Saturday, November 13, 2021

News Satire Roundup: November 7th-November 11th

Sunday, November 7

·        Recap of the Week – 2021 election, COP26 climate summit

o   After a state senate winner in Virginia admitted during the campaign that he didn’t know what he’d do if elected and confidently tweeted antimask sentiments and Islamophobia, John decide he was “a lot less concerned about the things Ed Durr doesn’t know and way more concerned about the things he thinks he does.”

o   Naturally, John had words about Biden apparently nodding off during COP26, particularly regarding the moment that it happened – “‘This conference is one of the most important meetings in history,’ is one of the worst things someone can say as you nod off. It’s right up there with, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ or, ‘In one mile, exit highway,’ or ‘Welcome to Last Week Tonight, I’m John Oliver.’”

o   John noted that the pledges made at COP26 aren’t necessarily something to celebrate, pointing out that they’d only get us to a 1.8° rise in temperature when experts have warned that we need to stay below 1.5° - “That already-insufficient target is predicated on every country living up to its pledges, which seems very unlikely, because their track record isn’t great here.”

·        And Now This – People on TV saying things wrong

o   Exactly what it says on the tin – One of my favorites was one local news anchor pronouncing Taylor Swift’s Folklore  as “Forklore (am I saying that right?)”

o   I also laughed at the anchor who attempted no less than four versions of Banksy’s, including “Banksty” and “Banky,” and never got it right.

·        Main Story – Power grid

o   Amusing description of electricity – “It’s like Oscar Isaac in that, without its involvement, nothing in my house gets turned on.”

o   John’s reaction to a massive blackout in Detroit that affected a courthouse during a murder trial – “Holy shit! When the lights go out during a murder trial, one of two things is happening. You’ve either got a power grid deeply in need or repair, or the murder victim has come back as a ghost and is seeking revenge. Either way, your priorities have shifted, and it’s time to focus on a much bigger problem.”

o   While outdated equipment and strain on the grid is already a major problem right now, John pointed out that the need will only increase in the future if we take steps toward reducing carbon emissions, such as more people switching to electric cars, which will of course require electricity to power them.

o   All sorts of the things can disrupt the power grid, from the weather to animals (which included slugs among more usual suspects like squirrels and birds) – “Kudos, slugs. Out of everything on that list, you’re honestly the one I underestimated. All I can normally say about you is that, on your best day, you look like sassy poop, but you really showed us something by disrupting our power, so once more, slugs: kudos.”

o   In looking at the single electrical-wire hook that broke, causing the start of last year’s California wildfires, news footage pointed out that the hook wasn’t faulty. Rather, it was 98 years old and was never replaced – “Let that be a lesson to you. You can’t just keep something that old in place and expect it to keep working forever. PG&E basically took the same approach to their equipment as Democrats did with Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and in both cases, it didn’t end well.”

o   I smiled at John’s reaction to “Coloso,” a giant electrical transmitter in Argentina built to look like a robot, complete with ight-up facial expressions – “Look, I get the smile part. You want Coloso to come off as friendly, so you aren’t terrified of the giant electrified robot with big glowing monster eyes, but why does it need to wink? What is it trying to communicate there? Is it coming on to us?”

o   John had only incredulous fury for a senator who repeatedly framed proposed upgrades to the grid in terms of what kind of monetary “return” taxpayers would see on their “investment,” completely ignoring health, environmental, and quality-of-life benefits – “Framing this purely as a matter of profit is so weird. It’s like saying, ‘What’s the return on investment in funding the fire department? How much money do we make off that?’ Well, I guess technically none, but if your house is on fire, someone will come with a hose to put it out, plus we get those sexy firefighter calendars full of oiled-up fire hunks, so we get to be safer and hornier. I’d call it a win-win!”

o   This was a great summation of the issue – “For far too long, whenever we’ve experienced blackouts, we’ve tended to think of it as the power grid failing, but the truth of it is, it’s not failing us. We are failing it by asking it to do something it was not designed to do in conditions it was not designed to handle.”

 

Monday, November 8

·        Headlines – Tuvalu speaks at COP26, Tesla stock crashes over Elon Musk tweet, Biden climate conference “faux pas”

o   Trevor’s description of climate change – “It’s humanity’s way of getting revenge on that Titanic iceberg.”

o   Tuvalu’s foreign minister recorded his COP26 address standing in waist-deep water to convey the urgency island nations face on climate change, which Trevor agreed would be an impossible way to live – “I mean, there is one benefit, and that is you can pee whenever you want and nobody will know, but that won’t make up for all the other problems.”

o   Good line on the proposed wealth tax – “Elon Musk, he hates this idea like it’s paper currency.”

o   Musk’s tweet was a poll asking users if he should sell some of his stock, gaining about $25 billion that he’d then have to pay taxes on – “That right there just shows you how wild it is to be a billionaire. You hold a poll on Twitter that’s like, ‘Should I pay taxes?’ Like, you normal people try doing that shit, the IRS will answer that in person!”

o   Trevor defended Biden against Camilla’s remarks about him “passing wind” in front of her during his U.K. trip – “If you’re gonna blame anyone, blame British cuisine. You can’t serve a 78-year-old man baked beans for breakfast and then act shocked when he blows the door off the hinges.”

·        Main Story – Vaccine news

o   In looking at the U.S. pulling back on its travel ban, Trevor noted inconsistencies in vaccine requirements for international travelers depending on their country of origin – “Let’s be honest, people. This travel rule seems to be more about feelings than actual public health, right? Because clearly the Biden administration is trying to balance public safety with not looking like you’re banning ‘shithole countries.’”

o   Loved this follow-up – “It’s a problem that could’ve been averted if America had shared its vaccines instead of having six vaccines for every man, woman, and emotional support animal.”

o   Trevor had a great response to NFL player Aaron Rodgers defending his decision not to vaccinate (and then lie about it to his coach/team) by invoking an MLK quote on civil disobedience – “Oh. That actually reminds me of another famous MLK quote: I have a dream that when I’m gone you will leave me out of your messy-ass drama.”

o   Trevor lamented that the real victims in these situations of pro athletes refusing to vaccinate is people in fantasy leagues – “Now you’ve gotta be like, ‘What are the chances that this player gets his news from Facebook? Ahh, I’m gonna lose points!’”

o   After Big Bird tweeted about getting the vaccine, the “Independent Thinking Bird” visited the show in the interest of “fairness” – “Everyone says listen to your doctor, but what about listening to this guy I met at the gym? His cousin got vaccinated, and two days later, his nipples fell off! That’s why you should do your own research.”

·        Interview – Director Spike Lee

o   Lee was there to promote his new book, a photo retrospective on his career – It was interesting to learn how many members of his family he’s involved in his work, from screenwriting to scoring to providing graffiti art.

o   I liked the idea Trevor brought up from Lee’s comments in the book on Jungle Fever, that people didn’t understand Lee was telling “a story about one issue” and not “the story about all issues.”

o   I always enjoy seeing Lee’s pride in/affection for Trevor, and at the end of the interview, he had one of the crew bring out a signed copy of the book for Trevor to keep before telling him, “The streets love you, man.”

Tuesday, November 9

·        Headlines – “All I Want for Christmas is You” Jukebox ban, Singapore ends free COVID treatment for unvaccinated people, the House passes the infrastructure bill, Sen. Hawley claims an attack on masculinity

o   In the news clip introducing a bar that put a moratorium of “All I Want for Christmas is You” before December 1st, I loved the one Twitter comment asking, “Is this the war on Christmas I’ve heard so much about?”

o   Trevor noted that Singapore wasn’t playing around with its unvaccinated citizens – “You best bring your checkbook to the hospital, because these ventilators are by the hour, bitch!”

o   Ronny was the headline correspondent, and he pointed out just how radical this move by Singapore is, given their universal healthcare – “You’re gonna have to pay for your own stuff. If you don’t take the COVID vaccine, we’re going to treat you like an American.”

o   I laughed out loud at this description of Washington, D.C. – “It’s like Washington Marvel, but not as good.”

o   I loved Trevor’s response to Rep. Taylor Greene’s assertion that all the Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill are opening the door to communism – “Which I know sounds crazy, but think about it: how are Soviet tanks going to invade America? Over the newly refurbished roads and bridges. That’s why you’ve gotta keep your infrastructure broken. It’s called homeland security, people.”

o   Great point – “What’s amazing to me about this partisan anger, is it’s happening over an infrastructure bill, people. Infrastructure! I mean, I would get it if the new roads they were building all led to an abortion clinic, or if they were adding special carpool lanes that were just for nonbinary people. But it’s just fixing things for everybody! So I don’t get the anger.”

o   I loved the description of Sen. Hawley as “that guy at your high school reunion who keeps telling everyone how much his watch cost.”

o   Ronny couldn’t make sense of Hawley’s claim that the left was waging a war on “manhood” and driving men to excessive porn and video games – “I’m so confused once again in America. Is this the country of freedom or not? It’s like, we’re free to take the vaccine if we want, but we’re not allowed to jerk off and play video games? What is freedom for, then?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Black beekeepers

o   This made me smile – “I’m going to follow them for the day, to mainly find out why? Why in God’s name not leave this honey farming with death boxes to white people?”

o   Dulcé bedazzled her beekeeping suit, arguing, “I think one of the reasons Black people haven’t gotten into beekeeping is because of the outfit” – The beekeepers she was shadowing just pointed out that she now looked like a flower and would probably attract the bees.

o   The couple’s story about getting into beekeeping to use honey in response to their son’s severe allergies was sweet, as was their enthusiasm to help other Black who were interested in beekeeping.

·        Interview – Supermodel Emily Ratajkowksi

o   In talking about her new book of essays on female bodies, sexualization, and commodification, Ratajkowski said, “There’s a sort of negotiation you do with how you want to represent your body in the world as a woman every day.”

o   I liked this remark – “You know, ‘empowerment’ is a word that just gets thrown around so much that I feel like I don’t even know what it means totally anymore. Because power is such a complicated thing. I mean, is empowerment a feeling, or is it, you know, the resources that you gain from financial success or influence? But I will say that the closest I’ve ever come to it is through writing this book.”

o   Trevor asked her about the “Blurred Lines” music video and what she feels about Robin Thicke’s actions during the shoot – She replied, “I think that I’m really not interested in blaming individuals. I think that we live in a culture that allows a lot of these situations to occur.”

Wednesday, November 10

·        Headlines – Record inflation, Rep. Gosar tweets violent cartoon about Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, charitable post goes awry, kidnapped girl rescued due to TikTok hand signal, new Portuguese labor law

o   Before we got started, Trevor commented on Paul Rudd being named the Sexiest Man Alive – He gave Rudd his props, “but at the same time, does People magazine not know Timothée Chalamet? Like, how can anyone win anything to do with sexiness when Timothée Chalamet exists as a human being?”

o   This remark on inflation made me laugh – “I went to the gas station today, and for a gallon of regular, it just said, ‘Kill yourself.’”

o   Relatable – “We all know that people love posting photos of their pets to Instagram. It’s a great way to tell the world, ‘You know how there are millions of identical corgis out there? Well, I own one of them!’”

o   The misguided charitable post was someone who pledged to plant a tree for every person who replied with a picture of their pet. 4 million pictures later, they had to admit they didn’t have enough trees – “You know what this guy’s real mistake was? Was asking for pet pictures. People are gonna do that anyway. People post pet pictures all the time. It’s too easy. If you wanna make people engage, make them work, you gotta ask for a thing that only a few people would respond with. Like, you should say, ‘We’ll plant a tree for every nude pic you send of your grandparents.’ Yeah. You make ‘em earn that tree!”

o   An abducted girl used a coded signal she learned on TikTok to alert someone that she needed help – “Man, this is amazing. And it’s a good thing about perverts being old men because there was no chance of that 61-year-old man seeing that hand signal and going, ‘Yo, yo, yo, that’s that thing from TikTok! Hype!’”

o   Roy was the headline correspondent, though most of his time was dedicated to a bit about him freaking out about the inflation. On the whole, it was pretty meh, but I got a kick out of this part – “It’s not just the price of gas and milk and food. Everything’s expanding. Tweets are longer. Movies are longer. This show is 45 minutes! The next Spider-Man has three Spider-Men in it. Multiverse. We need enough paper towels to wipe our ass in three different universes.”

o   Portugal’s new law prohibits employers from contacting their employees outside of working hours – “You realize that means now when your boss calls you during dinner, you can just pick up the phone and be like, ‘Hold on, hold on, hold on, sir. Uh, yes, let me put you on a conference call… with the police, bitch!’”

o   So very true – “By the way, this really shows you the difference between Portugal and America. Like, a labor victory in Portugal and most of Europe is outlawing your boss contacting you after 5:00 p.m. That’s a victory. Meanwhile in American, a major labor victory is, like: Now Amazon workers get a choice of plastic or glass bottles to pee in! We did it, guys!”

·        Fake Commercial – “Almost Veteran’s Day”

o   The commercial sketch boiled down to this idea – “Every Veteran’s Day, we honor the brave Americans who served. But it’s time we also recognized the almost-brave Americans who didn’t serve but want everyone to think they did.”

o   We’ve all seen these guys – “You’re the man who goes to the grocery store dressed like you’re ready to assault Fallujah.”

o   Loved this rundown – “You’ve got all the gear you think veterans wear: wraparound tactical sunglasses, an operator beard you saw on John Krasinski, a patriotic T-shirt with way too many words on it, cargo pants filled with every kind of army knife, even though you only use ‘em to clean out your vape. And camo! Camo! Camo!”

·        Interview – Musician/Actor Bad Bunny

o   Trevor wondered how Bad Bunny’s music has connected with so many people on an international leve – He replied, “I think there’s a very important detail, and it’s that I’m the same guy. I’m real, you know? I don’t want to be like a… like a character.”

o   Trevor pointed out how Bad Bunny has rejected the idea of machismo, embracing different kinds of fashion, advocating for women, and supporting LGBTQ folks – In response, Bad Bunny said, “I’m just trying to unify, you know? Everybody, every person, everybody can feel comfortable with my music.”

o   When Trevor observed that he never changed his music in an attempt to appeal to a broader international audience, Bad Bunny noted, “You know, like no one’s asked a gringo to change the other way,” which was super valid.

Thursday, November 11

·        Headlines – YouTube to remove the dislike button, Chris Christie and Donald Trump feud over the 2020 election

o   Great description of YouTube – “A place to go if you want to be radicalized, but are too lazy to read.”

o   This made me smile – “This is a great move by YouTube. You shouldn’t be able to bully people on YouTube with the dislike button. That’s what the comments are for!”

o   Trevor had a hard time understanding why YouTube had a dislike button in the first place – “Like, how are you going to dislike a free video? It’s free, you asshole! The only response you should be able to leave on a free thing is, ‘Thank you for this free thing.’”

o   I loved this description of Chris Christie taking on Trump’s ongoing insistence that he won the election – “This dude is taking a rock to a hornet’s nest and being like, ‘I don’t want to get in a thing here, but…’”

o   Great line – “Telling Donald Trump to stop obsessing over the 2020 election results is like telling Gollum to maybe try a necklace or a bracelet or something. It’s not gonna happen.”

·        Main Story – Pandemic news

o   Excellent summation – “The United States has more than enough vaccines for every man, woman, and child who doesn’t listen to Joe Rogan.”

o   The U.S. has finally decided to share more vaccines internationally, with an announcement that they’ll be sending doses to “conflict zones” – “America is sending the Johnson & Johnson vaccine to conflict zones? Hasn’t Yemen been through enough?”

o   This made me laugh – “I mean, it’s bad enough that poor countries get T-shirts from the losing Super Bowl team, but now they have to get the third-place vaccine?”

o   Trevor worried that people were going to start wanting to go to conflict zones in order to get the vaccine. I loved this impression of a Nigerian trying to join the Taliban – “So, tell me, why do you want to join our glorious cause?” “Oh, predominantly for the health benefits and, uh, oh, also, death to America, of course, eh? If that helps my application, you can put that in as well.”

o   We learned that COVID is spreading widely among deer, with scientists worried that a mutated strain might jump back to humans – “And you might be thinking, ‘Trevor, come on. It’s not like humans are hanging out with the deer. We’ll be fine.’ Yeah, yeah. That’s what we said before that guy banged a bat. Look at us now!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – Female veterans

o   Deborah Sampson was the first woman known to join the Revolutionary War, disguising herself as a man – “On the one hand, she had to put herself in grave danger. On the other hand, she didn’t have to wear a corset anymore, which, if you ask me, is worth risking your life for.”

o   Malinda Blalock fought in the Civil War – “It’s weird that America doesn’t know her story because she fought for the Confederacy. You’d think there’d be statues of her all over.”

o   Blalock’s service ended after she was injured and the doctor treating her wound discovered her disguise – “That’s a huge sacrifice, because as soon as your doctor realizes you’re a woman, all your premiums go up.”

o   Even once women were allowed to serve openly, there was of course more BS. Their families didn’t get survivors benefits if they were killed, and it wasn’t until the late 1970s that they were given veteran status – “Which is so messed up. Also, if you’re not an official veteran, your dog doesn’t get excited when you surprise him by coming home.”

·        Interview – Actor Will Smith

o   Trevor made this observation about Will Smith’s portrayal of Venus and Serena Williams’ father in his new film King Richard – “There’s something to playing someone in a way that doesn’t provide a caricature of them, but shows you their character.”

o   Smith talked about some of the insights Venus shared with him about her dad – “She said it was almost like a Jedi mind trick, because he never pushed them to play tennis. When they were in trouble, their punishment was that they couldn’t play tennis. And they would be itching and scratching and clawing, ‘Please, Daddy, let us play, please let us practice.’”

o   I liked this comment – “When you do these things that are about people’s lives, it wipes away every desire other than wanting to please the family. If you make a movie about someone’s life and they don’t like it, it’s horrific.”

o   Smith also discussed his new memoir and his motivation to “take the filter off” in writing it – “I thought it’s more helpful. You know, for somebody who wants to build their life, for somebody who wants to follow and do some of the things that I’ve done, it’s more helpful if I tell you the truth.”

o   That honesty and openness was beneficial to him as well – “There’s a certain emotional invincibility that is being cultivated that I just love. I love not being swayed by people’s opinions.”

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