Things are separate but equal.”

o   Man, the conspiracy theories were out in full force – One woman insisted that Osama bin Laden was actually in the CIA, referring to him as “Tim Forgot-His-Last-Name.”

·        Interview – Director Akin Omotoso

o   Omotoso was there to talk about Rise, his new movie on NBA player Giannis Adetokunbo.

o   When Trevor asked what drove him to make the movie, Omotoso cited his love for professional basketball – “And I became really obsessed with African players in the NBA. So every time there’s the draft, I would check, well, who’s—what are the names that resemble the ones that we recognize, right? And what’s their story to get to the draft?”

o   He emphasized that Giannis wanted the film to tell the story of his whole family, not just him – “He wanted to make sure the sacrifices of his mom and dad came through. It’s a love letter to his parents, you know.”

o   I really liked this observation, after Trevor asked Omotoso if meeting the Adetokunbos helped him figure out the secret behind their success of having three NBA players in the same family – “The first time you hear the story, you go, ‘This is amazing. This is an amazing story. How is this possible?’ And then you meet them and they’re so authentic. And I think it’s that humility and the understanding.”

Thursday, August 11

·        Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That – FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, Iranian assassination plot, Japan replaces its birthrate minister

o   Another good addition to the Trump Middle Name collection – “Donald Judeo-Christian Trump.”

o   This made me laugh, in response to Trump thinking he has a mole in his inner circle – “If this is actually true, I am going to be shocked. I cannot believe someone would betray Trump’s trust like this, without getting a book deal first. You’re leaving money on the table, people!”

o   After the U.S. killed General Qasem Soleimani, Iran conspired to have John Bolton and Mike Pompeo killed – “By the way, if Iran was willing to pay $1 million to kill Trump’s secretary of state, they should’ve just asked Trump to do it. I mean, he was gonna get his vice president killed for free. Come on, people, think about it.”

o   Trevor side eyed Japan’s new birthrate minister claiming he understands women’s experience after wearing a fake pregnancy belly for a day – “If having a big belly helped men understand women, the patriarchy would be gone. What are you talking about?”

o   The headline correspondent, Desi, wasn’t buying it either – “Let me just say, as someone who has been pregnant, I can tell you the belly is only ten percent of the full experience. It’d be more realistic if he wore the fake belly and then got punched in the dick for 36 hours straight. And then that dick got ripped off. And then he had to raise that dick for 18 years.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Ronny) – “Prove Me Wrong”

o   I loved this response to a woman saying that being sweaty/gross in the summer doesn’t matter, since everyone is in the same boat – “So you’re making a Marxist argument for B.O. during the summer.”

o   Another woman argued that the ocean was better than pools, since pools are dirty – Ronny replied, “You think whales are coming on land to take a shit?”

·        Interview – Actress/writer Abbi Jacobson

o   Jacobson acknowledged the huge undertaking of adapting A League of Our Own into a TV series – “It is a classic. It’s people’s favorite movie. It’s a lot of pressure.”

o   That said, Jacobson was glad to have to opportunity, due to both the length of the series and the changing times, to dig into topics that Penny Marshall only hinted at/alluded to in the original film.

o   For example, she said, “Queer people didn’t just show up at Stonewall. Like, we’ve been around forever, and so, the more research we did about queer culture in the ‘40s, it was just like, it was so exciting to dive into those stories.”

o   Jacobson shared the story of former baseball player Maybelle Blair, who, at age 95, came out publicly in response to the new series – “It was an incredible moment, but it also took her to be 95. So that shows how dangerous and— it was to be queer, and still is to be queer, and how important it is to show these stories.”

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