Saturday, October 9, 2021

News Satire Roundup: October 3rd-October 7th

Sunday, October 3

·        Recap of the Week – U.K. fuel crisis, Senate hearing on Facebook and Instagram, Democratic argument over the Build Back Better bill

o   I loved the video of a British man riding a horse passed a line of cars trying to buy gas singing, “I’m on a horse, / I’m on a horse, / And he don’t need petrol, / ‘Cause he runs on carrots!”

o   I liked the detail that even Sen. Blumenthal’s aide “winced in pain” as the senator grilled an Instagram executive on whether they would “commit to ending finsta” – “That is the expression of someone who knows they’re gonna have to stay late tonight explaining to their boss yet again what finsta is, but also what Twitter is and why he’s currently getting roasted on it.”

o   Oh man, West Virginians kayaking out to Sen. Manchin’s boat to ask about his obstruction of the Build Back Better bill – “Wow. I’m not sure which stage of capitalism we’ve reached if we’re now kayaking out to a politician’s yacht to beg him to help the poor, but it has got to be one of the last ones. I’m pretty sure it goes Ocean on Fire, Bookstore Billionaire Leaves the Planet, then Boat Bitch Says No, and then it is basically all over at that point.”

·        And Now This – “Leaf peeping”

o   I’d never heard this term before (I guess it just means looking at fall foliage?), but while it is indeed weird/creepy, the montage of local newscasters talking about how creepy it is was amusing.

·        Main Story – PFAS chemicals

o   According to John, it was no surprise that PFAS chemicals were bad, given that he was talking about them – “The original name for this show was That Thing You Like is Bad with Saddy Longlegs.”

o   Yikes, the news that, at one point, DuPont was dumping so much forever-chemical waste into water systems that they literally “lost track of” how much they were dumping – “Wow. Harmful chemicals are not something you should just ‘lose track of.’ They’re not your car keys or your middle child.”

o   I loved John’s reaction to the fact that DuPont found an alternative chemical that was less harmful but opted not to use it due to the “risk” to the billion-dollar-a-year profit with Teflon – “Proving once again that corporations are people, specifically, sociopaths.”

o   Very sad and very true – “Crucially, an EPA health advisory is non-enforceable, and no one’s going to respect a rule if it’s not enforced. It’s like one of those signs that everyone sees but ignores, like ‘Please Take One’ on a candy bowl or ‘Please, NO Sculpture Fucking” at Madame Tussauds.”

o   One horrifying study, before we even got to the results of the study – DuPont and 3M wanted to compare the levels of PFAS chemicals in the bloodsreams of their factory workers against a control group of people with “clean blood,” but despite looking at a wide range of demographics across multiple continents, they couldn’t find anyone alive with clean blood. The blood they finally used for their control group were “archived” samples taken in the early ‘50s, before PFAS chemicals were used in popular products like Teflon.

o   Another great reaction, to the news that DuPont agreed to stop using the toxic C8, switched to using a different PFAS chemical, and set up a separate company to work with it – “Now, did they do that so that any legal liability wouldn’t stick to them and instead slide right off them like bugs on a Teflon tree? Who can say? Apparently not me, legally!”

o   This was the crux of the problem – “The big issue is, no matter how responsible consumers choose to be, if the factory that makes the chemical does not dispose of its waste properly, it’s likely getting into your bloodstream anyway.”

 

Monday, October 4

·        Headlines – Infrastructure bill debate, pipeline oil spill, TikTok “couch guy”

o   Great description of Congress – “They fight just as much as the Real Housewives of Atlanta, only they get less done.”

o   Trevor’s hot take on constituents who followed Sen. Kyrsten Sinema into a public restroom when she wouldn’t meet with them – “You know who really impresses me are the people who were using the bathroom while this was going on. I mean, I can’t imagine that level of focus. If a coworker tries to even talk to me at the urinal, I can’t pee for the rest of the day!”

o   On the massive oil spill off the coast of southern California – “Okay, guys, I’m no scientist, but I feel like the last thing a state that’s currently on fire needs is a wave of oil washing towards it.”

o   Ouch – “The good news is, with the price of gas right now, they’re probably going to get a lot of volunteers to clean this mess up. Yeah, people are gonna be wringing seagulls over their gas tanks like, ‘Come on! I just need enough to get to work. Come on!’”

o   People have been dissecting a viral TikTok video, speculating that a guy who reacted oddly to a surprise visit from his girlfriend is cheating on her, but Trevor gave him the benefit of the doubt – “What we need to remember here is how jarring it is to see somebody out of context. Doesn’t matter who it is, it’s gonna throw you off. Like, if my mom showed up right here right now, I wouldn’t be like, ‘Mom!’ I’d probably be like, ‘Whoa, what, Mom? Uh, what are you-? Am I in trouble?’”

·        Main Story – The Pandora Papers

o   No surprise, new documents have revealed the names of hundreds of the ultra-wealthy who use offshore accounts and shell companies to avoid paying taxes – “I’m out here on TurboTax adding up my line 9 with line 37 like a bitch when it turns out I could’ve just sent my salary to some island!”

o   Trevor thought these billionaires were putting too much work into not paying taxes – “Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to just putting your money in a big treasure chest and burying it in the sand? Let’s get back to basics, people!”

o   I loved the bit about Vladimir Putin, asking why he uses tax shelters when it’s not the “Russian IRS” is going to come after him.

o   One surprising bit of news from the documents was that not all these tax havens are in places like Bermuda and the British Virgin Islands – “Yes, thanks to its laws that are super friendly to hidden wealth, South Dakota is apparently a great place to avoid taxes. I mean, of course, the downside is when you withdraw your money it will have COVID, but downsides to everything in life!”

o   However, most of the billionaires using these tax shelters weren’t from the U.S., with experts theorizing that it’s because U.S. law already allows them to pay so little in taxes – “Not having a tax-haven problem because your tax laws are already so easy on wealthy people? That, my friends, is rock-and-roll.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – “Prove Me Wrong!”

o   Another dumb man-on-the-street bit. This time around, Dulcé made mild inflammatory declarations into a microphone (such as, “Pizza is not that great!”) and challenged people to argue with her.

o   In debating whether or not golf is a sport, I was amused by Dulcé’s response when a woman tried to make a comparison to slalom skiing – “I’m Black, I don’t know nothing about skiing.”

o   She was also delighted/horrified to come across the kind of “obviously-straight man” that she (correctly) presumed thinks he could beat the U.S. women’s soccer team.

·        Interview – Tuba player Richard Antoine White

o   After rattling off White’s prestigious list of accomplishments, including a doctorate, Trevor said, “I guess my first question is, how good do you have to get at the tuba to be a doctor of tuba?”

o   I liked White’s take on how he got through his difficult childhood, where he lived with poverty and a mom struggling with alcoholism – “I think I was blessed, the universe blessed me with an extraordinary imagination. I had to imagine a full stomach, I had to imagine a warm blanket, to the point that it was survive or not survive.”

o   The way he sees it, the three things anyone needs in life are “a chance, a choice, and a change” – “I was given a chance to make the right choices and see the kind of change that would better my life.”

o   White acknowledged the jokes everyone makes about the tuba but said he approaches the instrument with swagger anyway – “My job in orchestra is to show everyone how bad they suck at rhythm and pitch.”

o   White’s stories about going to the same school for the arts as Tupac Shakur were cool, both for the fun tidbits (“The Tupac I knew was a nerd,” “I saw him perform Shakespeare!”) and the personal details (he credited Tupac with helping him educate himself on Black history.)

Tuesday, October 5

·        Headlines – First movie shot in space, Jaguars coach partying scandal

o   Before we got into the news, I enjoyed the bit where Trevor talked about The House of the Dragon and said he’d rather have a Game of Thrones sequel where Jon Snow retires to become a weed farmer – “What’s that strain, Jon?” “It’s called Green Bastard, makes you forget your family.”

o   I laughed at the theory that the Russian film crew making the first movie in space is doing it just to get out of Russia – “Yeah, space is cold and dark, but not as cold and dark, am I right, comrade?”

o   Trevor wasn’t sure why a video of the Jaguars coach dancing suggestively with a woman in a bar would affect his ability to coach a football team – “All right, team, I drew up our next play. Now, I know it looks like a butt, but that’s only because I can’t stop thinking about touching butts!”

o   Very true – “Let’s be really honest here. The reason that he’s getting so much shit right now is because his team is 0 and 4. If this guy was undefeated, he could have eaten that person and people would be like, ‘Look, you build up an appetite when you’re winning games! Who are we to question the process?’”

·        Main Story – Religious exemptions for vaccines

o   This was branded under a new segment called “Red, White & Broken,” which I like – The idea is that it looks at parts of U.S. politics/society/law that began as a good thing but have gone on to cause more harm than good.

o   Succinct explanation – “For most of human history, religious freedom was not a thing. Most governments had a state religion, and if you don’t believe in it, you either prayed very quietly or you burned at the stake very loudly.”

o   Part of the issue here is that U.S. law defined religious belief incredibly broadly, to the point where veganism was deemed a “sincerely held religious belief” – “Yeah. You can laugh, but I can see how veganism could be considered a religion. I mean, think about it: they’re super dedicated, they follow strict rules, and they think anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs should go to hell.”

o   Good analogy – “Unfortunately, the flipside of being that tolerant is that people can take advantage of the system. It’s like how, when airlines didn’t define what an emotional support animal was, at first you had genuinely traumatized people bringing their pets on the plane. But then before long, I was fighting an alligator for an arm rest!”

o   Trevor and I had the same reaction to seeing video footage of Dr. Fauci during an antivaxxer-driven measles outbreak in 2018, urging people to protect their children against this “entirely preventable situation” – “Oh man, poor Dr. Fauci. This guy has spent his entire career trying to convince people that dying from disease is bad.”

o   But while the number of people claiming religious exemptions to vaccines has skyrocketed, everyone from the Pope to the Dalai Lama have come out in favor of them – “Think of how crazy it is to have all the major religions saying there’s no religious objection to the vaccine. These guys don’t agree on anything!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Education on the clitoris

o   Michael spoke with the woman responsible for getting clitoral anatomy improved in multiple medical textbooks. He was shocked at her model of the entire organ – “That looks like a coat hanger with balls!”

o   She spoke of the dire importance of med students being taught accurate information on the clitoris, as she herself suffered harm during a surgery because her doctor was ill-informed on female anatomy – She cited disparity in textbooks as a major driver of this, saying, “As an example, Medscape provides 57 times as many words on the penis as on the clitoris.”

o   During a “reenactment” of her mission to improve these textbooks, the show mocked up one diagram that just said, “Clitoris – no idea what’s going on here ¯\_()_/¯”

·        Interview – Technology ethicist Tristan Harris

o   Harris discussed the harm of social media and the importance of changing current practices – In talking about whistleblower Frances Haugen, he said, “It’s not just that the harms in The Social Dilemma are true, it’s that Facebook know that they are harming teenage mental health. They know that they drive anorexia and body dysmorphia and eating disorders in children. They know that it drives political parties in Europe, India, Poland, Taiwan, Spain, to go more negative and divisive. So the key of the whistleblower’s insights is that they know that it’s sort of harming society, but they don’t change because they still prioritize profits over safety.”

o   We looked at how social media algorithms that try to maximize user engagement achieve that by showing them the posts that will make them the most angry, which then ripples out into society/politics – “The more it polarizes citizens, the more it forces politicians to actually cater to a more extreme base that never resolves- they never get synthesis.”

o   Trevor asked if the answer is for the government to severely restrict and regulate everyone’s internet use, as is done in China, but Harris argued that our only options aren’t “catastrophe” (the U.S.) or “dystopia” (China.)

o   Harris particularly stressed the impact that this divisiveness and misinformation has on politics, urging Congress to treat it like a genuine crisis and legislate accordingly – “This is like information warfare that blows up the functioning of Congress. It’s almost like an EMP attack on culture and our ability to make functional democracy.”

Wednesday, October 7

·        Headlines – New York public library system drops late fees, Black Virginia family harassed by neighbors, Meghan Trainor’s home décor revelation

o   Trevor was a little thrown by the idea of library late fees in the first place – “It’s weird, right? Librarians are the nicest, gentlest people in the world, and then they just spring on you! It’s like, ‘Enjoy The Cat in the Hat, sweetie, and have it back by Tuesday or I will f**king drown you in debt!’”

o   I liked this reaction to the racist/harassing neighbor – “Honestly, I actually find this kind of racism so baffling. Because this guy may be playing loud music and noises to harass his neighbors, but he’s the one closest to the music and the loud noises. Like, is your racism really worth it if you can’t even have a conversation in your own house?”

o   Very true – “I’m sorry, man, but the police claiming that they can’t do anything? That’s such bullshit! Why don’t they use one of those vague laws that they charge Black people with all the time like ‘disturbing the peace’ or ‘your house has a broken tail light, sir.’”

o   Like so many, Trevor was perplexed by the notion of Meghan Trainor and her husband having side-by-side toilets in their bathroom – “Honey, I just booked a couples dump for later tonight, and I hope to see you there!”

o   This made me laugh – “I only poop the normal way: next to a stranger, with a one-inch wall between us, how God intended.”

·        Main Story – Build Back Better bill negotiations

o   Great line – “Money: it’s why you used to leave dead teeth under your pillow like a psychopath.”

o   Another sketch in lieu of a regular story (I wonder if Trevor’s like, “I’ve done enough commentary on this congressional infighting. Until you guys get it figured out, you’re only getting goofy comedy bits on it!) – This one, highlighting the “go to your corners” nature of the partisan divide in Congress, featured Trevor attempting to moderate a debate between his two “identical brothers,” ultra-liberal Trey and super-conservative Trevarious. I enjoyed it more than the gossipy talk-show host bit he did previously.

o   I did chuckle at the greeting exchanged between Trevarious and Trevor – “Glad to be here, cuck.” “I am not a cuck, but thank you.”

o   Trey’s response to Trevarious’s handwringing over the cost of the reconciliation bill – “I’m not taking counting advice from the guy who thinks Trump won by 97 jabrillion votes!”

o   This was a fun exchange, arguing over Trey’s call to tax the rich – “Motherf**ker, you’re rich!” “Do not call me the R-word. I am upper, upper middle class, okay?”

o   This made me laugh too – “Oh, so now you care about Miami? You told me you wanted to saw off Florida into the ocean!” “I didn’t say that, I just tweeted a gif of Bugs Bunny doing that. It’s completely different! It’s a joke.”

·        Remotely Educational – How Hollywood works

o   Truth – “The filmmaking process begins with a writer’s idea for a new story. The writer toils day and night to turn that idea into a script. The studio then throws away the script and greenlights the reboot of an older idea.”

o   Good point – “Now that the movie is cast, it’s time to go into production, in Atlanta! Where tax advantages and lower wages attract all of Hollywood’s left-wing executives.”

·        Interview – Activist Monica Lewinsky

o   Lewinsky, talking about the new documentary she produced on pubic shaming, has described herself as “Patient Zero” of the phenomenon.

o   Asked why she would wade back into this subject after everything she went through in the ‘90s, Lewsinky said, “After graduate school, I realized that I couldn’t run away from what happened. I had to integrate it, and I had to do a lot of work around that.”

o   This was a good point from Trevor – “There was a world where it’s celebrities, or people who are in some status position, who will be shamed. But because of social media, it is only inevitable that everybody will achieve some level of ‘celebrity’ that will then enable them to be shamed on the same level.”

o   Trevor also had this to say, noting that he has experience being both the shamed and the shamer – “When you’re in the mob, though, there’s a disconnect between you and the human. And so you don’t even realize the size of the pebble that you are throwing because it gets combined with everyone else.”

o   This was an interesting insight from Lewinsky – “That is one of the really emotionally-devastating experiences of having a shaming like that, is that feeling, the irony of being so seen and not being seen at all for who you truly are.”

Thursday, October 8

·        Headlines – Former NBA players indicted for fraud, mismanagement from millennial mafia, Twitch data breach

o   I laughed at Trevor’s take on former NBA players defrauding their health benefits by claiming treatment/procedures they never had – “Why are we surprised? Pretending to be hurt is a huge part of playing in the NBA!”

o   This was a good bit from the millennial-mafia story – “Okay, okay, fair criticism. I understand that texting makes it way easier to get caught doing crimes, but here’s my question. As a millennial, I would like to know, what else are we supposed to do, huh? Talk on the phone? Yo, I’ll take life in prison over that shit any day!”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Repair restrictions

o   We opened this story with news that there’s a federal investigation into why McDonald’s ice cream machines are constantly broken – “And now the feds are going after McDonald’s. Which, by the way, is the most American headline of all time.”

o   This crux of the piece was looking at how manufacturers like Apple ensure that only they can repair their own products, while charging upwards of ten times what a third-party repair shop would – “How can electronics cost that much to take apart? Most of them were put together by children!”

o   We looked at different ways tech companies make their products harder for anyone else to repair, like inventing a new kind of screw that can’t be addressed with any standard screwdriver or refusing to share instruction manuals – “Just think: at this point, it is harder to break into a phone than a Capitol building.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Desi) – “Foxsplaining”

o   The joke is always the same, but I do enjoy these “Desi ODs on Fox News” bits – “Without Fox News, I wouldn’t know that Hillary Clinton showered in baby blood or that Planned Parenthood invented Benghazi with George Soros and the Teletubbies at the Venezuelan BET awards!”

o   I liked the frantic lis of questions she rattled off, including, “Why is Common at the White House?!” and, “Why is Obama playing basketball with the Qur’an?”

·        Correspondent Piece (Ronny) – Autumn

o   The gimmick here was that “the network” foisted a fall-pastimes segment on Ronny to make him more likable, but because he’s Ronny, he couldn’t hide his disdain for all things autumn.

o   Naturally, Ronny hates pumpkin spice and the increasing number of products bearing its scent, including toilet paper and face masks – “You don’t need to review toilet paper, okay? Does it wipe the poop off your butt? Yes? 5 stars!”

o   I loved Ronny’s description of apple picking – “Fruit picking is a job no one wants nine months of the year, and then suddenly you’re cosplaying as an underpaid farm worker?”

o   Great line – “Why would anyone willingly enter a corn maze? At worst, you get murdered by demon children. At best, you get stuck talking to a baseball ghost.”

·        Interview – Rapper/Author Logic

o   Logic discussed his new memoir, which talks about his tumultuous upbringing.

o   While Logic went down a different path than most of his family, he acknowledged that he wasn’t immune to harmful influences – “Of course you want to be loved. Which also goes into even, like, gang life, right? There’s a reason that these young men and women turn to a group that, even though they may be involved in criminal activity, it’s like, well, they don’t have love from home. But here’s a group of people they can call a family.”

o   He shared an anecdote about his mother’s “Mary Magdalene” phase (which only extended to her wardrobe, not her religious devotion) – “So she’s basically like Mother Teresa but, like, on drugs, at least not for this section, and she would literally go to the consignment store, find duvet covers and sheets, and she was walking around kind of looking like a nun.”

o   Logic talked about how the writing process helped in healing some of the scars from that part of his life – “I think in many ways, poetically, I was able to leave that chapter of my life, like in this book.”

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