Sunday, September 12
· Recap of the Week – Texas abortion law
o Before we got into the serious stuff, I loved John’s ode to the armadillo, one of three official Texas mammals – “For starters, it looks like a possum from Medieval Times.”
o Good clip of even TMZ breaking down how draconian the new Texas law is – I appreciated, “What the fuck? Congratulations, Texas, you just broke TMZ!”, with the addendum, “That guy in shorts shouldn’t have to talk about fetal viability.”
o No surprise that John had all sorts of scathing fury for Gov. Abbott’s claim that there was no need to make exceptions in the law for rape or incest, in part because “we’re going to arrest all rapists off the streets” – I especially liked, “You’re declaring, ‘Let’s arrest rapists!” as if it’s a new idea, like you’re Tim Cook revealing a new iPhone.”
o John wasn’t impressed with parent company AT&T sidestepping the issue – “Not taking a stance on this issue right now is taking a stance.”
· And Now This – Pumpkin spice season
o Our annual bit – “The season of pumpkin spice grows longer and more fragrant each year!!!”
o I loved, “Shove it all into my wretched lung so that I might breathe deliciously!!!”
· Main Story – Alexander Lukashenko
o Yeesh, Belarus’s president, who (proudly?) declared himself “the last and only dictator in Europe” – we looked at Belarus’s fixed election and Lukashenko’s general terribleness, from his bigoted beliefs to his mishandling of COVID to his inhumane treatment of dissents.
o The clip of him denying the existence of COVID at a crowded hockey game bordered on parody – “Do you see any [viruses] flying around?”
o John demonstrated how Lukashenko touts a “man of the people” image through humble-looking photo shoots – I loved the comment about one where he’s “harvesting potatoes while dressed like Chef Boyardee at an orgy.”
o I loved this line – “Lukashenko treats antisemitism like fashion treats low-rise bell-bottom jeans: he keeps bringing it back even though it was never welcome in the first place.”
o Because protesters are punished so harshly, some dissidents have staged protests with posed stuffed animals, and naturally, John was all over that. I especially loved his reaction to one protester who parachuted teddy bears holding pro-democracy slogans out of a plane – “Why did we even invent planes if we’re not going to use them to drop teddy bears out of them and improve everybody’s day? I don’t understand the society we’ve built for ourselves!!”
o Savage response to one dissident’s hanging that “hasn’t yet been proven” to be a political murder – “I’m not sure what species of trees are native to Ukraine, but I’m pretty sure none of them naturally have Belarusian dissidents hanging from them.”
Monday, September 13
· Headlines – 20th anniversary of 9/11, Taco Bell recycling initiative
o I liked Trevor’s remarks on looking back at 9/11 – “I know it was a somber occasion, but personally, I found it uplifting as well, you know? It’s actually inspiring to remember how things can be when people all come together with a single purpose to help each other.”
o Yikes – “Only Rudy can spend a 9/11 anniversary talking about the time he hung out with Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged pedophile friend. You know your speech is going off the rails when the people watching are like, ‘I wish this guy would talk more about 9/11, what is he doing?’”
o Great comment on Trump, who spent 9/11 commentating a boxing match – “How is this his life? How is he doing this? You know, sometimes I think Donald Trump is just a Make-a-Wish kid who never died.”
o Taco Bell wants people to send in their old sauce packets to be recycled. I loved this bit – “People who eat at Taco Bell don’t care about the environment. They don’t care about their own bodies! Polar bears are concerned about them.”
· Main Story – New vaccine mandates
o Good grief only 63% of eligible Americans are vaccinated, what the frak are we doing?
o I liked Trevor’s take on Biden’s aggressive new COVID policies – “This is actually what America needs, you know? America should say the new law is every president has to be at least 90 years old and knocking on death’s door. Yeah, just making policies like they’re crossing shit off their bucket list. ‘I don’t care about reelection! I’m doing what I said!’”
o Good bit about Biden’s vaccine mandates serving the goal of getting people back to work/revitalizing the economy, which is what the GOP and Republican governors claim they want – I loved, “What? No, no, we only wanna do it in a way that screws poor people!”
o This was an interesting point, about convincing people to get vaccinated – “What makes that difficult, and what everyone has to acknowledge, is that there’s one reason to get a vaccine. There’s only one reason to get the vaccine, and that’s to not get COVID and go to hospital. But people who don’t want the vaccine, they have, like, 5,000 reasons they don’t want to take it, you know? Some people say there’s not enough research on it. Some people are hesitant because they’re worried about the side effects. Some people are hesitant because they think they’re healthy enough to handle it on their own. Some people think there’s a microchip in it where people can track you!”
· Correspondent Piece (Roy) – COVID variants
o Trevor and Roy navigated the uncertain terrain of interacting in person, with Trevor offering a fist-bump and Roy responding with a queen wave.
o I liked their discussion over having to wear masks again due to the latest wave – I especially liked Roy’s, “My goatee thinks I’m ashamed of it!” and Trevor’s, “People don’t realize that dimples gotta breathe!”
o Same, Roy, Same – “I be watching them COVID numbers like the stock market every morning!”
o Roy argued that variants aren’t exclusive to virus – “After letting Trump run around for four years […] we got variants: we got Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz all up in our face.”
o They looked at how any problem, from climate change to Kanye West, can develop “variants” if left unchecked – “If you let a thing get out of hand, then that’s it.”
· Interview – Dr. Anthony Fauci
o Dr. Fauci acknowledged the complexity of the task still ahead of the U.S. in raising the vaccination rates – “People who don’t want to get vaccinated are not a homogenous group. They have different reasons why they don’t want to get vaccinated. Some of them just need more information. Some of them have understandable suspicions about how quickly things were done. And some of them just need a little coaxing.”
o However, he was also very cognizant of the way that politics has disrupted his work in combating a public health crisis – “Many of them are really opposed for ideological reasons. Because it’s no accident, when you look at the undervaccinated states and those places where you’re having surges of virus, more so than any other part of the country, it’s very heavily weighted toward red states as opposed to blue states. And that really shouldn’t be, Trevor!”
o Quoted for truth – “The common enemy is the virus. There shouldn’t be the divisiveness that we’re seeing.”
Tuesday, September 14
· Headlines – The Met Gala, California recall election, research to resurrect the woolly mammoth
o I liked Trevor’s comments on Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala look – “I don’t care what everybody says. You know you killed the game when you can step out covered head to toe and everyone still recognizes you! Shit, I don’t even recognize some of my friends when they’re wearing a mask, but Kim Kardashian climbed up the stairs looking like a video game character you haven’t unlocked yet, and we’re all like, ‘I’d know that shape anywhere! It’s Kim!’”
o Trevor reminded us of the Met Gala’s importance as a fundraiser to keep admission free for NYC residents – “You can’t be charging people to look at art. Have you seen art? It’s weird! It’s all, like, naked pictures of angel babies and twisted metal and people looking at that stuff going, ‘Oh yes, I see.’ I’m not paying for that shit!”
o Trevor thought that challenger Larry Elder’s move to preemptively call California’s recall election fraudulent could backfire if he wins – “As the new governor, I would like to say that this is some bullshit! I shouldn’t be up here. Lock me up!”
o Reasonable point about bringing back the woolly mammoth – “If the planet is warming, why would you bring back the one animal that wears a giant sweater?”
· Main Story – Nicki Minaj’s vaccine comments
o I liked this impression of the guy who had the story of his swollen balls, impotence, and broken-off engagement (allegedly due to the vaccination) shared with the world because his friend happens to be Nicki Minaj’s cousin – “‘But I told you I was gonna tell my cousin Nicki in America.’ – ‘You didn’t tell me your cousin was Nicki Minaj!’”
o Great descriptor of Meghan McCain – “Former cohost of The View and inventor of the phrase ‘do you know who my father is?’”
o Great bit – “Nicki responded with, ‘Eat shit you,’ which I know sounds harsh, but please don’t forget, people, Nicki Minaj is a rapper, all right? She makes diss tracks for a living. ‘Eat shit you’ is basically a rapper’s way of saying, ‘Let’s agree to disagree.’ It’s actually quite courteous in the rap community.”
o Trevor rightly noted that people’s claims that they need to “do their own research” often just means Googling until they find enough articles/posts to affirm their decision. I also appreciate his point that, for a number of Minaj’s millions of followers, her story about her cousin’s friend’s balls will be their “research.”
o However, Trevor was hesitant to paint Minaj as an anti-vaxxer – “Anti-vaxxers think all vaccines are evil. They think all vaccines take your DNA and hide it behind your liver so your body can’t find it. But if you take Nicki at her word, or anyone who wants more information for that matter, instead of crucifying them to prove how righteous we are, let’s show them the research.”
o In addition to being to best way to protect ourselves and others against COVID, it turns out the vaccine is also “a great way to find out if your fiancée only loves you because of your regular-sized testicles.”
· Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Reduced sperm counts in the U.S.
o It was an easy joke but I laughed at “spermageddon.”
o The expert Dulcé talked to described lowered sperm counts as a “canary in the coal mine” for the effects of toxic chemicals on our bodies, as well as the environment at large.
o This was a good explanation on how these chemicals (a byproduct of plastics) lower sperm counts – “They trick our body into thinking they’re our hormones, like our testosterone or estrogen. And when our body gets tricked that way, it doesn’t carry out its reproductive functions.”
o This made me laugh out loud – “Is anybody doing penis-size research, because I have a lot of data to contribute.”
o Loved this bit – “Okay, so you’re telling me that there are companies that are making products that are poisoning their customers? I mean, why would they do that? …I’m just playing. It’s capitalism; they hate all of us.”
· Interview – Actress/Author Gabrielle Union
o Union and Trevor opened by chatting about the Met Gala. Union said she had fun but was worried about walking up the long steps in her restrictive gown and high heels – “I was walking like Gollum!”
o Union has a new book of essays out, and Trevor asked her about why she chose to be so vulnerable in telling her stories – “Through radical transparency, you breed community.”
o This isn’t a new idea, but Union stated it beautifully – “We’re all suffering in our own way, but we suffer in silence because we think we’re alone. No one else in the world could possibly be feeling what I’m feeling. No one else in the world could understand the pain that I am in. Except that’s not true. And it’s because we don’t talk about it.”
o Her discussion of choosing surrogacy after years of fertility struggles made my heart hurt – “I felt like a loser. I felt like a failure. I felt like my body had failed me, I had failed me, and I had failed Dwayne and he deserved someone better than me.”
Wednesday, September 15
· Headlines – Study on Instagram’s effects on mental health, LAPD ordered to collect social media handles during encounters, research on “potty-training” cattle
o Valid take on the Instagram bit – “And by the way, you wanna know how I first realized something was up? It’s when I started getting targeted ads for apps to calm your mind and help you unplug. I mean, that’s basically the algorithm staging an intervention.”
o This made me smile – “Nobody wants to give their social media handles to cops! Maybe except for influencers. They’ll probably start robbing banks just to get followers. ‘Oh no, officer, you caught me! #FollowAndSubscribe!’”
o Good line – “People don’t go on Twitter to get arrested; they go on Twitter to get canceled!”
o I loved this whole thing – “For real, though, this is crazy news, not just that cows can use a toilet but that it only takes them two weeks to learn how to do it. Like, it changes my perspective on cows completely. Like, what else can cows do if we just give them a chance? These mother f**kers can probably read and we’ve just been jerking off their nipples.”
· Main Story – U.S. drone strike in Afghanistan
o Trevor had the perfect reaction to the claim that, despite the fallout, this was still a “righteous strike” – “Okay, maybe we have different dictionaries. But if you kill one guy who you’re still not sure was a terrorist but you definitely killed seven kids, I don’t think ‘righteous’ is the word I would use.”
o This was powerfully stated – “We just observed the twentieth anniversary of 9/11, and what did we say? ‘Never Forget,’ which is a powerful and necessary sentiment, and it’s true. I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget hearing the phone calls from that day. I’ll never forget seeing the towers fall. I was in South Africa, I was a child, and I will never forget that day. But if I’m honest, I think we need to expand what ‘Never Forget’ means. I think we should also never forget how easily our fear can drive us to do horrible things to other human beings.”
o Speaking the truth – “If you’re killing more civilians than the Taliban, what’s the point of being there?”
o Trevor really drilled down on the fact that the Afghanistan war dragged on for so long while mostly existing outside of many Americans’ notice/attention – “That’s not what wars are supposed to feel like. A war should be something that is impossible to ignore.”
o But for people who “[aren’t] swayed by emotional arguments like ‘bad to kill children,’” we were reminded that the Afghanistan war cost approximately $300 million a day for 20 years – “Think about it: for the last 20 years, Americans have been fighting hard about where to find money for healthcare, for education, for infrastructure. In fact, half of the reason Americans hate each other is because they’re always fighting about money.”
· Correspondent Piece (Desi) – History of beliefs about labor
o Great opening line – “Childbirth: it’s like 3-D printing a person.”
o The piece basically looked at the history of men dictating how women give labor, despite not really understanding labor – Plato, for instance, “thought the womb could literally wander around the body like one of those DVD screensavers.”
o Plenty of horror factoids here, like chainsaws originally being invented to assist with delivery (how?!) and studies on “unnecessary C-sections being pushed on women just to work around a doctor’s lunch break.”
· Interview – NBA player Carmelo Anthony
o Anthony was there to talk about his new memoir – Asked why he chose to focus on his childhood instead of his career, he said, “I think people already know that side of the story. They know the basketball story, they know the business side of Carmelo Anthony. But they don’t know what it took to get to that point.”
o Anthony noted that he didn’t look on his upbringing as hard/a struggle at the time – “I didn’t look at it as difficult when I was going through it. It was just life.”
o I enjoyed the story about how he didn’t like his name when he was a kid and how he went by “Tyrone Johnson” at school, until he got in trouble and his mom didn’t know why they were calling her about some kid named Tyrone.
Thursday, September 16
· Headlines – School bus driver shortage
o I was disappointed in this bit. The story was interesting – one state resorting to activated the National Guard to drive buses, and others paying parents to drive their kids to/from school – but all the jokes were in service to a silly bit about Anderson .Paak becoming the show’s new “one-man band” who couldn’t quite get the hang of a punchline cymbal-crash. As such, they never really talked about the bus driver shortage.
· Main Story – Continued Nicki Minaj uproar
o So true – “Can we just appreciate for a moment how crazy Dr. Fauci’s life has become? I mean, for the first 78 years of his life, he was just minding his own business, decades working a lab, trying to fight diseases. And now, in the space of 2 years, he’s had to stop Trump from drinking bleach, convince Americans he’s not trying to microchip them, and now he’s weighing in on some Trinidadian guy’s balls?!”
o Trevor had his doubts that Nicki Minaj was actually invited to the White House – “Usually someone gets an invite to the White House for, like, winning a gold metal or saving their entire platoon, you know? Not for tweeting about their cousin’s friend’s scrotum.”
o However, Trevor assumed the whole thing was a miscommunication, given that Nicki Minaj and the White House don’t really speak the same lingo. I loved the impression of Biden trying to decipher a Minaj track – “Can somebody call Kamala to come help me with this?”
o We also looked at Trinidad’s response to this viral tweet and the resulting fallout. Trevor loved the response from a morning show host – “Can we all agree that from now on, impotence can only be referred to as a ‘flat tire’?”
o Fun reaction to Trinidad’s health minister dispelling Minaj’s vaccine misinformation – “One thing you gotta love about the Caribbean, though, is how the people there can politely cuss you out without using a single swear word. ‘Cause he seemed chill, but he was telling her off, you know? Probably the most dignified telling-off I’ve ever heard from a government official. It made me feel ashamed, and I had nothing to do with it!”
· Interview – Trinidad Health Minister Terrence Deyalsingh
o Deyalsignh was there to set the record straight for everyone in the Trinidad and Tobago diaspora – “In those million doses we’ve administered to date, there have only been five cases of adverse events, all of them reported to WHO.”
o His message – “Get vaccinated to save your life, so we can get back to our Caribbean way of life.”
o I appreciated this sentiment from Trevor – “I know that everything has become a joke these day, but I hope that everyone remembers that, for Trinidadians, this is a very real thing, right? Trinidad is a real place, real people that are going through a very real pandemic right now, one that has decimated the economy like many countries in the world.”
· Correspondent Piece (Desi) – “Foxsplaining” vaccine mandates
o As usual, some fun lines in Desi’s Fox News-fueled ranting – I loved, “This is red Korea, times apartheid, plus Cuba, divided by the Civil War!”
o This cracked me up – “Also, what about natural immunity? Science shows the best way to not get COVID is to get COVID. Read a medical study!”
· Interview – Actor LeVar Burton
o I loved this – “I know I’m here to tell stories. I know that’s part of why I’m here.”
o Burton had a great summation of his career, describing it as a spectrum from Roots to Star Trek, with Reading Rainbow in the middle – “I’ve been able to represent the Black experience from slavery to the future and everything in-between, and what an honor that is.”
o He credited his mom and her example as the inspiration for Reading Rainbow – “I grew up in a house where reading was like breathing.”
o I really loved how clear-eyed he was about not being chosen as the next host for Jeopardy, recognizing that not getting what he wanted is actually turning out better than he could have hoped – “The opportunities that have come my way as a result of not getting that gig? I couldn’t have dreamt it up.”
o I’m always happy to add new remarks to my “guests giving Trevor love and admiration” collection, and I’m sure Trevor was thrilled to hear these words from Burton – “Trevor Noah, you are a national treasure. You are the best in the business, and what you do with your platform is really remarkable.”
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