Saturday, September 19, 2020

News Satire Roundup: September 14th-September 17th

 

Monday, September 14

·        Headlines – Conspiracy theories amid wildfires, a Florida city reverses its ban on sagging pants, a lock of Abraham Lincoln’s hair sells at auction

o   Shaking my head at the Oregon sheriff’s department trying to dispel rumors that wildfires were being started by antifa, while one of its own officers was perpetuating them – I liked Trevor likening it to “seeing Smoky the Bear bust out a flamethrower” (“only you can burn this mother f***er to the ground!”)

o   I liked the angle on the “saggy pants” story – in addition to being racially biased, “Telling people to pull up their paints is another job police shouldn’t have to do, that is a job for grandmothers! You might as well make it illegal to be too skinny ‘cause ‘you’re not eating enough!’ or pull people over because they have schmutz on their face.”

o   Trevor warned that not all past presidents’ hair would fetch the price that Lincoln’s did – “Getting Donald Trump’s hair at an auction 200 years from now just sounds like the start of a really strange horror movie.”

·        Pandemic News – Anti-mask rally outside a Utah school, case clusters linked to college parties, Trump holds an indoor rally

o   That anti-masker seriously invoking George Floyd as a reason not to wear a mask?! Yeesh.

o   Trevor put it well – “That video is the closest thing I’ve seen to Facebook comments happening in real life.”

o   I had the same reaction as Trevor to the police body cam footage of a COVID-positive student shrugging off having 20 visitors at his off-campus house because, per quarantine rules, he’s “staying home” – a bone-deep sigh of exhaustion, followed by, “We are so screwed.”

o   I also liked this aside – “By the way, watching this police officer’s body cam footage was like playing a virtual reality game called White Privilege. Because this kid was clearly breaking the law, but the cop’s tone of voice sounded more like he was telling him today’s specials.”

·        Montage – Trump being “America’s Cheerleader”

o   Featuring an extensive collection of clips of Trump talking about how everything in America is falling apart.

·        Correspondent Piece (Dulcé) – The history of Black hair in America

o   I laughed at Trevor’s intro – “Let’s talk a little about Black people’s hair. You know, the thing we don’t want white people to touch because it’ll give them superpowers.”

o   Dulcé topped off her rant about hair straightening with, “Not to mention all the chemicals you gotta use! Breaking Bad doesn’t have anything on Breaking Brandy.”

o   Strong line – “The only way Black hairstyles found cultural acceptance was on white people’s heads.”

·        Interview – Author Mychal Denzel Smith

o   In discussing Smith’s new book, Trevor clarified Smith’s stance on the election – “Are you arguing that basically Donald Trump has been so extreme that now someone like Biden coming in and saying, ‘I’m gonna bring you normal,’ seems like a left or a radical policy when in fact he’s just proposing, like back to the norms?”

o   Smith was concerned that the platform of the Biden campaign wasn’t enough to get us where we need to be before the climate crisis becomes unsustainable, especially given the last four years with Trump.

o   Trevor pushed Smith on a number of his ideas – Trevor pointed out that, with the electoral college, Biden can’t afford to run on a platform that’s too far left if he’s going to win the election, but Smith didn’t feel like simply “win the election” was a big enough end in itself.

o   Similarly, Trevor talked about helping Biden secure victory and then pushing his policies further left, while Smith feared that Biden wouldn’t have any incentive to listen to voices for change once he’s won, getting what he wanted in the first place.

Tuesday, September 15

·        Headlines – Evidence of life on Venus, Hurricane Sally, Biden and Trump’s opposing views on climate change

o   Great observation – “What’s crazy to me is that even though we’re seeing the effects of climate change every single day, there are still tons of people in this country who are like, ‘I don’t know if it’s real, and even if it is, I’m not really afraid of it.’ What’s funny is that those are the same people who are like, ‘A Muslim family moved into my neighborhood?! What is their secret plan?!’”

o   The video of Trump at a panel on the wildfires, cavalierly saying, “It’s gonna start getting cooler, just you watch,” to the expert who’s pleading with him to help on climate change, made my blood boil. That’s why Trevor’s condescending response was perfect – “Mr. President, you’re right. It will start getting cooler. That’s called winter. Gold star!” (The huge grin and double thumbs-up were just gravy.)

o   Also very satisfying was watching the Fox News hosts balk at the idea of Trump calling in every single week – “Imagine that: he’s the most powerful man in the world, and they’re treating him like a Jehovah’s Witness who’s also selling time shares.”

·        Main Story – Traveling during the pandemic

o   Trevor had plenty of obvious-but-fun jokes in response to the news that motels have become more popular than hotels during the pandemic – I especially liked the bit about listening to the drug deal in the next room (“I think that’s a pretty fair price for 10 kilos, Mr. Scorpion! Please just take it!” and, “COVID can’t get you if you get stabbed in the parking lot first!”

o   I laughed at Trevor calling COVID-19 “the most bougie disease,” noting its preference for cruise ships, restaurants, and fitness classes – “Basically, like anywhere where there’s vitamin water.”

o   Trevor side eyed someone referring to RVs as “a great way to keep your family together” – “Is that really the problem right now? Like, who’s out there saying, ‘Guys, I love that we’re spending every waking moment together, but what if we could do it in an even smaller space?’”

o   The world map of all the countries that won’t allow Americans to enter due to our COVID numbers was stark, and Trevor had an excellent response – “I think most Americans don’t even realize how much they’ve messed up a good thing. You guys are so used to being able to travel to any country at any time, no questions asked. That’s not what it’s like for most people in the world.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Roy & Michael) – Sports news

o   I loved this joke, about fans booing NFL players during a moment of unity, even though the protest wasn’t during the national anthem and that’s what people have been claiming their problem is with sports protests – “I think the fans just don’t like what the players are protesting about.” “No, that can’t be it. Maybe it’s their economic anxiety!”

o   I laughed at, “If you’re gonna break a quarantine, doing it with a COVID tester is the right person to do it with. It’s like getting hit by an ambulance. Everything you need is right there.”

·        Interview – Actor/activist Mark Ruffalo

o   It seems that a lot of entertainers on the show have had the word “activist” in their intros or under their name lately. Granted, a lot of actors are activists, and lots of people are very socially involved at the moment, but it occurs to me that this might also be reflective of the pandemic – hardly any actors have new projects to promote, so virtually the only things they come on the show to talk about right now are social justice causes and politics!

o   As a Kenosha native, Ruffalo talked about the Jacob Blake shooting and the resulting protests, standing up for his city and pushing back against the more sensationalist news coverage

o   When talk came around to the election, Ruffalo had the opposite stance from Mychal Denzel Smith the night before – he said, “The election is really only a comma on a movement,” and asked “which candidate is gonna bring us closer” to racial justice, climate reform, universal healthcare, and more, urging progressives to get Biden into the White House first and then push his policies further left.

Wednesday, September 16

·        Headlines – Breonna Taylor’s family reaches a settlement with the city of Louisville, celebrities freeze their Instagram accounts to tell Facebook “Stop Hate for Profit”

o   Great point – “The thing that’s also messed up about these settlements is that it’s never paid by the police who did something wrong. It’d paid by the city, which means taxpayers are being punished for the crimes that are committed against them.”

o   While Trevor applauded the police reforms specified in the settlement, he also rued the heavy cost that led to them, arguing that police should be enacting these reforms on their own before they’re sued by the family of someone they killed – “The time to install a smoke detector is not while your house is on fire.”

o   Trevor agreed that celebrities freezing their Instagram accounts is a small gesture, he welcomed anything to draw attention to misinformation and hate speech/radicalization online – “Next to climate change and income inequality, online toxicity could become one of the things that rip our society apart.”

·        Election News – Joe Biden plays “Despacito” at a campaign event for Latinx voters, Trump’s ABC town hall

o   Joe Biden, “your favorite politician ever, for the next 48 days!”

o   Trevor placed the “Despacito” clip in its proper context, in which Biden was acknowledging Luis Fonsi, who introduced him, rather than simply making a cheap pandering attempt.

o   Same, Trevor – “Why is the president of the country with one of the highest corona death rates in the world still giving people room to doubt masks?! It’s so weird because Trump’s followers will do anything he says, so why doesn’t he just tell them to wear masks?”

o   I loved, “Yeah, Trump has a good point! Why hasn’t Joe Biden instituted a national mask mandate? And don’t say, ‘It’s because he’s not the president and doesn’t have any power.’ That’s not an excuse!”

o   Trevor’s theory when it comes to Trump blaming Biden for the failures of his own administration? – “He’s slowly trying to Jedi mind trick America into thinking that Biden has been president this whole time.”

·        Correspondent Piece (Lewis) – Tips for NYC “suburban refugees” during the pandemic

o   One of Lewis’s rules was “no walking” – “The only people out walking in the suburbs are hikers and drug dealers, and you don’t wanna be mistaken for a hiker!”

o   I got a kick out of this line – “Forget sports cars: a clean, well-measured lawn is how people in the suburbs measure their dicks!”

·        Interview – Sen. Jon Tester

o   Trevor asked how Tester, a former teacher and school board member, would approach schooling during the pandemic – his pitch was to use every available space in the community for social distancing beyond just district property, everything from community halls to church basements.

o   As a Democratic senator in the heart of Trump country, Tester’s advice to Biden for winning over those voters was simple: “Be honest, be authentic, and show up.”

·        Interview – Rapper Big Sean

o   I liked what Big Sean said about getting real in his music about his anxiety and depression, especially his remark that these were things he never learned about in school but which would’ve been way more helpful to him than physics or trigonometry.

o   Beautifully put – “Especially in a time when we need it the most, especially in a time where the world is on fire, especially in a time where we’re losing heroes in real life and losing role models and people who had so much more life to give us, I think it’s important that we all rise up and be the best version we can be of ourselves.”

Thursday, September 17

·        Headlines – Barbados drops Elizabeth II as its head of state, federal forces wanted to use a “heat ray” to clear protesters in DC, William Barr compares a hypothetical national COVID-19 lockdown to slavery, Trump thinks the U.S.’s coronavirus death rate would be great if you took out the blue states

o   I loved, “Oh no, first Meghan Markle, now Barbados? The queen is losing all her Black friends!”

o   Also great? “Rihanna is our queen now.”

o   Very true – “By the way, what a crazy way to find out America’s military has a heat ray! This is the same country that can’t find money for veterans, or healthcare, or teachers, but somehow it has a giant microwave gun just lying around? You know, just in case we wanna Hot Pocket the Middle East.”

o   Trevor understandably took issue with Barr’s claim that a national lockdown would be America’s “greatest intrusion of civil liberties” after slavery, pointing out Japanese-American incarceration during WWII as one of his examples – “That was like taking a face mask, making it huge, sticking an entire race in people in it, and then saying they can’t take it off.”

o   Trevor pointed out that, even if Trump ignored half the country, the U.S. would still have lamentable COVID-19 death numbers – I loved, “Even Trump’s lies are lies. They’re like the Inception of lies. Somehow, Trump can’t even flatten the curve he’s grading himself on.”

·        The “Pandemmy” Awards

o   In contrast with the Emmys (“It’s the Oscars for people who are just slightly less attractive!”), the show put together nominees for a variety of pandemic-related categories, such as “Best Optimistic Performance” (It’ll be over by April! Memorial Day! We’ll be “really rockin’” by July!)

o   I’ve seen it before, but I still laughed so hard at the video of Rep. Jerry Nadler getting his mask tangled up in his glasses as he tried to take it off.

o   Great joke about the “Best Karen” award – “Remember, no matter who wins, the loser will call 911 and ask to speak to the manager.”

·        Interview – NAACP Legal Defense Fund president Sherrilyn Ifill

o   In comparing the current moment to the Civil Rights movement, Ifill noted that, while before, activists were appealing to the federal government to intervene against unjust state laws, we now have a federal government that’s actively standing against civil rights.

o   Ifill called the NAACP LDF an “early warning system for democracy,” the first organization to raise the red flags that America is going down a bad path.

o   I loved this quote, about fighting for civil rights – “It’s never over, because you have to keep pressing on a democracy. You have to keep pushing to move forward, and you have to keep defending what you won in the past.”

·        Interview – Actor Ewan McGregor

o   McGregor was there to talk about the new season of his travel docuseries about his motorbike journeys through various countries in the world (South and Central America this time around.)

o   I enjoyed the story that McGregor and his traveling buddy decided to make the series when they realized what a hassle it was trying to sort out visas, figuring that they could have a production office take care of it for them if they made a show of their travels.

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