Saturday, June 12, 2021

News Satire Roundup: June 6th-June 10th

Sunday, June 6

·        Recap of the Week – International pandemic updates

o   John has now nicknamed the white void Henry Kissinger, “because it’s white, deeply unpleasant, and at this point, I’m just mad it’s still around.”

o   Yikes, Brazil was offered 70 million vaccine doses from Pfizer and simply never got back to them – “Come on, Brazil, you can’t ghost Pfizer!”

o   Now, Brazil is hosting a massive international soccer tournament. A cartoon of an anthropomorphized coffin kicking a coronavirus-shaped soccer ball is making the rounds on Brazilian social media, which John likened to Clippy – “It’s looks like you’re about to host a soccer tournament while your death toll is sky high. Would you like to not fucking do that?”

·        And Now This – “Hot Vax Summer”

o   Mostly just a montage of pundits saying the phrase “hot vax summer” – I liked the last clip, in which one Fox Business pundit said it and tickled a second pundit so much he temporarily forgot a third pundit’s name.

·        Main Story – Asian Americans

o   John kicked off this story with the recent poll in which 42% of Americans were unable to name a single famous Asian American, despite Kamala Harris being the current vice president – For a comparison, he imagined a poll in which the top answers to “Name a famous Joe” were “What’s Joe,” “John Krasinski,” and “Joe Millionaire.”

o   John’s right – How despicable is it that 2020 made it necessary for news outlets to run stories like “No, You Can’t Get Coronavirus by Eating Chinese Food”?

o   As usual when doing a main story on race, John acknowledged his position here – “I’m fully aware that the history of white people confidently making generalizations about this subject isn’t great.” Later in the piece, in response to a clip of an Asian American noting, “We wear our race on our face,” John added, “My face is currently wearing ‘down-market colonial casual.’ I’d wear something less imperialist if I could, but I can’t.”

o   This was such a great analogy to demonstrate the importance of disaggregating data on Asian Americans, so that the needs or challenges of individual groups aren’t swallowed up within the larger averages – “It’s like looking at the median income of the Hemsworth brothers. We all know that some Hems are worth more than other Hems.”

o   The brunt of the piece was breaking down the phrase “Asian Americans are a model minority,” examining the differences in circumstances between those who immigrated pre-1965, post-1965, or who came as refugees, as well as looking at why the model minority myth is so harmful.

o   The PSA of the government putting a “cheerful face” on the end of Japanese American incarceration was so disgusting – Noting that Japanese Americans leaving the camps wouldn’t need to repay the travel money the government was giving them to get to their next destination, the voiceover guy declared, “It’s a helping hand from Uncle Sam!”

o   John was rightfully disdainful that the two white men who were convicted of murdering Vincent Chin never saw jail time, focusing on the judge’s nonspecified yet very telling remark, “These aren’t the kind of men you send to jail” – “That’s the thing about the criminal justice system at the end of the day. It’s more race art than race science.”

o   We also looked at how “the model minority myth is both a tool of white supremacy and a trap,” examining ways that Asian Americans have been lifted up for the express purpose of blaming Black people for their oppression or used as “proof” that racism doesn’t exist anymore – “Using Asian American success to downplay American racism is a trend that very much continues to this day.”

o   This was a great remark, following a clip of a young Japanese American man in the ‘70s explaining to a reporter why “a good stereotype” was still a bad thing – After the man emphasized that these stereotypes fail to recognize Asian Americans as humans or individuals, John expounded, “It’s a category. It’s a box. But the thing is, you don’t learn anything unless you bother to look inside it.”

 

Monday, June 7

·        Headlines – Jeff Bezos announces plans to go to space, Joe Manchin refuses to support voting rights bill, Nigeria’s government bans Twitter

o   Amazing joke about Jeff Bezos going to space – “When you think about it, astronauts are just workers who have to wear diapers because they don’t get bathroom breaks, so it makes total sense.”

o   Sigh – “I’ve gotta say, though, one thing Joe Manchin is really good at is making himself the most important person in the room. Because in a 50-50 Senate, you can become really powerful just by saying you might not agree with everything your party wants.”

o   This was very on point, re: Nigeria banning Twitter after it deleted a tweet from the country’s president – “Remember, when Twitter started flagging Trump’s tweets, all he did was throw a tantrum. You know he’s gotta be jealous as hell right now. ‘It’s like I’ve always said, those shithole countries, they know what they’re doing!’”

o   I love that Trevor called out the CNN anchor at the top of the Nigeria piece for introducing the story in the vein of “with all of Nigeria’s other problems, they’re cracking down on Twitter?!” His impression of an African newscaster doing the same thing to the U.S. was a thing of beauty – “America is a country plagued by school shootings, extremists, and failing infrastructure, but their government wants to raise the price of postage stamps!”

·        Main Story – Falling vaccine rates in the U.S.

o   Daily vaccination rates are down 70% from the peak in April – why is the U.S. constantly getting things so wrong with the pandemic?

o   This was a good bit, about the strong possibility that we won’t reach Biden’s goal of at least 70% of Americans getting their first dose by the 4th of July – “Honestly, I’m a little worried about how Joe Biden is gonna handle it. Because if this comes down to the wire, he’s gonna get desperate. He’s gonna be loading up the fireworks with Moderna needles!”

o   This made me laugh – “Okay, is it just me, or are the incentives getting more and more dangerous? ‘We’ll give you free alcohol, we’ll let you speed around a racetrack, hell, we’ll even throw in some guns!’”

o   Oy, cruise ships are only “strongly recommending” passengers get vaccinated, since a new Florida law would punish them for requiring vaccinations – “And let me tell you, a recommendation means nothing to a cruise ship passenger. I mean, doctors also recommend that you don’t eat seven pounds of shrimp in one sitting, and yet cruise ship passengers ignore that one every single day!”

·        Remotely Educational (Ronny) – Creative writing

o   This bit was in the same vein as the “Remotely Educational” special the show did a while back. Ronny’s “creative writing” class was all about how to lie on the Internet.

o   On lying on dating-app profiles – “Statistically speaking, you probably suck. That’s why you’ve gotta use words like ‘passionate,’ ‘adventurous,’ ‘doesn’t live with parents,’ ‘6 foot 3.’”

o   He also talked about businesses writing their own Yelp reviews – “You see, exclamation points make it seem sincere.”

·        Interview – Actor Indya Moore

o   Moore had an interesting response when Trevor asked them if they expected Pose to get the attention and critical acclaim that it has – “I don’t know. I think my entire experience navigating life as a trans person always feels like a wildcard. You don’t know how people are gonna react to you when they come to find that there’s a trans presence and that trans presence is you.”

o   Trevor brought up some of the challenges and marginalization Moore faced in their youth, and they talked about the importance of being open about their past – “The whole point in me visibilizing my story was so people could see themselves in it.”

Tuesday, June 8

·        Headlines – Harris visits Central America, investigation into COVID-19 origins, FBI creates fake app to trap criminals

o   Trevor thought that, if Harris doesn’t want asylum seekers to come to the U.S., she’d be better off trying to make America sound as unappealing as possible instead of flatly declaring, “Do not come” – “Come to America as soon as possible! But make sure you bring a water pump and some bear repellent because shit is getting real!”

o   Trevor acknowledged that the possibility of COVID-19 getting introduced to humans through a lab leak has become embroiled in conspiracy theories and linked to anti-Asian hate, but he pointed out that it was still possible – “And you have to admit, it only makes it more suspicious that China wasn’t very cooperative when the WHO tried to investigate. It’s never a good look when a government starts acting like a parent whose kid gets too close to the sex toys drawer.”

o   This line made me laugh – “If we’re gonna get the origin story for Cruella De Vil, we should at least get the origin story for coronavirus too!”

o   Great line – “Wow, this is incredible. The police have the technological skills to develop and distribute an entire covert messaging app. And yet, they still can’t figure out how to turn on a body camera!”

·        Main Story – Falling cryptocurrency prices

o   I’m always here for Trevor making fun of Trump’s language use, in this case when Trump was criticizing Bitcoin – “‘Regulate them very, very high?’ Never before has a person born and raised in America talked so much like a European guy who’s trying to blend in.”

o   Trevor theorized that Trump was only dumping on Bitcoin because he’s planning to unveil his own cryptocurrency. The impression made me laugh so hard – “It might look like a Chuck E. Cheese token and you can only use it at Chuck E. Cheese, but that’s called ‘the block-chain.’”

o   I loved this analogy, about the FBI tracking down about half the Bitcoin from the Colonial Pipeline ransomware attack – “Bitcoin without untraceability is like Superman without any powers! Now you’re just some creep with his underwear on the outside. I don’t want you catching me falling from anywhere!”

·        Interview – Comedian/Writer Gina Yashere

o   Yashere was discussing her new memoir, Cack-Handed – She explained that it’s a denigrating term for lefthanded people, synonymous with “shit-handed” (because the left hand, used in the bathroom, is considered dirty) and “awful.” Trevor was familiar with the same stigma, because as soon as Yashere said she was lefthanded,  he replied, “Oh, you’re a witch!”

o   Yashere is also the co-creator of Bob Hearts Abishola. I really liked what Trevor had to say about the show – “You also very seldom see shows where Africans are not the butt of the joke. Like, there’s comedy and there are funny things happening to these Africans, but they’re not the butt of the jokes.”

·        Interview – Former NBA player Chris Bosh

o   This was a moving quote from Bosh – “From the moment I was born, as soon as I could understand what it was, all I wanted to do was play basketball. It gave me friends, mentors, fun, all the highs and lows. That’s how I did everything, that’s how I identified myself as a person.”

o   In light of that single-minded passion, he also had some good remarks on how he coped with health issues that ended his basketball career – “One thing I learned through basketball is that you have to keep going, regardless of the circumstances. We can’t control what happens to us, right? Those are things that are out of our control, but what I can control is what my reaction is going to be to that environment. How I’m going to get up in the morning, say, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I know it’s going to be okay because now I’m going to shift to something else.’”

Wednesday, June 9

·        Headlines – Cicada mischief, new report on billionaires’ taxes, Florida high school yearbook on hold due to pages on Black Lives Matter

o   I laughed at this description of insects – “They’re like aliens that you can kill with a shoe.”

o   Great summation of billionaires paying zero income taxes – “Much like wearing cargo shorts to the Pride parade, these tax codes are both messed-up and completely legal.”

o   I loved this, in response to a complaint the the Florida high school yearbook should have included “opposing views” if it wanted to feature students marching for Black Lives Matter – “As far as know, yearbooks don’t have ‘opposing views.’ There’s no Least Likely to Succeed. You don’t have a page that says, ‘Congratulations, poetry club, on a great year!’, and then the next page says, ‘Eat shit, poetry club! Either express yourself in a narrative form or get the f**k out of here!’”

o   Amazing ending line – “Oh, and by the way, isn’t it amazing how people always tell on themselves? Because the opposing view to Black Lives Matter is not Blue Lives Matter or All Lives Matter, it’s Black Lives Don’t Matter. Yeah. If you want to see that opinion represented, you don’t need a yearbook. Just look at a history book.”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – U.S. water infrastructure

o   This cracked me up – “Water: it’s Mike Pence’s favorite soup.”

o   Yikes, 545 municipalities in the U.S. have pipes that are over 100 years old – “It’s not surprising that these pipes are falling apart because some of them have been around since the 19th century. So not only are they failing, but I’m guessing they’re probably also a little racist.”

o   Studies estimates that 30 million Americans have lead in their tap water, and there are cities in the west where nitrates from fertilizer runoff turns the water blue – “Did you see that gross blue water? I don’t care where you live, taking a bath should never turn into a surprise gender reveal.”

o   And of course there are huge racial disparities in which cities have the most crumbling water infrastructure – “Good lord. ‘The water is as brown as I am’? When people were asking for more Black representation, they weren’t talking about the water supply, I know that.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Michael & Roy) – Summer sports

o   Roy disagreed with Michael’s stance that Naomi Osaka should’ve done press at the French Open because it’s “part of the job” – “We’re not talking about the game, we’re talking about the post-game press conference. Nobody cares about that shit! Nobody has ever said anything interesting after the game. ‘I lost because I didn’t score enough points.’ There’s never been an interview where an athlete’s been like, ‘Well, I know who killed Jeffrey Epstein. Tune in after the next match to find out more!’”

o   Roy also wasn’t here for the Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul boxing match – “Dude, the Florida State Boxing Commission didn’t even sanction this fight. If the state of Florida doesn’t think your fight is legit, you know something’s up!”

·        Interview – Comedian/Actor Yvonne Orji

o   In promoting her new memoir, Orji talked about the role of religion in her life – “For me, I don’t think fun and faith are oxymorons. Like, God and I, we cool, we kicking. He get on my nerves, I get on His nerves. It’s like, it’s fine! He knows who He made!”

o   Trevor shared the opening line from Orji’s book, which made me laugh out loud –“I was born holding my mom’s IUD in my hand.”

o   Orji also reflected on the last season of Insecure and what being on that show has meant to her – “It’s very rare that you get to, as a Black female actor, work in a show that is literally created for you by folks who look like you and are supportive.”

Thursday, June 10

·        Headlines – Biden visits the U.K., National Geographic designates a fifth ocean, microscopic worm revives after 24,000 years on ice, Jeffrey Toobin returns to CNN

o   Trevor added a few new tenets to the New Atlantic Charter – “Plus, the U.K. will start producing more Harry Styleses and the U.S. will start calling soccer ‘football’ and football ‘brain ouchie time.’ Everybody wins!”

o   Good response to the U.S. donating 500 million vaccine doses around the world – “Let me be the first to say, on behalf of the international community, thank you to all you anti-vaxxers in America. The people of the world would not have these vaccines if it wasn’t for your commitment to believing whatever the dumbest guy from your middle school posted on Facebook. You guys are the real heroes!”

o   I loved Trevor’s puzzlement at how a new ocean could suddenly be “discovered” after all this time – “Was it hiding behind an iceberg or something? I don’t get how we didn’t realize this sooner! It’s like discovering that your apartment has a second kitchen under the sofa.”

o   Valid point about Jeffrey Toobin – “One thing I don’t get is when he says he’s been working in a food kitchen. I mean, like, that’s great, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t really see the connection with what he did. If anything, that’s just unfair to the people at the food kitchen!”

·        Main Story – Difficulties in returning to “normal”

o   The crux of this story was “society reopens and people act like animals in public.”

o   We saw it at sporting events – “If this keeps up, the stadium employees are going to have to start using the T-shirt cannon as an actual weapon.”

o   We saw it at retail stores – “Why the hell are people harassing and abusing store employees to begin with, huh? People in stores deserve respect. They work long hours, they help you find what you need, and on top of all of that, they tell you you can pull off that jumpsuit, which is why you pull off that jumpsuit. Because it’s all about confidence!”

o   And we saw it on airplanes – where there are normally about 150 violent incidents reported on plans every year, there have been 2,500 so far in 2021! What the hell?!

o   This made me laugh – “I’m sorry, first class gets booze but economy doesn’t, and they think that’s going to end the violence? Did no one at American Airlines see Snowpiercer?”

·        Interview – Gamer Nick Kolcheff

o   I’d never heard of Kolcheff and I’m not into esports, but just listening to his interview, I can get why he’d attract fans above and beyond his gaming talent – he was personable, entertaining, and super passionate.

o   He was thrilled to be among the first esports competitors featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated – “My whole family is deep into sports, like college sports, pro sports, serious stuff, and I’m the black sheep. So the irony of me being on Sports Illustrated as a gamer?! Oh man, it’s got my dad spinning right now.”

o   Kolcheff summed up his work like this – “I just consider myself super fortunate. I’m one of the people on planet Earth that do something everyday that I love.”

·        Interview – Actor Anthony Ramos

o   In the Heights! This movie is finally here, and I’m so excited for it! I love Ramos’s words about what the film brings to the screen – “It feels like a story celebrating life and celebrating us coming back. And not only that, a story about music and culture and this community of people who are just getting after it every single day and loving on each other in the midst of whatever hardships are thrown at them and people who are dreaming big.”

o   He had plenty of praise for Lin-Manuel Miranda, who wrote In the Heights and who Ramos of course shared the stage with in Hamilton – “I think a part of his brilliance is, number one, knowing when to lean in but also when to let go and let his collaborators do what they gotta do.”

o   Ramos also spoke about the movie as a vital piece of Latino representation – “All of us who are in this film are standing on the shoulders of so many people who didn’t have this opportunity.”

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