Saturday, November 14, 2020

News Satire Roundup: November 8th-November 12th

Sunday, November 8

·        Main Story – 2020 election

o   I laughed when John introduced election week and then added, “Or, as it’s known for horses, just another week. (Look at them, they have no clue! Hot idiots.)”

o   Great summation of all the time-killing news footage of people standing in front of smart screens while being pestered by anchors with questions – “It was essentially the equivalent of watching the security footage at a Best Buy for four straight days.”

o   We went into the Trump team’s response to all this, featuring a variety of attempts at meaningless lawsuits – I especially enjoyed the transcript of a judge asking a Trump lawyer, “So, then what’s your problem?” after the lawyer admitted that, contrary to their claim, GOP poll watchers were allowed to observe vote counts.

o   Then there was that another lawyer randomly soliciting a crowd for “concrete evidence” of voter fraud, epitomizing their “accuse now, find evidence later” approach to challenging this election.”

o   I don’t know what to say to the footage of a crowd of Trump supporters singing “We are the Champions” as the race was called for Biden. John, however, had the perfect response – “Look, I would love to make fun of that, but unfortunately, I have no time for losers.”

o   John allowed himself 30 seconds of unmitigated joy at Biden’s win/Trump’s defeat, in which he treated himself to some choice octopus facts, before giving way to his natural tendency to overanalyze – namely, that, despite Biden’s victory, over 70 million Americans still voted to reelect Trump, and we’re going to have to deal with that.

o   I appreciated John countering Biden’s repeated claim that “the ugliness Trump represents is ‘not who we are’” – he pointed out that, for most of America’s history, we’ve been just that, and Trump’s continued popularity after the last four years proves “this is very much who we are” to this day.

o   “That Get Out garden party guest” is such a great way to describe Laura Ingraham.

·        And Now This – “Dumps”

o   Just a goofy bit featuring a lot of news anchors and reporters talking about big “dumps” of counted votes in battleground state – for the 12-year-old in all of us. 

 

Monday, November 9

·        Main Story – Joe Biden wins the election

o   While Trevor enjoyed the footage of people in the streets celebrating Biden’s win, I appreciated that he included this joke – “Even coronavirus was like, ‘Aw, you guys have fun, I’m taking the day off! Naw, I’m kidding, I’m joining in. Nom, nom, nom!’”

o   I’m happy that Trump’s defeat hasn’t ended the running joke of Trevor making up names for presidents’ (and now president-elect’s) middle initials) – “Joseph Rihanna Biden.”

o   I laughed at the bit about the Secret Service being powerful against people booing Trump as his motorcade drove by – “I can protect you from a bullet, Mr. President, but only you can protect your feelings.”

o   Good response to an unexpected confetti cannon that startled Biden and Harris after their victory speeches – “Geez! That was terrifying. I don’t know about you, but when I saw that, the Black part of me in the movie theater came out and was like, ‘Get outta there, Joe! They’re trying to take you out! Kamala, get down!’”

·        Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – Kamala Harris elected Vice President

o   I loved this inclusion as one of Harris’s assets to Biden, along with her experience and the balance she adds to his administration – “As long as she’s there, Republicans are never gonna impeach him! He could straight-up sell Florida, and the GOP would be like, ‘Still can’t risk that Black lady being the president.’”

o   Good point about representation being important but that representation as a symbol shouldn’t be the be-all-end-all – “We don’t just need Kamala. We also need policies that ensure that a girl who looks like Kamala but lives in the hood also has a path to success. Just because I see someone who looks like me in a Hallmark movie doesn’t mean I get a boyfriend for Christmas!”

o   I laughed out loud as Dulcé warned us to ready ourselves for the drastic shift from Mike Pence to Harris – “This is like when your Spotify shuffle goes from Amy Grant to Cardi B. If you’re not prepared for that, you’re gonna swerve off the road!”

·        Trump’s reaction to the election results

o   I loved Trevor’s reaction to a montage of Fox News personalities and people on Trump’s team talking about voter fraud – “This was so batshit, I caught coronavirus just listening to it.”

o   Truth – “Guys, when you think about this, America’s whole system is rigged to help Donald Trump. The guy lost by 4 million popular votes and still had a chance to win the Electoral College. How does that make sense? The only person Donald Trump can be mad at is himself, because he started on third base and somehow still lost the game!”

o   Trevor thought that, if the lawyers for Trump’s election lawsuits aren’t going to be bringing meaningful evidence anyway, they could at least make it more interesting – I laughed so hard at, “Well, if Joe Biden isn’t stealing the election, then why do I have this used condom in my pocket?! I rest my case.”

o   Everything about Four Seasons Total Landscaping was golden – “Do you know how incompetent you have to be to get catfished by a landscaping business?”

·        Interview – Activist Ruby Bridges

o   In remembering her days as the first Black child to integrate a segregated school, Bridges looked back on her teacher, pretty much the only white person she encountered who wanted her to be there – “Everyday, the person that greeted me was a woman who looked like the crowd outside. I came to learn that she looked like them, but she wasn’t like them.”

o   That experience as a 6(!)-year-old child ultimately led to a life devoted to activism – “I wanted to dedicate myself to trying to teach that to kids, that racism has no place in our hearts and in our minds. And Trevor, if we’re going to get past our racial differences, it’s going to come from our kids.”

o   So sad when she said that the school she once integrated is now segregated again (only now, it’s all Black,) and that her efforts to change that have been blocked.

·        Interview – Actor Anthony Anderson

o   I laughed at Trevor’s comment about Anderson’s pandemic beard – “It looks like you’ve got my afro on your chin!”

o   I liked when Anderson talked about Black-ish fans of various races coming up to him to say, “When I see your family on the screen, I see my family.”

Tuesday, November 10

·        Pandemic News – Surges in the U.S. and Europe, Pfizer announces effectiveness of its vaccine, Biden’s pandemic plan, new White House outbreak

o   Good bit about case numbers in the U.S. being so high, they’re having to come up more shades of red for the maps – “So right now, the west is kind of blood-meets-fire-engine, but the northeast is only at pothead-eyes.”

o   With the vaccine news, Trevor pointed out that we may be experiencing sudden symptoms of hope, something we haven’t felt in quite a while – I loved the added comment, “If you’ve also lost your sense of smell, you should go to the hospital. That’s not hope.”

o   I laughed at Trevor’s reaction to Biden’s coronavirus task force – “Personally, I think it’s a weird choice to fill your task force with people who actually know what they’re doing. Like, I don’t think they even asked the MyPillow guy!”

o   Good burn – “Another outbreak?! That means coronavirus has now been in the White House longer than most of Trump’s cabinet.”

·        Main Story – Trump gains support in refusing to concede the election

o   I liked the analogy about Fox News, which has declared the race for Biden but still features hosts who tout Trump’s voter-fraud conspiracies – “It’s like when your dog wants to play fetch but then refuses to let go of the ball. Make up your mind, Fido!”

o   Cosign this response to the news that some GOP senators are backing Trump’s claim in hopes that he’ll help them with the deciding Senate races in the Georgia run-off – “Uh, yeah, that’s dangerous! Trump is screaming made-up shit that’s weakening trust in American democracy, but Republicans are going along with it so they can squeeze out a few more seats in the Senate. That’s like burning down your house just so you can make s’mores or dating Kevin Federline just so you can maybe meet Britney Spears. Is it worth it?!”

·        If You Don’t Know, Now You Know – Presidential concession speeches

o   Nice opening line – “The concession speech: it’s a time-honored tradition of U.S. politics, like kissing babies and interns without their permission.”

o   I laughed at this reaction to Jimmy Carter conceding to Reagan while west-coast polls were still open – “Okay, a guy wanting to concede that fast would actually make me suspicious of becoming president. It’s like when someone is a little too happy that you’re dating their ex.”

·        Interview – Musician Lenny Kravitz

o   Trevor made this very apt observation about Kravitz at the start of the interview – “Every time I see you, I feel like you have unlocked a cheat code in life that makes you more relaxed and more cool than any other person on the planet.”

o   Kravitz was there to promote his new memoir. Trevor asked if his close relationship with his daughter was born out of wanting to be different than his own father, and I liked Kravitz’s balanced response – “I knew what I didn’t wanna be, but the beauty was, also, I got to see him be a really wonderful grandfather.” (I also liked his lovely remarks on his mother’s relationship with his maternal grandfather and how close they were.)

o   Trevor noted that the book felt like “a love letter” to Kravitz’s mother, and the interview tracked with that – “She was an elegant, graceful, soulful human being. She never had a bad word to say about anybody. She didn’t judge people, her mind was open, she didn’t gossip. It was all about putting positive energy into the world.”

o   Kravitz talked about the importance of “disconnecting” from the rest of the world in order to reconnect with nature and just listen – “That’s when the music starts coming. I’m not writing it, I’m receiving it.”

Wednesday, November 11

·        Post-Election News – Trump blocks Biden’s transition, Trump’s refusal to concede, no evidence of election fraud

o   For Trump, Trevor listed his “stages of grief” at losing the election as “denial, rage-tweeting, undermining democracy, and back to more denial.”

o   Great line – “Joe Biden is right. Does Trump really want denying the election results to be his legacy? Because I’d rather remember him as the president who kidnapped kids and helped kill 240,000 Americans, not for this!”

o   Love – “Look, I’m sorry, Donald. This just isn’t gonna work. You can’t pretend everything’s fine when the whole, entire world saw you get fired. My n***a, if people in Bosnia know you don’t have a job, you do not have a job!”

o   I laughed at Roy’s appearance as a “whistleblower” claiming to have evidence of election fraud – “Joe Biden standing right there with a bunch of Black Panthers, and they was Xeroxing ballots.”

·        A Ray of Sunshine – A professional golfer hits a hole-in-one during PGA Masters practice round, a short-story vending machine on a college campus, a woman saves an injured swan

o   As Trevor pointed out, we need happy stories because there’s a lot of disheartening news out there – Trump’s refusal to concede, the worsening pandemic, “that tape of Baby Yoda saying the N-word… I can’t believe that was his first word!”

o   After a golfer skipped his ball across the pond and hit a hole-in-one, Trevor worried about the golfer who had to follow him – “The next guy’s gonna have to try and skip his cart across the pond!”

o   I liked Trevor’s imagining Halloween at the house of the short-story vending machine lady, who said good literature is better than candy – “Who wants Three Musketeers… by Alexander Dumas?”

o   Trevor was impressed by the fact that the woman who rescued a swan got no reaction on the subway – “Yeah, of course no one is surprised by a swan on the subway. This is New York! Last year, I got mugged by a duck!”

·        Correspondent Piece (Michael) – Mexican border town attracts American tourists looking for dental care

o   I laughed – “If I know anything about Mexico, and I don’t, it’s that their dentists are all bad hombres with chainsaws.”

o   The point, of course, came down to this – “The 74 millions Americans without dental insurance can’t afford to get their teeth did in the U.S.A. So these people are really economic refugees.”

·        Interview – Musician Halsey

o   I liked Halsey’s simple response to why she’s put out a book of poetry – “Some things you can’t sing.”

o   She had some interesting remarks about opening up about her vulnerabilities and “transgressions” – I really liked what she said about the pop icons of her youth, the polished, label-approved stars of the late MTV era, having their images dragged by the paparazzi. By being a messier, more imperfect artist from the jump, she’s taking ownership of her narrative in a way that her heroes weren’t able to do.

o   I also liked what she said about being open with her struggles around being bipolar – “I find that the conversation around mental health is very supportive in theory, but then when someone actually starts displaying symptoms, like psychosis or anxiety or depression, everyone goes, ‘Ooh, that’s a little too much! Can we go back to just talking about all the good parts, like the things you’ve overcome and how strong you are?’”

Thursday, November 12

·        Pandemic News – U.S. coronavirus surge, COVID-19 control in Africa

o   Trevor’s response to the news that they restarted cruises and a passenger immediately tested positive for coronavirus – “I think there should be more cruises. In fact, I think there should be free cruises for anyone who wants them, because those are the people who love spreading the virus! It’s better to just get them all on boats and then put them safely in the middle of the ocean and leave them there for six month. If corona doesn’t get them, the buffet will.”

o   There are states in the Midwest where the positivity rate is upwards of 50% - “So if you live in South Dakota or Iowa, look at the person to your left. Now look at the person to your right. Why are you sitting between two people; you’re gonna get coronavirus!!!”

o   I laughed at this line, about whether families should still gather for Thanksgiving –“Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about, spreading a disease that wipes out a continent?”

o   We looked at how much better many African countries are doing compared to a lot of other places in the world. There were many factors in this – proactive leadership, past experience with deadly viruses, a younger population with fewer preexisting conditions, “plus, Africans get that secret vaccine that was developed in Wakanda.”

o   Trevor pointed out that he shared this story about Africa not just to brag about his continent – “This is good news for the rest of the world. It shows that if you take precautions and you use common sense, you can limit the harm and the spread of coronavirus. So please, this is the one time it’s okay to take something Africa came up with and claim it as your own.”

·        Post-election news – Senate run-off elections in Georgia, hand recount announced in Georgia, State Department keeps Biden from receiving messages from foreign leaders, Trump’s Official Election Defense Fund

o   On the senate run-offs – “If you live in Georgia, can I just say, I am so sorry for what is about to happen in your life. You thought the texts and TV ads were bad before? Naw, man. RIP to your doorbell, because that shit is getting rung 50 times a minute!”

o   I loved this bit – “It’s also strange how election recounts are the one time people think counting by hand is better than counting by machine. There’s never any other situation where we say, ‘Okay, that’s what the calculator says, but just to double-check… 5, 6, 11, 13, uh, 25, carry the 1- all right, yeah, I think the spaceship has enough fuel. You guys can take off.’”

o   Honestly, everything about Georgia was gold – Trevor did some great impressions of the hand recounts, one of a quintessential “not in a rush” Georgian, and one of an Atlanta trap rapper brought in to count the ballots faster.

o   Of course Trump’s “election defense fund” has fine print about more than half of the donated money going towards campaign debt and personal expenses – “My man! Donald Jobless Trump. This guy never misses a hustle! I bet as we speak, he’s ripping out the copper wiring from the White House walls.”

o   Great capper to Trump’s final hustle – “I guess I owe Donald Trump an apology, because I honestly thought he could never change, but he has. The dude went from being an African dictator to a Nigerian prince.”

·        Interview – Soccer player Megan Rapinoe

o   In discussing the fight for wage parity in women’s soccer, Rapinoe took issue with the idea of making it simply about which teams sold more tickets – she highlighted the huge discrepancies in the money invested in the different leagues on the front end, saying, “By the time we get to the game, we’ve been so underinvested in and at such a disadvantage the whole time, it’s shocking that we have as much success as we do, that we’re as popular as we are! I think it’s like, let’s understand the entire picture before we just go to the very last stage and be like, ‘Well, see, no one wants to come.’”

o   I really liked what she said about how the women’s soccer equal pay fight inspired her aunt to fight for better pay at her own job.

·        Interview – Actor Forest Whitaker

o   This was an interesting observation from Whitaker about inhabiting characters – “It’s like you’ve been reincarnated everyday. You carry a little bit of it with you. The way you say that line, it came back from another life.”

o   Whitaker was the first Black Panther alum Trevor has interviewed since Chadwick Boseman’s death, and the two talked about how special Boseman’s talent and character were.

o   He was there to promote his new holiday fantasy movie Jingle Jangle, which looks sweet and fun.

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