News Satire Roundup: April 5th-April 9th

Sunday, April 5 – While John is still shooting at home, COVID-19 news was the focus of the “recap of the week,” not the whole show. That news included Trump framing over 100,000 forecasted deaths as a good thing, Jared Kushner arguing that the national stockpile isn’t intended for the states (the thing about the nation is that it’s composed mostly of states!), and a look at the uneven performance of various governors given the lack of a strong federal response. We then moved onto the main story, on the fringe news network One America News. This story touched on COVID-19 as well, from their White House reporter’s overly-flattering questions at press briefings to one host’s framing of flouting social distancing to get a haircut as taking a stand for freedom under restrictions akin to “Hitler’s Germany.” But John looked at the network as a whole, describing it as “Fox News with even less shame and even fewer scruples.”

Monday, April 6 – We opened on the surgeon general warning that this will be the hardest week in most Americans’ lives, juxtaposed with people crapping on that warning by crowding the streets. We also got more of Trump touting hydroxychloroquine, although at least this time he conceded that he wasn’t a doctor – I liked Trevor’s suggestion that all his press briefings include drug-commercial-style disclaimers. For good news, we had Italy and Spain possibly turning a corner, and South Korea showing up everybody when it comes to fighting COVID-19. Trevor tried to make his own face mask but decided it was better to stay at home when the correspondents proved no help in his endeavor (although Michael realizing he accidentally made a Klan hood made me laugh.) The guest, Jennifer Garner, discussed her initiative to provide food for kids out of school through videos of celebrities reading kids’ books for charity.

Tuesday, April 7 – A little good news from social distancing: reduced pollution in India and a pair of zoo pandas mating now that humans aren’t watching them all the time (I liked the joke about how differently animals will tell their grandchildren about COVID-19.) Next up was Boris Johnson’s hospitalization and yet another coronavirus warning that Trump ignored months ago. The big story was the Wisconsin primary, which went on despite the governor’s attempts to postpone it. After a montage of GOP leaders not wanting to ensure people can vote safely, Trevor noted that they’re now just openly saying they know increased voter turnout hurts their chances of winning. Roy and Michael announced the winner of Trump’s “best word,” the “oranges” of the Russia investigation. Economic Gita Gopinath was the guest, discussing how the pandemic creates a different sort of recession and how recovery might also look different.

Wednesday, April 8 – Good jokes on Jack Dorsey’s massive COVID-19 donation, outclassing much richer billionaires (like your friends tipping the waiter $5 each while you buy him a Lambourghini!) Next were some creative social distancing solutions before moving on to a strong story on Black people being disproportionately affected/killed by the virus, covering the issue from multiple angles. The line, “It turns out racism is an essential industry too!” was a sad one. Black people’s dilemma on homemade face masks (take precautions against COVID-19 and risk looking like a “criminal”) was a good demonstration of how raceblind policies aren’t innocuous. Dulcé critiqued the homes of various news anchors reporting from home – my favorite was the guy with the weird curved bookshelf that looked like a “limp dick.” The guest was Roxane Gay, who talked about direct ways to help the Black community during the crisis.

Thursday, April 9 – Today’s good news featured restaurants helping customers recreate their favorites and Saudi Arabia’s ceasefire with Yemen. We also looked at the importance of keeping up social distancing (it’s like sex – you don’t pull back when you’re almost there!), using Sweden’s laxness and Singapore’s recent uptick in cases as examples. Interesting story on relationships, with some couples chafing being together 24/7. Good point on divorce plans that were interrupted by the pandemic, and I liked the flipside, people who get creative with stay-at-home date nights. Jordan interviewed a prepper whose time has finally come, though he didn’t make the cut for the guy’s compound. Guest Darren Walker talked COVID-19 and incarceration, urging officials to reduce prison populations. The intersection of the Black community’s disproportionate experiences with both prison and COVID-19 made it even scarier.