Saturday, March 5, 2022

News Satire Roundup: February 27th-March 3rd

Sunday, February 27

·        Headlines – Russian invasion of Ukraine

o   Very accurate description of Ukraine news – “It is the story that you’ve either been persistently avoiding because it’s stressing you out or you’ve been following obsessively for the exact same reason.”

o   After CNN cut from footage of Kyiv being bombed to a rowdy Applebee’s commercial, Applebee’s issued a statement in support of Ukraine – “That is some deft international diplomacy from the home of both the grilled oriental chicken salad and the tipsy leprechaun.”

o   John thought that George W. Bush should’ve only been allowed to condemn Putin invading another country without justification if he’d followed the statement with, “Oh, shit. Now I hear it. Sorry. I’ll shut the fuck up now.”

o   John was suitably grossed-out by Putin’s claim that his invasion is needed to “denazify” Ukraine – “I don’t want to play Who’s the Biggest Nazi Here—that, after all, is what Twitter is for. But between Zelensky and Putin, if you are looking for who is more like Hitler, I’m just gonna go with the ethno-nationalist despot invading sovereign European territory and who was also a terrible fucking painter.”

o   I loved this reaction to a video of a Ukrainian woman approaching Russian soldiers with sunflower seeds (Ukraine’s national flower) – “Let’s just recognize for a second how ice cold that insult is. ‘Take these seeds and put them in your pockets so sunflowers will grow when you die.’ That is fucking brutal. That woman brought seeds to a gunfight and still somehow comfortably won.”

·        And Now This – Notable moments in history

o   In which we looked at momentous news footage – for example, the deaths of JFK or Princess Diana, the O.J. Simpson verdict – and then cut to that tactless Applebee’s commercial.

·        Main Story – Sex work

o   After laying out the basics of two very contradictory laws regarding sex and work, John said, “Makes sense, right? Wrong? Well, exactly. Everything about the way we regulate sex work in this country is confusing and counterproductive, and when we talk about it, it’s often either demonizing, patronizing, or just plain wrong.”

o   Great line – “Given that sex workers are—and this is true—people, with thoughts about their own fucking situation, we thought that tonight, we’d actually listen to them.”

o   I loved John’s impression of a New York state congressman utterly baffled at the thought of sex workers coming to the Capitol to lobby for legalization – “Yeah, can you imagine? An organized group of citizens lobbying their state government for access to basic human rights? This has gotten well out of hand!”

o   This was a great response to the perspective of one police officer, putting forth the idea that cops are best positioned to “save” sex workers – “Well, hold on. ‘Cause first, if that is true that no one else is gonna help them, then you’re actually pointing out a gigantic problem that needs to be fixed. ‘Cause arresting someone isn’t usually considered the best way of providing assistance. That is why there isn’t a Thank You section in Hallmark called ‘For Your Arresting Officer.’”

o   Gross observation – “In many states, it is not specifically illegal for police officers to have sex with workers during the course of a sting operation.”

o   Due to anti-loitering laws that John called “Stop ‘n’ Frisk for Sex Workers,” some sex workers are being for arrested for carrying condoms, with the justification that having condoms is “an instrument of crime” – “That is just ridiculous. Putting aside the fact ‘it’s a crime to carry condoms’ sounds like the name of a Christian boy band’s self-released album—which it absolutely does, by the way—what you’re doing there is genuinely making sex workers’ jobs less safe.”

o   Excellent response to one woman’s heartbreaking and rage-inducing story – “Yeah. She went to report a rape and ended up in jail. I’d call it dystopian if it weren’t so fucking American.”

·        And Now This – The Wendy Williams Show

o   This was billed as a farewell montage for the show, a collection of lots of random Wendy Williams soundbites – My favorites included, “There is nothing worse than an attractive killer,” and, “Clap if you think she should suffer.”

 

 

Monday, February 28

·        Main Story – Russian invasion of Ukraine

o   Understandably, the whole episode was about Ukraine tonight.

o   Good bit – “If there’s one thing that tells you how big these sanctions are, it’s that the Swiss have gotten involved. Like, you understand how big that is, right? The Swiss don’t get involved in anything. Anything! The Swiss don’t get involved in war. They don’t get involved in alliances. My dad didn’t get involved in my life…. I would ask him to hug me, and he’d tell me that his official policy was to stay neutral.”

o   Trevor needed some “clarification” that Russia being cut off from SWIFT didn’t mean they could no longer listen to Taylor Swift.

o   We looked at all kinds of people condemning Russia on the international scene, not just governments imposing sanctions – After learning that Russia was banned from the World Cup, Trevor said, “I’m just saying, FIFA, if you want to hook South Africa up with that spot, you know, we’ve never invaded another country. You know, we barely even have a military. So if you’re interested, shoot me a DM.”

o   Good line – “Just this morning, the two countries held five hours of peace talks, which is good. Although Russia did continue bombing Ukrainian cities the whole time that the peace talks were happening, which is not a good sign. I mean, bombing a country during your peace talks is like bringing your side chick to couples therapy. Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.”

o   Great response to the sight of Russian people waiting for hours to withdraw money from their bank accounts – “Well, damn, if Putin’s goal is to bring back the glory days of the Soviet Union, people waiting hours in long lines is definitely a start.”

o   Relatable – “Before you panic, I know they said ‘nuclear’ and I know they said ‘Putin,’ but please take a breath. Yes, the threat of nuclear annihilation may have increased. Yes, we may be on the brink of World War III. And yes, Europe is once again at the mercy of one power-hungry dictator. But on the bright side… why was the last time you thought about COVID? Huh?”

o   Trevor also examined how certain reporters have expressed shock at the war specifically in contrast to wars in the Middle East and Africa – In response to one reporter emphasizing his “careful” choice of words in saying we’re not accustomed to seeing war in a “relatively civilized” European country like Ukraine, Trevor said, “Wow. That was you choosing your words carefully? That was the careful version? So what were you gonna say if you weren’t choosing your words carefully? ‘I just hope the next time this happens, it happens back in the Middle East where it belongs.’”

o   This was a great observation – “You do realize that until very recently, fighting crazy wars was Europe’s thing. That was Europe’s entire thing. That’s all of European history. They even had something called the Hundred Years’ War. You understand how long that is. That’s, like, a decade. They got a Novel Prize because they stopped fighting. Imagine that.”

o   Trevor hit the nail on the head here – “Like, I’ll tell you now—I don’t know about you, but I was shocked to see how many reporters around the world, by the way, seem to think that it’s more of a tragedy when white people have to flee their countries. Because I guess, what, the darkies were built for it?”

·        Ukrainian resistance to Russia

o   Trevor got in on the praise for the badass Ukrainian grandmother with the handful of sunflower seeds – “I also love how her aggression was still on-brand for a grandma. Like, she’s wishing him death, yes, but she is also doing gardening at the same time. You know? The only way it could have been more grandma is if she used his blood to spell out a message asking why her grandson isn’t married yet.”

o   We looked at footage of Ukrainians fighting back, from a Molotov cocktail “assembly line” in the street to guns and ammunition being given out to civilians – “Can you believe it? That guy was just given two assault rifles, even though he’s never fired a gun. I mean, if you’re American, you can believe it, of course, but for everyone else in the world, this is crazy.”

o   We spent time looking at President Zelensky too, who turned down a U.S. offer to evacuate him and is instead staying in the country with his people – “Damn. That’s hella gangster. ‘I need ammunition, not a ride.’ That’s some action movie shit right there. Meanwhile, Trump was hiding underground when people came with placards to the White House. ‘There’s so many words out there, hide me!’”

o   Zelensky’s resolve was especially inspiring given that, in many countries, the ruler is the first to escape in the event of wars or coups, a la, “We must defend this country to the death! Your death, though. I’m going to Switzerland.”

·        Interview – National Security Council member Samantha Power

o   Power noted that the threat of Russia has been evident for years now, recalling that the first time she heard the term “fake news” was in reference to claims the Russian UN ambassador made about Syria – “It was the first time they were asking us not to believe what we saw with our own eyes.”

o   She acknowledged that many countries in the world depend on Russia for energy resources, but she pointed out that these countries are now going through with imposing economic sanctions in order to stand with Ukraine – “The kind of steps that have been taken just in the last 48 hours goes so far beyond what most observers thought was conceivable for just the reason you say. This kind of mutually assured destruction, interconnectedness of the energy market, and of our economic system at large.”

o   Power and Trevor also discussed China’s response. While Trevor thought China was being intentionally vague, Power pointed out that, even though China didn’t join a UN resolution condemning the war, its choice to abstain from the resolution was very different than voting against it – “Of course we think it’s outrageous that any country would miss an opportunity to condemn, you know, a full-on invasion of its neighbor. So an abstention is not the desired posture that we would wish, you know, China or any member state of the United Nations to take. At the same time, it is a signal to Putin that China is not attaching its mast to this sail. It is putting some distance in there.”

Tuesday, March 1

·        Main Story – Russian invasion of Ukraine

o   Trevor’s response to Russia targeting civilian areas – “This is a war crime. And if anything, it’s exposed Russia’s lies about why they’re coming to Ukraine. ‘Oh, we’re coming to liberate the Ukrainian people.’ From what? From what, having a place to stay?”

o   As movie studios are canceling film releases in Russia and Netflix is refusing to add state TV programs to their Russian site, the show gave us an ad for “Nyetflix,” a replacement for all that withheld entertainment – “And who needs Western Batman when we have Russian Batman, Vladimir Putin? You watch him practicing judo. He’s same as Batman.”

o   Good line, about UN diplomats walking out on the Russian diplomat giving a speech on human rights – “To be fair, nobody wants to hear a speech about human rights from someone who’s currently bombing civilians. That’s like the guys from Jackass giving a lecture about testicle safety.”

o   More on the strength and resilience of Ukrainians in fighting back – “One thing we’re learning from this war is, if you’re going to invade a country, maybe don’t pick the one where the grandmas know how to turn their knitting into a fire bomb.”

o   This was a good observation about Putin’s reportedly-erratic moods – “It makes complete sense that he’s lashing out now. Remember this, Putin doesn’t know what it’s like to lose. He ‘wins’ every reelection without campaigning. He 'wins‘ judo matches against world champions. Now suddenly he’s having trouble beating a country that’s a fraction of the size of his? No wonder he’s mad.”

o   I really liked this distillation of the difference between Putin and Trump, with Putin being the more dangerous of the two – “The point is that anyone in the world can be a madman. But once you add power and vision—that’s where shit gets real.”

o   Trevor praised Russian citizens who are protesting the war – “You know how brave it is to speak up against Russia inside Russia? Like, I’m not even in Russia, and I’m gonna test my coffee for poison after the show.”

o   I liked this bit about Putin’s attempt to control the narrative – “He’s even banning the media from calling it an assault, an invasion, or a war. All of the things that it is, by the way. Which means Russian newscasters must be, like, deep in their thesaurus. How do you even describe this? ‘Now to our ongoing coverage of the, uh, international bullet exchange taking place in Ukraine right now?’”

·        Fake Ad – “Tyranol”

o   This was great – Marketed toward GOP congressmen and far-right pundits, Tyranol was billed as, “The drug that makes you forget you applauded a tyrant who’s now slaughtering civilians.” Great “before” and “after” clips of people doing an about-face on their comments about Putin.

·        Correspondent Piece (Roy) – State of Black Shit

o   Our annual address from Roy. This was a good bit – “The past year has been an interesting one for our community. Mmm-hmm. Black people got a lot of what we’ve been fighting for, just not in the way we had hoped. New York City’s got a Black mayor, but he’s a cop. Black athletes made history, but it was at the Winter Olympics. I don’t know how to do none of that shit. Black people got out of prison, but one of ‘em was Bill Cosby.”

o   Sadly true – “Now, of course, 2020 was the year of Black progress, which meant 2021 was the year of white people freaking out about Black progress.”

·        Interview – Actor/writer Bob Odenkirk

o   Odenkirk was there to discuss his new memoir, Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama – Trevor described it as “a how-to guide for anybody who wants to just work and grind through life.”

o   The book details a lot of Odenkirk’s struggles for and false starts toward success in his career – He admitted he included only a fraction of “dead end” projects that didn’t pan out, explaining, “It’s very hard to write about things and shows that no one’s ever gonna see or can see.”

o   But of course, we had to talk about Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul at least a little bit – “Lawyers, for some reason, love this guy. Guys, he’s a bad guy.”

o   This was a nice reflection from Odenkirk on his career – “I’m really happy with where I’m at. But I’m also happy with all the variety of things that I did and have gotten to do. And I think that that’s a great quality to show business, is the different avenues you can go down over time. ‘Cause this business loves people reinventing themselves.”

Wednesday, March 2

·        Headlines – Russian invasion of Ukraine, MLB labor dispute, AMC introduces variable pricing system

o   By now, Putin has sickly proven that nowhere in Ukraine can avoid becoming a target – “That is like the final straw. That goes to show how evil Putin is. Like, the guy’s bombing Holocaust memorials? I don’t even feel comfortable using a bathroom at a Holocaust memorial. It’s too disrespectful.”

o   The president of Belarus may have given away Putin’s next plans, as he was filmed in front of a map that seemed to show troop movements into Moldova – “I also feel bad for the intern who had to get that map. Yeah. They probably killed everyone in that Kinko’s to keep it a secret, and then his boss just puts it on TV.”

o   This made me laugh – “No! Don’t cancel the baseball games! How else will I get to spend $45 on a hot dog that’s a little too dry?”

o   Great bit on the MLB labor dispute – “Yes, I know, $570,000 is a lot of money. It is a lot of money. But when you think about it from the players’ point of view, think about how long a baseball game is. What does that $500,000 break down to? It’s, like, what? Four dollars an hour?”

o   I enjoyed this introduction – “Let’s go to the movies, the only legal way to stare at Chris Evans for two-and-a-half hours.”

o   I liked Trevor’s counteroffer to AMC – They can charge more for the newest releases, but viewers get to pay in “increments,” beginning the movie and then deciding in intervals whether they’re satisfied enough with the film to keep paying.

o   Ronny, the headline correspondent, had a theory that variable pricing would be based on an algorithm to track our data and identify which films we most want to see – To game the system, he trashed The Batman, but at the same time, he held up a sign reading, “Love you, Robert. This is just for the dynamic pricing.”

·        Main Story – State of the Union

o   Trevor’s issue with the State of the Union – “Why does it only happen once a year? You get more updates from your doggy day care in one afternoon than you get from the president in an entire year? That’s a little weird.”

o   This was a good take on people’s reactions to Biden’s remarks on policing – “That’s right. Joe Biden said, ‘Fund the police.’ (gasp) But I thought that was a Republican thing! I thought Democrats wanted to bulldoze police stations and replace them with community poetry centers.”

o   Jumping off from Biden’s policing comments, Trevor had this to say – “It is kind of crazy that nothing has really changed when it comes to the police, right? Just think about it for a moment. Like, whether you want to defund the police or, like Biden, spend even more money on reforming them, you’ve got to admit that neither of those things have actually happened. And fatal police shootings actually went up last year. Yeah. So, really, when you think about it, after all the marches and the protests and the ‘national conversation,’ all we really got was Nancy Pelosi’s kente clothing line.”

o   We couldn’t discuss a Biden speech without some gaffes. I laughed at Trevor’s response to Biden accidentally calling Ukrainians “Iranians” at one point – “Technically true. It is technically true. Putin can do whatever he wants in Ukraine. Nothing will make the Iranians back down.”

o   We had some fun with reactions in the crowd. I especially liked Trevor singling out a time Nancy Pelosi rose to clap but then just rubbed her fists together – “It looks like she was playing rock-paper-scissors with herself and then somehow ended in a makeout sesh.”

·        Interview – Voting rights activist/author Stacy Abrams

o   Abrams was promoting a new book on starting small businesses, with insights from her own experiences – She explained, “For a lot of people, starting a business isn’t this Horatio Alger story. It’s not because they all want to be mini moguls. It’s often circumstance. A mom who needs to take care of her kids but also needs to make a living. And so she starts a business […] in her, you know, kitchen.”

o   In looking at what states and the country can do to better support small business, one of the things she stressed was making sure that entrepreneurs who need loans have access to them – “After the great recession, Black communities in particular lost banks and they never came back. And so, when the PPP loans came out—a good intention of government—the money went to places that were not willing to lend to the very communities that needed it.”

o   Abrams didn’t agree with critics who argue that her fight against voter suppression is self-interest, since she wants people to vote for her for governor – “The process of voting is non-partisan. Everyone should have access to the ability to vote. It should be easy to vote. It should be accessible. There should be freedom to vote. Any impediment to that is wrong.”

o   It came down to this – “When we allow democracy to be overtaken by those who want to choose who can be heard, and those choices are not based on anything other than animus or inconvenience, then that is wrong.”

o   Abrams talked about why she owned up to her mistake and apologized after she violated a school’s masking requirements during a photo op – “Your job, fundamentally, is to acknowledge when you make a mistake and try to make it right. We have this narrative that we have invincible leaders. That’s just not true. What we have are humans who want to do a job, and we have to hold them accountable for the job they do, but have to have grace when they make mistakes and trust that their intentions were right. But you cannot trust their intentions if they never tell you what they were.”

Thursday, March 3

·        Main Story – Russian invasion of Ukraine

o   Trevor praised Ukrainians shown looking after a captured Russian soldier in a viral video – “I don’t know all of them, but right now, Ukrainians seem like some of the best people in the world. They’re standing up to one of the biggest militaries on the planet, and on top of that, they’ve captured an invading soldier, and they’re giving him food and drink? You don’t see humanity like that in war. In fact, you don’t even see humanity like that on Twitter.”

o   The treatment of that soldier made room for an excellent new Spirit Airlines dig – “Spirit Airlines: you’ll wish you were a prisoner of war.”

o   More companies and organizations have joined the movement to exclude Russia – “EA Sports is taking Russian teams out of their video games. But Ukraine wants them to go even further. Right? They’re calling on video game companies to boycott Russia entirely. No games. Turn it off. Fortnite. Warzone. Everything. Turn it off. And if you ask me, that’s the opposite of what they should be doing. Yeah. If you want to disrupt the Russian war effort, don’t turn off the games. You should send everyone in Russia a free copy of Elden Ring. It’ll stop the war dead in its tracks. Yeah, good luck invading when you’re spending 40 hours just to get past the first boss.”

o   Tonight, we spent a lot of time looking at the growing refugee crisis coming out of Ukraine – “One of the major costs of war is how many people get displaced. They have their lives totally uprooted. Like, we all think war is like Call of Duty. You know? You run and you shoot and then you reboot. But for most people, it’s more like Oregon Trail—less exciting, much harder, and way more depressing.”

o   This was an interesting observation – “The fallout of that war spreads all over, whether it’s the refugee crisis or the rising gas prices or the stock market. The ripple effects are everywhere. So, in a way, Putin didn’t just invade Ukraine. He’s also invaded your gas tanks. Right? He’s invaded your grocery bill. He’s invaded your social media feeds.”

o   Trevor contrasted Eastern European countries welcoming Ukrainian refugees “with open arms” with footage of Syrian refugees from a few years ago – “Hmm. That’s really strange. When it’s Syrians who are fleeing a war, it’s all, ‘We do not have space. Do not come.’ But now there’s space and people must come? What changed?”

o   Trevor acknowledged that integrating refugees from a similar culture can pose fewer challenges, but he argued that it was still very impossible for countries to open their doors to refugees from other regions – “The problem I have is that when it’s Syrians or Africans on a boat, these countries didn’t even try to integrate them. They didn’t even say, ‘women and children only.’ No. They reject even the chance that anyone brown could assimilate. ‘Your skin is too dark. You couldn’t possibly eat borscht.’”

o   Furthermore, people of color trying to get out of Ukraine, such as international students and tourists, have met obstruction at the border. One man from the Congo was even told he couldn’t leave the country but that he could pick up a gun and join the fight – “That is insane. People from other countries haven’t been told that they have to fight. Why does he? Huh? ‘The British person gets to go. The African guy—no, no, you’re staying. We’ve watched Beasts of No Nation. We know you guys know how to handle yourself. This is what you guys do.’”

o   Excellent line – “I think rather than this being a moment to turn on each other, this refugee crisis should be a reminder that ‘refugee’ is not a synonym for ‘brown person.’ Anyone could become a refugee. It’s a thing that happens to you. It’s not who you are.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – The history of bras

o   Interesting observation – “You can always tell a lot about what’s going on with women in society by how their breasts are being stored.”

o   The first precursors to the bra were seen in the Middle Ages – “These ladies didn’t have time for cute underwear. It was the 1300s. They were more concerned with finding new recipes for gruel and not dying from a paper cut.”

o   I laughed at Desi’s description of the hourglass figure – “…’Cause nothing is sexier than a woman who might be filled with sand.”

o   Good line – “With her new bra, Caresse Crosby and women everywhere were liberated. Except for the fact that they were still women in 1914. But aside from that, liberated!”

·        Interview – Professional tennis player Serena Williams

o   Williams talked about starting her own venture fund and why she’s passionate in investing in new businesses – “It’s on the ground floor where you want more diversity and where you want more people involved, and that’s where, if you’re looking to create, you know, wealth or however you want to look at it, that’s where it starts, you know? And it’s no better way to start there.”

o   She also pointed out the influence a venture capitalist can have during a company’s early formation – “If you really help a company shape how they hire, then it has, ‘A,’ a better chance to succeed, but it also has a better chance to think of inviting everyone to the table.”

o   Williams and Trevor also talked King Richard – When asked how she’s maintained a strong relationship with her sister despite the times they’ve had to compete against each other, Williams explained, “Tennis lasts 10 years, 20 years, but family lasts forever.”

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