News Satire Roundup: May 22nd

Sunday, May 22

·        Recap of the Week – Primaries

o   John was gleeful to announce that Rep. Madison Cawthorn lost his primary, “which means he has now set the record for the shortest term ever served by a little bitch.”

o   Most of the time was spent on Pennsylvania governor candidate Doug Mastriano, who’s been very cozy with claims that Trump won the 2020 election and isn’t shy about his belief that, as governor, he’d be able to do whatever he wanted with Pennsylvania’s elections.

o   Despite the grim subject matter of the Mastriano story, John found humor in his endless collection of religious/patriotic ties, including one emblazoned with a tattered flag and the words, “Gave proof through the night, in God we trust” – John added, “which is…not how that song goes.”

o   Mastriano claims not to believe in QAnon, but that didn’t stop him from appearing at a conference hosted by two self-proclaimed QAnon prophets, who gifted him with a sword as a thank-you for his work – This conference appeared to be held in a church sanctuary decorated by no less than four American flags, including one draped over the altar. One of the “prophets” also wore both an American flag shirt and an American flag hat.

o   John was wary of the running-unopposed Democratic candidate promoting Mastriano before the primaries – “Well, that is fucking risky. Because look, I get the tactic behind wanting to choose an opponent that you think you have a better chance of beating, but as has been made painfully clear over the last decade, the most extreme Republican isn’t necessarily the least electable.”

·        And Now This – Texas sayings

o   A collection of people on news shows sharing purported Texan aphorisms – I liked, “Don’t let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird rear end.”

o   After a montage of multiple people saying someone is “all hat and no cattle,” I laughed at the ending clip of Sen. Chuck Schumer butchering it.

·        Main Story – Subway

o   We opened on a laundry list of Subway’s scandals, from Jared to an Irish court ruling that their bread can’t legally be called bread.

o   Then there was the viral photo of a “sandwich artist” putting his penis on a batch of dough – “That penis isn’t even the most offensive part of that photo. Look at the bread! It looks like a child’s drawing of Ed Sheeran.”

o   Then there’s Subway having to launch subwaytunafacts.com to combat accusations that their tuna isn’t real tuna – “Although, the moment that you’ve done that, it does feel like you’re already losing the argument.”

o   The brunt of the story, though, was on the strong-arm tactics Subway uses with its franchisees, many of whom feel deeply taken in by the company but now unable to get out – After seeing a video clip of a franchisee sharing their story witness-protection style, John exclaimed, “Holy shit! You know it’s serious when they use a voice modulator that can only be described as Autotuned Andre the Giant. And remember, this is about a restaurant that sells ham sandwiches. What’s the worst Subway could do to that man, make him eat one?”

o   Because the entry fee to buy a Subway location is quite low, most stores are owned by individuals and families, many of them immigrants – John took issue with a promotional video praising just how easy it is to open a Subway, saying, “It’s true, you really don’t need all that much to open a Subway. Although, I’m not quite sure how reassuring it is that all you need is a plug. After all, it is a restaurant serving human food, not an air mattress.”

o   But while the costs to open a new store are low, most run at low profit margins, and franchisees have to give a much higher percentage of their profits back to Subway than other restaurant franchises.

o   This description made me laugh – “I will say, Subway puts those ad fees to heavy use. Because they are the reason you can’t turn on your TV without being bombarded by commercials featuring Steph Curry, Tom Brady, and Megan Rapinoe pretending they’re all standing in the same place and willing to put sloppy bread cannons into their god bods.”

o   I loved the section on Subway’s product placement, which is especially prevalent in Korean dramas and led to Subway creating its own mini-drama series online called “Someway” – Naturally, the show brought this back around in the end with their own version of a Subway-focused Korean drama.

o   John was alarmed by a corporate video for franchisees that started peppy and optimistic but devolved into statements like, “We don’t let people down by being lazy,” and, “We don’t feel sorry for ourselves” – “Oh my god, it’s a sandwich cult!”

o   Subway also undercuts the business of its own franchisees by relentlessly opening competing locations close to each other – John counted 10 Subways within a 1-mile radius of his studio.

o   This was a tangent, in response to store owners being reluctant to share their real opinions with prospective franchisees calling them up for information, but I loved it – “Calling people is for divorcees and serial killers. I haven’t answered my phone in ten years now—either text me, or forget me.”